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DH cheated and we're in a right mess, could use some advice

(65 Posts)
sima123 Fri 22-Nov-13 14:24:53


I've been lurking a while but this is the first time I've decided to post. DH had an affair that lasted about 6 months. It's really a 'classic' thing with a much younger woman that works with him. I had suspicions that something was going on, I noticed that he was acting somewhat distant. I trusted him and told him that if he ever wanted to talk about what was bothering him, I'd always be there. Well, he didn't talk to me or confess. Instead, I found out accidentally one day when she sent him photos of herself by text. This was several weeks ago and things have been getting more and more complicated. We've talked about it endlessly, he told me the whole story (or rather his side of it). Again, it's the classic story - she meant nothing, she came onto him and he was weak, etc etc. I honestly don't know what to believe. I've always trusted him, perhaps too much. Anyway, we have 2 young daughters and have decided to try and work things out, but it isn't going well at all.

The first huge problem is that the OW still works with him! He has a very good, well paying job and it doesn't make sense for him to quit. Obviously, he can't make her leave the job, so we're stuck. I've lost trust in him and just can't feel comfortable knowing that he's around her everyday. I can't make him leave his job either and I really don't know what to do. If we could solve this, we'd have a much better chance of moving forward.

Then, I went and did something stupid, which complicated things even more. I have a male co-worker that I've known for a very long time. He used to be friends with my husband and myself when we were younger (I introduced them and invited him out with us). Well, DH didn't like him, felt that he was acting inappropriate towards me (I never noticed this). DH was never jealous before, so I took it seriously and made some distance with this man.

Anyway, after I find out about the affair, I confided in this man. It was incredibly stupid, especially since I haven't told anybody else (friends or family) about it. He drove me home from work one day and DH was suspicious, thought that something might have happened between us (it hasn't) but I told DH about how I confided in the man about his affair and he was obviously very angry.

I still see this man everyday at work, husband sees OW everyday too...we can't communicate with each other, I don't even know where to begin!

livingmydream612 Mon 25-Nov-13 23:50:05

I think your dh has no right to be angry with you and he should be doing his best right now to show u how sorry he is for his disgusting behavior. I am sorry he cheated on u and your family op. Well done for trying to keep the marriage going. If it was me I would have LTB.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 25-Nov-13 10:32:44

He needs to move out and you need some space to think and decide what you want.
You can't live like this for the next 5+ weeks.
You'll go insane - honestly!
Pack him a bag and tell him to go while you think things through.
And for him to bring up your friend again is just feckin' unreal.
Tell him to go fuck himself if he ever mentions that again.
Time for you and space for you, first and foremost! And he needs to understand and respect that.
If he starts kicking off then he really has NO respect for you at all.

SummerPlum Mon 25-Nov-13 10:15:11

Wow. She enticed him?


He doesn't have a very high opinion of your intelligence, does he?

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that all of his actions so far indicate that he views you with contempt.

Time to get angry, OP.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Mon 25-Nov-13 09:51:12

No can be enticed if they really dont wanna be, he was thinking cheap fuck, wont hurt the missus.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 25-Nov-13 09:43:46

She enticed him back? hmm Honestly, I think they all go to the same night-school class entitled 'How to Shift the Blame for your Shitty Behaviour onto Anyone but Yourself'. The woman's an enticing harpie, you're made to feel guilty, the co-worker has an ulterior motive (which he may have but so what?) . He then goes for the old 'I was weak', 'It meant nothing'.... you can't respect anyone with that kind of unoriginality.

MadBusLady Mon 25-Nov-13 09:10:40

I am trying very hard not to think this way, but I can't help it. I keep wondering if I did something wrong or if our relationship was lacking something that made him do this.

Nobody "made" him do this except him. If he had a problem with your relationship, he had reasonable choices - talk to you about the problem, or end the relationship. He chose neither.

I don't think there will be any long-term benefit to you in trying to batten down your natural responses, even if they do feel a bit alarming to you now. I think they need to be worked through. If you eventually decide he has permanently killed your respect and love, that will be entirely his own fault.

