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Am I being selfish guy here? - sex after pregnancy issue

(189 Posts)
blueeyedguy Wed 27-Nov-13 20:53:32

Hi all,

wondering if I could get some advice from a females perspective.

My partner and I have 2 children, one 3 and another who is 13 weeks old.

After the birth of our second it became apparent that my partner had an issue with a bladder prolapse which has become an obstacle in getting being able to get our sex life back on track. I have been supportive with this and tried to keep my own high sex drive under control and not been a pest to her.

Penetrative sex would be difficult for us, but am I selfish for asking for her to perform oral sex or handjob on me in the meantime?

On the occasion I asked, and tried to be as tactful about it as possible, I was told "why, what am i going to get out of it"? Also, understandably so she says breastfeeding our little one doesn't really make her feel sexy.

Now I understand her position, it must be very frustrating for her, and I am happy to wait if it needs to be like that, but I cant help thinking that helping me out wouldn't be really a big deal?

If roles were reversed I wouldn't mind easing her frustrations as making her happy makes me happy.

LozzaCro Wed 27-Nov-13 20:58:15

I am going to hold back a lot here. I think you should talk to your partner about this rather than make suggestions about sorting yourself out.

I believe 13 weeks after giving birth I was very much NOT interested in sex at all. I didn't have another child to look after, and I didn't have the kind of post birth complications your partner has.

I wish you luck - and hope you have a hard hat on for the shower of shit you are about to receive from MumsNet.

NickNacks Wed 27-Nov-13 20:58:26


PenguinsDontEatPancakes Wed 27-Nov-13 20:58:54

Yes, you are being massively selfish. And entitled.

MildDrPepperAddiction Wed 27-Nov-13 20:59:15

Yes, you are being selfish. Your partner has just had a baby, has a medical issue she now needs to deal with following the birth and all you can think of are your needs. She needs your support and love, not you pestering her for a handjob.

FlatsInDagenham Wed 27-Nov-13 21:01:19

Good lord - can't you sort yourself out ffs?

Pollydon Wed 27-Nov-13 21:02:51


blueeyedguy Wed 27-Nov-13 21:03:36

I guess the first few replies confirms what I thought. smile

As I say, I haven't made this a huge issue for us, so want to make it clear I haven't been putting her under pressure at all.

I am well aware that things can take time to get things back on track, as we took our time after our first.

Im happy to stick things out. smile

JemR234 Wed 27-Nov-13 21:04:20

If making her happy makes you happy as you say, then don't be putting pressure on her like that FFS!

Do you want to be another chore on her list - change nappy, put washing in, clean the sink, give DH a blow job...That would be extremely unhealthy for your relationship. It astounds me that some men don't realise this. Give her time, love, support and patience. Help her out with the kids. Let her know you still fancy her. Keep holding her hand, giving her kisses and cuddles. But don't go asking her to 'help you out' - biggest turn off ever.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 27-Nov-13 21:04:22

Selfish selfish

SweetSeraphim Wed 27-Nov-13 21:05:35

Lol. That's what your hand is for, love.

Perhaps you should forget about sex for a bit and help your partner to feel better. It's not going to hurt you to have to masturbate if you feel the need. Well, apart from your balls exploding, obvs hmm

WeAreSix Wed 27-Nov-13 21:05:39

Just to give you some perspective. My DH waited more like 13 months for anything intimate. And I had no medical problems following childbirth.

I find it interesting that you see this as sex after pregnancy, not after giving birth. I wonder how you'd feel if your penis had been stretched open to the size of a Dairylea lid (yep, they're 10cm) and then shoved a melon through the opening, turning your testicles inside out.

Her health (physical and emotional) needs are the most important, not your sexual desire.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Wed 27-Nov-13 21:06:57

And do not underestimate the sheer horror of having another living being attached to you 24/7. I could not STAND being touched in any way by DH at that stage. Yes it was tough on him but quite frankly I didn't give a fuck. It was tough on me feeding our baby to keep it, you know, alive.

CailinDana Wed 27-Nov-13 21:08:33

Three months ago a person came out of your wife's body and damaged her internally. Now that little person relies entirely on her to survive. Chances are she gets very little sleep. I think it would make her happy if you stopped being a figurative wanker and started being an actual one. So why don't you do that?

PenguinsDontEatPancakes Wed 27-Nov-13 21:09:05

You aren't though. Because you came on an internet forum hoping we'd all say you were being perfectly reasonable to want a quick 'sorting out' and could go back and tell her she was odd.

If you were genuinely supportive, for a start you wouldn't be suggesting anything like that. Oral sex and manual stimulation are normally part of a loving and mutual expression of sexuality in a balanced marriage. Yes, you might just give a blow job in an individual encounter without anything else, but overall there will be balance. You were suggesting it as a one sided servicing of your 'needs' at a time when your wife has enough on her plate.

Secondly, even if you were daft enough to put it forward, do you really then come on here to find out if you are being unreasonable if you are knocked back? Who cares what we think. She doesn't want to, and that's the only answer there is.

PenguinsDontEatPancakes Wed 27-Nov-13 21:09:59

God WeareSix. Is a Dairylea lid really 10cm. I'm four months with no. 3. I really didn't need that image!

woooooooobooo Wed 27-Nov-13 21:10:46

I don't usually reply on threads like this but ffs what a selfish oaf you are. Your poor wife. I also suffered prolapse with dd3 and the last thing on my mind was my dhs dick. Can't believe you're ignorant enough to even have asked your question. She has just given you the gift of your 2nd child. Why don't you try looking after her rather than putting pressure on her by intimating you fancy a bj. Believe me the more supportive you are the more chance you've got of having any kind of sex life with her....ever. Keep being selfish and she'll be posting her woes about her selfish dh on here and we'll all be telling her to ltb

LittleBairn Wed 27-Nov-13 21:11:00

YABU stop being a sex pest. Your making it sound like she owes you it, she doesn't.

SweetSeraphim Wed 27-Nov-13 21:11:00

<You were suggesting it as a one sided servicing of your 'needs' at a time when your wife has enough on her plate.>

Yes. This.

blueeyedguy Wed 27-Nov-13 21:12:48

Oh believe me I am supportive.

Changing nappies, feeding in middle of the night, taking care of my 3 year old so it allows her to concentrate on the baby, doing house hold chores, school runs, shopping trips.... I do it and more... i do everything without any expectations because I love her and my family. Please don't assume i'm a useless guy who expects her to do everything and then service me too.

Was asking for your opinion and I now have it, thank you.

dreamingbohemian Wed 27-Nov-13 21:13:11

Presumably, since you were able to type this post, you have at least one hand of your own.

I think it's okay to raise the question with her, because couples should be able to talk about these things. But yes you are being massively selfish, or maybe just kind of dense, to not understand that if she doesn't feel like having sex, that includes all kinds of sex.

Giving a blowjob or handjob is fun when you're in the mood, feeling intimate and loved up, being pleasured in return, etc. If you're not in the mood and you're not getting anything in return, then tbh it can be kind of unpleasant. Is that so hard to get?

ReluctantBeing Wed 27-Nov-13 21:13:21

I hope she leaves you.

Liara Wed 27-Nov-13 21:13:24

Yes, don't even think of asking.

All her giving for the next year or two should be to your baby. She needs you to take care of her, not the reverse.

PenguinsDontEatPancakes Wed 27-Nov-13 21:14:19

Why did you want our opinion though? What did you think the outcome would be? I think you've had quite a gentle response really all things considered.

WeAreSix Wed 27-Nov-13 21:14:33

Sorry penguins

We used it for antenatal teaching smile

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