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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Me again - what do I do for the best ?

227 replies

Mosman · 02/12/2013 00:05

So I'm still in Perth Australia. I was working, had a great job which I got made redundant from because the market here has gone so quiet it's like 2007 in the uk. It came with a 457 visa which means no entitlement to child benefit, rental assistance or tax credits equivalent.
Dickhead managed to get himself a commission only job which just covers the rent and food, nothing else. He needs a car - we have a loan for $1100 a month - we simply cannot pay it.
With the job going my visa is finished on 25th January 2014 unless one of us gets sponsorship - based on previous experience it's unlikely to be him.
He wants, no sorry is insisting on staying in Perth.
God knows how - he wants us to get permanent residency but time is not on our side - come 25th January we would be here illegally which will go against us in any application for residency.
So it's down to me to get a job and another visa to help a man who's screwed me over for the past five years to live his dream and the only reason I would do this is so my kids see their father.
If I go back to the uk he plans to visit once a year and Skype FFs.
I have concerns about what child support he would pay - its my only source of income ATM and he regularly threatens to withdraw it even now.
What do I do ? I am so worried the children will blame me for taking them from their father and friends and tbh Perth is the better place to bring kids up. I just can't even think straight with all the stress.
To add insult to injury he is online dating, telling the children the names of his one night stands, choosing to go and see women the night before he leaves for a business trip rather than job hunting. He's a complete cunt tbh, I wonder how much of a loss he would be to the kids anyway if they never saw him again.

OP posts:

Report

Mosman · 02/12/2013 00:06

Oh and PR I would have to pay for, the last $12000 I have to my name.

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 02/12/2013 00:09

I have seen your posts before and still clueless to why you are still taking this shit. For the sake of your children get away from him.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 02/12/2013 00:11

I have never understood why you are still there.

You would feel guilty about taking your kids away from a father who tells them who he has screwed ?

Seriously ?

Pancakeflipper · 02/12/2013 00:13

Live in whatever country you can/want to. Just get away from him.

Mosman · 02/12/2013 00:17

I'm so scared of having four children on my own if I'm honest

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Pancakeflipper · 02/12/2013 00:21

But you kinda are on your own already, just with a freeloader who had no respect for you.

BlondieTinsellyMinx · 02/12/2013 00:24

Please don't spend that money on PR.

Use it to make a new life with the kids.

If he's no support to you and doesn't contribute financially then it's like having a 5th dependent isn't it?... Only he's one that you don't love and who causes only stress. You deserve better. Don't waste any more of your time or money on him.

antimatter · 02/12/2013 00:26

OMG - his comments about online dating to your kids?

that IS insane!

how old are your kids? regardless of their age I would not stay under the same roof with someone behaving as he does

do you have any base here in UK to come back to?
(sorry I haven't read your previous posts)

market has been picking up here (at least around London/SE Eng), have you looked what's available here for you?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 02/12/2013 00:27

How are you not "on your own" now ?

Being badly accompanied is much worse than "being on your own", surely ?

have you friends/relatives back in the UK ?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 02/12/2013 00:30

Sweety, things are picking up back here. if you sit it out there and the trend in Oz follows the UK, you are looking at it getting worse before it gets better and about another 5 years of downturn

You don't have that much time to play with, and your kids certainly do not need to be subjected to this kind of crap

let him live out his pathetic mid life crisis as he deserves to... without his family looking on

eightandthreequarters · 02/12/2013 00:32

Just get on a plane with the kids and leave before your visa runs out. Whether Perth is a better place to bring up kids is really a non-question as you're about to lose your entitlement to be there at all. That's the best possible excuse to get out! Grab it with both hands, OP, and go make a wonderful new life for yourself and your DC.

BeCool · 02/12/2013 00:38

I imagine being on your own will be just like now but without the massive talking idiot bolder you are dragging around at the moment.

I can understand why you feel totally fucked. It's daunting. I think you need to think about you, what is going to work for you and then DC.

Please do not prioritise this utter fuck up of a loser.

Baby steps - what is your first baby step?

Mosman · 02/12/2013 00:53

I could soldier on though and get another visa - even without pr - I could stay, I'm not adding him to the next visa though.

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Lweji · 02/12/2013 00:59

I am of the opinion that children need good fathers not bad fathers.

Regarding child support, it's not as if you're getting a huge amount anyway.

I'd say cut your loses short and move back to the UK. At least both you and the children will have the rest of the family nearby, on both sides.

I wouldn't be surprised if, eventually he will have to go back to the UK.

bunchoffives · 02/12/2013 01:01

Oh come on OP, your poor DC don't deserve to have him inflicted on them. What kind of father discusses his shagging with his kids, and in front of their mother? Jeez, and you're wondering if you should stay for their sake?

You will manage with your DC, many women are lps and do just fine and so do their DC.

What do you want to do, leaving aside the rights and wrongs?

