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In laws are malicious, I am now leaving marriage

(113 Posts)
mrsrfw Tue 03-Dec-13 15:27:01

I am married to a wonderful man. He is kind, a gent and loves me and our 9 month old ds to bits.
Sadly, his family are malicious, abusive and just downright nasty. I have known them just four years and in that time there has been hate mail, screaming phone calls, arguments which leave hubby in bits, threats to not attend the wedding, emotional blackmail regarding husband's father's health (works every time on husband, just vile), invites to the family home without me, christmas cards without my name, demands to choose between them and me and so on. None of this is an exaggeration, I don't do drama.
I am now planning to move out as husband is still in contact with them, goes over to help them with things and acts as if nothing has ever happened. There has been no discussion to explain that their behaviour is unnacceptable.
My breaking point was this weekend when he brought home cards from them. A massive 8 page effort for our ds and, shock, a card for US. I realised that I was still massively unhappy with this as there has been no apology, no acknowledgement for the way they have behaved and I am very very hurt.
I feel my only option is to leave the relationship as this will be the way things are for the rest of our lives. They will do something, he and I will be hurt, he will go back to them as if everything is ok while I go quietly nuts.
My husband is perhaps too good for his own good and they know he will always cave in and help them out. I feel sick. This is not what I want for my son.

Can anyone offer any advice on anything? I just want my family and to feel safe. we tried boundaries but that did not work.

I wish I wasn't typing this.


HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 03-Dec-13 15:46:41

I think your instinct is right that, if your husband cannot fight your corner as a team, then your marriage is unviable. However:

There has been no discussion to explain that their behaviour is unnacceptable.

Do I understand this correctly: you have not had a discussion with your husband stating that, for you, his parents' behaviour is unacceptable?

If not, then have that conversation before you leave!

I may have misunderstood, though.

Also, have you read Susan Forward's book "Toxic In-Laws"? It's about the threat to marriages created by toxic in-laws, and the difficulties that the spouse who is a child of toxic parents has in standing up to them (or in even seeing that standing up to them is necessary).

It is sad, isn't it, how the gentlest and kindest of people are the ones enmeshed with toxic people. But their toxicity is partly what shaped him into such a giving soul.

Twinklestein Tue 03-Dec-13 15:57:26

Are you absolutely sure that your husband will never go no contact with them?

bluebell234 Tue 03-Dec-13 16:06:55

agree with HotDAMNlifeisgood,
you need to have a talk with him before taking such a big decision.
will he speak to them;
-how you get upset with their behaviours,
-are they willing to say sorry and change,
he must stand by you.
anyway, they seem nasty people, I don't think they will change, in that situation is he ready not to see them?
its hard to find someone nice and it is important to try to protect your family, not to break up so easily, they will be very happy if you do so.
you must both think hard.
good luck.

Golddigger Tue 03-Dec-13 16:08:19

Might this book be any good?

myroomisatip Tue 03-Dec-13 16:09:55

Have you had any counselling yourself? Have you seen a solicitor or the CAB?

What do you expect will happen if you move out? Do you think it will shock your husband into going no contact with his family? Do you have somewhere to go to? What about your husbands contact with your DC? Will your DC be exposed to your IL's?

If it were possible would you start divorce proceedings and get your husband to leave or maybe force the sale of the house (assuming you own one that is).

Sorry that you are having to go through this. I have read so much on MN but there is always something new to shock me.

mrsrfw Tue 03-Dec-13 18:16:19

Thank you everyone. Your advice and questions are amazing. I should clarify only one bit, I meant that there has not been a discussion with the in laws about the behaviour, there have been plenty with my husband. I have had enough of always having that discussion and it going nowhere.
I am leaving for my own sanity, it hurts to be even contemplating it, not an easy choice.
He will never stop seeing them. He was living with them unt he was 35 which may give an insight. He was in the process of leaving them when we met. His mother was furious that he has bought his own place. I'm not to blame there though, it was already a deal in motion when we met.
I will look at the recommended books and really think about all the questions.
It is bizarre though, you think Eastenders has extreme story lines and then you visit mums net.
A million thanks for your support and honesty, very much appreciated. Xxxx

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 03-Dec-13 18:21:42

I think if your not getting through to your DH, then i agree that for your own MH you should leave, but make it very clear to your DH, that the lack of support and standing to them for you, is the reason you are leaving, it might give him the kick up the arse he needs.

It may not be permanent, but you need to send a clear message to him, and leaving might be the message you need.

