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really upset, sad and scared

(190 Posts)
thatsnotmynamereally Mon 25-Nov-13 06:23:01

Sorry in advance as this feels long to me. I've posted often about my emotionally abusive H over the past year and now with benefit of all the help I've had here and from reading books and speaking to women's aid I feel I can more clearly see what he is doing-- his tactics-- and what has been going on through our whole marriage/relationship of 25 years.

He has constantly belittled me because I haven't worked (full time, have done bits of freelance) over the past few although I have been drawing a salary from his firm, for tax purposes-- that stopped at the end of September. I have no self confidence and although I have good skills in my field it has been really hard for me to start properly job hunting and he has been no help whatsoever-- for example he picked up a copy of my CV when I'd sat down to proofread it, said it was sh*te and crumpled it up. But I managed to get a contract job, it literally landed in my lap and it is a lovely project. I started exactly a week ago. It's not the most impressive job in terms of prestige or money but it is a good way back into the loop as far as I'm concerned... and one week in I'm loving it, really enjoy everything about being at work full time again.

True to type (I had been wondering how he would respond) he seems to be subtly making problems. He has just been generally in a bad mood and I've been tiptoeing around, at the moment I'm still getting used to getting back into the routine of getting up and going to work. When I worked full time, as I did the whole time our kids were growing up (I stopped when DS was in last year of A levels, he's now 3rd year uni and DD is in first year so we have an empty nest, kids are both doing well and I'm v proud of them) his rule was that my job could never interfere with his life, I have always had to do all the cooking/childcare/clothes etc. But because he earned more money than me that was deemed fair... but of course looking back I always put myself in the position of second to him, and probably reinforced his view that he was entitled to special treatment.

Anyway to get to the point. This weekend, my first after working, he wanted to our weekend house in the countryside-- his pet project and something he has used to extremely control us (mainly me + DD over the summer, DS early on started refusing to go). I was a bit muddled up as to what I wanted to do, in my mind, I thought I should put my foot down and say NO as I could stay here plus get laundry done, do some cooking for the week, and play around with the project I have on the computer (he does NOT want me working at home even briefly as I won't get paid for it, but I would like to brush up my computer skills a bit and do some extra work on the project) but for various reasons I agreed to go. Although we had a nice time Saturday as we met up with friends, he was niggling away all day today (Sunday). For example I lightheartedly asked what the agenda was for the day, as I was making the coffee and just wanted to know what he had in mind for the day, ie work in the garden or go for a walk, and he exploded at me for using the word 'agenda' as it sounded like a work-word... he was doing his own thing on the computer and said he just wanted to be left alone so I didn't bring him a cup of coffee, which further infuriated him, etc etc and the day sort of went downhill. But we went by to see DS as we had to deliver something to him so there was some point to the day so to speak.

We got back around 6:00 tonight, I put a load of laundry in, and cooked dinner, he sat on the sofa and worked on HIS project. I transferred laundry to tumble drier eventually, after dinner I folded clothes, set up ironing board and ironed 2 pairs of trousers for him, left shirts on the back of a chair, left ironing board up as I was going to do a quick job on the shirts. NB these were ALL his clothes. We had a couple of glasses of wine, he wasn't too happy with the fact that I hadn't planned a 'pudding' for him (this was after minor niggles with the dinner) then he didn't want to watch Family Guy (my guilty pleasure and I hate to miss it) so I went upstairs to watch it on the TV in the bedroom. Was this unreasonable??

I think I dozed off, he came upstairs an hour or so later shouting at me that the house was a mess and that I was wearing a jumper he doesn't like, a comfy one I wear around the house. I think he was insinuating that I wasn't dressed for sex. So I got furious but didn't shout (this is fairly usual) and came downstairs to sleep on the sofa. I got down here and found he'd folded up the ironing board roughly and left it on the table (weird place). He's always hated it when I left the ironing board up but in this case-- as I was trying to 'catch up' with laundry after going away for the weekend on his insistence-- I thought he should give me a bit of slack. Then I found some things on the floor, papers etc, that he must have just slung down there. Plus I found my muddy boots on top of my laptop. FFS I had even cleaned the kitchen before I went upstairs, all counters were cleared, it wasn't all that bad. As usual he was just finding fault with things-- I cannot argue, yes the ironing board was up and yes there was a tiny bit of clutter and yes my boots were left in the middle of the floor. But he just doesn't help. Shouldn't he be really supporting me, in a new job, plus I've not bothered him for anything over the past week? I even take the train so he can have the car, and I have come in and made dinner every night plus of course do all the cleaning, evidently not to his standards but that is ridiculous because he is really messy himself and never even picks up his clothes off the floor. But if his clothes are on the floor it is my fault because I haven't picked them up.

