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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH on gay porn chat sites - help!

63 replies

veryconfused2 · 04/12/2013 08:40

I have just has an awful shock and found my DH of 3 months had 2 secret email accounts. They were being used to access cross dressing chat sites and a gay chat site which was targeted at men into cottaging (I had to look it up to discover what it meant). It seems to be mainly dirty messages and he is adamant he hasn't met anyone.

He last accessed these sites a month before our wedding and then I found he had logged on to the linked emails, to delete pictures of himself in MY underwear he tells me.

He says this wasn't about his sexuality but thrill seeking and that he needs to get an interest instead. He had been on these sites for about / years he tells me.

I never suspected this as he is normally very honest and always at home.

We have a child who has special needs so it is not as simple as just separating as that would cause so many issues for my DS.

I don't know what to think or do, so just want some perspectives really.

OP posts:

Report

veryconfused2 · 04/12/2013 08:51

I meant to say he was on these sites for 2 years. Conveniently he deleted all the emails when I found out.

He used chat sites in his last marriage but not of a gay nature. I only found out the full extent of this recently

OP posts:

EirikurNoromaour · 04/12/2013 09:26

It's not about sexuality
You are on to a non starter if he can't even be honest with you/himself about his sexual interest in men.

veryconfused2 · 04/12/2013 09:30

He said it is about cross dressing more than anything else. I just don't understand how he couldn't tell me this after 4 years.

It's a very strange atmosphere as we are still getting on but I guess the sex has been lacking for a while now and he often has erectile difficulties but is thought they were nerves

OP posts:

veryconfused2 · 04/12/2013 09:31

Does anyone know if there are any support groups/helplines for women in my situation - ie with a closet gay husband!

OP posts:

stillcryinginside · 04/12/2013 10:01

I don't really have any advice but didn't want to read and run. It's not something I'd personally know how to cope with although I'm sure there are lots of couples out there dealing with this. It's a fact that many celebs are gay/bisexual and still marry someone of the opposite sex. Some to hide it others because they can and do love someone of any sex.

I personally know and used to go drinking with a well known female celeb who was bi but married a guy and had a DC but had female partners throughout her life and still does. Although divorced from her husband now. It was very matter of fact to her and I have no issues with peoples life choices if it doesn't effect me.

I hope someone can give you some advice and you can sort things out and be happy x

Vivacia · 04/12/2013 10:30

This sounds so very difficult with lots of potential for hurt and confusion on both sides. If this was me, I would make couples' therapy a condition of us staying together. The thought of burying this away would make the relationship a slow death.

There are support groups for partners of men who like to cross-dress. Just Google?

veryconfused2 · 04/12/2013 11:32

The big confusion for me is if he was on these sites because he has gay/bisexual/cross dressing tendencies or if it is as he says a thrill seeking activity but not about these aspects of his sexuality

OP posts:

Vivacia · 04/12/2013 11:37

I can't quite picture somebody being interested in something but not because they are interested in it. Does that make sense?

JustSpeakSense · 04/12/2013 11:46

A straight man would not find gay/bisexual chat a thrill. The first step is for him to start being honest with himself (and you) he obviously has gay tendencies. Once that has been admitted openly you can start to work out what this means for your marriage.

veryconfused2 · 04/12/2013 13:08

He initially said when I found the email account that he was confused about what he was. He now denies he is a gay and says he just needed some hobbies instead!

I almost feel like we have to stay together though because of my son as none of this is fair on him

OP posts:

Jan45 · 04/12/2013 13:12

I doubt he's confused at all, hence the dressing up, he needs to be honest with you as it sounds like he's in denial mode and probably has been for some time. Being a cross dresser doesn't mean he is gay but he clearly has to be honest with you now and stop hiding his secret.

veryconfused2 · 04/12/2013 13:14

I know the cross dressing doesn't mean he's gay but not my idea of sexy at all. I go for masculine men not feminine ones

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bubblesmonkey · 04/12/2013 13:30

I found the same on my husband's computer 12 years ago. He is now an ex husband and he is happily dating a man now. It was a long hard road.

Jan45 · 04/12/2013 13:31

No, wouldn't be my idea of sexy either.

sebsmummy1 · 04/12/2013 13:32

OP this isn't going to go away. This is a huge part of his personality and I suspect totally out of his control.

Phalenopsis · 04/12/2013 13:44

In my opinion, there's a world of difference between accessing cross dressing sites and accessing gay chat and cottaging sites. As I'm sure you're aware: not all cross dressers are gay and not all gay men cross dress. I'd be more worried about the gay sites because I don't believe straight men access these. He needs to be starting being completely honest with himself and you if your marriage has any chance of survival.

veryconfused2 · 04/12/2013 13:59

Phalenopsis- that is my thoughts that a cross dressing site is different to a gay chat/cottaging site. He started on a cross dressing site and ended up on a cottaging one. He says there were cross dressers on the cottaging site but it is just sordid beyond belief. It has a forum on it and the messages on it are just disgusting tbh. I just can't understand why he went for such a sordid website. Had he watched porn that is one thing but the interacting with others is what gets me. I think he led men on to think her would meet and then backed out. I think this is entrenched in him as he kept the email accounts open even after we were married and gradually deleted photos he said. Then when I found out, he conveniently deleted the whole of the account in 2 minutes.

