is this ok? confused!

[sausagesarenotafruit]

I have been in a fairly long distance relationship for nearly three years. We plan to marry next year and sell our respective homes and relocate to a mutually acceptable area. The thing is that our lives apart from each other are very different.

I am a single mum and although I work I pay a mortgage and money is extremely tight. Over the past year my savings have dwindled to nothing and now winter is here again I am really struggling financially. If I didn't need to heat my home I could manage (just). Christmas is approaching and I am feeling the pressure. Its not the luxuries but the essentials i can't afford. I am so worried i am losing sleep and feel stressed and weepy. I am doing things to try to increase my income but without success so far.

My 'partner' works full time and although he also pays a mortgage by himself too he earns about 4 times what I do and our outgoings are similar. He is not exactly rolling in it but is comfortable and doesn't have to worry. I have made him aware how difficult things are for me but I wouldn't feel ok asking him for money. But I find myself becoming increasingly resentful that he doesn't offer to help. I can't understand why he thinks it is fine to just let me struggle on. I don't think he has ever had to struggle financially and so maybe just doesn't get it? I don't even know if I would accept if he offered to give me some money but it would mean a lot if he did. I just don't feel very cared for I suppose.

It is making me question whether I should be marrying this man although I love him and he has many great qualities. And I am in a bit of a desperate situation. I just don't know what to think? Any advice please.

[JazzyCardi]

Have you discussed how you'll deal with finances once you're living together?

It might not have occurred to him to help you out while you're both financing your own homes so the measure of him (financially) is how he intends to finance your shared life.

[Only1scoop]

When are you planning to live together? After you are married.... Is the wedding quite soon?

[sausagesarenotafruit]

Thanks Jazzy yes we have and he says our incomes would be shared. This is of concern because the move will mean that I have to give up my job and is is unlikely I will find another in my profession but I have ideas for self employment which he is supportive of. Its just that this is all future and I need help now!

[Pancakeflipper]

How aware is he? Some people need to hear the clear facts to realise there is an issue ( hinting is not something they get).

And I am not clear what you want. Do you want him to help? But you won't ask?


I think if you want help you ask. And then his response will be very telling and answer your question about if you want to marry him. So surely for that alone - it's worth asking him to help?

[sausagesarenotafruit]

We haven't set a date yet - I do get the feeling that he is nervous about this or just very passive. The plan is that all this happens next spring/ summer.

[WhoNickedMyName]

Well I don't know what exactly you want from him, I don't think you do either, so how do you expect him to know?

[sausagesarenotafruit]

Pancake that is a good idea but feels scary. I did ask him for a delivery of logs for my xmas present - is that too subtle do you think? He has offered to come see me and 'talk about my worries'. Also offers 'hugs' via text when I am distressed which makes me want to tell him to f the f off.

[OohBridget]

I have to ask. Why are you marrying someone you or your dc haven't lived with?

[Pancakeflipper]

Logs is way too subtle. Do the talk. Make sure it's at a time when you are not rushed. Are you meeting soon?

[sausagesarenotafruit]

Bridget because of the distance I guess. To move in together requires such a massive life change that we might as well be married. Does that make sense? I wanted marriage as I haven't been married and wanted that commitment. I want to feel certain of him I suppose.

[steeking]

Open honesty is a good basis for a relationship. You need to tell him how bad it is. Show him how your budget.
If he loves and cares for you he should be concerned about your predicament and want to help you.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Don't get married right away! It's far to big a step for an untested relationship, especially when you have children.

[OohBridget]

I really don't mean to be rude but im so shocked at this thread im amazed no one else is jumping up and down in true mn fashion. Am i missing something. .is this a cultural thing?
I am honestly you would marry and move your dc in with a man you couldn't possibly have spent enough time with to make this sort of commitment to if its really that long distance. How can you marry someone who you don't feel comfortable asking for help with when you are struggling with essentials and heating your house. I'm honestly baffled.. you have to be a team.

I really really don't mean to offend .. (im far too sensitive for mn really lol) I just feel like there must be a huge chunk of info missing here? subtle hints are for Christmas presents. .not for help from a future husband!

[sausagesarenotafruit]

I have suggested that we live together at mine first but he doesn't want to do the commute (just over an hour but £5000 a year). I have experienced how few rights you have as an unmarried mother separating from a partner and I don't want to be in that position again. Doesn't marriage give me security?

[Hissy]

How much interaction does this man have with your dc?

Have you been on holidays together (including the dc?)

You're taking a massive risk, and with children in the mix, you can't be too careful!

[Meerka]

You're coming into this with a set of expections. That he will see how you are struggling and simply understand without it being said. But how can he? People don't see and certainly don't understand the reality of trying to stretch every penny 4 ways until they've been there.

I don't think you can expect someone who has maybe never struggled for money to know what your situation is unless you tell him. Its not fair to him to drop half hints like fuel logs and expect him to simply get it from then on. Unless you speak plainly to him, give him the chance to understand, I'm afraid that I don't think you can reasonably feel resentful - though it's very understandable!

Not saying you need to ask him for money. You may choose to ask for money (or things like the logs, that was a really good idea) or you may not. What I am saying is that either way this is a problem between you two. If it's causing pressure for you, then it's a problem for you both, later if not sooner.

