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Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

(249 Posts)
20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 15:35:06

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him sad

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

akawisey Tue 26-Nov-13 19:25:56

well, that was entirely predictable. He wants to see you again.

You think he's genuine. He isn't. He's well versed in turning the charm on when it suits him. You HOPE he's genuine is probably nearer the mark, because lets face it, none of like to think we're being played.

But look, even if he's mr nice man most of the time - this is the way he is. He will make plans and then back-peddle. He will stall on confirming arrangements. When you seek confirmation of plans (perfectly reasonable) he will go poof and disappear in a cloud of sulkiness and faux self protection. He won't give you the reassurance you will increasingly need from him and you'll feel even more insecure. And so on and so forth.

Really - is that what you want? It's your choice.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 26-Nov-13 16:09:33

I wouldn't want anything more to do with him personally. How can he go from wanting to get engaged to this, with barely a how dya do? Don't let him string you along, cut ties, move on and look after yourself, I say.

20000leagues Tue 26-Nov-13 15:45:08

pea I know. I don't think I will go back it will happen again. I wouldn't mind if say he was pissed off about something and decided he wanted to be by himself for a few days, it was the ignoring that was wrong.

LittlePeaPod Tue 26-Nov-13 15:39:45

Op if you choose to go back there then I wish you all the best and I hope it works out for you. However, you are now fully aware of what he is like and you can not complain about how he treats you or behaves in the future. You are going back with open eyes.

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 15:19:33

Sorry for double posts stupid phone

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 15:19:02

leagues it's whether you can handle the way he communicates. Is that really what you want from your partner?

Funny how he's so keen to see you after you broke it off - this was predicted by others remember. It's up to you if you give him a second chance of course but remember what he was like before.

He's a player and a tool imo and hasn't been very nice to you. Not sure it's worth a second chance after only 8 weeks.

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 15:18:15

leagues it's whether you can handle the way he communicates. Is that really what you want from your partner?

Funny how he's so keen to see you after you broke it off - this was predicted by others remember. It's up to you if you give him a second chance of course but remember what he was like before.

He's a player and a tool imo and hasn't been very nice to you. Not sure it's worth a second chance after only 8 weeks.

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 15:18:09

leagues it's whether you can handle the way he communicates. Is that really what you want from your partner?

Funny how he's so keen to see you after you broke it off - this was predicted by others remember. It's up to you if you give him a second chance of course but remember what he was like before.

He's a player and a tool imo and hasn't been very nice to you. Not sure it's worth a second chance after only 8 weeks.

20000leagues Tue 26-Nov-13 15:01:39

Oh dear tomato just read your post and you clearly think he is a game player. Perhaps your right. Am going to be on my own a while I think

20000leagues Tue 26-Nov-13 15:00:05

Hi all smile

Thanks for all your replies they have been of great help to me. I like to think about what I'm like as a partner as well as what the other person is like so they have given me insight into myself also

I'm not sure I need someone constantly reassuring me though, I was in a twenty year marriage and he didn't do that and I felt secure. Although perhaps that was because I loved him more as you would love a friend. Anyway certainly at the start of new relationship I am very much on my guard and when I fall for someone am on the lookout as to whether they feel the same, or in his case was still feeling the same. Feel a bit more chilled today. He has been in touch though and would like us to see eachother. I think he's genuine and I never thought he was a player but I will seriously have to think if I can deal with the way he handles conflict

ThreeTomatoes Tue 26-Nov-13 14:57:34

ok yes people are different and deal with things in different ways but i really do believe this guy is a game player. So he doesn't get an instant reply from her till 4 hours after his text (which included an explanation), and next day he ignores her text asking about the weekend - which they had already planned - and then doesn't show at all - and THEN when she texts telling him it is over he calls her and chats away like she's said nothing at all?!

That's not just incompatibility imo, it's plain rudeness, and game playing like i said! I don't understand why a few of you are totally reading this differently??

Anyway OP people are right, time to stop analysing and move on smile

LittlePeaPod Tue 26-Nov-13 13:48:05

I totally agree and have said before that Op is very insecure and requires someone that will constantly reassure her. And yes people are different and I would find someone that needy really suffocating. My preference is for a partner that's strong, confident and very self assured. I also agree that this guy didn't intend to hurt her. They are just different people, who as someone rightly pointed out communicate and handle situations in a completely different manor to each other.

I really think Op needs to focus on herself and moving on. Constantly analysing this guy and the situation really isn't helpful.