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 23:09:44

WantedAboutTheMincePies - thank you for the recommendations, I will look for these smile

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 23:02:33

* Twinklestein*
You're right, it does.
I saw a lot of the exchanges they had via text and it's all so explicit and just ridiculous really. He has never talked to me that way. I really can't look at him the same way anymore. I had so much respect for him and suddenly I feel like i'm dealing with a hormonal teenager

Twinklestein Sun 24-Nov-13 22:56:16

I've no idea why he think that sharing his lame attempts to 'end' (if that's even true) it was a good idea, if anything that just makes him sound weaker...

ITCouldBeWorse Sun 24-Nov-13 22:53:57

I think you may have confided in your colleague because the opportunity was there, or it may have been because you want To talk to a man you believe to have some ethics and decency, in the hope of not being disillusioned with all men.

Your husband is a git. Have you sti check? Has he?

He really should jump through hoops to get you to even consider giving him another chance.

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 22:52:29

I don't know. I've never dealt with this before. This affair is such a shock and I have no idea what to think or believe right now. He says it's over so for now I'm trying to believe that, but for all I know he could still be lying to me.

I didn't tell him to end the affair. I just saw the message she sent him. I wasn't even snooping through his phone, it was just buzzing non-stop and annoying me, which is why I looked at his messages in the first place. I've met this woman, so when I saw her pictures, I knew that this was real and I confronted him about it. He admitted everything right away and told me he would break things off with her right away, then the next day he came home and claimed that he did.

There is one thing, I don't know if it should give me confidence or not. He claims that he ended the affair several times during the time they were seeing each other. Then she would always do something, like sending him the types of photos I saw, to "entice" him and get him back. He showed me some of their messages as "proof" of this. But if he has ended it previously and still went back for more, what's to say he won't do it this time? He says he won't but that doesn't mean too much to me right now.

Twinklestein Sun 24-Nov-13 22:47:58

At least you have only confided in this guy not had sex with him!

It's a fairly crap diversionary tactic, I guess your husband is now paranoid about losing you... but he should have thought of that before.

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 22:44:07

Yep, you're right, it's just an excuse for him to shift blame. At first, he was begging me to stay and over the weeks, he has been making a lot of promises, saying that he will do whatever it takes to fix this, promising to solve the work situation, but they are just words. No matter what he says, it can't change what he did.

The day the friend drove me home, I obviously came home much later than I usually do. My phone's battery also died (part of the reason I ended up being with this man in the first place) and H was worried, called several times, left messages and so on. Then, this friend drove me home and H saw him. So when I came in, he started asking what happened, at first I just didn't respond so he started with his accusations. I have nothing to hide so I told him exactly what happened and then he was just angry. It didn't last long, but he brought it up again today, which is just ridiculous. He is not encouraging me to talk to somebody about it, my family, whoever, if it would make me feel better...I can see that he is making an effort, but I don't really care, that's the worst thing.

ImperialBlether Sun 24-Nov-13 22:43:45

OK, if you were confiding in this other man that your husband had erectile difficulties, then yes, you would be unreasonable.

However, when the fact your husband has had an affair with someone else is preying on your mind, at some point you tell someone else, or else you will explode. That could be an old lady on a bus or the Samaritans or, as in your case, someone you work with who you know is kind to you.

FWIW I didn't find with my ex husband that I could tell him to end his affairs. I mean I did tell him and he said all the right things, but in the end an affair isn't over until one of the party wants it to be over. I found that out the hard way. It might be something for you to think about. Is it likely your husband and the OW would stop something like this just because you told them to?

Fairenuff Sun 24-Nov-13 21:59:06

You can talk to who you want to. If he doesn't like it, tough shit.

As long as he continues to minimise what he did and try to shift blame to you, you cannot work on this relationship. He is not ready for that.

I would tell him to move out to give you some time and space. Also, tell him to let you know when he has changed jobs and then you might be ready to talk with him some more.

Until then, it's just words.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 24-Nov-13 21:45:14

"He's just mad that, out of all the people I could have talked to, I chose this man that he dislikes so much."

Sorry sunshine, you don't get a say in whom I confide in about the fucking outrageously shitty way you have treated me.

There's your response.