ThisIsMeNow Tue 03-Dec-13 18:32:18

Mrs I can fully appreciate where you're coming from as I am in nearly exactly the same situation. I am however, refusing to leave. I believe they will see it as a sign they have 'won' and I love DP too much (not saying you don't love your DP).
I have no idea how to 'fix' things or if they ever can be fixed. I'm hoping I can live with it but it's hard knowing they contributed to my pnd after dd was born and that we'll never have a nice relationship.
I hope you find an answer.

MissMarplesBloomers Tue 03-Dec-13 18:41:08

If your DH can't see it is unacceptable & unhealthy just from your angle, would he agree to go to joint counselling to help reinforce the things you are saying, and help him see how destructive his family are?

You say when you met he was in the process of breaking away from his toxic family so he has some insight, maybe he needs to have it reflected back at him, reinforced, to help him break away.

He has had this abusive behaviour drip fed into his mind for 35 years, he needs professional help to get away from the family. If you leave he will have access where his toxic relatives will have unsupervised access to your DC with no supervision from you to dilute the poison.

MommyBird Tue 03-Dec-13 18:57:32

I was kind of in the same position.
MIL was getting away with so much. She was vile. She let our DD all the time. We would plan our life around her visits and she would cancel, just like that. When confronted she managed to turn it back onto us, make it our fault, guilt trip etc. We would do much for her. No appriciation or respect. Lots of other things too! I ended up in counselling.

Me and DH used to row. I used to be in tears. He knew what she was like but we had no idea how to handle it.

There was a final straw and i told DH i was finished with her. Cant keep doing this and he agreed. I said he could see her asmuch as he wanted. That was about 4 months ago. He hasnt seen her.

Explain to your DP how much they are effecting you.

Meerka Tue 03-Dec-13 19:27:04

so sorry to hear of this, what a nightmare to live through.

Agreed, try and talk more to your husband. But by the end of that talk if he can't see what YOU need then it is beyond hope.

If he was under their thumb for what, 25? 40? years the conditioning may have gone too deep to break. A person shoudl choose their partner over their parents every time but sometimes they are not able to. And ... you have to protect your child, who will without any doubt at all be influenced by them as the years go on, with the way things are now.

Good luck, you are clearly a strong woman to know how wrong thigns are and to be able to do something about it.

BohemianGirl Tue 03-Dec-13 20:59:08

Why don't they like you? what was the cause of the initial falling out?

mrsrfw Tue 03-Dec-13 22:23:29

We've broken up. :-(

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 03-Dec-13 22:37:04

Here for some hand holding, thanks x

SELondonSwede Tue 03-Dec-13 22:38:26

Sending a hug

NorksAreMessy Tue 03-Dec-13 22:40:01

Oh, you poor love. sad
We will ALWAYS be here to support you

Ladyflower Tue 03-Dec-13 22:41:45

Oh no. I'm very sorry to hear that. Do you have someone around IRL to chat to and for support.
To be honest, as lovely as your DH may be, you deserve much more and deserve to feel part of a team.

Being part of a team is, for me, one of the most special parts of a relationship. It's the two of you vs the rest of the world. If you haven't felt that kind of solidarity in this relationship, then I'm sure in time you will find it in the future.
I'm sending virtual cappuccino and cake....

custardo Tue 03-Dec-13 22:43:02

thanks if he chooses mummy over his child hes a spineless twat

waltermittymissus Tue 03-Dec-13 22:44:28

What happened, OP? It seems very sudden and final.

lunar1 Tue 03-Dec-13 22:45:30

I am really sorry. You will be happier in the long run not having to put up with them.

mrsrfw Tue 03-Dec-13 22:58:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waltermittymissus Tue 03-Dec-13 23:08:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMiniTheMinx Tue 03-Dec-13 23:15:09

Don't be surprised if you find a solicitors letter sometimes soon, demanding they have access to their grandson. What utter twats your in-laws are. Your husband would rather lose his DS than stand up to them, he's a twat too.

fluffaduck Tue 03-Dec-13 23:19:19

You have made a decision and I respect that.

Personally I would not leave a good man who loved me and I him because of his family.
They were his family way before I came along and whether I liked it or not he would be tied to them as I am mine.
Some men are non confrontational.
Some men want a peaceful life.
Some men just bury there head in the sand and hope all will be well.
If this was the man I fell in love with then I would not ask him to change.
I would cut off the family but not expect my DH to.
I would ignore the family completely, easier than you think trust me.
Once you make that choice to never care what they say, think or do, life is much easier.

It is all about what you are prepared to sacrifice.
To sacrifice cards, letters, being included in the family and being respected by them is a lot easier in my eyes, than being asked to sacrifice your family.

I hope all works out well for you.

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