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Pathetic, perverted and abusive excuse for a man, and I am done with him!

(78 Posts)
lulu1971 Sat 23-Nov-13 11:04:23

That sums is up really. I'm sick and tired of it all.

I don't normally post on here but last week someone posted about her partner taking naked photos without her consent and it struck a nerve. I found myself posting about my situation and since then I have thought about nothing else.

My story is long and spans the last 3 years. It involves his disgusting use of porn, his fetishes and him posting naked photos of me on a dating site and conversing with men, pretending to be me. The explicit nature of those messages was disgraceful and If I hadn't found out, purely by chance I imagine he would still be doing it.

That along with the emotional abuse and the nastiness has killed any feelings I once had for him. He talks to me like dirt, treats me like shit and I'm done with him.

I'm exhausted, fed up and feel like a fool. I really need a kick up the backside to get away. I know life would be better without him but I don't know why I can't bring myself to leave.

It doesn't help that I have 2 children from my marriage ( he had an affair after being happily together for 16 years, left me with a 4 year old and 9 month old as he realised family life wasn't what he thought it would be). I have also had a child with this poor excuse for a man.

What kind of man puts his partner on a dating site while she is busy caring for their 6 week old baby and critically ill mother who was on life support? A I said earlier in my post there is so much more to my story but I can't bring myself to write it all down.

I want out of here by the spring, just got to figure out how!

headlesslambrini Sat 23-Nov-13 11:06:58

good on you. keep the focus of doing the right thing.

small steps lead to greater journeys.

MrsUnderwood Sat 23-Nov-13 11:08:58

Call Woman's Aid.

Purple2012 Sat 23-Nov-13 11:09:47

Well done for making the decision. Contact womens aid for advice on how to get out and support yourself. They will give you a lot of good advice.

Lweji Sat 23-Nov-13 11:11:22

Good for you.

Why by the Spring?
The sooner you plan to leave him, the highest the chance of you doing it. The Spring is a long way away and it lasts 3 months.

lulu1971 Sat 23-Nov-13 11:12:49

Thank you. I just don't know why I've not left sooner and why I feel like I am dithering over this. Why I continue he to put up with this and why I am accepting that this is my lot in life.

Finola1step Sat 23-Nov-13 11:15:24

This is not your lot in life.

Why can't you tell him to leave? Today?

NightOfTheCactus Sat 23-Nov-13 11:17:31

So sorry to read this story Lulu - it sounds horrific. What this man is doing is most definitely abusive and dehumanising. It sounds as though he is treating you as a possession, not as a human being sad. You sound very angry (no shit sherlock...) so use the energy from that to get yourself out of this situation (I say that because I know how emotional abuse can wreck your energy and the self esteem to put effort into yourself). As others have said, Women's Aid is a good place to start for getting advice on what to do now. Good luck

LEMisafucker Sat 23-Nov-13 11:18:34

From now on, it gets better - get all the practical advice you can on here about leaving this wanker and leave him to his perversions, sick fuck probably has your panties hidden somewhere too - ewwwww. You do not want that around your children, they, and you deserve better. Good luck - this is a heartening post, so many strong women out there and you are one of them x

Mosschops30 Sat 23-Nov-13 11:20:36

Don't wait til spring, call women's aid and get out today, take your dcs and take that step on the road to the rest of your life.
You can do it, it will be hard, you will cry, rage, wonder if you could've made it work and every emotion you can think of.

Good luck I wish you lots of love and hand holding and un-MN kisses xxxxx

NightOfTheCactus Sat 23-Nov-13 11:24:24

It sounds like the men in the last 2 significant relationships in your life have done a real number on your self-esteem.

If you are in a relationship where you are constantly being crushed, put down, made to feel worthless it is so easy to start to believe those messages, even if you are not conscious of taking them on board.

That on top of the fact that you are putting most of your efforts into caring for others at the moment.