Mosman · 02/12/2013 01:15

I won't have any family support in the uk so I'm no worse off.
He told them the name and a bit about the girl he'd had the ONS with - I don't suppose he thought she was a one off at the time lol but he hasn't been invited back ;-)

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Mosman · 02/12/2013 01:17

Honestly I think I would be happier with my kids growing up in Perth than the area of the uk we'd be heading back to - I still have my house there so that would be logical, I also have a good school place offer in both uk and Perth which makes the decision all the harder.

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bunchoffives · 02/12/2013 01:21

So if you'd be happier in Perth why not stay there, get your job and visa and get rid of the twat? Focus on making yourself totally independent of him and limit his contact with the DCs until you are sure he is behaving appropriately to them. It is him in your life that is causing the problems, yes?

whitesugar · 02/12/2013 01:21

Mosman, you said 'I'm so scared of having four children on my own if I'm honest'. Let me assure you from experience that having 4 children on your own will be a damn sight easier than having that complete tool in your and your childrens' life. I am going to sound harsh here but I have been there, and have lived in Perth a long way from home. Please believe me you will cope a lot better on your own. Your children know exactly what's going on and you are showing a very poor example to them. I wouldn't give such harsh advise lightly. Get the hell out of this situation. Its going to be tricky but put yourself and your kids first. You deserve a lot better. I hope to hear from you soon saying that you left and that things improved. You are a hell of a lot more capable than you realise. I wish you well, you can do it.

Lweji · 02/12/2013 01:22

You can live in different areas of the UK, if not at first, at least eventually.
And if you end up illegally in Perth, with no income, it cannot possibly be better than the UK.

Do you not have family in the UK? I didn't mean as support, but having family contact and links can be important for you and your children.

If you get another job, and end up staying in Perth, I'd get divorced for good.

DistanceCall · 02/12/2013 01:23

I think I said something like this to you in the past, but anyway: I think you're enjoying the drama in some way. This makes no sense at all. Do you like being a martyr?

Mosman · 02/12/2013 01:31

I don't think so tbh ... It's more that I get paralysed by the fear of doing the wrong thing if that makes sense.
My brother says make a call and own it which I know is absolutely the right advice but I find it so hard to put one foot in front of the other right now. I have no doubt I'm depressed I just want to curl up into a ball

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arfishy · 02/12/2013 01:47

I'm in a similar situation - I have to live with my ex-partner in order to stay in Austraila. We're on our 5th 457 visa, at the moment he holds it, for the last 2 years I did. We're hoping his sponsoring company will sponsor for PR after 2 years (we've tried this before but each time it's fallen through after 2 years of waiting, hence the number of 457s).

I completely understand your wanting to stay in Perth rather than return to the UK and leave him behind. It's a big decision to separate the children from their father and life in Australia is wonderful for children.

That said, the question is how you can remain. It's very hard to get a 457 unless you are approached by a company. I've managed it by being head hunted before, DP has managed by being in-situ with an organisation when one of our visas is ending and then asking for sponsorship.

The spouse who is currently de-facto on the visa is in the strongest position - they can find work anywhere. The spouse who holds the visa can't now work without a new visa being issued.

You need to act quickly. I would start a campaign with the job agencies - if you were sponsored before then you have specialist skills. Make sure your LinkedIn profile is full of key words and sells you hard - I get 3-4 approaches for work each month from LinkedIn.

Update your CV and pepperdash the agencies with it via Seek. Expect a deafening silence, do not mention your visa status on it. You will probably be called back for a job that is not listed.

If you are approached by a company this way then you are far more likely to get a visa or an offer of PR.

If your DH is currently the spouse on the visa then he should be pulling out the stops to get a decent job - he is eligible for working anywhere. Once he gets his foot in the door then he can ask to be sponsored. Having said that your visa expiry date is very soon. The majority of companies don't check up on visas once you've started so I expect he would be able to continue working once it has expired - obviously illegally and I wouldn't recommend it.

If you can you need to work as a team in order to stay in Australia. Alternatively you may have to return to the UK and attempt to get sponsorship again from there - it can sometimes be easier.

It's too late to attempt to go the PR route individually now, the process takes a long time and by the time you've got all the paperwork together they'll probably have changed the rules again .

Mosman · 02/12/2013 02:21

He is pulling out all the stops tbh but just can't seem to get or keep anything that pays enough to support one household never mind two.

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Lavenderhoney · 02/12/2013 02:31

I think your hand has been forced by the visa issue, sub consciously or not. Financially you could wobble on. What about the dc, will they be illegal as well?

You cannot remain there, financially, legally, for the good of your mental health. Why don't you leave now, spend the Christmas holiday getting organised and your dc start school in jan? Better for them than starting mid term in February. It could be done. Its not insurmountable. I don't see why you are making all these personal sacrifices. Are you still in love with him? Because, by the way he treats you and is openly dating, that ship has sailed.

Your dh is a tool. His behaviour to you and the dc wrt dating is unacceptable. You will have the support you need in the UK with benefits til you have a job. Your dc will be at school and making friends so you will have all day to do that. You don't have family in Perth either, I guess, so UK will be the same, only you are from here so there are intangible and well as tangible benefits.

But you know all this? What's stopping you really? The enormity of moving 4 dc and starting again?

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