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Non-existent sex drive and how to cope

(20 Posts)
ladyravenheart Thu 21-Nov-13 14:08:18

Hi all and thank you for having me here.

I'm in a bit of a state at the moment, so please forgive me for jumping right in without reading much, as yet.

My BF has high bp (currently 150/110) and is on meds which have absolutely killed his sex drive. He is very aware of this, however he recently saw a GP who is much more worried about his BP than the low sex drive and essentially said its something we have to live with until his BP has been sorted out.

Problem is that this has been ongoing for almost a year already. Forgive me if I sound a little selfish - but I was rather shocked at the GP's advice. I honestly thought that he'd be a little more helpful and give some good advice to help cope with the situation.

I have pretty much accepted that there will be no bedroom action until the problem is suitably addressed, but fear that it has already reached a point where a lot of the simple affection in our relationship has gone AWOL and is starting to affect me now as well.

He is aware of this (I think), but seems to think it doesn't affect me as much a it does. When I suggested we chat about the GP's "advice" my BF didn't think there was anything to chat about!

Right now, I'm feeling very insecure and am worried that my insecurity may be misinterpreted by BF as something it is not.

I understand that he may be shying away from giving affection because he is worried it may lead to something he just honestly has no desire for (he has no problem with being able to perform the physical act) ... and am trying to find a way to broach the subject tactfully.

He is an extremely handsome, sexy and amazing man and it kills me that he is not himself.

We were always so good together and this seems to be driving us apart :-(

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Nov-13 14:28:52

Were you actually at the consultation where the GP said fixing the hypertension was more important than enabling your BF to enjoy a normal sex-life?

cindyrella Thu 21-Nov-13 14:33:06

Well i would personally throw tact out the window. Tell him that u want to put it out in the open you dont want (!) sex while it would affect his health. That it doednt bother you (!) because his health comes first but that you need lots of cuddles because you love him & still want to feel close to him.

Just get it out there! Take the pressure off.

Twinklestein Thu 21-Nov-13 14:56:56

Did your GP advise lifestyle changes such as diet, exercise & stress management etc to help bring his blood pressure down?

I agree with cindy that you could ask your bf that you'd like cuddles & affection that don't lead to sex.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Nov-13 15:04:23

BTW... BP meds usually have more impact on the mechanics of sex in men i.e. erectile function and blood flow, than they do on desire. Desire, after all, is a mental thing.

Joysmum Thu 21-Nov-13 15:12:33

Reading this, it struck me that it's the lack of day to day affection that your struggling with, not the sex

So, chat with your boyfriend and tell him you should both rediscover affection and little thoughtful actions to show you're thinking about making each other happy, running a bubble bath and sending your partner up with a cupper or glass of wine. Make it all about doing little things to brighten each other's day and forget about the sex. You'll soon feel so much closer if you regain the small demonstrations of love and trying to please each other like that. Sex will be more likely if you are closely bonded like this, less likely if not.

LadyRavenHeart Fri 22-Nov-13 08:06:23

Thanks for your response. No I wasn't at the actual consultation, but don't have reason to doubt what was relayed to me, as this has been said by a past GP as well. They did discussion various options, but due to his health Testosterone therapy is a no-go and so are various other meds options.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 08:10:07

Then I agree with others that sex is only one expression of affection and that shouldn't preclude him from being physically close to you. I asked about the consultation because he seems to be looking for excuses to avoid having to be affectionate and he could be attributing statements to the GP that make those excuses sound more convincing.

LadyRavenHeart Fri 22-Nov-13 08:25:37

I have thought about throwing tact out the window ... and am going to try and broach the subject this weekend when the kiddos are away and we have some quiet time.

GP did suggest some changes in lifestyle, exercise etc, but our options are very limited due to financial and other constraints at the moment. We are doing our best however to eat more healthily and so on. Unfortunately BF tends to "self-medicate" with alcohol tho - and when I try to broach that subject is quite defensive, but is very aware that it does play a big role.

Yes - I know that meds usually have a bigger impact on the mechanics of sex rather than the desire side, but in this case, one of the meds does also have horrible side effects - anxiousness, muscle cramping, cough, throat irritation, to name a few - but is one of the few meds which have helped a little. He has been on numerous different meds the last 8 months or so.

