NC with narc mum for 2 months, it's her 70th in a few days...

[AngelaRegrets]

Hi everyone, could do with some hand-holding. I have been NC with my mum for 2 months now after decades of a relationship which she probably thought was fine but it was hell for me (and more recently for my dh and dc as well - they have suffered a lot from seeing me unhappy). We had a row after I dared to disagree with her and haven't spoken since. It's her birthday soon. I am not getting her a card. I don't actually want her to have a bad birthday, and there are some good things about her that I almost miss, but I know sending a card will be interpreted as 'please resume your stranglehold on my life'. But it's still really difficult! In reality I know there is nothing she can do to me, but I'm still scared for some reason.

[worsestershiresauce]

She can only have a strangle hold on your life if you let her. I guess you feel bad because she is still your mum, and at some level you still love her.

Is complete NC what you really want?

[Gruntfuttock]

A date on the calendar does not (or should not) have the power to negate all the reasons why you took the major step of going NC.

[Meerka]

it is really hard to keep away isnt it? they're our mothers ... but they are also poisonous.

it is very sad, and also very hard, when for the sake of our own sanity and well being we have to cut off someone who ought to be so close. But it -is- necessary sometimes and most importantly it is best for our children and partners. And us.

They also still have a very strong grip on us at a gut level, even when we know what they are really like and are strong adult women with our own lives, what people call the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. Lovely emotional hangover from drinking poison.

I can really understand why you are torn and regretful about this, but go with your better judgement and give yourself time to be sad over what should have been.

Someone on here recently said that if you have someone that you still long to have a good relationship with in the face of all evidence that it's never going to happen, visualise them and then visualize a cold empty comfortless room beside them. The reality, as opposed to the silent longing for what you'd really like them to be.

I am glad to hear you have a family of your own; when faced with the poisonous presence of a grotty parent, there's nowt better'n a hug with your own kid. Funny how your child just feels so right, isnt it?

[AngelaRegrets]

worsester, I think it's more that I know she still loves me, though in a very selfish way, and I feel guilty for rejecting it even though it is destroying who I really am (if that doesn't sound too pretentious). She doesn't understand boundaries - literally does not see that I'm a separate person - so complete NC is the only way. But thank you, that is a very kind way of looking at it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do not send a card under any circumstances; no contact is exactly that.

I have previously found the following from
www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html that may help you as well (it certainly did me):-

"Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time.

"It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists. They're pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to them, and they'll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use or if, for some reason, they perceive you as an authority figure. That is, as long as they think you don't count or they're afraid of you, they'll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. But, as soon as you try to get close to them, they'll say that you are too demanding and, if you ever say "I love you," they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an appendage, and treat you very very badly right away. The abrupt change from decent treatment to outright abuse is very shocking and bewildering, and it's so contrary to normal experience that I was plenty old before I realized that it was actually my expression of affection that triggered the narcissists' nasty reactions. Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. If you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't really love them or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you. If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will cut you off just like that, sometimes trashing you and all your friends on the way out the door. The narcissist will treat you just like a broken toy or tool or an unruly body part: "If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off" [Matt. 18:8]. This means you".

"But, even though children of narcissists don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart. Thus, we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way. Once narcissists know that you care for them, they'll suck you dry demand all your time, be more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love by outrageous demands and power moves. In their world, love is a weakness and saying "I love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll hurt you out of a sort of sacred duty. They can't or won't trust, so they will test your total devotion. If you won't submit to their tyranny, then you will be discarded as "no good," "a waste of time," "you don't really love me or you'd do whatever I ask," "I give up on you." (Note: In many instances, narcissists' demands are not only outrageous but also impossible to fulfill even if you want to please them. Plus if you actually want to do what they want you to do, that would be too much like sharing, so they won't want it anymore.)

If you've had a narcissist for a parent, you are probably not afraid of dying and going to hell -- you have lived hell on Earth. Narcissists cannot be satisfied and do a tremendous amount of damage to their children and partners in their relentless demand for a perfect outer appearance to reflect the perfect inner image that obsesses them. Kyrie eleison".

They have made the terrible choice not to love.

It is not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist to my mind.

I would suggest you also look at the link entitled "Daughters of Narcissitic Mothers" and read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your mother sounds like the engulfing narcissistic type.

Your mother will not change either; it is not your fault she is like this (btw do you have any idea of what her own childhood was like?. That can often give clues).

You will need to accept that if your mother is truly narcissistic she will not change and she will never be the nice and kind mother you desire her to be. You need to grieve that loss. Again it is NOT your fault your mother is like this.

[AngelaRegrets]

Attila, yes, very much the engulfing type - I hadn't realised how much she controlled me until the last few weeks. Even down to the colours I wear! I don't know if anything went on in her childhood to make her like that. Her siblings are a nice normal lot who have had a lot of flak from her over the years. My gran always wondered if it was because she didn't talk to her as a baby - Gran when younger didn't know you were meant to talk to babies

I thought it would be easier without her and I would spend less time thinking about her and being full of rage. It was lovely looking at my phone and not seeing texts from her - thought I was free at last! But although I still appreciate not being texted all the time, actually I'm thinking about her more now! I'm still very angry with her and also with myself for putting up with it for so long. Part of the mourning process? I hope I won't be feeling like this for ever.

[Holdthepage]

She is 70 are you really saying you can't even send a card? A card is just a card, it isn't an invitation to resume normal interference in your life. Part of standing up for yourself in these unequal relationships is being able to do normal things like sending birthday & Christmas cards without there being any hidden meaning.

[MillyMollyMandy78]

Angel, i don't have any words of wisdom for you but just wanted to say that it sounds as though you are doing the right thing. I understand how hard it can be. I went NC with mum over six months ago. Last month was her birthday. I didn't send a card or gift. She has done so many terrible things in the past that it is no wonder her children don't want her in our lives, but i felt so mean. Kept imagining her on her birthday with no cards from her two daughters - like you, i didn't want her to have an awful day, just wanted to keep things clear and continue absolute NC. I am hoping that it will get easier in years to come. Something i didn't do, but could you do something nice for yourself that day, to distract from the situation? It is Christmas that i think will be hardest - what are you doing? Try to focus on the good stuff and keep busy

[AngelaRegrets]

Best of luck Milly, I'm going out with the family for a meal on Christmas Day which we've never done before. Hope yours goes OK. The best distraction I've found so far is filling out a long complicated tax form (I suppose because I had to concentrate) - wow, I know how to have fun, don't I?!
Holdthe page, I totally take your point - it should be like that but at the moment, I don't know...
Thanks everyone for your support.

[mum23kidz]

I have been nc with mum now for 2 years. It has been difficult at times. I have seen a councilor and worked through my issues. I had to grieve for the family I never had and the mother i wanted but will never have. Time does help. Hope this helps you know you are not alone!

[MillyMollyMandy78]

Thanks Angela - spending Christmas Day with inlaws, so hoping i will be too busy to think about it too much on the actual day. Hope yours goes well too. Most of the time I have been happy with NC but i do think keeping busy helps with the harder times, and i guess doing your tax returns counts, though not the most enjoyable option!

[Snog]

Being scared of your mum isn't right. I spent 40 years being scared of mine and I feel like I have sacrificed a huge amount to be free of the fear. But a life spent in fear is no life. I have been nc for 3 months and have felt a lot of anger, but my mum no longer holds power over me and that is priceless. Hang in there OP and don't send a card.