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Relationships

Bringing savings & debt to a relationship - WWYD?

34 replies

GromitAndWallace · 26/11/2013 18:45

DP and are moving in together, and have discussed marriage too. I'm of the school of thought that says you share finances with your partner, and definitely your spouse. However it's second time around for us both so a bit more complicated I guess.

DP has a large debt to pay off. It was run up by his exW when they were married. He is paying it off as fast as possible, but obviously there is interest to pay on it too.

I have savings equal to the size of his debt. They don't attract very good rates of interest. Here's my dilemma:
Do we pool our finances and I effectively pay off his ex's spending?

Or I could "loan" him the money and ask for interest equal to whatever I could get from a long term savings account, which is way more favourable than the interest he's paying.

Or I could keep it separate and for the purpose it was intended for, which is dcs' education / foot on housing ladder / whatever they need. Ultimately DP earns and will earn more than me so arguably will put more into our combined pot over the years. My dc do not have a father who provides for them and DP will be 'taking them on' for want of a better phrase.

I absolutely want to share with DP - I think it's the origin of the debt that's getting to me, it's not like he ran it up studying for qualifications or similar when I'd feel much happier about pooling our respective debt and savings. FWIW DP hasn't asked directly or indirectly for a penny and doesn't know that I could pay off the debt in full.

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something2say · 26/11/2013 18:50

Under no circumstances pay off his debt. Absolutely not. Watch and see what he is really like with money before you give him all of yours.

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OohBridget · 26/11/2013 18:50

I think, that they aren't 'your' savings. They are intended for your dc. I don't think this money is valid to the pooling rule.

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onetiredmummy · 26/11/2013 18:51

If he's not struggling to pay it off then you keep your savings. Even though you are moving in together & discussing marriage, there is still a possibility of your relationship breaking up & I would be worried that if you lent it or paid off this debt then you would be left financially screwed.

Its a very noble thought & I admire you for thinking of it but it just seems to leave you a bit unprotected for the moment. Why not wait until after you are married (where assets are joint) & make the offer then :)

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EirikurNoromaour · 26/11/2013 18:52

No no no. Keep your finances separate until he has cleared the debt. Then build up joint savings. Leave that money where it is.

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MacMac123 · 26/11/2013 18:55

KEEP YOUR MONEY!

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ToTheTeeth · 26/11/2013 18:55

Do not pay it off. It's not even his debt, it's his ex-wife's. What's he done to get her to take responsibility?

To be really cynical, he's already shown that he's not good at joint finances. Why entangle yourself?

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QuintessentialShadows · 26/11/2013 18:56

Dont marry him until his debts are cleared. Dont be a feckless teen with your savings.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/11/2013 18:59

Love's love but money's money. Don't pay off his debt and, if you have DCs, think long and hard about the financial and inheritance implications of marriage.

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GromitAndWallace · 26/11/2013 19:02

Thank you everyone! It is good to hear a solid voice of reason, I know that the whole being in love thing is making everything seem rather rose-tinted in my world right now. His exW is paying off some but ... I don't want to get started actually as it makes me so cross. His ability to manage finances is fine and I don't want to get into details but he works away a lot so trusted exW with household finances etc and didn't know what she was up to basically.

OP posts:
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QuintessentialShadows · 26/11/2013 21:32

Have you ever thought to change your name to



GrallaceAnd

?


Sorry Blush

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PyjamaDayToday · 27/11/2013 00:11

My XDP came into the relationship with a similar story about his XDW running up debts. He paid them off, I didn't help. But when he got some redundancy money he spent it, and more and suddenly was in a load of debt.

We were together and in luuuuuuurve so I loaned him a very large amount of money to pay off his debts. This affected the relationship badly as said he felt less of a man and was beholding to me. Then we split up. He is a decent parson and is paying me back, little by little, but it will take years.
What I'm saying is you don't always get to see what people are like with money straight away. Hold onto your money - no good will come of paying off your DPs debts.

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moldingsunbeams · 27/11/2013 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 27/11/2013 03:49

If the money was meant for your kids, then I'd be really wary about putting his financial interests ahead of theirs. Why should they, in effect, pay off your new partner's ex-wife's debts? And while he may be a complete sweetie and his ex all he claims, it's early days really, isn't it?

