Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

This is not going well :(

(62 Posts)
artsylady Mon 02-Dec-13 04:32:00

Hello again,

I guess some of you may remember my previous thread. I'm the arty asian American girl in NY that was breaking up with my bf. For those of you who don't, it was basically an idiotic thing where we hadn't been together a very long time. A woman he had feelings for in the past got divorced and re-entered his life. He started pursuing her. I found out, he wouldn't admit it, I went a bit psycho and read his emails/texts etc....thanks to some good advice here, I dumped him. That's the story.

So, I've been trying my best to be good. I've tried to not obsess about them or inquire whether they're together in a relationship yet. I've been living sensibly, no crazy nights out drinking, no embarrassing one night stands. I've been working, exercising, taking care of myself for a few weeks now!

Well this past weekend it all went wrong. So first off, I had a date. It was just a nice dinner with a guy my friend set me up with. No sex, nothing remotely physical happened. He's a nice guy, closer to my age than my ex (I'm 29, ex is 40), same field of work as me, better looking than ex, sweet guy....but I just got so depressed!!! It was so dull...I kept thinking back to my first date with my ex. I remember how excited and intimidated I was by him. How I fell in love with his charm and geekiness. How I just wanted to jump all over him haha. There is no way that I could come close to feeling that way about this guy I went on a date with...or anybody else I know really...

So after the date I was a bit down...well, things only got worse. For those of you that don't know, it was Thanksgiving this past weekend. So I went over to my parent's place to celebrate with them and my sister (plus her husband and kids). My mom started interrogating me about why we broke up. She only liked my ex because he's rich and educated. If it wasn't for his money and success, she would have probably been happy I broke up with him because he's a lot older than me. But no, he's rich, so he must be wonderful. So pretty quickly it went from that topic, to criticizing my taste in men, my career, lifestyle, even the way I dress. I didn't want to make a huge scene, so I just put up with it. Still, though, it's no fun being belittled like that in front of my whole family.

So now I'm back home and basically in tears sad
I honestly wish my ex could be here so I could just hug him and tell him what an awful weekend i've had. He's always been so good at being comforting because he can be so gentle and rational at the same time.

It makes it even worse to think that he's probably with her. Someone he clearly cares about so much more than he ever cared about me!


artsylady Wed 04-Dec-13 01:13:36

No, my dad is around...I'm actually much closer to him than my mom! He's really different, more laid back and supportive.

longtallsally2 Wed 04-Dec-13 22:43:12

You might find the Narcissistic family book helpful - available on Amazon - or Children of the Self-absorbed: A Grown-up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. I recognise your family dynamics a lot. Fathers can often be very supportive and laid back, but still enable the toxic behaviour of mothers.

Sounds as if you are making a lot of progress in identifying what is going on with yourself. Try to build up a supportive group of friends around you and learn to trust them, relax in their company, and keep on posting!

artsylady Sat 07-Dec-13 02:12:00

Thanks for the book advice! Luckily I do have friends that I can rely on and talk to smile

Sadly, I just found out that my ex is now officially in a relationship with the ow he was least up until now I was under the hope that she might reject him but now I really can't stand that he's happy and has gotten what he wanted while I'm left all alone

longtallsally2 Sat 07-Dec-13 06:54:38

Aw sorry to hear that Artsy. It is never nice to know that our dreams don't work out, and losing a relationship when we were happy, is always the hardest thing. We've all had our hearts broken at one time or another: I certainly have. I have been left, but also been the one to leave: it takes courage to leave, but it doesn't make it any easier. It still takes lots of tissues and chocolate and good friends to move on, and most of all, it takes time.

But ultimately, it was the best thing that I could have done. It frees you to start again, building a new life which is full of possibilities, with many exciting things to look forward to. You don't feel it now, but you start again, and you plan nice things for yourself . . . one day at a time, one week at a time, until you realise that you have moved on emotionally, and that you are happier than you were before, or than you would ever have been had you not been brave enough to make that step.

Best of luck

PedantMarina Sat 07-Dec-13 23:26:35

artsy, just watching Pride & Prejudice (yes, the Colin Firth version), and a lot of life is available via this medium.

Wickham: total socipoath assole

*Elizabeth and Jane*: intellectually Up There, but bound by their upbringing, but a glimmering of their own minds coming through....

Darcy: misunderstood and best enjoyed in the context of "try to think before you deal with him...."

