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Worried that H is cheating

(29 Posts)
hamishcat1 Mon 18-Nov-13 16:21:39

How worried should I be? Viagra in briefcase that appears to be getting used (separate from supply in bedroom), recent joining of cross training fitness class, found USB with porn images that is kept in his car. Receipt for phone handset.This all feels so bad, after a good marriage and four children. I have not confronted him, I just feel like a snooper and I want to believe that nothing is going on but my gut feeling tells me there is.

Locketjuice Tue 19-Nov-13 08:28:36

Well it doesn't look good! I would try and find more evidence m, check if he's actually going to fitness class, is where he says he is, keep a tab on the Viagra, when any go missing etc then confront him but without saying what you know or how. You don't have to explain that to him 'I know' is enough of an explanation! Does he use the phone in front of you? How many phones does he have (work,home,secret?)

Fairenuff Tue 19-Nov-13 08:18:02

I agree, if he is up to something then he will be more careful once he knows that you are suspicious. What day does he go to his fitness class?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Mon 18-Nov-13 23:09:57

I'd check out whether he is attending the exercise class and maybe text him at lunchtime and if he says he's in his office, I'd find an excuse to ring his landline to check (or do it via an unknown phone number).

I would trust my instincts but I wouldn't accuse or be tooo questioning without more to go on.

rpitchfo Mon 18-Nov-13 22:24:52

Everything is easily explainable bar the Viagra really. Why don't you just ask him what the extra viagra is for. I think that's a reasonable question.

Vivacia Mon 18-Nov-13 22:01:55

I can see the sense in that cogito, a straightforward, non-accusatory question.

(If my partner demanded to see my work phone I'd tell him where to go).

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Mon 18-Nov-13 21:38:33

Is the other phone a work phone, ie one you've seen him use, or a secret phone?
Demand to see it, right now. If he's innocent, he's got no reason to stop you setting everything on there.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 21:32:12

@Vivacia... the OP doesn't have to accuse their partner of anything. Questions are the order of the day. 'Would you like to explain what you're doing with a USB stick with porn on it?'.. for example, is not an accusation but it's a pretty serious question. If the answer given isn't satisfactory the OP can follow up with their own interpretation...

Tmallett92 Mon 18-Nov-13 21:09:55

just ask him straight up I he is cheating. you should know him well enough to tell if he's lying. don't follow him or wait for evidence just ask him. otherwise you will end up in a state of even more frustration

Fairenuff Mon 18-Nov-13 21:04:50

I think the Viagra in the briefcase is the most suspicious. What possible reason could he have for that? It only does one job, right? Or are there other health benefits which would require him to take them during the day, away from his wife?

Vivacia Mon 18-Nov-13 21:02:16

I am obviously in the minority, but I don't think that there's enough evidence here. What are you suspecting him of? Using sex workers? Having an affair? I would want to be clearer before accusing my partner.

Fairenuff Mon 18-Nov-13 20:55:07

Does he actually attend the fitness class, or is that his cover story? How long is he out of the house for?

Next time he goes, check up on him.

LEMisafucker Mon 18-Nov-13 19:06:35

It sounds like he has a porn habit that he doesn't want you to know about - if it wasn't for the extra viagra i would assume that was all it was. If this were my DP i would be confronting him, my betting it is either escorts or random meets from the internet rather than another woman . If its escorts, on a STD front that is "safer" than random meets as these women tend to keep themselves "clean". Random meets, doesn't bear thinking about.

mrshap Mon 18-Nov-13 19:05:34

This does not sound good hamishcat, listen to your gut instincts as they are always correct.
Also be ready for the denial and limited information.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 19:01:20

Does he still say, “I love you”?
Does the fitness class take up a surprising amount of time?
Has he recently been too tired for sex in spite of Viagra?
Do you notice him dawdling at bedtime, urging you to go up first, taking ages to get to bed?
Ever hear him arrive home but wonder why he takes so long to leave the car or fusses for ages changing for dinner or takes more business calls than he used to?
Has he started to run errands at weekends more frequently, (shopping, visiting PILs or family members, voluntarily taxi driving the DCs).
He might not have lipstick on his collar but any hairs on his clothes or car upholstery, any lingering perfume?

ZombieMojaveWonderer Mon 18-Nov-13 18:56:41

Sorry op but you have the evidence you need and you need to find out what's going on or it will drive you mad. I hope it's not what it looks like. sad

hamishcat1 Mon 18-Nov-13 18:54:51

Thank you all, just talking about this is such a relief even though I fear the outcome and feel sickened to the bone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 18:43:31

If you've been married long enough to have four DCs you will know when he's being evasive. You've got more than enough reason to ask a few pointed questions. Realise you don't even want to start the conversation but, if you wait for cast-iron 'proof' you'll never say anything.

Sorry you're in this situation

Onefewernow Mon 18-Nov-13 18:34:14

I would confront with what you have without telling him what you know or how. And ask for his work credit card bills etc. if he says no, or makes excuses, he is very likely up to no good. He has no reason to refuse, and any innocent man would not refuse his wife this.

Don't confront until you have it all she aight in your head, or he will talk it away. Believe me, been there.

And then he will know you are on to him. So think it through first, and when you start, DO NOT waver from your bottom line.

hamishcat1 Mon 18-Nov-13 17:50:32

How do I find out if he is using escorts? He is not working away from home, and shows no sign of working later in the evening. I believe he values our marriage and is being careful. He has his own business and credit card: all the bills stay at work. There is no evidence on his phone so he has clearly been very careful to delete everything if there is anything going on; perhaps that's why he wanted another phone.

AgathaF Mon 18-Nov-13 17:49:21

The phone and Viagra would be difficult for him to explain away. The classes - he could just say he wanted to get fit, although why wouldn't he tell you that. The USB/porn images - that depends on your personal feelings on porn. Again, he could dismiss that.

Without following him, or using a PI, I don't see how you can find out more without challenging him about what you've found. Maybe hold back exactly what your 'evidence' is and just say that you have evidence that suggests he is being unfaithful - what does he have to say about what's been going on?

Not tackling it is going to make you feel worse and worse.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 17:47:39

If you are still having sex together please stop and think about protection.

Sorry OP however old your DCs are, you can't put the genie back in the bottle. Don't be sidetracked by any bluster about invading his privacy or having a nasty suspicious mind. You're not snooping you're finding out whether he is playing you for a fool.

notapizzaeater Mon 18-Nov-13 17:46:15

I'd ask him outright with what you've found hmm

hamishcat1 Mon 18-Nov-13 17:44:08

How would I know if he is using escorts? He has his own business so all credit card bills stay at work. He doesnt ever work away from home and has shown no sign of staying at work later than usual, so whatever is going on if anything is during the day, during the week.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 18-Nov-13 17:43:01

The evidence is right in front of you. Think you know what you need to do.

AgathaF Mon 18-Nov-13 17:29:05

I think you already have as much evidence as you need to talk to him.

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