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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Really not sure what to do is my DP a risk - advice please?

64 replies

sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 21:03

I have had a dysfunctional relationship with my DP for some time. He has always preferred porn to an intimate relationship with me. We got on so well in other ways that after much effort on my part I eventually turned a blind eye and got on with life. I had a beautiful DD nearly 3 yrs ago. Since I got pregnant and for over 12mths after there was no sex. I didn't realise the porn was now a daily thing. He killed our computer with a virus and a few weeks later had a mental breakdown. Turned out he had looked at an incest site and now had a voice telling him he was going to be a paedo.
Massive shock, trips to psych services, spoke with SW, they all said wasn't a threat was a mental breakdown/adverse reaction to what he saw.
Promised me was going to get help for porn addiction and I put family safety on the new computer. Really tried to work at our relationship but I don't relax, sleep properly, respect or trust him. My DD is the most important thing in my world.
Chucked him out on Wednesday, he is now trying to sort out contact with DD. Am worried as there is no evidence he may be a risk and I don't actually know he is but want some advice on what to do next????

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foolonthehill · 01/12/2013 21:10

The practical solution is for him to see DD at a contact centre, she is young and will find it engaging enough, you will have peace of mind and she will be safe.

The next thing is in his control...he needs proper focussed help to sort out his porn addiction and to do risk assessments for you and him. Whilst most people who look at porn may be deemed "safe" in normal society there is always a worry about the dehumanising effect and acting out possibilities. I think a professional and an expert in this particular field is needed but he will need to access voluntarily.

For you, you need support in RL as well as here.

sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 21:17

I am lucky I've got a brilliant friend and family but I also feel like they must think i'm a bad mother for trying to keep us together until the anxiety and the what if just got too much for me. How do I access a contact centre is it through SS?

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foolonthehill · 01/12/2013 21:34

Children's services can put you in touch or you can get in touch via the NACC www.naccc.org.uk/ National Information line Monday to Friday 9.30-4.30pm tel: 0845 4500 280.

ancientbuchanan · 01/12/2013 21:37

You are not a bad mother. You are putting your dd's safety above everything.

foolonthehill · 01/12/2013 21:37

You are not a bad mother...you have protected your child but also you need to have help to assess the actual risk. It is easy for people outside to say get rid...but you are the one making the decisions and living with them.

Nothing needs to happen immediately. Give yourself some time and space, get as much information as you can. Everyone is safe currently so you have time.

haveyourselfashandy · 01/12/2013 21:39

Get all the evidence you can together and insist on a contact center.I would not trust my exdp in this situation to be alone with our child.Am so sorry this has happened to you but I believe when porn becomes an addiction boundaries become blurred and and people need to look at more extreme material as time goes on (not in ALL cases but with some people).

Lweji · 01/12/2013 21:40

I'd also go for a contact centre, or supervised contact at least, perhaps at his parents, and preferably during the day only.
That he looked into incest sites is very disturbing, TBH, despite what psych and SW said.

Who has the computer? Could it be investigated?

haveyourselfashandy · 01/12/2013 21:42

I'm not in your situation though so I can only go on your op.You are not a bad mother for trying to keep your family together though I hope no one is giving you a hard time,you've got a lot to deal with.

sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 21:45

Thanks for the contact info. It is the hardest thing to rationally assess because there may very well be no risk, but it doesn't stop that fact that he clicked on and watched something deeply taboo and repugnant. Because of my feelings I don't want to rob my DD of a father neither do I want to put her at risk to support his rights to access as a father. Very confusing.
Also he is devastated and wants to try to make it work. But again its about what he wants and he isn't giving me space. Christmas is coming up and he wants to know when he can see her.

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sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 21:47

Lweji he smashed the computer and burnt the mother board therefore no evidence apart from medical records

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feelingfuckingfestiveok · 01/12/2013 21:52

I think you acted on your gut instinct here and rightly so.

Adverse reaction or not, its not the norm, you can't relax and live 'normal' so you have acted.

Contact center seems a good idea. You have a good family around you then your DD will benefit from good role models and secure attachments for her development and psitive adult outcomes. If your exDP sort himself out and you are satisfied then that will be ok.

MrsIgglePiggle · 01/12/2013 21:52

You have done the right thing. It sounds like he has serious emotional issues with females, and it is highly likely he'll end up transferring those issues on to your daughter. He probably needs a few years of psychotherapy / counselling, but very few people actually have the strength (or a genuine desire to change) to stick with it.

Your daughter will be safe in a contact center or with supervised visits. Do not leave her alone with him for many years to come. If he does seek unsupervised contact, I think you have plenty of evidence that would persuade a judge against it. If it comes to it, just get a very good and experienced psychiatrist on your side.

sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 21:53

Should have mentioned found a stack of dvd's down the back of the sofa, mainly women in school type uniforms. All legal but he cut them up with scissors. Since found a binbag full in his wardrobe which I still have.
Also he was playing with DD and dropped her on the floor, I was there and saw it all but she was hysterical. Was crying daddy hurt me, daddy doesn't want me. Toddlers can be manipulative and say all kinds of things but it made my blood run cold. What if one day she says that to me and it means something else entirely?
Am aware I am anxious/paranoid myself going to the dr tomorrow to get some help/counselling for me.

