Help me deal with DH work flirty thing

[twicemarriedtthriceshy]

So. Me and DH; together 10 years, met at work, married six years, DD 5 , DS 3, still work in same office, all good, soulmates, lots in common. Great. Love him to bits. He is very gorgeous. Tall, dark, handsome.

On the other hand I am 10 years older than him, on 2nd marriage after 1st abusive one. Last year we had a blip. Separated for a couple of weeks, had got into a rut with kids and work, took each other for granted, sex fell off, both miserable. After a week or two he came back; he really wanted to try again. We perked up the sex, tried to talk more, get away for weekends, do date nights etc. On the face of it all is rosy.

But. A year ago boss got a new secretary. Extremely pretty. Young, maybe 10 years younger than DH. So 20 years younger than me. Also slim, which I am not. She is recently married and her DD is in same local school as ours. I thought nothing of it for a long time. Then couldn't help noticing her always stopping by his desk. Twiddling her hair and giggling. Bringing him cake. Asking him what he thinks of her new boots. Showing him her photos on her phone. I am so not the insecure type. If we meet or pass her in the work canteen or in the street she is gazing up at him all sparkly eyed and smiling. Waiting for him to look back at her. He rigidly ignores her because I have pulled him on it and I think he is afraid to look at her in my presence. They are forever chatting in the corridors or emailing each other 'about the kids'. She throws me dirty looks.

She is so his type. She is the only female under 40 in the whole unit. She is really, really pretty.

Its driving me nuts. I don't mind if he fancies other women. Of course he will. I don't mind if he has had enough of me. That's life. Nothing lasts forever.

What I really really do mind to an insane degree is being made a fool of. Being the last to know. Having to worry about this shit.Being the topic of office gossip. I am not the high moral ground type. I would let rip. I imagine our kids with a part time dad. I imagine her DD with my DH, while our DD, who idolises her dad, only sees him on weekends.

Seriously, its driving me nuts and I have no idea how to deal with it. It is making me Ill. What can you do about potential infidelity? Nothing had happened between them yet but the crazier I get the more likely it will. I fear I will just pre-emptively end the marriage on the strength of something that hasn't even fucking happened yet. Talk about a self fulfilling prophecy.

What do I do?

[Mrswellyboot]

Oh god what a situation. What an unhappy girl who is newly married! Don't forget that. She is not happy if she has to flirt like that. A big attention seeker.

In an ideal world it would be great if say the boss noted her inappropriate behaviours and it shamed her.

Could your husband refrain from emailing. That is probably the approach I would take. Tell him it's not on.

[Mrswellyboot]

I also think you are far, far too hard on yourself.

[Merel]

I think you need to talk to him as soon as possible. Don't go apeshit or anything, just explain that this incredibly attractive, young woman, who is making a beeline for him, is making you feel a little vulnerable. I think when you feel like this it's ok to ask for comfort from your partner, and if he loves you he will offer it freely and reassure you that no-one compares to you.

I think it's important to let him know he can talk to anyone he likes, but when it comes to personal things, like admiring her outfits or personal photographs, he should remember there is a line and he shouldn't seem too interested in that sort of thing if he wants to keep you happy too.

Hope you can sort this out, I can really understand where you are coming from.

[TheGinLushMinion]

You are too hard in yourself & focusing far too much in this girl-remind me, is it you or your DH who thinks she is hot??

I think you are projecting from insecurity, sorry.

[TheGinLushMinion]

ON yourself, clearly-twatting fone.

[Merel]

Also re. her throwing you 'dirty looks', he should not let this happen if he is present. He should include you in conversations with her, if you should be around or passing by, and let her know clearly that you are a unit, a partnership, so that she doesn't get any ideas to the contrary.

[Merel]

There is every chance the OP is 'projecting from insecurity' but so what, we can all feel vulnerable. I really do think you need to open up about this to your fella and give him the opportunity to reassure you. There is also every chance he has no intention of leading this woman on, and is just being friendly and polite, but he has a duty to reassure his partner if she is feeling worried about things.

[twicemarriedtthriceshy]

Thanks. I don't know what he he thinks of her obv but I have been with him long enough to know his type, and she is, by any measure, very pretty indeed. Maybe she throws me dirty looks because I do her, who knows. DH doesn't see the dirty kooks and I haven't mentioned it because I know how unattractive insecurity is and I have said more than enough on the subject as it is.

[Leavenheath]

Did this blip you had last year that involved him leaving for a fortnight occur after this woman started work there?

[MissScatterbrain]

Leavenheath - my thoughts exactly

Always listen to your instincts and these are telling you that something is brewing.

She isn't the problem. He is - he needs to look at his boundaries, the emails and chats in corridors are inappropriate and disrespectful. I would have a look at this link and talk to him.

[Joysmum]

Some brilliant advice here.

If my hubby felt insecure, I'd not be angry, I'd not feel hurt because of trust issues, I'd be most concerned to reassure him and put things right. If he accused me of overstepping the mark I'd feel all of that later after feeling hurt first!

Open up, let him reassure you as he's the one that would need to change his reaction to her to prevent the flirting, or reassure you there's no issue if it were to continue.