Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

This is not going well :(

(62 Posts)
artsylady Mon 02-Dec-13 04:32:00

Hello again,

I guess some of you may remember my previous thread. I'm the arty asian American girl in NY that was breaking up with my bf. For those of you who don't, it was basically an idiotic thing where we hadn't been together a very long time. A woman he had feelings for in the past got divorced and re-entered his life. He started pursuing her. I found out, he wouldn't admit it, I went a bit psycho and read his emails/texts etc....thanks to some good advice here, I dumped him. That's the story.

So, I've been trying my best to be good. I've tried to not obsess about them or inquire whether they're together in a relationship yet. I've been living sensibly, no crazy nights out drinking, no embarrassing one night stands. I've been working, exercising, taking care of myself for a few weeks now!

Well this past weekend it all went wrong. So first off, I had a date. It was just a nice dinner with a guy my friend set me up with. No sex, nothing remotely physical happened. He's a nice guy, closer to my age than my ex (I'm 29, ex is 40), same field of work as me, better looking than ex, sweet guy....but I just got so depressed!!! It was so dull...I kept thinking back to my first date with my ex. I remember how excited and intimidated I was by him. How I fell in love with his charm and geekiness. How I just wanted to jump all over him haha. There is no way that I could come close to feeling that way about this guy I went on a date with...or anybody else I know really...

So after the date I was a bit down...well, things only got worse. For those of you that don't know, it was Thanksgiving this past weekend. So I went over to my parent's place to celebrate with them and my sister (plus her husband and kids). My mom started interrogating me about why we broke up. She only liked my ex because he's rich and educated. If it wasn't for his money and success, she would have probably been happy I broke up with him because he's a lot older than me. But no, he's rich, so he must be wonderful. So pretty quickly it went from that topic, to criticizing my taste in men, my career, lifestyle, even the way I dress. I didn't want to make a huge scene, so I just put up with it. Still, though, it's no fun being belittled like that in front of my whole family.

So now I'm back home and basically in tears sad
I honestly wish my ex could be here so I could just hug him and tell him what an awful weekend i've had. He's always been so good at being comforting because he can be so gentle and rational at the same time.

It makes it even worse to think that he's probably with her. Someone he clearly cares about so much more than he ever cared about me!


artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:46:27

Yeah he's not really a womanizer. I'm actually pretty sure that he was faithful all the time we were together (minus the last month with her)

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:47:07

What types of things do they usually ask you when you go to a first therapy session??

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:50:31

But remind yourself, Op, that many people get dumped, men amd women, it's not fair if htey had feelings, but it's life - if the partner prefers another person to them, it means they are not as compatible with you as you thought. It also makes you appreciate the right one when they come along. You are really not the only one in this situation, so take something positive fron that. It's just all been happening very fast, so you having a typical shock symptoms - anger, depression.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:53:47

they ask what do you think you nee dhelp with, and often then ask about your childhood background or relationship background (this may be on second session if the first is short). Maybe ask to tell them about all hte emotions going on. Pretty much all that you wrote on your threads. Then it gets deeper but it's gradual.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 01:00:00

Well that doesn't sound awful at all!!! I'll give it some though...maybe when I get over this cold, I'll contact a few people and ask for recommendations.

Thanks a lot for the info!!! smile

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 01:36:41

I disagree beagle because what you're really talking about is being a philanderer. I'm not implying he would be unfaithful to any of his gfs, he doesn't need to be because none have been long term.

He's 40 odd and has had 20 years of moving around and no long term relationships.

An academic in a relationship with someone who works in admin, it's hardly a meeting of minds is it? That she's beautiful is the obvious attraction, and the fact she was unobtainable. A player could absolutely maintain an interest in her while pursuing other relationships; I know guys who've pursued women for longer than that, and it wasn't love, just the challenge.

FeelingOrange Mon 09-Dec-13 06:53:57

I think that the only person who can truly know how he feels about this woman is him. Although, there are many reasons why their relationship may not work out. It's entirely possible that he is just a rebound for her. From personal experience, when I got out of a long term relationship, I welcomed the first man that gave me a bit of attention. She just got out of a marriage and must, like you, have been feeling pretty low. It must have been a huge boost to her ego to have been showered with all the attention that he gave her.

From what you describe, she also seems to have the damsel in distress thing going on. Alpha men love those types of women, that could also be part of the attraction.

Don't feel badly about wanting it to not work out between them, it's completely normal! Although do focus on yourself and getting through this.

Counselling isn't a bad option. You can talk about whatever you want and they are always gentle with you. You may come across someone who isn't particularly good, but most wouldn't sit there judging you! Asking friends for suggestions is a good idea.

artsylady Tue 10-Dec-13 00:34:28

okay I took a huge step today!!! I made an appointment with a therapist!! It's going to be in Jan though, after New Years....she didn't have anything earlier and it's hardly an emergency.

I'm really nervous, it's going to be so hard to talk about all these issues with a real life person!!!!

PedantMarina Wed 11-Dec-13 11:57:48

I think the word twinklestein and others have been groping for is "serial monogamist".

Artsy, look up Cynthia Heimel (she's from your neck of the woods anyway!) - she did some pretty good relationship/[quasi]feminist writings. In one she described a theory that all men are either men, boys or hairdressers. Worth a read.

Well done with the counselling step. It's worth doing.

artsylady Wed 11-Dec-13 16:10:24

I never really understood the point of being a serial monogamist! If you're going to be in a long term relationship with someone, why not just make a real commitment? It's not like he's going out sleeping with different women on a regular basis, so what's the deal?

PedantMarina Thu 12-Dec-13 17:32:05

I dunno, I guess they can just kid themselves they're not cheating, but still don't make a real commitment

FeelingOrange Fri 13-Dec-13 01:06:11

I think those type of men want all the good things from a relationship (affection, companionship, support, sex) without dealing with the negative things (fights, problems, etc). They may genuinely care for the woman they are with but value their own freedom more. I think they are happy to continue a relationship until the woman wants more from them, like living together or (god forbid) to have children. That would mean that the real world would sink in and they have to run away. I think that your ex and his new woman will have their relationship tested when she wants more (if she will want that) from him than just a shoulder to cry on and someone to spend time with.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now