Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex (who cheated) wants me back after I've moved on

(48 Posts)
1983mummy Fri 06-Dec-13 15:30:45

So my ex had an affair for a year. During that time I became depressed because our relationship was awful (I now know why!). But our family time still was great. My ex was never the best husband, but we had this amazing friendship and contentment.

After our split we tried counselling, he then withdrew and strung me along. And continued his friendship with the OW.

After too much effort on my part and nothing from him, in fact he was a bit dismissive, along with a number of pathetic arguments, we naturally went our own way.

Seven months after our split I go to London to meet a friend and meet a chap on a night out. Obviously the two hours train ride made me think it would just be a bit of fun, but it's actually turned in to a bit more and I'm having feelings for him. Despite the distance we keep in regular contact and know so much about one another. He's made me so very happy. He made me see my ex in a different way.

That is until a few days ago something happening in the family that brought us closer together. It didn't make my feelings for him change, but it has his. Now he's asked if we could spend more time together as he's missed me a lot. I said that things are different now for me. He then said sorry, shouldn't have brought it up.

I think this is his way of saying he wants me back?? Thing is what do I do??

Preciousbane Fri 06-Dec-13 15:36:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 Fri 06-Dec-13 15:39:20

What do you want to do, words are cheap, actions speak volumes.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Fri 06-Dec-13 15:41:52

NO no no no no. Re-read your own thread Pleeeeaaaaase!

1983mummy Fri 06-Dec-13 15:48:48

It has made me realise how much I miss our family unit. He also showed me for the first time vulnerability and a feeling that he's finally understood what he's done.

I still love him dearly and have always thought we'd get back together and have another child - probably why I haven't divorced him yet.

However the guy from London has had a major impact on me. It could never work out with him because of the distance, but for now he gives me what I need. And I enjoy the way he treats me.

I know I don't have to decide now but sooner or later my ex will find out about this new man.

SomePeopleAreIdiots Fri 06-Dec-13 15:54:32

Just pretend it (his declaration) didn't happen to be honest. He cheated on you and behaved like a twat. ANd you've moved on.

Be as friendly as you need to be for this family situation and get on with your own life.

Roseflowers Fri 06-Dec-13 16:11:49

Your ex husband cheated on you for an entire year! I wasn't an 'accident' or a momentary lapse in judgement. He treated you terribly by behaving like that. I've been in your position and I know what its like to still love a cheating dickhead but you deserve so, so much better than him. Would you ever trust him again? Wouldn't you be paranoid every time he leaves the house etc? Whilst things may not work out with this new guy you're dating I hope being with him has shown you that you can have happiness and joy with a man who isn't your cheating bellend of an ex, its a really important thing to discover and you should use that knowledge to help you send the ex packing.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Fri 06-Dec-13 16:25:58

Tell him to Fuck off. He will revert as soon as he has you back under his spell. Don't be a fool.

Twinklestein Fri 06-Dec-13 16:26:25

You've swapped places with the OW, I assume he can have her now if he wants her, you're the one he can't. He wants to see if he can still pull you back in, and it sounds like he can.

He's probably sensed the change in you that being with this new man has wrought, that you're moving on emotionally. Maybe he's guessed you have a new bf.

The minute you express interest, he will lose interest: once he has you, he won't want you. £100 says if you went back he'll say 'Oh sorry I was right the first time'.

It's one thing to have an affair, decide it was a terrible mistake and work hard to rebuild the family life. But he didn't do that, he kept in touch with OW, strung you along, wasted more of your life, made no effort, was actively dismissive - why would you want to be with someone who is like that? Have you really not lost respect for him? How could you ever trust him? Having love for him is no justification for going back to someone with such poor ethics. If you long for a family unit then rebuild it with someone else who won't smash it.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 06-Dec-13 16:27:25

So he cheated on you for a whole year.
Treated you appallingly during that time.
Made you depressed.
Withdrew during counselling.
Didn't make any effort when trying to reconcile.
Continued seeing the OW.
You made the effort and he was dismissive.

Good grief. I don't think you even need to ask to be honest.
He sounds awful and what you put up with is quite enough.

I agree with this:-
NO no no no no. Re-read your own thread Pleeeeaaaaase!

Hissy Fri 06-Dec-13 17:05:15

Don't. Just don't.

You will kick yourself.

You can HAVE a family unit with someone who won't trip and end up dick first in some random tart.

He's only feeling lonely - your relationship was awful - it won't ever be any better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 06-Dec-13 17:09:26

One definition of madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. It's not a sin to be lonely or make bad choices for the sake of love but it would be monumentally foolish to believe someone who would cheat on you for a whole year is going to change overnight. It would be idiotic to have more children with him thinking that would make him settle down.

Your ex likes the unobtainable which is why he rejected a safe wife and family set-up in favour of an for an OW. Now that you are unobtainable, you're flavour of the month Get back with him and he'll be looking elsewhere as soon as his feet are under the table. Big mistake.

Jan45 Fri 06-Dec-13 17:20:19

Seriously, you still love him when he cheated on you for a year and sat by and watched you get depressed - I don't get it, he sounds absolutely vile, why can't you see this man is no good? He didn't want you then and he doesn't really want you now, he just wants to exert his control over you, he'll drop you like a hot potato as soon as An OW turns his head.