Mrs Bennet Yer mum. Nuff said.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 07-Dec-13 23:52:15

Well it proves you were right, he really was after her, so you didn't let him go for no reason. Not that that's much of a consolation right now.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 07-Dec-13 23:58:29

Oh artsy. That is a bitter blow hmm I know we all predicted it and you kind of knew it was coming, it's still a bitter pill to swallow. You poor thing.

Have you got some RL support / distraction?

artsylady Sun 08-Dec-13 01:37:58

Ugh so to make this whole thing worse, I'm really sick right now and can't go anywhere, can't really talk to anyone much either....just been in bed all day sneezing, coughing, confused

So I've mentioned before that a friend of mine works with him. Well apparently, some people from work were having a get together before the holidays and he was going. So someone asked if he was bringing me along (because I went to events with him before) and he told them that we split up but that he is actually seeing someone else now and that he's bringing her along. Then they had the event on Friday and she came and he introduced her as his girlfriend. Apparently, someone asked her how long they have been together and she said something like "it's very very recent" but they have known each other for years.

I mean I broke up with him a month ago and in no time at all he's already made her his girlfriend. I don't think they were together before I ended things, because I'm pretty sure if they were he would have dumped me. Plus, there was no actual evidence of that. Although I guess he spent over a month pursuing her while he was with me, so it's no surprise they got together so quickly.

Blah, plus I've been on a complete stalking "binge" of this woman. Something I said I wouldn't do again!!! Of course people asked about her, what she does, etc...and my friend spoke with her too so he could tell me what she's like. By all accounts, she seems to be a nice person, interesting, attractive....aaaaarrgghhhh!!!!

It's like I'm having this complete life changing time because of my ex...questioning my self esteem, my relationship with my mother, staying away from's really affected me...and for him it was nothing that we broke up. Probably just the push he needed to make things happen with this woman... sad

artsylady Sun 08-Dec-13 01:46:02

And I'm mad that she fell for him!!! I was counting on her to turn him's just like he's this complete ass that knows how to charm people and gets his way all the time, it's not right

PedantMarina Sun 08-Dec-13 09:01:07

It was said, way back on your first fred, that it seemed like she had always been "the one" for him, so don't be upset that he "suddenly" managed to land her - it wasn't a recent thing, it had been waiting to happen for years, and his time with you (+ her marriage before it broke down) was merely putting that off.

Hope that doesn't sound harsh - I think you knew that on an intellectual level. But of course you're bunged up with flu-ey badness right now - logic isn't going to get a look-in when you're feeling rough.

Speaking of way overdue, there's all your recent introspection, and questioning your mother's relationship. It's what you need to do, and have needed to do for some time now. Some of it is going to suck, but you'll be better for it in the long run. Again, something that the logical part of you knows, but the phlegm is stopping from getting through.

Having a wobble doesnt make you a bad person. Get loads of sleep, cry if you want to, and look after yourself.

FeelingOrange Sun 08-Dec-13 12:01:46

Don't be surprised that they got together so quickly, after all he has known her for years, it's not as if they had just gone on a couple of dates. Especially if he was pursuing her for a while (and quite intently by the way you described it). At least you know they weren't in a proper relationship while he was still with you.

There's nothing wrong with being curious about her. Even a bit of checking up isn't horrible. It's only normal, who wouldn't want to know about the woman that we were left for. As long as it doesn't distract you from focussing on the really important things, like rediscovering your self esteem.

Best of luck!

artsylady Sun 08-Dec-13 23:44:55

I'm not surprised, it's just kind of made everything real I guess.
Plus I feel extra creepy now because I know SO MUCH about this woman and she has no clue who am I! Seriously, I literally know her entire life story (well, minus personal stuff) where she's from, what she did back home, when she moved to America, what she does now. Can't help comparing myself to her.

Also, I've just been feeling so down lately. Not just because I'm sick, it started before that. I have zero motivation to do anything. When I look at myself in the mirror I just think "ugh it's you again". I feel so angry when I see couples walking down the street. Plus I'm so irritable at the tiniest things. It's awful!!

Ok and really really stupid thing...I get so mad whenever I see a pretty blonde woman walking down the street haahaha. I'm a dumbass I know!