Without him, you'd still be struggling presumably. It is galling when you go out with someone who has a much greater income, but that is a challenge in the relationship that you can face together. If it does not work out well, then it's better to know sooner than later. How he handles the discussion will be quite revealing.

Your comment about him beign passive about the wedding is concerning. You are quite sure he wants to go ahead with it?

I think you need to sit down and discuss at least the money and maybe both things.

[Teeb]

Honestly, that's a really very bad reason to get married.

You said you'd both be moving to a new place? What about his work? What about your kids school/friends? You are going to leave your home and job to move in with a man you've never lived with before, in a place you've never lived on what basis?

This all sounds a bit fairytale to me, as if you are running away from your current life and hoping everything will magically fit into place and you'll live happily ever after.

[Hissy]

You can get legal contracts drawn up to protect rights automatically covered by marriage in the meantime.

I think you need to be totally sure of what you're doing, and from what I can see, you're a million miles away from being sure.

[Only1scoop]

I can see how your reaction to his text reply of 'hugs' makes you twitch a little. You are subtly trying to explain your predicament.... And of course you would prefer a more pro-active reply.... An open honest talk would be great and express your thoughts on how you would both like things to operate in the future re finances etc. Especially as a move could see you not working for a while. Best of luck

[CailinDana]

I agree with Bridget. If you can't talk openly about money you are not ready to get married. Plus you say you want to marry to be "certain of him" - what does that mean?

[BigPawsBrown]

Have you met?

If so, who visits who? This must be ££ if it's you

[OohBridget]

An hours commute is nothing. I do it myself.

I just feel the risk to your dc is so huge.

You can't marry someone for certainty or security. Sure. You'll get legal rights but it is definitely not security. He could turn out to be very different to how you expect now.



is this an online relationship?

[PoppyField]

Hi Sausages,

I would say that being able to talk about money is a fairly big part of your relationship and....sure as eggs is eggs, NOT being able to talk about money is a major problem. You need to know that you can be frank and accepted now. If you are worrying that you - as a package, money worries and all - might not be acceptable to him, then I think you may have problems stacking up in the future.

What you are expressing is doubts about your relationship. You want him to sense what he needs to do without you telling him what is happening for you. That may be rather a tall order. You have a long distance relationship. He does not have your circumstances in front of him every day. Does he come to visit? Is it obvious you can't afford to heat your house etc? Do you cover up? Do you feel you would be less loveable if he knew the truth about you.

There's something here that you are not sure about. There is a real uncertainty about selling up, throwing in your lot with this person and moving to an area where you don't even know you will find work. At least you have work at the moment and that means a great deal. You have financial independence, even if that means hardship at some level. You would be swapping that for dependence. Dependence is risky. What you are saying is that you may not want to risk being dependent on this man.

You know him. We don't. Trust your gut instinct. Your gut instinct is telling you that this doesn't feel right. There are plenty of threads on here from women who are financially dependent and then much more vulnerable to emotional and financial abuse. Forgive me if I presume too much... but you don't sound ready to throw in your lot with this man.

Really really try, as other posters have said, to have a proper conversation with your partner. For god's sake he is meant to be the love of your life/life partner/soulmate/whatever.... this conversation should be possible. Put your cards on the table and be prepared not to like his stance. If you don't like it, be prepared to stand on your own again.

I think you are stronger than you think and in fact are worried about throwing away what you have, even if it is really really hard to make ends meet. At least where you are now you KNOW where you are. If you go ahead with marrying - without really nailing down who does what, who pays for what, what financial settings you are going to have - then I think that you won't feel secure and happy. This seems to be what you are expressing in your post. I have total sympathy for you. You have survived on your own all this time - don't knock your achievement, and even though it seems hard, don't throw in your lot with someone who may not be generous, kind, thoughtful and everything else that you need. Attitude to money is very important as it tells you what you need to know about their attitude to everything else.

Good luck. Have a listen to your doubts. Just because you've not been married before, don't think that is ALL THAT. I am trying my hardest to rid myself of my marriage and I wish wish wish that I still had a job.

[JeanSeberg]

This is madness, cool things with him and focus on ways to increase your income or reduce outgoings. Does the children's father pay his share?

[Lweji]

I don't think it's a good idea to lose your independence to get married to a man you are currently having a long distance with. There is so much you don't know by not sharing your day to day. Have you had long holidays together?

So, if you move you lose your job, with no guarantees of your self employment ideas will work. No idea how much you make per year, but it has to be more than the 5k he "loses" by commuting to live with you. He can rent his house and make more than 5k a year. I'd say you and him gain financially from him moving in with you, and it wouldn't uproot your DC before being more confident the marriage is working. You'd certainly be in a stronger position in case things don't work out.

I'd be putting this case before him and see his reaction. If he still wants you to lose your job and move in to be effectively dependent on him, I'd be wondering why. Remember that abusers don't reveal themselves until their partners are dependent on them. He may not be violent or emotionally abusive, but could be financially controlling. His current attitude does not particularly bide well. How does he propose to share finances? How does he propose to share bills?
What is your gut feeling regarding his attitude towards finances? Do you think he'd be ok with you spending on yourself from his income? Do you think you'd feel ok with you spending on yourself from his income?