Seriously, he should be BEGGING you to fucking take him back, not telling you what to do and with whom.

antimatter Sun 24-Nov-13 21:41:24

I remember it took me over 3 months to confide in anyone.
I wish I was able to do it sooner....

Try to talk to someone in person. Talking about it is going to make you feel better and move on.

Whether you want to stay with him or not - you have to decide and it may take quite some time! I think the sooner you won't see his face day in day out the easier it will be on you.

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 21:26:18

Honestly, I really can't stand being near him anymore. I'm worried that when I do leave in a few weeks, I won't want to come back to him again.

This is so confusing, I've been through so many emotions in the past few weeks, starting with complete shock, anger, and now just sadness. Maybe I should have seen this coming, but he really was the love of my life and I trusted him so now to think about what he's done and how our lives could change is surreal.

I am trying very hard not to think this way, but I can't help it. I keep wondering if I did something wrong or if our relationship was lacking something that made him do this.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 24-Nov-13 19:03:39

Oh I'm sorry sima, but how dare he?

I can kind of get why he is making a big deal - he knows he looks like a prick to this colleague- he probably does fear that you will go off with him out of revenge - it makes him feel better if you are cheating like he was.

However, he is so far out of order it is awful. Don't stand for it.

I wouldn't have him anywhere near me especially while he still spends everyday with her.

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 18:54:33

You're completely right. The worst thing is that I've now started feeling guilty and questioning myself about why I ended up confiding in this particular man. But I should not be the one feeling guilty! Although, maybe it's just so that I don't spend time thinking about all the other things bothering me sad

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 24-Nov-13 18:45:02

For six months, he was fucking And emotionally connecting with another woman.

For one or two hours you confided about this to another man.

And he thinks you've done something wrong? He is a complete twat, sorry.

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 18:34:18

Thank you so much for all your adivce, I've read and thought about all the things posted here and I think I made a little progress this weekend with 'D'H (it's hard even thinking of him as "dear" at this point).

I made a few things very clear to him. I explained that, even though we agreed to try to move past this, I'm not sure anymore if I can and that I need some space to figure it out. I also told him that he absolutely cannot work with her anymore, that is really the first thing he has to do if we have any chance. I can't stand the idea of him seeing her everyday and I don't think that's unreasonable at all. He agreed to do whatever he can to transfer to a different position, but I really don't think I'll be okay until it actually happens.

I'm also going back home to see my family with DDs right after Christmas, so we'll see what happens...

We also got onto the topic of my coworker. I still can't believe that he's trying to make me feel guilty about this! You know I explained how he can't shift his guilt onto me because I didn't do anything. He's just mad that, out of all the people I could have talked to, I chose this man that he dislikes so much. I didn't really seek him out to confide in him, it was just out of circumstance. Then DH is mad because this coworker also happens to be divorced and he thinks he has ulterior motives, etc. It's such nonsense really but I do feel bad about getting close to this man and it's really not right!!

Jan45 Fri 22-Nov-13 16:18:56

Poor you, he shits all over you and then has the audacity to one, assume you have no morals like him and two, you would act on them. Sorry but he has no say in who you talk to, where you go and what you do - he lost all rights when he got into bed with another woman.

The only way back from this is a massive effort from him, not you - he has to do all the work, it doesn't even sound as though there has been any consequences for his actions, not good, gives the green light whatever the circumstances.

The fact it was purely sexual would worry me, what I mean is, he acted purely on lust, nothing else.

Tell your friends, get lots of support, you shouldn't have to keep his dirty secret, it needs to come out, esp if he's to face any kind of consequence.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 22-Nov-13 16:17:34

A visit home next month with your DDs might help you have time away to reflect on all that's happened. He seems to be coasting on as though everything is back to normal.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 22-Nov-13 16:10:46

Bless you - it's horrible - I know.
I still feel sad 4+ years on when I think of what he put me through and how it made me feel.
Like you, I didn't tell anyone at first and I went through it all on my own.
So my one solid, experienced piece of advice is to make sure you get some good RL support.
Once I started telling people (once I'd decided it couldn't work) it felt like a weight was lifted.
My family and friends were my saviours.
Don't suffer this in silence. I spent hours and hours and days and weeks just curled up in a ball crying all on my own.
Don't let that be you!

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