Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

STBX says I am going to damage our son...Help!

(68 Posts)
EllieInTheRoom Tue 03-Dec-13 15:44:08

I feel quite useless because everything that crops up I end up posting on here for advice, but I find it really helpful so please bear with me...

We are six weeks into separation. He is at his DPs and me and DS are still at the house. Its a nightmare to be honest, because no matter how many times I set boundaries, he turns up again. I need out.

In January, my sister, her DD (4) and my DS (2) are all going to move into a large rented house. We are so excited. The kids adore each other, my sis and I will save a lot of money, we will have company at night and help each other with childcare. We've always got on really well, so there is no chance of a fallout.

I hope it will be for a year but there is a chance it will only be for six months as my Dsis may move in with her LDR BF. It's unlikely to only be six months but I am prepared for the chance. To be honest, they have a hot and cold relationship and we have both spoken about the likelihood that she will have the courage to end it while she is living with me.

Anyway, we both know it is not a permanent arrangement, as we don't know what the future will hold, but it will be hugely beneficial while it lasts.

STBX is going mad. He says its selfish to take him somewhere he would have to leave. I am taking him away from his daddy first and soon I will be taking him away from his cousin and auntie.

He wants me to leave things as they are for the foreseeable future. Not happening.

The other option is I move somewhere with DS on my own but I wouldn't be able to afford anywhere in this area with enough space for my office and a garden. Not essentials I know, but we would have all of this in the house me and my DSis have chosen.

From September I will be earning more so would be able to find somewhere permanent.

I am trying not to take any notice. But does he have a point? Is this cruel to DS?

Twinklestein Tue 03-Dec-13 15:50:56

No he doesn't have a point, he's simply trying to control you again. And get at you through your son.

EllieInTheRoom Tue 03-Dec-13 15:51:14

He also says he gets a say on where DS lives. Does he?

basgetti Tue 03-Dec-13 15:52:54

No he doesn't have a point, he is angry that he won't have any claim to your new address so won't be able to turn up when it suits. He gets a say on where DS lives during his contact time, but not when he is with you.

Twinklestein Tue 03-Dec-13 15:55:54

I thought he'd had an epiphany on the subject of his behaviour, because he doesn't seem to have changed one jot. He cannot let go of control.

cherryademerrymaid Tue 03-Dec-13 15:56:12

He gets a say if he takes you to court and get's a judge to say he gets a say. Right now he doesn't get to say where you live - unless of course you're being unreasonable and are moving a decent distance away thus interfering with contact - but even then, if you have good, justifiable reasons that a judge finds reasonable then no, he doesn't get a say.

He is being controlling. Has he always been like this?

Turning up when he feels like it is not on. He's just completely ignoring any boundaries you are creating. It is reasonable to expect him to make arrangements with you on when he is turning up - you have separate lives now, and a child in common. He doesn't get to just do as he pleases.

picnicbasketcase Tue 03-Dec-13 15:56:18

He's angry because it wasn't his decision so he is saying it will harm your son because he knows damn well that's the only thing he gets as say on in your life now.

cjel Tue 03-Dec-13 15:59:42

trust you instincts to do the best for your son. Whether you live like this for 25years or six weeks your ds won't be damaged by moving.

Lweji Tue 03-Dec-13 16:05:54

Unless you wanted to leave the country or live in a hovel, he has absolutely no say in where you and your DS live.

And there will be times when he's closer to his auntie and cousin and others when he's less close.
He'll be fine.

OddBoots Tue 03-Dec-13 16:06:17

As long as you're honest with your ds (in an age appropriate way) about the move possibly being just for a little while then I think your plan sounds great.

It will give your ds a distraction from any upset he might feel about the split (which along with the control thing is possibly what is cheesing off your ex as he probably wants to be pined for)

EllieInTheRoom Tue 03-Dec-13 16:24:24

Oh twinklestein he is a completely new man. DS has chickenpox so he has been turning up with presents and shopping.

While DS has been poorly, he's still wanted to see him but of course not been able to take him out so he's been spending time at the house again. I've felt like my hands are tied really.

Also, Ive still had to work a little bit of the time and arranged for my mum to be with DS. But H has not liked this and has engineered time off work so he can look after him.

The pox couldn't have come at a worse time really.

He hit a nerve with what he said though. DS has been very unsettled latey and doing anything that might be bad for him is my worst fear.

I got defensive when he said his piece but he said he wants to talk about it properly tomorrow and he basically expects me to convince him as to how me moving in with my Dsis is the best thing for DS.

EllieInTheRoom Tue 03-Dec-13 16:25:43

Thanks everyone for your comments btw. Any tips on what to say tomorrow? Other then fuck off obviously!

towicymru Tue 03-Dec-13 16:37:03

DS will have been unsettled because he wsa coming down with chicken pox and feeling unwell but unlikely to tell you given his age!!

Twinklestein Tue 03-Dec-13 16:38:08

He hasn't changed all that much though has he? He's still trying to control you. You've tried to set boundaries and he's ignored them. I'm glad he took time off work to look after your son & I've no doubt he is genuinely concerned about him, but this is all also a chance to see you.

