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My husband is suffering from paranoia & hates me! Need help!

(47 Posts)
LUCIA22 Tue 19-Nov-13 10:09:08

My husband hasn't spoken to me since Sunday but told me this morning that I have a week to ge a solicitor as he is divorcing me. He thinks I am being unfaithful but I am not, and never have been. I think he s suffering from paranoia. It is not the first time he has accused me. All his evidence is based on body language he thinks he as seen. Ths time it's to do with where I sat at the table for a family gathering on Sunday. I posted on a thread on Sunday abut aspergers as he has recently been to the doctor as he thinks he has it. The doctor however was not v helpful. He has now as a result gone into a cycle of believing that he is fine and its everyone else that is wrong. This is mainly directed at me. He has a whole list of times e thinks that I have been up to something, all wrong but I can't prove it. I love him very much and it breaks my heart to se him like this but I am also terrified of what is going to happen and I am helpless to do anything about it. I have an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow but I don't think he will agree to go back now. I am thinking it could be acute paranoia or bi polar. He had a bad case of paranoia last Christmas brought on by stress but came through it and convinced the doctors he was fine. It was horrible, v scary. I don't want to break up over something like this. We have two small children it would break their hearts if that happened. They are just wondering now why daddy is sleeping in the spare room. What can I do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Nov-13 10:19:47

Your first priority has to be to keep safe. If he is experiencing paranoia, is delusional, behaving irrationally, making accusations and so on, then that can get very serious, very quickly. Dangerous, in fact. I have experience of paranoid schizophrenia in the family and it's frightening.

Do you have somewhere you and the DCs could go to immediately? Next step is then to call your GP, tell them how bad it's got and ask them to pay a house-call for a mental health assessment. He needs help and you need to be safe. Good luck but don't take any chances.

LUCIA22 Tue 19-Nov-13 10:33:53

I don't know that the GP would do anything as he will just tell them he is fine. He as gone to work now and is doing everything else normally. He is not like he was last Christmas. It is more a case of convincing himself that I am a terrible person and he doesn't want to be with me. He is being fine with the children but what do I do if he serves me with divorce papers? I don have money for a solicitor. I don't want a divorce. I just want my husband to get the help and support he needs and for us to be a family. Do you know where I could get some advice on this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Nov-13 10:40:01

You can't make someone get help for a mental health problem if they don't cooperate. If a GP has said he's fine already and if you think a mental health assessment would give him a clean bill of health then the only conclusion you can reach is that he doesn't have a mental health problem .... i.e. he's just a nasty piece of work that is behaving unreasonably and accusing you of affairs because he wants a divorce. Men like that are ten a penny.

You need RL support here. Friends & family for emotional, moral and practical support. Legal advice for the rest. Many solicitors offer a free initial consultation and I strongly recommend you seek one out. As for costs, they can be deducted from any financial settlement rather than paid up front

I think you have to start taking him seriously and planning for the worst case scenario.

LUCIA22 Tue 19-Nov-13 11:02:01

I think a mental health assessment would show something up but don't think he would agree to one now. I am so angry with the doctor he saw as he dismissed someone who obviously felt anxious enough about the way they felt to seek help. He is aware of what happened last year so should have taken him more seriously. DP knows that something s not right with the way he sees things but he's in denial at the moment. I don't know if he will become more amenable or whether it all as to come out in a divorce first. I am quite a private person and I hate this. We have been together for 12 yrs but married for less than a year! This shouldn't be happening, he hates the fact that his parents divorced and now he is doing it to his own children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Nov-13 11:08:19

Divorce takes time. Nothing's going to happen hastily. But you have to be be prepared to take him completely on face value rather than second-guessing his rationale, attributing it to denial or so on. If he knows something isn't right and the GP is incompetent then there are other GPs. If it's just an episode and you have taken him seriously then at least you are in a stronger/safer position and can decide if this is the way you want to live your life anyway.

Twinklestein Tue 19-Nov-13 11:10:35

Has he been assessed by a psychiatrist or only by the GP?

GPs have very little mental health training.

lizzzyyliveson Tue 19-Nov-13 11:13:41

Can you get him to repeat his accusations in writing eg if you email him saying that you will be seeing a solicitor about a divorce but you need to know the grounds so can he put them down while they are fresh in his mind. If he then regains some clarity of thought and denies what he has said you can show him the proof. His email might also show symptoms that a mental health professional would pick up on.

