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This is not going well :(

(62 Posts)
artsylady Mon 02-Dec-13 04:32:00

Hello again,

I guess some of you may remember my previous thread. I'm the arty asian American girl in NY that was breaking up with my bf. For those of you who don't, it was basically an idiotic thing where we hadn't been together a very long time. A woman he had feelings for in the past got divorced and re-entered his life. He started pursuing her. I found out, he wouldn't admit it, I went a bit psycho and read his emails/texts etc....thanks to some good advice here, I dumped him. That's the story.

So, I've been trying my best to be good. I've tried to not obsess about them or inquire whether they're together in a relationship yet. I've been living sensibly, no crazy nights out drinking, no embarrassing one night stands. I've been working, exercising, taking care of myself for a few weeks now!

Well this past weekend it all went wrong. So first off, I had a date. It was just a nice dinner with a guy my friend set me up with. No sex, nothing remotely physical happened. He's a nice guy, closer to my age than my ex (I'm 29, ex is 40), same field of work as me, better looking than ex, sweet guy....but I just got so depressed!!! It was so dull...I kept thinking back to my first date with my ex. I remember how excited and intimidated I was by him. How I fell in love with his charm and geekiness. How I just wanted to jump all over him haha. There is no way that I could come close to feeling that way about this guy I went on a date with...or anybody else I know really...

So after the date I was a bit down...well, things only got worse. For those of you that don't know, it was Thanksgiving this past weekend. So I went over to my parent's place to celebrate with them and my sister (plus her husband and kids). My mom started interrogating me about why we broke up. She only liked my ex because he's rich and educated. If it wasn't for his money and success, she would have probably been happy I broke up with him because he's a lot older than me. But no, he's rich, so he must be wonderful. So pretty quickly it went from that topic, to criticizing my taste in men, my career, lifestyle, even the way I dress. I didn't want to make a huge scene, so I just put up with it. Still, though, it's no fun being belittled like that in front of my whole family.

So now I'm back home and basically in tears sad
I honestly wish my ex could be here so I could just hug him and tell him what an awful weekend i've had. He's always been so good at being comforting because he can be so gentle and rational at the same time.

It makes it even worse to think that he's probably with her. Someone he clearly cares about so much more than he ever cared about me!


FeelingOrange Fri 13-Dec-13 01:06:11

I think those type of men want all the good things from a relationship (affection, companionship, support, sex) without dealing with the negative things (fights, problems, etc). They may genuinely care for the woman they are with but value their own freedom more. I think they are happy to continue a relationship until the woman wants more from them, like living together or (god forbid) to have children. That would mean that the real world would sink in and they have to run away. I think that your ex and his new woman will have their relationship tested when she wants more (if she will want that) from him than just a shoulder to cry on and someone to spend time with.

PedantMarina Thu 12-Dec-13 17:32:05

I dunno, I guess they can just kid themselves they're not cheating, but still don't make a real commitment

artsylady Wed 11-Dec-13 16:10:24

I never really understood the point of being a serial monogamist! If you're going to be in a long term relationship with someone, why not just make a real commitment? It's not like he's going out sleeping with different women on a regular basis, so what's the deal?

PedantMarina Wed 11-Dec-13 11:57:48

I think the word twinklestein and others have been groping for is "serial monogamist".

Artsy, look up Cynthia Heimel (she's from your neck of the woods anyway!) - she did some pretty good relationship/[quasi]feminist writings. In one she described a theory that all men are either men, boys or hairdressers. Worth a read.

Well done with the counselling step. It's worth doing.

artsylady Tue 10-Dec-13 00:34:28

okay I took a huge step today!!! I made an appointment with a therapist!! It's going to be in Jan though, after New Years....she didn't have anything earlier and it's hardly an emergency.

I'm really nervous, it's going to be so hard to talk about all these issues with a real life person!!!!

FeelingOrange Mon 09-Dec-13 06:53:57

I think that the only person who can truly know how he feels about this woman is him. Although, there are many reasons why their relationship may not work out. It's entirely possible that he is just a rebound for her. From personal experience, when I got out of a long term relationship, I welcomed the first man that gave me a bit of attention. She just got out of a marriage and must, like you, have been feeling pretty low. It must have been a huge boost to her ego to have been showered with all the attention that he gave her.

From what you describe, she also seems to have the damsel in distress thing going on. Alpha men love those types of women, that could also be part of the attraction.

Don't feel badly about wanting it to not work out between them, it's completely normal! Although do focus on yourself and getting through this.

Counselling isn't a bad option. You can talk about whatever you want and they are always gentle with you. You may come across someone who isn't particularly good, but most wouldn't sit there judging you! Asking friends for suggestions is a good idea.

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 01:36:41

I disagree beagle because what you're really talking about is being a philanderer. I'm not implying he would be unfaithful to any of his gfs, he doesn't need to be because none have been long term.

He's 40 odd and has had 20 years of moving around and no long term relationships.

An academic in a relationship with someone who works in admin, it's hardly a meeting of minds is it? That she's beautiful is the obvious attraction, and the fact she was unobtainable. A player could absolutely maintain an interest in her while pursuing other relationships; I know guys who've pursued women for longer than that, and it wasn't love, just the challenge.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 01:00:00

Well that doesn't sound awful at all!!! I'll give it some though...maybe when I get over this cold, I'll contact a few people and ask for recommendations.