Twinklestein Sun 08-Dec-13 23:57:10

Don't worry about it, I know stuff about my first bf's wife that I shouldn't. I'm not even jealous, just nosey.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:05:48

My stalking was actually an educational experience!! She's from Croatia and I knew nothing about that country before, never met anyone from there, nothing....but now I am filled with random facts about it haha

I also googled the company that she works for and know all the qualifications I may need if I wanted her job....(which I don't because it seems incredibly boring)

So I guess it's not a bad thing if I learned something new, right?

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 00:11:49

I think it's a bad thing if it's making you depressed.

What did she do I can't remember, she worked with your ex didn't she?

(I shouldn't encourage you).

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:18:10

Well, now she does an admin job at a law firm (boring!!). She worked with my ex before, it was also an admin type job in his department. Before that, when she was back home, she worked in tourism. I don't think she even went to college or anything (not that I'm judging, just an observation). You see what I mean...I'm such a creepy stalker!!

Honestly, this whole situation has got me so down!!! I'm really considering taking everyone's advice and seeking some form of counceling.......I honesly never saw myself doing this, but maybe it'll be worthwhile.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:26:10

you feel symptoms of derpression - it will pass, it happens to many people just after a break-up - and it's been a bit of a shock for you. Don't force being cheerful, and don't blame yourself for being depressed - just feel it and try to treat yourself with something distracting, maybe exrecise, go for long walks in fresh air, see friends. Just know that it's normal and it will pass in a few weeks.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:28:22

if you feel like counselling, do it! maybe even just a few sessions may help you feel you aer dealing with this better. I didn't suggest it in the las tpost purely because you said before you didn't want to do it.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:34:11

Alpha men (or traditional types) often go for women who are not high achievers.
I'd advise that you don't choose to date men who 'intimidate' as you described with him, looking up to a guy puts you in a vulnerable position, and yo uliterally wouldn't know what to expect. You should respect him, but he should EQUALLY respect you for your creativity/interesting job/personality. Go for someone who is more like an equal friend to you first of all, rather than a father figure who takes care of you, they appear reliable - but remember they are NOT your father, they are men who make the decisions (what's best for them) in that set up.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:34:34

I have mixed feelings about it. Honestly, I'm just frightened of it for some reason. But I have found that talking about my feelings with people (like on this forum) has been extremely helpful. So it might be worth a shot.

It's just very different writing all these things down anonymously. Like I know that a bunch of people read and respond to what I wrote, but it's like an interactive journal. Seeing a therapist would be so different, just one to one. My problems aren't really that big in comparison to a lot of other people's. I just have this image of sitting with some intimidating old man who will judge me confused

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 00:36:05

Ah that's right.

I somehow doubt she's the love of his life. When you first said they worked together I assumed you meant that they were both academics, and when two people have an intellectual connection, that's a very strong bond.

But, she's not, and I reckon she's just another of sample for his collection, and it will last until she says she wants kids, like George Clooney.

Counselling's a good idea, but you probably need to think about this less rather than more. Counselling might help you figure out what you've learnt from this experience and what positives you can take forward.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:40:11

you can always try counselling (you can CHOOSE a woman), and if you don' t like it after a couple of times, no one would make you continue. Personally I had a bad experience - I paid a lot of monmey to an older woman who just set and listened without giving ANY advice, her type of therapy was just to let you spill it all out - I felt like that was I 'm doing and went in circles - after 10 times of the same I stopped as it was aridiculous waste of money. But I had to choos e randomly (thogh she had some credentials) - be careful and ask for recommendation, or at least ask then what kind of therapy it is, whether theyu would actually TALK and guide you or just sit there grin.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:41:08

I hope you're right! I know it's very hateful but I really hope it doesn't work out. Well I do know that he helped her get that job at his old work place. That's how they met apparently. She had just moved here and was having a hard time finding a job. There was some job opening within his department and they share a mutual friend. So the mutual friend introduced them and he helped her get the job.

I might try and talk to a friend who has seen a therapist before and ask her to recommend someone. At least then I may know it'll be a trusted person. I was originally agains tht eidea, but I can't shake this horrible feeling that I have. It seems more substantial than anything I've experienced before sad

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:43:32

hmm. I don't agree, Twin, that she is just a sample. He sounds like the type of man who really knows what he likes/wants. He knew and liked that woman for MANY years, but she was married. No one os that patient and then jumps when a woman divorces if they don't feel a real connection - especially as he really is not a womaniser by the OP's account.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:46:01

if you aer lucky to find a good experienced and kind therapist, they will definitely help - especially with the damage your mother has done.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now