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21 years. Gone - like my wedding rings.

(20 Posts)
YellowTulips Thu 21-Nov-13 23:39:40

So this is not me.

Am a regular and no name change.

Someone I know is in this situation and needs help.

Classic has left for a "friend" after 21 years. The real OP has discovered her Mum has cancer.

Her DH has cancelled all payments and financial support.

I advised her to come here and I think she will when see sees the support she will get to this post.

MN - she needs practical advice. She has had to sell her rings to meet the bills...

LineRunner Fri 22-Nov-13 00:00:52

First thing - yes, your friend will definitely get help and support on here.

Second - has she found a solicitor yet? It is crucial.

You are a lovely friend and perhaps you can also tell her that there is a lot of support on here for people who have close relatives with a cancer diagnosis. Sadly it is still so prevalent and such a bastard disease.

purplewithred Fri 22-Nov-13 00:03:48

What has happened so far? Is she still in family home? Got kids? Equity in the house? Contacted bank and building society?

CookieDoughKid Fri 22-Nov-13 00:04:15

I'm very sorry to hear. The real OP needs to collect all the paperwork she can get her hands on like pensions etc. Get cracking on a solicitor. And come here for support.

We are here.

YellowTulips Fri 22-Nov-13 00:55:18

Thank you.

I have texted her with the thread.

I hope posts as above will give her confidence to post.

LineRunner Fri 22-Nov-13 01:00:38

That's good, YellowTulips. Your friend could start her own thread or threads, or post on this one.

She would be very welcome.

YellowTulips Fri 22-Nov-13 01:03:56

I have told her to get a solicitor.

She is dealing with her mothers cancer and hence him leaving is just "on hold".

He provides no financial support.

The question is what financial support can she expect now? He has left and with OW and cancelled every family payment.

She has pawned her wedding rings for food for the kids?

What practical advice?

LineRunner Fri 22-Nov-13 01:17:26

If there at least one child in education under 18, then immediate CSA claim. She can phone today.

As a single parent, and assuming she isn't earning major money, she can also phone through a tax credits claim to HMRC.

She will also get Child Benefit in her name.

And the solicitor will negotiate around the arrangements and assets.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 04:40:45

On an immediate level, if his name is on anything like rent, mortgage, utility bills etc he is still liable to pay whether he's cancelled DDs or not. She should contact any relevant parties and explain the situation so that they pursue him for the money rather than her. She should also contact any banks and make it so that he can't spend any joint account money. For immediate expenses she should start making claims for benefits and the is a very useful resource if she doesn't know where to start. There are no crisis loans any more but councils have some funds to help people in severe short-term difficulties. Does she receive CB or tax credits and do they go into a personal bank account?

Legal advice is vital. CAB is a good resource for legal and benefit matters, so an appointment there could but she really needs a solicitor. The Law Society website can point her in the direction of a family law specialist. Some solicitors dom't charge for the initial consultation.

Sorry she's in this situation. What a shit he turned out to be.

Hissy Fri 22-Nov-13 07:14:56

So sorry she's going through this, but she really has to secure herself as much as possible. The financial side of things is something that can go dramatically wrong reasonably quickly.

She needs to get legal advice and someone on the case to force him to fulfil his obligations and responsibilities.

What a truly horrid little man.

AuntieStella Fri 22-Nov-13 07:16:44

Search for olgaga posts about sources of practical and administrative help.

AuntieStella Fri 22-Nov-13 07:18:33

This thread has the post I mean.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Nov-13 07:46:05

So sorry for your friend. She must look into what help she's entitled to- immediately. Tax credits, council tax discount, childcare tax credits if childcare etc etc.

She's lucky to have a caring friend like you to support her. MN is also a tower of strength in these situations...

YellowTulips Fri 22-Nov-13 13:14:44

Thanks all for the responses. Very much appreciated!

LifeMovesOn Fri 22-Nov-13 17:08:24

I had to sell my rings to make ends meet when my ex-DH left. I feel empowered by it now - I didn't want them, nor did my daughter (although I did keep the diamond he gave me, that's insurance in case).

Please get her to talk to the benefits people, there is help out there.

This is just so much for her to have to deal with - end of marriage, her mother. It's so unfair.

I hope she comes on here.

Good luck to her.

SpringyReframed Fri 22-Nov-13 18:00:50

I was in this situation 2 years ago and also sold my rings. My Dad had also recently had a cancer diagnosis and I didnt tell him or Mum for months because I knew he would be so distressed. Your friend can apply for an interim maintenance order once she gets a solicitor.

Tell her good luck. She is lucky to have you.

My Dad is still with us and I am happy without my Ex with ok finances so it does work out.

YellowTulips Fri 22-Nov-13 18:45:47

Thanks again to all who posted. She has said she will have a look on MN later tonight so hopefully all your kind responses and practical ideas will help and support her even if she feels unable to post. thanks

NorthernLurker Fri 22-Nov-13 18:49:57

What kind of contempt worthy little shit leaves his wife with no money for food for his children? I know that's not much practical help OP - but tell your mate that long term she's got the better end of the deal. She's out of this situation and WILL build a new life. The OW is stuck with an utter bastard and the ex himself will never able to escape from the knowledge that this is how he behaved.

YellowTulips Fri 22-Nov-13 18:57:35

I agree Northern angry

The situation is really worse than described but I am wary of posting too much personal information about someone else.

If she comes on and wants to give more detail then that needs to be her decision, but yes - he has behaved (and continues to do so) appallingly; especially in light of her mothers diagnosis.

skyeskyeskye Fri 22-Nov-13 23:08:37

I hope she does post on here for help. It sounds like she is in a terrible situation. She obviously has a good friend in you. thanks

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