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worley · 27/11/2013 03:57

Agree with moldingsunbeams.. Just because he worked away he still could check online banking. When he was home he could see what she'd been spending money on? Unless she took cards out in her own name and hidden from him, if so debts not in his name. Pleading ignorance is not an excuse.
My ex also blames me for his debt.. And yet He was the one with the out of control "I'll pay it back later" attitude to wanting bigger better tv, car, gadgets etc. I have no debt he's the one with the credit cards etc.

I will never share my finances again. My dc are to receive all my savings (if I don't treat my self first)

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maleview70 · 27/11/2013 07:11

I think the solution may be to keep your own money but perhaps cut him some slack on how much he contributes to the house etc...so he can maybe pay debt off quicker.

I said to my DW when she moved in that I didn't want anything off her but I did want her to use the money she was saving on rent to pay off her debt. It worked well.

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summermovedon · 27/11/2013 07:11

His ex ran up the debt, on his cards, without him being able to stop her, really.... Hmm

I personally would reevaluate how to share finances with a relatively new (any) partner. Yes, share what is brought into the household, but not to the detriment of your own savings. You have no real idea how this debt was accumulated.

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GromitAndWallace · 27/11/2013 07:23

Thank you all for the sound advice. I'm not going to go into details about DP's job but it is perfectly plausible for his exW to have done this without his knowledge. Heck, I could have done this to some extent when married to DH, I managed all our finances, he didn't even know the online banking passwords! And he didn't work away. (I didn't run up loads of debt though.)

I hear what everyone's saying about knowing someone, I do know DP, he doesn't realise how much I have and has always paid his way. maleview I think your approach is a good one, in terms of making a small difference.

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struggling100 · 27/11/2013 07:48

Just to second what others have said: do NOT pay off the debt.

DO come up with a financial plan that looks at your practical outgoings (bills, mortgage/rent etc.) with a view to making the burden as light as possible for both of you.

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Xenadog · 27/11/2013 07:52

OP let him pay his own debt off but make smaller contributions to the family pot whilst he is doing so. It's a debt he is responsible for and ideally he won't be bringing it into the new family.

I suggest you have a family pot for household bills/savings and then you both keep the rest of your own money separate. Living together should be cheaper than living alone so DP should be able to pay the debt of a little bit more quickly too.

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Xenadog · 27/11/2013 07:52

off not of sorry - too early!

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Lazyjaney · 27/11/2013 07:54

Do not pay off the debt. Put the money in trust for DC to reduce temptation.

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OneMoreChap · 27/11/2013 08:50

Does DP have children by XW?
If so, perhaps he'd better put some savings aside for them after he's paid of his marriage debt with XW.

Once the savings positions are equalised, then you could look at pooling.

Oh and the savings for your DC? If they are not in the DCs name, they are your savings...

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HappyAsEyeAm · 27/11/2013 09:08

I am all for joint finances - DH and I have pooled everything we have earned since we got married (and for white a while before now that I come to think of it, when we were living together). He earns significantly more than I do. The difference is that neither of us came to our relationship with debt, and neither of us came with savings either.

In your situation, where you have your own DC that you alone are financially responsible for, and savings which you have mentally earmarked for them, I would be putting the money in trust for them for when they get to whatever age you think they should be before being able to use that money.

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Yogii · 27/11/2013 09:42

I'd ring-fence anything you take into the relationship - keep it for your kids. Dip into it if you want to get something jointly, but on an equal contribution basis.

That said, if you go joint from hereon, then having him pay a load of interest to a bank doesn't make sense. If you trust him and he's in a safe job, think about lending it to him so he avoids interest. But, get it back and then set it aside again.

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Tilpil · 27/11/2013 09:54

I would offer it him on the basis that the amount he is paying on the debt is paid into a savings account every month to pay it back to you dc if u have the money to pay it off you could feel guilty if he pays more than you for things and you know you could help him out but I would also wait awhile till you know what's happening with the two of you maybe pay off some and see how that goes?

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