PoppyInTheFog Tue 19-Nov-13 11:13:45

It sounds like this is to do with marriage if you say he first started to behave oddly around the time you married. I would give him the divorce and try to rebuild your life. The first year of marriage is meant to be great.

cestlavielife Tue 19-Nov-13 11:17:31

if either one of you wants to divorce the other cannot stop them.
wait for him to serve papers on you. then go to get legal advice eg CAB. divorce does take time so there will be weeks when you can se eif there any other mh signs.

best thing you can do is take him at his word, play along and agre to a divorce (who wants to stay married to someone who accuses you?) stay calm and ask him to move out comepletely; not stay in spare room.

if he genuinely has Mh issues then he needs to go back to gp and ask for help. if he tells them he is fine, nothing they can do.

asking for divorce isnt a sign of MH in itself ... it is going to be hard for you to ask for psychiatric referral just on this basis. you need someone else eg work to spot something amiss.

but keep talking to your own doctor and get some rl support.

if he goes awol and you worried then call police.

LUCIA22 Tue 19-Nov-13 11:26:55

He went to see the GP some time ago to ask for a referral for aspergers. Nothing happened so he chased it up. The GP asked to see him again and told him that some one with aspergers wouldn't be able to run a business and have a marriag and children (which is incorrect) and therefore he refused to refer him. He should, however, have considered other possibilities. I wish I had gone with him as I would have asked more questions but DP ju accepted it. He knows that something is not right but I don't know he to get him to go back and see someone again. I am not the bet person as he doesn't trust me at the moment. There s not really anyone else I can ask to speak t him, he doesn't have any close friends.
I told him last week that I would always be there for him and help him to get some support one way or another. He felt that some sort of diagnosis would help him explain why he is sometimes a bit odd, people sometimes just think he is rude, but he doesn't know how to communicate often or read body language. He sees signals that are not there ned gets confused hence thinking that I am communicating with other men, often in front of him!!!

Twinklestein Tue 19-Nov-13 11:36:28

In that case then I would go back to GP & request referral to a psychiatrist. If your husband is not willing to go then see the GP yourself & ask them to send someone to assess him at home. I wouldn't go to the one your husband saw before, see someone else at the practice. Write down the details of his paranoia and anger (this time and last Christmas) as well as the difficulty communicating & rudeness, & tell the GP all of that.

foolonthehill Tue 19-Nov-13 11:39:34

just a he taking anything (druggy/alcohol I mean?) paranoia can be a side effect,

also, I would definitely go to the GP yourself and record all the actions both 1 year ago and now. If you know anyone at his work get them to keep an eye...see whether his decisions and performance are normal ditto any clubs and activities. Sometimes MH issues start very subtly but by being aware and getting info from different parts of someone's life you can prevent a total melt down.

paranoia can be associated with depression, bipolar disease, schizophrenia, brain tumour, MS, Parkinson's, PTSD and severe stress as well as personality disorders.

it is also associated with being an arse and coercive control of a partner. However if he doesn't have form for this it's worth watching out for the other possibilities. depending on his age some become more or less likely.

good luck op

ProfPlumSpeaking Tue 19-Nov-13 11:42:46

Try reposting this in Mental Health. Good luck.

LUCIA22 Tue 19-Nov-13 11:45:43

I have appointment for tomorrow and am going to see if I can get. Telephone appointment today. I am currently speaking to CAB about his threats of divorce. I have a feeling that as we have been married less than a year it won't necessarily be a long drawn out process. It might b quite easy for him. He is the financial brains in our house and so will make sure he has everything sorted to ensure I get v little. I don't really want a fight over money, I just want a happy home for my children. I am scared of what might happen to him under stress if he doesn't get help. I know of someone in a similar situation who wasn't trusted to see their children alone and had t have supervised visits only due t their state of mind. How horrible.

scallopsrmissingAnyFucker Tue 19-Nov-13 11:48:34

How does he behave with other people Lucia? Is he paranoid around them? Does he think they are communicating with other people in front of him, when they're not? Does he give them ultimatums/threaten them and not speak them for days on end?

scallopsrmissingAnyFucker Tue 19-Nov-13 11:49:26

"He is the financial brains in our house and so will make sure he has everything sorted to ensure I get v little." Why would he do that?

melanie58 Tue 19-Nov-13 12:28:48

Not a divorce lawyer but I don't think you can file for a divorce within the first year of marriage.