So, with my enhanced knowledge of how abusers work, I know this is what he is doing. And I am fairly detached (which angers him) and I just let it wash over my as much as possible but I was really upset when I saw what he had done with the ironing board. I've actually been crying about it. It was just so unnecessary. So I think he is trying to sabotage my new job, and I need to get out. But now after googling flats to rent I am really depressed, I have a cat and a dog, this house works for me. And kids are coming back from uni in a couple of weeks when term ends.

When I've spoken to WA the idea of a refuge doesn't seem to fit with me-- no point in taking a room when I could rent privately. If H was violent things would be different. If he left it would be fantastic, absolutely lovely, we have a great time when he isn't around, but he needs to be in London for work over the next few weeks so not much chance of him moving to the weekend house. Plus he doesn't like to go to that house without someone else-- I think he gets bored on his own (whereas personally I love being on my own).

I'm going to call WA today, they were organizing counselling for me but I put things on hold for the new job. My question is, WTF do I do?? I was all for the idea of moving out until I realized how many problems that thew up and how much of an adjustment that would be, with the new job as priority. And it isn't really all that affordable. I know this is a question so many have had to deal with, and why staying always seems so much easier somehow. But I need to do something. I'm thinking that I can possibly speak to a lawyer about getting an agreement drawn up where we both live her but separately until we sell the house and I can buy another one, basically try to recreate the house we have on a smaller scale for 1/2 the money.

OK-- I'm feeling more angry than sad now-- I know I have been told to LTB before but I think that this is the week when I finally need to act. Inertia is not an option. Bastard. I feel like I want to hurt him and I hate myself for that. Stupid ironing board. I know I can manage him as I've been doing, but at the cost to myself of all my self worth and sanity!

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Fri 13-Dec-13 15:13:57

Hmmm, curious! Keeping an eye on your thread (in a non-stalkery sort of way).

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Fri 13-Dec-13 13:18:50

That's good to hear. Thinking of you.

thatsnotmynamereally Fri 13-Dec-13 11:45:01

Hi, good meeting yesterday. Not totally sure but there are options. All looking interesting and will update when plan in place.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Thu 12-Dec-13 20:37:44

How did it go with sol?

cjel Thu 12-Dec-13 08:41:16

Morning, thinking of you todayx

Loggins Thu 12-Dec-13 01:04:49

I've just read your thread that's
So you weren't allowed into the drs appointment? I read that he wanted you to go with him?

You need to step out of his game, you will never be able to reason with him, you will never be able to make him see he's wrong. Never.

I hope your solicitor appointment goes well. They can issue a Non Molestation Order fairly swiftly.
Good luck x

MrsMinkBernardLundy Wed 11-Dec-13 23:56:09

Good luck for tomorrow that's

It is harder to leave than a lot of people think but I think having come so far you will find it easier that you might imagine and think of all the others who have left (when they were ready!) this year, bounty, breathe, charlotte, gettingStrong to name but a fewsmile. we know you need to be ready and I think you are right to get your ducks in a row with the sol and such as I suspect your FW will use all he can to keep what he thinks is his, so it has to be done legally...but having said all that, I do really think you are ready and your time has come...and most of all stay safe. if he puts a foot wrong, have no pity for him, call the police.

one last big push and you will be free. I hope you will be tap dancing soon wink

Lweji Wed 11-Dec-13 22:37:15

I hope you stay kicked. smile

It's good you have an appointment and have enrolled rl support. Keep it going and take action with the solicitor and getting him out of your life.