You're meant to learn by your mistakes, don't make the mistake of thinking it will be any different 2nd time around.

Or, if you really do love this man, make him work for your affections, and I mean really work.

akawisey Fri 06-Dec-13 17:38:30

I see it as him doing the gaslighting thing all over again. It's made you question your very wise decision to move on. Of course he's going to look vulnerable to you - you see him as he is now - just an ordinary bloke who fucked up his marriage and he's missing what he had. So he bloody well should be.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 06-Dec-13 18:31:05

I would also suspect that things are cooling off with OW and that's why he's feeling a bit misty-eyed about what he had with you. You had to deal with month after month on your own because he cheated - time he tried it, surely, rather than expecting to glide smoothly from one bed relationship to another? And another possibility - who's to say he's not firmly ensconced with OW and if you let him into your life you'll be part of a messy triangle. Avoid, I'd say.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing Fri 06-Dec-13 18:32:43

You know, sometimes people don't want you, they just want you to want them. They don't want you to move on.

heartichoke Fri 06-Dec-13 18:37:16

Don't even think about it - he's just not liking the idea of not having an 'option' on you now that you're not looking single any more.

He's also doing the classic 'testing the waters while not losing face in case of rejection' by pulling back the offer once you didn't leap on it straight away.

Classic gameplay - don't fall for it!

whereiseveryone Fri 06-Dec-13 18:41:30

No way in a million years should you get back together.

It sounds like gave him a second chance and he blew it. Give him a third chance and he will do it all again.

Concentrate on new man. He sounds like a much better bet.

1983mummy Fri 06-Dec-13 22:55:13

Thank you so much for your thoughts. Prior to this week and the problems I would have said no way, bit things are so confusing.

I know I deserve better!! I just need to have the strength to distance myself. It doesn't help that my best friends think I should give him another try and that I should go away and reconcile with him for the weekend. I think they are delusional.

tinkertaylor1 Fri 06-Dec-13 23:01:33

op he hasn't asked you back.

There is nothing more attractive to some men than a spoken for women. If he wanted you back and your family unit to be all hunky dory, he would be beating your door down and begging forgiveness.

Im sorry if you think its harsh but don't fool your self. I'm speaking from experience flowers

MistAllChuckingFrighty Fri 06-Dec-13 23:02:12

You need better friends

Leavenheath Sat 07-Dec-13 02:15:15

Please don't go back.

As others have said, the levels of deception and cruelty involved here are way beyond an affair.

What you're really telling us is that this bloke's had his fun with OW, life's got a bit 'samey' again and you're the neat solution to his problem. He'll get all his childcare done for 'free' again, he'll save money in child support and he'll get 'stuff' done for him again.

Don't be swayed by his 'vulnerability'. It actually infuriates me when women get all soppy about a man just being a human being who shows perfectly normal sadness at er...sad situations. Your own sadness and vulnerability didn't move him did it? And you can be sure as eggs are eggs that if he was still in the lusted-up stages with the OW and there was a family tragedy or crisis, it wouldn't move him now if you cried.

He needs to learn a lifelong and painful lesson that when you throw someone away despite being offered forgiveness and a second chance, there are absolutely no third chances. If you give in now, he will have no incentive at all not to play away again and meanwhile you'll have thrown away a bloke who's been nothing but good for you. Do that, and if he had any sense you wouldn't be given another chance either.

2 hours is nothing in a long-distance relationship or friendship. He sounds a much better friend than the ones you've got who are trying to persuade you to reconcile. There must be some agenda operating there for your friends, because their advice is pants and makes no sense. If they are the sort who think women should keep families together no matter what, what have you got in common with them? I honestly can't imagine watching a friend go through what you have and giving the batshit advice they are dishing out.

AdoraBell Sat 07-Dec-13 02:20:48

You've said it all in the titile - you've moved on.

He didn't put in any effort while you were trying To salvaje the marriage, he's not going To put any effort in if you Go back. It will just be moré, and moré of the same.

MistressDeeCee Sat 07-Dec-13 07:04:42

OP, I wouldnt go back. He is quite possibly suffering from 'oh no I thought the grass was greener out there but it actually isn't' syndrome. For all you know he could want you back precisely because you've moved on from him..almost like a challenge. Then when he has you back, will revert to type leaving you miserable again.

During that time I became depressed because our relationship was awful (I now know why!). But our family time still was great. My ex was never the best husband, but we had this amazing friendship and contentment.

This is not 'amazing friendship'. True friends care for and respect each other. Your partner is supposed to be your friend as well as your lover. Your ex's behaviour shows he was not your friend. I hope you dont go back. You could throw away an opportunity to make a new life for yourself and with someone else..going back to your ex could mean looking back down your life with regrets in time to come - and who wants that? He's a cheat - you can live without him. Its easy to be flattered when an ex wants you back but its normally for their own selfish reasons

iloveweetos Sat 07-Dec-13 07:21:18

2 hours isn't too bad if you both really want it. And would deffo be better than the cheating scumbag. Don't let yourself get sucked in again.
Random note Me and DH lived 4 hours away for a few years before we moved in together.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now