And now he's trying to use the new house as an excuse to talk with you tomorrow, he's still try to control your movements.

Why is he expecting you to convince him is the best thing for ds??
It's none of his business any more where you live. You've split up. You've made a decision to move, it's not the other side of the country so contact for him will not be a problem. The end.

I don't think you should see him tomorrow. Tell him on the phone that you've made your decision, he needs to accept it. If he tries to argue just keep repeating that.

You have made clear the relationship is over, there's nothing to discuss.

sooperdooper Tue 03-Dec-13 16:44:07

Ignore him, as everyone else has said he has no right to a say in where you live (unless you were planning on moving abroad!) and I think the arrangement with your sister sounds like a great plan for you all.

It won't be damanging for your DS in the slightest, he'll have family around him who love him, and your ex is just trying to find a way to twist it so he has a say in your life, he doesn't, stick to your plan

Lweji Tue 03-Dec-13 16:45:13

The main thing that should be a constant for your DS is your love and his dad's.

MrBusterIPresume Tue 03-Dec-13 16:45:45

I agree with Twinklestein. Don't be drawn into a discussion about this. The minute you start defending your decision you buy into the idea that you are accountable to him. I would avoid a meeting if possible. If he engineers a meeting despite this I would rehearse some stock phrases e.g. "I've made my decision, there is nothing more to discuss" and keep repeating as necessary.

cjel Tue 03-Dec-13 17:15:32

I'd say 'we discussed it yesterday, there is nothing more to say'
Be strong and remember he is no longer able to dictae things like this to youx

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 03-Dec-13 19:51:34

Hi OP.

I assume by "lack of boundaries" you mean STBX turns up outside agreed contact times and/or enters your dwelling without asking.

Send him an email or letter, thus:

*STBX, As you cannot keep to any agreement regarding contact and have repeatedly entered my dwelling against my wishes, I must request that in future all contact between us is either in writing or email. If you phone me you should be aware that the call WILL be recorded and if you do not consent to being recorded, the phone call will end.
Regarding your entry on to the property: I withdraw my consent to your presence at the property unless at an agreed time for the sole purpose of collecting DS for contact. Contact is not to take place within my dwelling nor are you to enter it. The door will be locked at all times and if you attempt to force entry the police will be called.
I must make it plain that your conduct is distressing to me, and that if it continues I may take steps under the civil or criminal provisions of the Protection from Harassment Act.*

If you have a smartphone there are a number o

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 03-Dec-13 19:58:44


...of free apps that autorecord as long as you're speaker.

Anyway, send him the letter. I've made the assumption that he's having his mail redirected/no longer resident/given up his tenancy?

Hissy Tue 03-Dec-13 20:03:50

Lovey, he's only doing the Florence Nightingale act to gain entry and control and knowledge.

You're all trapped, right where he wants you.

Move in with your sister and don't let him interfere in your life.

HappyCliffmas Tue 03-Dec-13 20:41:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettyBotter Tue 03-Dec-13 21:37:05

What to say? Nothing or as little as humanly possible.

STBXH: So have you decided where to live?
Ellie: yes we'll be moving in with dsis.
STBXH: Why? You can't. You have to do what I say. <strop tantrum control etc etc>
Ellie: (Puts head on one side. Looks interested. Says nothing)
STBXH: But you'll damage ds. You have to explain to me etc etc
Ellie: (Makes non commital hmm sound. Says nothing)
STBXH: I have rights. Blardy blar. You have to to justify to me. etc etc
Ellie: (Scratches nose. Makes a cup of tea. Says nothing.)
STBXH: Are you going to talk about this?
Elie: No .

mameulah Tue 03-Dec-13 22:17:29

You sound really lovely, and so does your sister. It will be so much fun living together in that big flat and the children will love it, not least because you, and your sister will be so happy. Ignore him. Save lots of money. Enjoy your sister's company. Look forward to buying your own place and finding someone new. Good luck.

EllieInTheRoom Tue 03-Dec-13 23:07:16

It's pretty impossible to avoid him unfortunately. He has to come to see DS. The poor little thing has suffered pretty badly with these bloody spots, so even tomorrow, he can't really be taken out.

That's how he has had so much time to make a nuisance of himself the last week. I've seen him more this last week then I would have in a fortnight when we were together.

The fact he has managed to be around so much, but couldn't/wouldn't do that when I was trying to hold the marriage together is also galling, but by the by I suppose.

I can't stop him from seeing DS though and I can't really stop him from coming in. He still holds the tenancy. January can't come soon enough.

Thanks for all your help everyone. That and a pep talk from Dsis and DM tonight has helped me feel more equipped for tomorrow.

Betty I love your script! That'll do nicely.

and no, I don't think he has really had a personality transplant. I have also been sceptical about Florence Nightingale's performance. I have no doubt he is concerned, and also very regretful, but really he is such a controlling arse he can't help himself.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now