On top of getting the advice to get out (or even better, get HIM out!!) it sounds like you could do with taking steps to build up your own self-esteem so you can truly begin to believe that you do not deserve this shit - even if it is something silly like doing something small that you enjoy every day - something that builds your sense of self-worth and personal identity (something that must have been taking a real bashing since you were reduced by this horrible man to the status of a "thing")

None of this is your fault. You are worthy of MUCH better in life than this. I'm just so sorry that you have been treated so badly.

tracypenisbeaker Sat 23-Nov-13 11:31:33

I'm glad you had the courage to start this thread lulu, I was on the thread re the lady whos OH was taking photos without her consent too. You have my backing all the way. Do you have a plan of action to begin with?

lulu1971 Sat 23-Nov-13 11:50:37

Thank you for your replies. Fortunately when I found out about the dating site stuff I told my health visitor. My mum was critically ill, I'd had a rough labour with my ds and was quite poorly myself, I had the other children to look after and I just needed to confide in someone. Since then I have had periodic contact with my health visitor and she has built a file on all the incidences that have taken place. Just as well really as he has threatened to have my dc taken off me if I leave. She has suggested I do the freedom programme, but I just don't feel ready for that yet.

I can't kick him out as we are in his house. I will need to give tenants notice on my house plus seek full time work. I work part time at the moment. I also need to stash some money away.

His parents are aware of his actions over the last 3 years of which I only became truly aware of just as I found out I was expecting a baby. They started off as being supportive but he's managed to do a number on them and now I am the devil woman in their eyes. Their attitude, as good Christian people, is disgusting and it's no wonder they have a son like they've got.

Her answer to it all was to contact my mum and rant at her saying that I was a dreadful mother and that her sons antics are just what boys do these days and if I don't get over it we will never move on.

He and his parents have virtually taken over our ds. I had no say in his christening, his play group and they even started him at a toddler group without telling me. I found out some months later.

My elder 2 are both good kids. They've had strict boundaries from the start and I was adamant that I would not be a soft touch parent due to the guilt I felt about my marriage ending and their little lives being disrupted. I can take them anywhere, they work hard at school and I am immensely proud of them both. I adore them!

My youngest ds that I had with him is turning into a little monster. He has no boundaries, can do what he likes and there is never a consequence. If I try to intervene or deal with his bad behaviour, I get side lined, or worse yelled at. He started on me in a restaurant a couple of weeks ago because our ds, who he refuses to put in a high chair, was causing a nuisance in a busy restaurant. He was running up and down, jumping on the floor so all the glasses and cutlery were shaking. I said to him that we needed to do something about it and that if he couldn't behave he would have to go in a high chair as it wasn't fair on the other diners. Instead of agreeing with me, he had a massive go at me, so bad that I walked out! I then copped a whole load of verbal abuse for the rest of the day.

He has said he will want shared custody, so that dis lives with him for 7 days and then me for 7 days. If that were to happen our lives would be a living misery.

Tracy, thanks for your supportive words. I don't know where the OP from the post you are referring out went. I hope I didn't scare her off!

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 11:58:18

On reading your first post, my thoughts were along the lines of a calculated, organised, revengeful escape. Reading your new post just now, I think you need to leave soon for yours and your children's sake. How about taking the step of enrolling on that Freedom Programme?

lulu1971 Sat 23-Nov-13 12:02:30

Oh and his pathetic punishments are a joke! The most recent being that he has blocked me on face book and changed his status to single. Like I give a shit. And apparently until I apologise to his parents for all the lies I've told and the trouble I've caused it will stay that way. He'll will freeze over before that happens. If anything I will photocopy the tonne of screen prints of his filth and dump it on their doorstep.

A couple of weeks ago I was really poorly and the doctor gave me some antibiotics and some sleeping pills. I was so looking forward to a decent nights sleep. I took one and within 15 minutes I was asleep, bliss. About 2 in the morning I could feel something poking my thigh, I thought I was dreaming but it soon became apparent that It was actually happening. I asked him what he was doing and he simply asked if I would get up and turn the TV off. The remote was next to him all along. What a bastard!

Everyone thinks he is a great bloke though. Decent, loyal blah, blah, blah!

I am getting angry now and it feels so good to get this all down here. Thank you for reading my ramblings x

tummybummer Sat 23-Nov-13 20:41:38

He's extremely abusive and you need to get out now. What about going to your parents? Contact women's aid, you are probably entitled to more help than you think.

