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Being sworn at in front of my child

(38 Posts)
TheCrumpetQueen Sat 30-Nov-13 10:44:35

My partner can be shouty and when we argue or disagree he will immediately start shouting. I tell him to please not shout in front of ds (1yr old) as I don't want that for him.

What really upsets me is when he will call me names in front of ds (like arsehole, prick, dick). I just feel so sad and guilty for ds and I know one day he will think its ok to call me those names. I know he doesn't understand now, but it's not far off at all.

After the third argument this year,I've warned him not to ever talk to me like that and that I will leave him if he continues for the sake of ds - he deserves better. No one in my family has ever called me names, especially during minor-ish arguments. Don't really know what I'm asking for here, just could do with some support as I feel so down.

TheCrumpetQueen Sat 30-Nov-13 19:08:38

No it's my inheritance. I have squat left over after bills and food etc

Thanks for the replies I appreciate it

jasmineramsden Sat 30-Nov-13 17:09:32

What Doingitformyself said.

Finola1step Sat 30-Nov-13 16:21:32

So he's a crap partner who can't be trusted to look after his own child without being reminded to give him a bottle.

Get out quick. Keep your savings for you and your son. I don't care if he's had to put more in to the monthly budget so that the savings can build up. Take the money and run. You owe this man nothing. You owe your child a calm, secure, loving and peaceful environment in which to grow up in.

fifi669 Sat 30-Nov-13 16:16:08

Just out of fairness, are they your savings as in you both contribute equally to the household expenses and you put some away? Or he contributes more so you have leftover money for you to save in your account for your joint deposit? I'd be pretty miffed if I were him and it was the latter.

DoingItForMyself Sat 30-Nov-13 15:59:14

Sorry, second part of my message was for OP.

Be careful and make sure it's what you want, not what you think you should want. It's easy to get swept along in a sea of LTBs but don't make any rash decisions.

Only you know what the situation is actually like and while we can all advise on how we might handle the same situation, only you know how much of your relationship is good and how much is bad and also how you may speak to him sometimes (which I conveniently blanked out a bit).

Perhaps think about a break to get your head straight and show that you're having serious doubts without the knee jerk reaction of leaving?

DoingItForMyself Sat 30-Nov-13 15:52:42

Moonshine, I had a AIBU about DP's coldsore if you want to find it. He told me to STFu and I promptly finished with him. Most MNers agreed that it was totally unacceptable to speak to a partnered like that.

However, having had a big discussion with him and talking it over with RL friends I am prepared to accept that in the heat of the moment and if an apology is forthcoming (which it was eventually) then you don't have to make this a huge deal.

An assertive "if you want me to listen, don't speak to me like that." and if he persists tell him you are not having any sort of discussion until he calms down and talks to you respectfully. That's my plan anyway!

HootOnTheBeach Sat 30-Nov-13 14:22:20

I grew up in an abusive household. My dad used to hit my mum a lot, shout at her, swear constantly. As he got older (14 onwards) he got lazier and stopped hitting her, just shouted instead. He himself grew up in a similar environment. ngl, I am quite traumatised from having to be around that constantly. I remember getting hopeful countless times when my mother would bitterly swear to LTB and pack up. She never did and I admit I resent her massively for getting my childish hopes up and for keeping us in a toxic, nasty environment. My parents are now old, hate each other, argue constantly but are too lazy to divorce and find new partners etc. They wasted their lives and scarred me in the process.

OP, I made an account just to answer to this thread because you really touched a nerve with me.

You need to get out. You need to grow a backbone, gather some integrity and get the fuck out of that house. Why should you get used to that kind of abuse from someone just because you happen to be shagging each other? If a friend swore at you and called you names, showed an astounding lack of respect would you keep them in your life? No? So why is this any different?

If you don't care about yourself, then do it for the kid and his future partners. Because if DS grows up seeing that it's ok for daddy to swear at mummy and give her abuse, how do you think he will act in his future relationships?

Don't tie yourself to the bastard any more than you already have. You can't get a refund on the kid, but you can certainly choose what to do with your savings.

Basically, take a deep breath and get a grip.

Lweji Sat 30-Nov-13 14:03:39

So, he's not even a great dad, is he?

Don't worry. He'll feed your child when he complains about it at least.

My ex was a bit useless, but my DS survived. I worked full time and had to have trips away.

TheCrumpetQueen Sat 30-Nov-13 13:54:17

It's my savings. I would leave him with his dad but would worry he would forget about bottles etc I'd have to leave a list and things prepared and call to check he's done things so not really a break really

ImperialBlether Sat 30-Nov-13 12:47:37

Do the savings belong to you or to both of you? Not that it makes a difference if you are going to need a deposit, but I was just thinking of objections he'd raise.

shelbytortoise Sat 30-Nov-13 12:38:40

Do you feel happy leaving ds with him? What is his relationship with your little one like?

Lweji Sat 30-Nov-13 12:33:22

Certainly do not use your savings to buy with him. Buy for yourself.

Lweji Sat 30-Nov-13 12:32:23

Or you could leave him holding the baby for a while.

You do need a rest and quiet time to think.

NigellasLeftNostril Sat 30-Nov-13 12:31:36

Crumpet please just take your savings and leave him, it will never get better, I have been there and it is incredibly damaging for the child as well as you of course.
take care xx

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 12:22:18

Think about it as aiming to increase your happiness rather than increase his unhappiness?

TheCrumpetQueen Sat 30-Nov-13 12:19:28

I was at a relatives on Friday night, partner went out thurs and Friday with mates and had a nice lie in and day off. I'm knackered. Why should I go again leaving him with peace. I'd have to pack so much stuff for ds too, it's knackering

TheCrumpetQueen Sat 30-Nov-13 12:18:03

We're renting now. I have the savings that would be going towards our deposit when we buy next year.

That's what I want, a safe place. I would like to move back nearer my family too.

Lweji Sat 30-Nov-13 12:06:20

Maybe staying away for a few days will give you a better perspective and space to think, and a wake up call for him.

Are you looking to buy in your name? If you continue to live with him, he may still have a claim to the house if he pays the bills while you pay the mortgage, for example. Check the legalities.

I do get the feeling that you want out, though. You can do it now, without waiting for him to swear at you again. You don't have to give second chances.

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 12:03:48

I'm looking into housing on Monday as I don't want to be relying on him, I want my own property and security for me and ds

It might also help to think about how you'd make it a home. Ie as well as thinking about the practicalities, think how you'd make it that safe, comfortable place for you and your son too.

TheCrumpetQueen Sat 30-Nov-13 12:03:04

Can't go to any relatives at the moment, called around but not possible. Just have to stay to myself today

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 12:02:39

I think maybe he won't do it when ds is bigger and talking. I can't see why you'd think this other than you'd wish it were true.

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 12:01:55

Is that an option? Can you take a short holiday and stay with a friend or relative for some TLC? I think people want to help, they just need to know that you need it. Some of us find it very difficult to ask for help when we need it.

TheCrumpetQueen Sat 30-Nov-13 12:00:39

I do mean it. But then when we're getting along well again it never seems that bad and I think maybe he won't do it when ds is bigger and talking.

I'm looking into housing on Monday as I don't want to be relying on him, I want my own property and security for me and ds

TheCrumpetQueen Sat 30-Nov-13 11:59:24

Yes hiding away from everything. I'm so tired with ds and working just want to get away and not have to remember to do a million things a day

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 11:56:43

I feel so low I just want to disappear right now What do you mean? I know this might sound stupid to some, but if that means hiding under a blanket or having a night away in a hotel, perhaps that's just what you need right now?

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