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Just found out I was the other woman

(25 Posts)
flippinghell Thu 21-Nov-13 19:43:57

I had an on-off relationship with this guy for over 2 years.

It was great. But then pretty bloody rubbish a lot of the time too. Eventually I broke it off a couple of months back.

But I've just found out he had a girlfriend the whole time!

I can't actually say I'm surprised and it makes an awful lot of sense. I sort of knew deep down.

But I'm still in shock to have it confirmed. Has anyone else been through this? Can you tell me how you dealt with it? It's just the deceit, the lies

bochead Thu 21-Nov-13 20:43:05

It's Ok to grieve for a while.

In fact you have more right than most, due to the deceit. Hollow is how you'll feel after a while and unsure of your own judgement of people. You are allowed to hate him for knocking your confidence in yourself for this.

You are not allowed to become cynical about ALL men, or else you'll have let the barsteward beat you long term. Never forget the best revenge is a life well lived.

It's also OK to rant, rave, go out with the girls on a drunken night out, watch the True Blood box set and eat TONS of ice cream.

What's not OK is to take him back at any point - even IF he splits up with the girlfriend. You are worth far more than he'd be able to offer ANY woman.

flippinghell Thu 21-Nov-13 20:56:56

Thank you bochead for your kind words.

No chance of taking him back. It has been over for some time and he was an idiot, regardless of the fact he was with someone else.

Still I guess just need time to wrap my head around the fact that was all going on too. It's such a weird feeling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 04:25:17

Why are you the OW and not her?

flippinghell Fri 22-Nov-13 09:04:04

Because he was sort of living with her. Ugh, what a mess.

FitnessAngel Fri 22-Nov-13 09:12:28

Just think...the one he lives with will be wondering forever where he is going and who with and whether he is telling the truth. As would you if you EVER took him back. Be thankfull that you have found out now and that you have loved and lost leaving you fee and open for the right one, whenever that may be. You are one lucky woman to be in this place right now. smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 09:16:37

Did you never visit him at his place?

flippinghell Fri 22-Nov-13 09:34:52

Nah it was v casual, mostly by text, he didnt live near me.

It was pretty bloody obvious really, which is why it never transpired into anything serious.

But still he told so many fibs!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 09:42:56

So you were a booty call thing... it happens. Yes, it sounds rather obvious with hindsight. Newsflash... people will lie if they can get a shag out of it. smile How you deal with it is to learn from the experience, dab antiseptic on the parts of you that have had the corners knocked off... and be a bit more questioning of who you let into your life and your bed .

PoppyInTheFog Fri 22-Nov-13 09:49:51

I think I was an unknown ow at the beginning of the relationship I had with my ex. I had no idea at the time, looking back after he cheated on me, I put pieces together, the phone calls he was taking infront of me from his ex of six months etc. I think he had just broken up with her two months into our relationship and told me they split six months before we got together.

Just be grateful you didn't waste any more of your life on someone like that, selfish, deluded, heartless liars and gaslighters can be very damaging people they are best avoided, be that a partner or a friend. I avoid anyone who cheats on their partner as they have to show the aforementioned traits to cheat.

flippinghell Fri 22-Nov-13 09:59:43

God i feel so stupid. Underneath i had a very good idea but still let him carrying on contacting at times. He was pretty relentless.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 10:06:41

You're not stupid really. You were presumably happy with the arrangement and chose to ignore any misgivings. Everyone gets lonely and makes poor decisions from time to time. Best not to wallow in past mistakes but learn from them and move on.

HandragsNGladbags Fri 22-Nov-13 10:09:26

It took me years after the event to realise I was the OW. And he was an idiot. God only knows how there were two of us stupid enough to go out with him.

Just be more aware in future, and if you did have a gut feeling then if it happens again remember you are better than a second choice for someone.

IndiansInTheFuckerLobby Fri 22-Nov-13 10:14:55

I've been in similar. Twice! I'm now pretty cynical of men to be honest.

flippinghell Fri 22-Nov-13 11:12:10

Thank you all, it's good to chat it over. I'm sure he will be back soon, he hates being out of contact. He was quite addicted to the contact, i think.

I wonder about her and how she prob knows nothing. I won't let her know.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 11:24:05

But he's not to know that you'd never tell his girlfriend what a sleaze-ball he is ... smile I'd make him suffer a little.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 22-Nov-13 11:28:38

Don't let him crawl back.

flippinghell Fri 22-Nov-13 12:46:52

I won't. Good point cogsmile

fallon8 Fri 22-Nov-13 18:46:18

Deep down, you knew,,you didn't want to acknowledge are not stupid...all the signs were there..

Lambzig Fri 22-Nov-13 19:50:46

I was the OW for an ex of mine without knowing at all. We dated, he stayed at mine usually, but that was at my request, I went to his place a few times. First I knew was when I opened some official looking post over breakfast one morning when he was there and found I had been named as OW in his divorce.

I genuinely didn't know, although with hindsight there probably were clues. Don't beat yourself up about it and just be grateful you aren't his girlfriend.

For me, it did make me much much more cautious when I met someone else (my now DH), but don't let it make you bitter.

flippinghell Fri 22-Nov-13 20:40:22

Omg Lambzig that must have been a shock. shock

I'm not sure I knew either. I definitely suspected. But I wasn't sure at all that he really was. Suppose I put it down to a slightly quirky lifestyle ;-)

Ah well, yes trying not to beat myself up.

Off men for a while though!

maleview70 Fri 22-Nov-13 21:51:05

Men lying to get women in bed has been happening since Adam was a lad unfortunately.

You are not the first and you won't be the last!

Dust off and get back out is too short to worry about shit like this!

flippinghell Sat 23-Nov-13 09:20:06

I can't though, male view. I feel like I was lied to over quite a long period of time. I don't know how you process that. I just can't shrug that off and get back out there.

worley Sat 23-Nov-13 09:37:00

It's the deceit that is hard to get your head around really. The lies and realising that nothing was real.. sad
It's hard op I know

flippinghell Sun 24-Nov-13 18:20:10

That's right worley, it is just discovering that it's not what you thought.

I was doing ok. He really is a a numpty. So I don't know why but it has set me back. I didn't want to be with him anymore so I'm a bit confused that's it put me in a spin.

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