My DS Is my main worry . I would probably at least have a trial separation if it weren't for him . But he is disabled and has been doing so well and I am scared of disrupting him and managing him on my own as a child with severe ADHD And aspergers can be very dangerous and difficult. He is 8 now and I am worried that as he gets older I could not physically manage him on my own. Also practicalities of childcare, I work from home mostly but have a few evening work engagements that I can't get out of and he is not easy to babysit

OP posts:

Andy1964 · 04/12/2013 14:13

There is a VERY big possibility your DH is NOT gay or interested in actual men.
This is NOT at deal breaker.
The most important thing to do it talk, either between yourselves or with a councellor helping you. Please research your councellor to discover wether they are happy and experienced to deal with these issues.

For many men, more than you imagine, Crossdressing is exciting. It can be the image of the woman they want to be with (hence the pictures) There can sometimes be the fantasy of being with another man while they are dressed (often never intending to fulfil) It's dangerous, the thrill of getting caught.
It is also often bourne from childhood experimentation too so don't be surprised if he has been dressing for years.

Your DH will have really struggled to be honest with you. It's a very embarassing thing for him to admit to and he will have felt very ashamed for what he has done. You may not have had the entire story yet, it will come out bit by bit.

Opening up and eventually being honest with you will be a huge weight off his mind but you will both have to be patient as this is a very sensitive matter.

He may feel he does not want third party help because of the embarrasment of it, that's fine as long as he gets better at talking to you about it but if he can overcome this I would strongly reccommend that you seek third party help but like I said, please research them first, you will find that your 'bog standard' councellor has no experience in these issues.

If you still love your DH deep down in your heart, please be patient.

sammyad · 04/12/2013 14:36

So sorry you're dealing with this OP. DP and I had similar issues but have worked through it - if you want to chat feel free to pm me. For me it was the concealment rather than sexual interest in men as well as women that was the problem; that might not be the case for you, obviously. It is an awful shock to begin with though. Somewhere I found quite good support at the time was this site www.shybi-guys.com/forum/. Women can't post on the main forums but can read some of them, and there's a specific support forum for partners at the bottom. As Andy said though, if you still love your DH and he loves you, it doesn't have to mean the end.

str8tothepoint · 04/12/2013 16:04

Sorry but straight men don't look at gay sites never mind dress up in women's clothing. Think he needs some intense therapy and you need to walk away unless you can see past all of this. Sorry but I was having an affair with a 'straight' man who's gf found out the email address few weeks later he would just make a new email up and be more sneaky with it so he may do same thing

Vivacia · 04/12/2013 16:33

Plenty of straight men wear women's clothing.

HairyGrotter · 04/12/2013 18:18

Plenty of straight men cross dress, nowt wrong with it, however, not many straight men (if any) would be looking at gay forums/chat sites, if they didn't have confusion regarding their sexuality. Thrill is not what he is seeking!

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veryconfused2 · 04/12/2013 19:32

It gets worse as I have been monitoring his email accounts since I found out and today discovered he id also on a video cam site that he joined less than a month before our wedding. Bizarrely this last one seems to be a straight site.

He is claiming he can't remember what sites he has been registered on but there are probably more.

I don't know what to believe anymore as he swore blind there were only 2 sites he has used and now it is at least 3

OP posts:

IroningBored · 04/12/2013 19:53

Nonsense Str8tothepoint. Straight men do dress up in womens clothes more often than you would ever imagine. For some, they try once and have no further interest, others enjoy it. Some find it compulsive behaviour, are ashamed and keep it very secret. The secrecy is all part of the kick.

Because a man cross dresses it does not make him gay ....

There are also many Bi curious men who do not fancy other men but in the heat of a manufactured steamy encounter - it is an illicit thrill which makes it more exciting - would give or receive oral to another man. (even if they feel repulsed by their actions later).

I would suggest he has accessed more sites than he will ever admit to but uses the same couple of email accounts. Thats why he deleted them in a panic. Too much evidence. I doubt for one second he has stopped even now. He will just be more careful

Fairenuff · 04/12/2013 21:02

If he was secretly doing all this with females you would consider it cheating. Just because they are male, doesn't make a difference. Sending/receiving pictures, sex chat and who knows what else.

He is cheating on you. He was doing it before you got married and is still doing it. He tried very hard to make sure you never found out. I can't see this relationship going anywhere tbh. You can limp on for a long time but you won't be happy.

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