A few months ago, he sat me down and told me what was going on and how he was feeling. He was in tears and really poured out his heart to me. He is genuinely devastated that he has lost all desire ... he says I deserve better and at the time even suggested that if I couldn't deal with it, he would understand.

On the upside - Last night I ran him a bath and made him sarmies and tea to have his meds with and we chatted for a bit about arbitrary stuff. That was really great. I also gave him a foot massage and that knocked him out completely. Within moments he was sleeping like a baby, which is great because he tends to be very "jumpy" and talks/shouts a lot in his sleep and is very restless.

I also seem to have picked up BF's bronchitis and spent most of the night coughing - and this morning before our alarm went off he rolled over and cuddled me for a while before we had to get up! That was just heavenly as it is something that hasn't happened for a long time!!

Knowing his capacity for affection, love and all things "sex"/relationship related, I know exactly what I am missing out on! But at the same time, I can only imagine what he is going through - he has always been "the" guy and is seen by all as such a toughie. It breaks my heart to see him like this.

Sorry for the long post - but it helps to get this off my chest ...

LadyRavenHeart Fri 22-Nov-13 08:27:56

Thanks CES ... I hear you. I thought that initially too, but he did mention during our last chat that it was difficult for him to be affectionate, as he didn't want to "start something he had no desire to finish". I did try to reassure him, but he says when that happens he feels like he is failing me and that's one of the reasons he tries not to be too physical.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 08:43:51

He does realise that alcohol is not doing his BP any favours... ?

LadyRavenHeart Fri 22-Nov-13 08:45:31

Yip CES - he knows its a problem and is quite defensive about it, which tells me that its a problem in itself too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 08:59:43

I'm struck you call him a boyfriend rather than a partner. Is it a long-standing relationship?

LadyRavenHeart Fri 22-Nov-13 09:10:43

CES ... Know each other for several years, but have only been living together for about 8 months. I usually refer to him as my partner, but made the distinction here for some reason. Wasn't sure what to refer to him as.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 09:31:55

The sexual problem seems to have coincided with living together ie. the relationship taking a fairly serious turn. May or may not be significant. Is the drinking problem recent as well?

LadyRavenHeart Fri 22-Nov-13 09:50:37

No - he's always been a bit of a drinker. But a bit more than usual yes - probs with the kids, finding work etc. Starting to think that most of his BP probs may be related to the alcohol, although genetically he is predisposed. Mom died after a heart attack, father has an aneurysm and has had several bypasses. He has also lead a very stressful existence ... literally a fight for survival as a child, physical and emotional abuse and an alcoholic father.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 09:54:23

What's that saying about those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it? I don't think there's anything you can do with this guy. He may have survived a rotten childhood but he seems to have decided he's had his chips. If he'd rather go down the route of self-pity and resignation whilst pouring another drink than do anything meaningful about his health or other problems you're pretty much stymied.

ImHonkingOrSomething Fri 22-Nov-13 10:07:32

I agree with cogito in everything she has written and it's worth you having a think about it.
There is no way of coping if there is no other affection,it will slowly eat at your self esteem even if you know for a fact it's not you.
Iv not got much useful advice but I am living in the same sort of situation with regard to no libido from dp so know how it feels.sad

LadyRavenHeart Fri 22-Nov-13 10:47:16

Thank you to all of you for your very thought provoking and valid comments. Much appreciated. I am seeing our GP shortly for my bronchitis and will also check with him on a few things that need clarification.

I really do hope we can sort out this aspect of our relationship, because we are really good together and have both achieved things beyond our wildest imagination since we have been together.

Will definitely pop in later to let you know what the doc says.

P.S. In his defense, I must add that despite a horrific childhood (and aside from his occasional excessive drinking) he strives to be everything his father wasn't and is an amazing person in every other respect.

NothingsLeft Fri 22-Nov-13 12:54:20

Alcohol doesn't care how amazing a person you are unfortunately. It just ravages the life out if people hmm

I think alcohol may be the crux of your problem. Denial, especially around a health issue would be a sign for me.

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