Thanks a lot for the info!!! smile

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:53:47

they ask what do you think you nee dhelp with, and often then ask about your childhood background or relationship background (this may be on second session if the first is short). Maybe ask to tell them about all hte emotions going on. Pretty much all that you wrote on your threads. Then it gets deeper but it's gradual.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:50:31

But remind yourself, Op, that many people get dumped, men amd women, it's not fair if htey had feelings, but it's life - if the partner prefers another person to them, it means they are not as compatible with you as you thought. It also makes you appreciate the right one when they come along. You are really not the only one in this situation, so take something positive fron that. It's just all been happening very fast, so you having a typical shock symptoms - anger, depression.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:47:07

What types of things do they usually ask you when you go to a first therapy session??

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:46:27

Yeah he's not really a womanizer. I'm actually pretty sure that he was faithful all the time we were together (minus the last month with her)

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:46:01

if you aer lucky to find a good experienced and kind therapist, they will definitely help - especially with the damage your mother has done.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:43:32

hmm. I don't agree, Twin, that she is just a sample. He sounds like the type of man who really knows what he likes/wants. He knew and liked that woman for MANY years, but she was married. No one os that patient and then jumps when a woman divorces if they don't feel a real connection - especially as he really is not a womaniser by the OP's account.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:41:08

I hope you're right! I know it's very hateful but I really hope it doesn't work out. Well I do know that he helped her get that job at his old work place. That's how they met apparently. She had just moved here and was having a hard time finding a job. There was some job opening within his department and they share a mutual friend. So the mutual friend introduced them and he helped her get the job.

I might try and talk to a friend who has seen a therapist before and ask her to recommend someone. At least then I may know it'll be a trusted person. I was originally agains tht eidea, but I can't shake this horrible feeling that I have. It seems more substantial than anything I've experienced before sad

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:40:11

you can always try counselling (you can CHOOSE a woman), and if you don' t like it after a couple of times, no one would make you continue. Personally I had a bad experience - I paid a lot of monmey to an older woman who just set and listened without giving ANY advice, her type of therapy was just to let you spill it all out - I felt like that was I 'm doing and went in circles - after 10 times of the same I stopped as it was aridiculous waste of money. But I had to choos e randomly (thogh she had some credentials) - be careful and ask for recommendation, or at least ask then what kind of therapy it is, whether theyu would actually TALK and guide you or just sit there grin.

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 00:36:05

Ah that's right.

I somehow doubt she's the love of his life. When you first said they worked together I assumed you meant that they were both academics, and when two people have an intellectual connection, that's a very strong bond.

But, she's not, and I reckon she's just another of sample for his collection, and it will last until she says she wants kids, like George Clooney.

Counselling's a good idea, but you probably need to think about this less rather than more. Counselling might help you figure out what you've learnt from this experience and what positives you can take forward.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:34:34

I have mixed feelings about it. Honestly, I'm just frightened of it for some reason. But I have found that talking about my feelings with people (like on this forum) has been extremely helpful. So it might be worth a shot.

It's just very different writing all these things down anonymously. Like I know that a bunch of people read and respond to what I wrote, but it's like an interactive journal. Seeing a therapist would be so different, just one to one. My problems aren't really that big in comparison to a lot of other people's. I just have this image of sitting with some intimidating old man who will judge me confused

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:34:11

Alpha men (or traditional types) often go for women who are not high achievers.
I'd advise that you don't choose to date men who 'intimidate' as you described with him, looking up to a guy puts you in a vulnerable position, and yo uliterally wouldn't know what to expect. You should respect him, but he should EQUALLY respect you for your creativity/interesting job/personality. Go for someone who is more like an equal friend to you first of all, rather than a father figure who takes care of you, they appear reliable - but remember they are NOT your father, they are men who make the decisions (what's best for them) in that set up.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:28:22

if you feel like counselling, do it! maybe even just a few sessions may help you feel you aer dealing with this better. I didn't suggest it in the las tpost purely because you said before you didn't want to do it.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:26:10

you feel symptoms of derpression - it will pass, it happens to many people just after a break-up - and it's been a bit of a shock for you. Don't force being cheerful, and don't blame yourself for being depressed - just feel it and try to treat yourself with something distracting, maybe exrecise, go for long walks in fresh air, see friends. Just know that it's normal and it will pass in a few weeks.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:18:10

Well, now she does an admin job at a law firm (boring!!). She worked with my ex before, it was also an admin type job in his department. Before that, when she was back home, she worked in tourism. I don't think she even went to college or anything (not that I'm judging, just an observation). You see what I mean...I'm such a creepy stalker!!

Honestly, this whole situation has got me so down!!! I'm really considering taking everyone's advice and seeking some form of counceling.......I honesly never saw myself doing this, but maybe it'll be worthwhile.

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 00:11:49

I think it's a bad thing if it's making you depressed.

What did she do I can't remember, she worked with your ex didn't she?

(I shouldn't encourage you).

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:05:48

My stalking was actually an educational experience!! She's from Croatia and I knew nothing about that country before, never met anyone from there, nothing....but now I am filled with random facts about it haha

I also googled the company that she works for and know all the qualifications I may need if I wanted her job....(which I don't because it seems incredibly boring)

So I guess it's not a bad thing if I learned something new, right?

Twinklestein Sun 08-Dec-13 23:57:10

Don't worry about it, I know stuff about my first bf's wife that I shouldn't. I'm not even jealous, just nosey.

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