And why DON'T you photocopy all the stuff and send it to his parents? Seriously, do it!

Finally, you need to get a grip on your youngest DS. If my inlaws enrolled my child in a toddler group I'd un-enrol him sharpish and tell them to go fuck themselves. Step up as a mother and take charge of your child. Rest assured that your idiot partner will never EVER get that sort of custody agreement. No freaking way. He's deluded.

confusedwwyd Sat 23-Nov-13 20:52:23

Id consult a solicitor and contact women's aid for advice. Don't let on that you're planning to leave. Good luck op.

FunnyRunner Sat 23-Nov-13 20:58:21

He sounds quite mad. It would be better for you to prepare to move asap. Have you any family you could stay with while your notice period for tenant moves? You would be able to get some kind of benefits until you can up your work hours - the good thing is that because you are in work you will probably find it easier to get a FT job.

I would be looking to limit contact with your DS as much as possible when you go. It might be worth speaking to your HV about his behaviour - she may be able to write a statement about it for solicitor. And as Tummy says the week on week off thing is madness and is never going to happen.

I am still shock about the poking you awake thing.

Lweji Sat 23-Nov-13 22:29:56

If you have evidence, you could should report it to the police. I'm sure what he did with your photos is not legal. Talk to the dv unit and get legal help asap. You may find that you can kick him out now.

lulu1971 Sat 23-Nov-13 22:30:18

Thanks for your replies. The massive problem I have is that I have to work, ex husband left me in debt and I have to support the 2 elder dc and pay a mortgage. Currently mother in law has ds3 so I can work. I know that when I leave her precious ds that will all stop, so what then. I can't afford child care and my mother has been so ill I couldn't possibly put a 2 year old in her care for 40 hours a week. I am an only child so I have no siblings to help out.

The bastard is self employed and strangely this year his declared income to the tax man has dramatically reduced so CSA will be minimal. Rather odd considering he spends money like it's going out of fashion.

I'm really stuck and don't know what to do for the best. It's horrible here tonight. Because of the way I feel about him and his behaviour I am finding it increasingly difficult to be civil and we just keep sniping at each other. So I've come to bed and left him to do whatever it is he does!

I hate the man. He promised me the world, marriage, loyalty friendship and security. He's delivered fuck all. I even cancelled our wedding when I was 4 months pregnant when I discovered what he was doing and he has the cheek to call me a nightmare. I've given him everything he wanted in life, family and children.

He even said to me one night not so long ago that I could have a nice life with him. I replied that if I agreed with everything he did, let him do what he liked and never questioned him I'm sure I would have a good life with him. He smiled and said that's right!

He's spent a fortune this weekend on Xmas presents for our ds. I can't afford to do the same for the other 2. He just thinks I should put it all on the credit card. He doesn't agree that we should set a budget for all of them, put half in each and spend the same on each of them. Bastard!

lulu1971 Sat 23-Nov-13 22:32:01

Lweji, I can't kick him out it's his house and yes I have evidence of it all, locked away somewhere safe. He doesn't know this yet and I plan to keep it that way at the moment.

TheCrackFox Sat 23-Nov-13 22:49:57

You might be entitled to WTC to pay for your youngest's childcare and you need to look into it.

You have been through so much but you have to leave him for any chance of happiness.

Take care, you and your DCs deserve so much more.

(Were the photos taken with your consent, if not report him to the police)

Lweji Sat 23-Nov-13 22:53:50

I know it's his house, but have you actually had legal advice regarding the house? It's your family home, and if he's been abusive, he may be forced out, even though it is his, at least until you can find proper accommodation. Do not assume anything. Seek advice from all angles first.

Lweji Sat 23-Nov-13 23:01:45

I assume you don't have your finances linked.
He may well be accruing debt or hiding it away.

lulu1971 Sat 23-Nov-13 23:10:31

Thankfully our finances are not linked at all. He pays the bills and I buy all the food. Loaded mummy and daddy gave him a house so there is no mortgage.

He's definitely up to something with his money because his spending and earnings that I know of don't match.

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