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trice · 01/12/2013 21:55

I understand that fear of becoming an abuser is quite a common theme in mental illness. It does not mean that the mentally ill person will do it. But it must be a terrible situation to be in for both of you.

A contact centre sounds like the best solution for all of you.

sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 22:20

I just wish this had never happened. Am so angry with him for being such an idiot. I loved him, he has a beautiful DD and a nice life. He found his intimacy on his own and frankly it's sad.
If it had been anything else I think I could have tried to get past it. But I have always been the adult in this relationship and he seems to lack emotional maturity. I have spent nearly nine years of my life with this man and I don't want to destroy or demonise him but I need to live my life with peace of mind.
Thank you all for your posts it is my first time on here. I feel like I have a clearer idea of how to move forward.

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MajesticWhine · 01/12/2013 22:36

what trice says is very true. Sometimes people who present no risk at all worry about being a paedophile. It's not unusual in people with OCD.
When you say he had a "mental breakdown" - this could mean many different things - do you know more about that? What was he treated for and did he receive a diagnosis?

foolonthehill · 01/12/2013 22:36

You need him to be an adult now...he needs to seek help, not run around burning/destroying and acting out his anger.

His future is first of all in his hands. Only he can do the right things to get help, to demonstrate remorse (not anger...remorse), to attempt to be the best version of himself that he can be. If he does not do this, or turns it around so he is the victim or you are somehow to blame then you have all you need to know.

You may be the adult in this relationship but you have to learn to treat him as a grown up too...responsibility for his own actions and no-one else to clear up the mess but himself...you are not his route to salvation, you ma, if he makes it choose to be his destination. Or not, but that will be your choice.

Look after yourself, there is a lot of grieving as well as practical and emotional dealing to do ....I hope you can find time space and support for yourself. leave him be...for a while, concentrate on you and you DD.

good luck OP

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 22:46

God, it makes you wonder what the hell he was looking at to break down like that. When you first said "incest site" I thought of brother-sister and thought they would be adults, but it sounds more as though he's been looking at father-daughter sites, doesn't it?

Has he told you what the pictures were of? Were there videos? Did he pay to use the site?

I agree with the others about using a contact centre.

sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 22:55

He started withdrawing wouldn't eat, sleep, completely rejected DD. A the time we shared childcare due to different shifts, he broke down told me I couldn't go to work the next day because he couldn't look after her.
Then spent several weeks under a blanket. Said he'd got a voice in his head telling him he wanted to abuse our daughter.
Got diagnosed with anxiety related depression and given anti-d's and anxiety meds. Also was given anti-psychotics cause of the voice.

Imperial - it was father/daughter cartoon Japanese?? Manga? About a father impregnating his daughter. That's all I know and I wish i didn't. Unfortunately that sort of 'fantasy' is available free to download. The breakdown was caused I think by the fact that he watched the whole thing and it turned him on.

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ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 23:03

Ugh. Well, where you are lucky is his reaction to it (not being turned on, but the breakdown) and the fact he's told you about it.

But, for everyone's peace of mind, I think it would be safer and easier if he had contact with her at a contact centre.

Interesting though, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone responding so violently to pornography. Have you? He really did take it to its limit, didn't he, and paid the price?

haveyourselfashandy · 01/12/2013 23:13

Do you think he's told you the whole truth about what he's been watching? The computer can still be checked no matter how much he damaged it I think.You need to keep your dd's safety at the forefront of your mind when he tries to make you feel guilty etc cos I know how hard that is when you seperate with someone,no matter what they have done its nearly always us mums that end up feeling guilty about something.

sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 23:20

I honestly don't know if he has told me everything. After he left he texted me at 7am the next day it said I know it's over are you going to tell anybody. Made me so mad his first thought was himself! The thing about something like this is the stigma and it's so bloody personal. I don't want to feel complicit to it with silence but neither do I want family etc to look at DD and wonder...
ps he took the computer to the tip after the smashing

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haveyourselfashandy · 01/12/2013 23:27

I don't think he has told you the truth then,sorry but it sounds to me he knew exactly what he was doing getting rid if that computer.I'm not saying he's a "paedo" but I think he's got some serious issues with his sexuality and women as someone upthread said.Tell people you trust if you want to talk about it,I understand your reluctance to do that though.Do you think he will get nasty if you refuse to let him have dd on his own?

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 23:29

Hmmm. He was certainly desperate to get rid of the evidence, wasn't he?

One thing I wonder. (I'm not trying to make things worse here.) I always thought that looking at really bad stuff online was like crossing a boundary and it was something you did very gradually. I assume that nobody goes online and immediately turns to very violent porn. For him to watch something that goes against every instinct he'd had and to watch it in full and to get turned on by it... well, for all that to happen on one day, I would think was quite unusual, wouldn't you?

sarahlou75 · 01/12/2013 23:38

Imperial I think that with any addiction you need a stronger hit over time. I think porn objectifies sex and women and the lines of reality get blurred. I think that after this he swore no porn he would get help but haven't seen to much evidence of that not with the stash (which he swears he hasn't watched) I found hidden round my house after I chucked him out.
I think that evil, sick, twisted stuff is like Pandora's box once open and it is more than likely this wasn't a one off. That then makes me mad with myself for not acting quicker. I am guilty of trying to fix this when it isn't me that needs fixing.

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