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husband taking nude photos of me without my consent

(73 Posts)
tomsmum08 Tue 19-Nov-13 11:48:36

I've been married for ten years and have 7 yr old child. My husband hads always looked at porn, he's never admitted it but I've found photos on the computer. I've let it go as it's never caused a problem. I didn't like it but I could deal with it.
However last year I caught him taking photos of me in the shower. I didn't tell him i had seen him as I thought/ hoped he might tell me. He didn't. I saw the photos on the camera. They had been deleted the next time I looked. I felt sick and violated but somehow couldn't tell him I knew.
A few months later I was checking emails on his
phone and something made me look at his
photos. I found some taken of me, asleep on the sofa, photos of my cleavage. There was also
video footages of me getting undressed in the
bedroom the night before. Disgusted, I challenged him that night when he tried to initiate sex. We had big row, he promised the photos were not posted on the Internet, and thathe didn't kknow why he'd done it.
We agreed to try and move on, and he promised things would get better if I could learn to trust him again. Said he was sorry blah blah.....
Anyhow fast forwarded to now and I've just found some photos of me taken on our recent holiday, me asleep on the sunbed, photos of my bottom, and my breasts. I feel sick. I can't trust him anymore but I know he loves me. He's a great husband and dad in all other respects but I can't bear the thought of him touching me now. Don't know what to do.

NoArmaniNoPunani Tue 19-Nov-13 11:50:35

That is really creepy and vile. How can he love you and do something so intrusive?

tomsmum08 Tue 19-Nov-13 11:52:09

I know. Feel sick. I don't want to break up our family but I can't live like this

onetiredmummy Tue 19-Nov-13 11:52:37

Is his porn what you would call normal porn or does it focus on women being unconscious/asleep?

FriendlyElephant Tue 19-Nov-13 11:55:27

I couldn't be with somebody who had so little respect for me. What excuses does he give for his sickening behaviour? Whether or not he has some kind of fetish or compulsion to photograph naked women without their consent, if he loved you he wouldn't be objectifying you like this, especially after you've already expressed your distaste for it and given him a second chance.

NoArmaniNoPunani Tue 19-Nov-13 12:00:11

You wouldn't be breaking up your family, he would. You forgave him once and he's carried on. If you forgive him again he's very likely to do if again

tomsmum08 Tue 19-Nov-13 12:01:27

The porn I've looked at is vile. Lots of veuyeristic stuff. I'm not a prude in any sense but I feel so violated.
I don't think he can see what he's doing is wrong. I keep to check is phone now but there's never anything on there any more. I think he might be looking at stuff on line on his phone as there's nothing on the computer.

QuintessentialShadows Tue 19-Nov-13 12:03:14

Have you posted about this before?

HighBrows Tue 19-Nov-13 12:03:24

I'd actually make a complaint to the police. Your husbands behaviour is very intrusive and very creepy.
His actions have broken up the family.

Jan45 Tue 19-Nov-13 12:04:04

FFS what is hard about him understanding your desire to keep your body from the public domain - honestly, he sounds like he has a real problem and should seek professional help.

shadesofwhite Tue 19-Nov-13 12:04:18

shock Now this is so creepy! And he doesn't know why he's taking these photos?! hmm

QuintessentialShadows Tue 19-Nov-13 12:05:33

There was a similar thread not that long ago, I am wondering if this was also you?

Back2Two Tue 19-Nov-13 12:07:44

There has been a similar thread not so long ago. Was that you when you first found out?
I have to say I find it just plain weird and absolutely horrible. I so sorry you're in this awful situation. It is his problem, not yours.

tracypenisbeaker Tue 19-Nov-13 12:09:36

I don't mean to alarm you, but I have heard of men putting these kinds of photos online for other men to 'rate,' so to speak, like they get a kick out of other men ogling their unaware other half... it would explain why they have been deleted off of the devices. If I were you I would completely grill him to the point of interrogation and threaten him with the police unless he told the truth (you could bluff and be like 'I know that you've been putting them online.')

I'd then go to the police anyway and LTB. Horrible.

tangogirl Tue 19-Nov-13 12:09:55

No it wasn't me that posted before. Thought about it but never did. Have changed my user name as thought it might out me.

onetiredmummy Tue 19-Nov-13 12:14:16

Be careful OP, this type of porn that focuses on women unconscious/asleep normalises sex where the woman does not have to consent. Its not a great leap forward to realise where that eventually takes you. He's already involving you in his fantasies against your will & that is a warning sign to me.

I haven't seen your earlier thread so perhaps I'm missing some info.

I'm being totally serious but I know how weird this sounds - if he asks you to role play during sex that you are asleep, dead or in any way unconscious then you probably need to re-evaluate your relationship.

Then more he looks at this type of porn, the more normal it will seem & you know that is not the case. Sex is a mutually enjoyable consensual act.

Tell him you know! Don't play the unwilling victim in his games or he might assume you are consenting nonverbally. Shout at him, argue but just make sure he knows you don't like it. If he knows & he doesn't stop then I'd move on. Sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Nov-13 12:14:39

"he promised things would get better if I could learn to trust him again."

Whatever he's done, he's thoroughly untrustworthy. How would you ever be able to relax with this pervert?

Lweji Tue 19-Nov-13 12:18:28

The problem here is whether you can trust him not to do it.

And what he tells you he has done with the pictures.

I don't think I could cope with this level of deceit. Not sure I'd be relaxed again falling asleep, or in the shower, or having a bath.
And would worry that pictures would pop in the internet.

tracypenisbeaker Tue 19-Nov-13 12:18:29

Honestly, I would be seriously concerned that he is potentially sharing these images online. Why else would he be taking the risk and photographing you, when he could just look at your tits while you sleep in real time? <boak>

If he denies then you could ask to see his e-mails, as any membership to those kinds of websites would come up and you can tell if he is guilty by gauging his reaction to your request.

God, so sorry if I come across as hysterical here, but if I were in your position I would be driving myself nuts, checking every avenue.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 19-Nov-13 12:19:02

I was wondering if that other thread was yours as well, or if there's another MNer who totally understands what you are going through?

What should you do?

If I was you (and I was thinking with my head and not my heart), it would be the end of our relationship. Not because of the photo taking in itself (each to their own) but because he hid it, then when you found it the first time he knew how upset you were & promised not to do it again and to build up your trust in him... well he didn't did he? He continued to do something he knows makes you feel violated... to me, that's not the actions of someone who loves you and why would you stay in a relationship where someone would do something that makes you feel violated and unloved? I wouldn't.

It would make me feel very uncomfortable to have DD's friends around in a few years when they are teenagers sad

bragmatic Tue 19-Nov-13 12:20:32

There is a way that you can search for images, by using images, online.

Lweji Tue 19-Nov-13 12:20:39

Essentially, "he promised things would get better if I could learn to trust him again", so, he broke your trust again. Why should you trust him?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 19-Nov-13 12:22:14

tracey - I wouldn't bother because even if they are out there (& sadly I expect they are) there is nothing you can do about it. You might be able to get them removed from one or two sites, but once they hit the internet they are 'out there' and that's that.

Lweji Tue 19-Nov-13 12:23:47

Also, at this point, does it matter if he has posted them on the internet or not?

tracypenisbeaker Tue 19-Nov-13 12:25:46

Chipping I know this, but I'm sure the police would take a dim view of this toad man uploading voyeuristic footage/ images of his wife.

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