LUCIA22 Tue 19-Nov-13 12:32:59

He doesn't work with anyone, runs his own business. Is happier that way as by his own admission he falls out with people a lot. He thinks the whole world is communicating in a way he doesn't understand but it's mostly women. He genuinely believes we have eyes in the back of our heads and that I am watching hm when he s behind me! I guess it's directed at me as everyone else's signals don't really matter an he can avoid them. I however am making a fool of him by having affairs behind his back which is why I take the brunt of it. He paints a picture if me as some harlot, desperate to jump into bed with any man I meet. I have been accused f flirting with someone in a queue who I wasn't even aware of. I am not a flirter, never have been. Would never and have never been unfaithful. It's really knocked my confidence as I am now really self aware around people for fear of provoking something and never go out with friends. It's jut not worth it. When he is nt beng like this he s lovely, and fun, but I feel this us ruining his life as well as mine. He avoids social gatherings and feels self conscious when around lots of people, he feells intimidated and tells me that they do or say things to put him down on purpose.

LUCIA22 Tue 19-Nov-13 12:35:38

Amazingly he is a really high achiever. He has batted a recession to keep a Business going, he takes on physical challenges, gets a bit obsessive sometimes. He feels the need t how everyone that he can and does succeed as if they doubt him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Nov-13 12:36:50

Whether he has a mental illness or not, his behaviour is emotionally abusive and controlling. The fact that he's lovely and fun at other times doesn't change that. Your confidence is low, you're nervous of provoking him, 'walking on eggshells' and you've isolated yourself from your friends. These are all fairly classic elements of an emotionally abusive relationship.

You have to make yourself top priority now.

foolonthehill Tue 19-Nov-13 12:38:33

OK now i see him.

Ignore the paranoia, he's a coercive controller, and an abusive man who you have to keep sweet fro fear of his reaction.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and he is not a great husband and father.

You need to look after yourself and your DC

foolonthehill Tue 19-Nov-13 12:39:02

X post with Cog

Onefewernow Tue 19-Nov-13 12:44:46

I'm sorry for your H.

However, the only way you can judge ANY relationship is on how it affects you.

I'm wondering whether you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of this if you stay, and also your children. Children are more likely to develop MH issues themselves when raised with them.

Given he wants a split, I would give him one. I have a feeling you won't, but that you will be back here further down the line.

JaceyBee Tue 19-Nov-13 13:01:59

I'm sorry this isn't helpful, if this is what he's like why did you marry him in the first place? Has he not always been paranoid and antisocial then? Sorry if I've missed something. If he is on the spectrum he would not have suddenly woke up one day like it, he would have always shown these traits. (disclaimer: not implying everyone with ASD is paranoid and antisocial of course!!)

There are a few possibilities here but nothing in your posts is enough to say this is a MH issue. That's not to say it isn't though. Also, it sounds as though his GP was for a referral for assessment for ASD, not for paranoid thoughts is that right? There is considerable comorbidity with ASD and psychosis actually, a lot of the patients I worked with in EI (early intervention in psychosis) had dx of ASD. However, getting a dx of ASD in adulthood is like hens teeth. Why does he want one so badly do you think? How would it affect his life to have a 'label'?

There is a delusional disorder called 'othello syndrome' or morbid jealousy. It centres on the strong delusional belief that a partner is cheating but with no discernible evidence to back this up. Apologies for the wiki link but it's actually quite decent and thorough.

However, you haven't said if he is even feeling jealous? If he believes so strongly you are having an affair, how does he feel about this? Is he hurt, angry, sad? It seems like all he's doing is ignoring you and threatening divorce. Where is the emotion here? Like I said, not enough to suggest a MH problem on its own.

Having said that, you really need to prioritise your safety here. If you genuinely suspect a delusional disorder then call your GP NOW and demand a psychiatric assessment. The MH team will call by the end of the day and speak to your H on the phone and then probably arrange a face to face assessment having triaged the situation.

If however, like others have said, this is just a selfish and cowardly man wanting out of his marriage for whatever reason then obviously there is no point wasting health professionals time with him, just let him go and start preparing yourself for a fight. Tbh I don't know why you'd want to remain with someone who you suspect will try to do everything he can to screw you over financially anyway. What a delight he sounds! hmm

Have just seen that you have an appt tomorrow, that's a good start. Hope you're ok anyway.

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