Blu Wed 11-Dec-13 22:32:57

Excellent news that you can see a solicitor.
And obviously call the police if you feel threatened!
I hope it is good having your DC home.
Bon courage !

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Wed 11-Dec-13 21:22:13

Hope sol is a good 'un!

I keep wondering: do you need an injunction or could you just change the locks? I know that is not normally legal, but as he has another house to go to, which he could work from, you're not making him homeless. Is it worth asking the solicitor? Please feel free to ignore me!

turbochildren Wed 11-Dec-13 16:53:51

yay smile the solicitor can give you solid practical advice. Good you've got rl support!

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Wed 11-Dec-13 16:41:21

flowers OP keep safe, glad you've got rl support too.

thatsnotmynamereally Wed 11-Dec-13 16:39:53

Sorry on phone. Just meant this is progress for me.

thatsnotmynamereally Wed 11-Dec-13 16:38:26

Thanks so much to everyone who's taken the time to post on here. I really appreciate the helpful comments and can ignore the unhelpful ones. I know it sounds a but whiny. but I started this thread as a kick to myself to take some action rather than just keeping it all the same. I have now got much more support in real life. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow. Plushave documentation with police and gp. I'm not planning on calling police again

fuzzywuzzy Wed 11-Dec-13 14:37:47

This state of affairs has become your norm OP.

you have enough to get an injunction and I would do that, he can live at the other house and I'd get the ball rolling for a divorce.

You don't have a slick' leaving plan or whatever you've been calling it, because you're still exactly where you were to begin with but in a very precarious position as you have now told him you want to leave.

Your children are behind you and your DD told you to leave, that should tell you something.

Don't waste emotion and time feeling sorry for him, he's just fine he knows exactly what he's doing and the buttons to press.

You have a new job and a house you can stay in with your animals. You need to get the courage up to doing it.

I'm worried he's going to get physically abusive to you as he's threatening to.

The reason nobody is taking you seriously is because you are trivialising the situation yourself, please don't keep going to the police station and telling them things and then not following thro.

I think you'd have enough right now to get legal aid. MY advice, LTB and don't look back.

turbochildren Wed 11-Dec-13 14:31:57

you're not a disgrace to me neither, not to anybody infact. It is upsetting to stay in abusive relationships, and it is upsetting to read about it. But OP is in charge of her own life. i hope you find encouragement in people willing you on but if you are still reading please don't feel you need to defend yourself to yet more people. You don't.

TheSparklyPussycat Wed 11-Dec-13 13:53:15

Let me rephrase part of mrfrancis's post

"You're an abused woman if you stay with a disgrace to menfolk."

That's why it takes time to leave.

DottyboutDots Wed 11-Dec-13 13:47:39

Oh dear god, this is so upsetting. Why stay? Why?

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Wed 11-Dec-13 13:41:55

Hi, thats. Like Mink, I'm glad to have found you and see that you're still talking and thinking it through.

I hope that your plan includes only things that you yourself can do. I'm a bit worried that you're relying on him to end the marriage at some point - but I think this is very unlikely.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 12:56:24

MrFrancis, she is not obliged to follow any advice and if you post on that basis then perhaps it's best you don't post at all. It is not for you or anyone else to impose a time scale for her, this woman who lives this life. If you feel she just wants attention then don't read this thread or contribute.

mrfrancis82 Wed 11-Dec-13 12:51:25

I'm just being straight with her as obviously gentle encouragement doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

It's almost like she wants the attention without doing anything about it.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Wed 11-Dec-13 12:33:30

She is not a disgrace to me MrFrancis. Your comment is entirely disgraceful however. Make yourself scarce please.

SeptemberFlowers Wed 11-Dec-13 12:30:12

MrFrancis Piss off - comments like that are unhelpful angry

OP We're here for you. The sooner you split the better. I'd be opting for booting him out, he has a house he can stay in - let him go there !

TheSparklyPussycat Wed 11-Dec-13 12:10:44

mrfrancis have you been in an abusive relationship? It's not that straightforward. thats you are not a disgrace to women! whatever you do.

mrfrancis82 Wed 11-Dec-13 12:07:38

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