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 13:28:38

bit my comment was general but I thought 'snap, out of it' was a good expression to re - use in my post smile

Beagle is right. Some people just don't work together as a couple. It takes different amounts of time for people to recover from that.

beaglesaresweet Tue 26-Nov-13 12:40:14

either of them is wrong, I meant in first sentence.

beaglesaresweet Tue 26-Nov-13 12:39:14

they aer just plainly not compatible, I don't think either of the is wring, they have different ways dealing with problems so it will never work. He did say he dealt with problems by avoiding and cooling off, to be fair, so he OP should have known then that it's not the man for her. Some would be fine with it and out-cool him. Also it's entirely normal for many people in the beginning to be on and off a bit while you are getting 'settled', either you can accept it calmly and TRUST that he's just javing a wobble, or you need the type of partner like a poster above has, who's as needy and steady with his attention, that's what OP needs. All I'm saying that he's not evil, just that sort of character.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 26-Nov-13 08:13:14

living you do know I was being sarky to jean don't you?

ThreeTomatoes Tue 26-Nov-13 08:05:26

I don't think anyone has said the OP is a "divine and totally sane goddess", I for one picked up on her insecurity and posted that helpful activity from the book i read - as well quoted from the 'dating a loser' article.

If red flags like this are ignored (woman blames herself or tells herself she's over-thinking etc) before you know it you're in a shitty relationship looking back wondering why the hell you didn't see it earlier on. What the OP describes is a really good example of one of those 'red flags' always spoken of on here (see my post on Fri 11:32). Come on, madwoman - this guy was talking about getting engaged at xmas (!), and then ignored her text on Friday trying to confirm when he was coming over for their planned weekend together, and never showed!

Seriously, OP, your gut has been right and the way he's now spoken on the phone has totally confirmed your suspicions. He was stupid not to say "What the hell are you on about, why are you saying it's over?!" & then some lie explanation about his silence, as that might have made it harder (not impossible) to conclude that he was deliberately manipulating you. The fact that he talked as though you'd said nothing at all of the sort is all the proof you need that this would be an impossible relationship.

JeanSeberg Tue 26-Nov-13 07:57:28

I never said it was easy but this is an area she can work on whilst she is single.

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 07:36:35

It's not that easy to just snap out of it. OP has been through EA previously I believe. It can take some longer than others to recover, and we don't know what else she may have going on for this to affect her more than another person.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 26-Nov-13 07:32:26

Jean yy it really is just that easy simply snap out of it! confused

And as for madwoman. Well you've clearly not RTWT. Perhaps that might've been an idea before you went off on one

JeanSeberg Tue 26-Nov-13 07:13:23

I agree with madwoman but that's irrelevant. This level of obsessing isn't healthy OP. It's over, you feel you've done the right thing so let it go now.
And make sure you have plenty of other things in your life to focus on so in the future a new relationship isn't the be all and end all, it's just something else in your busy life.

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 06:54:51

madwoman I suggest you read the thread again, both in terms of responses from op and the advice received as you are very wide off the mark on both accounts. This isn't AIBU for people to start slinging abuse at what is a very sensitive issue for her.

20000leagues Tue 26-Nov-13 06:41:19

texting him like a maniac

Where on earth did that come from? We both barely txt eachother at all, ever. I already explained on here and to him the delay in my reply to him. This was met with silence, also the next txt the following day was met with silence THERE WAS NO MORE TEXTING. I actually dislike loads of texts as of form of communication

LittlePeaPod Tue 26-Nov-13 02:49:22

madwoman before getting your knickers in a twist about what people have or have not said on the thread maybe you should read thread properly. hmm

Roseflowers Tue 26-Nov-13 01:50:12

Whoa whoa whoa, I do feel the need to step in at the OP's defence here a little. All she did that was needy was try and discuss her relationship with her boyfriend. A standard which he himself had set in the relationship anyway! She mentioned that this bloke had been asking her is she really had feelings for him etc because if not he wanted to 'get out now' as far as I remember, how's that for needy? He was the one storming out and not talking to her for a few days after she tried to have a discussion with him about their sex life. Its hardly like she's been texting him and calling him and harassing him demanding proclaimations of love every five minutes, and as far as I'm concerned speaking to your boyfriend about how your relationship is progressing (on two entire occasions omg!!!!) is not exactly needy.

You forget that this is the place she's been venting about him, and whilst she's posted a lot about it here she's mentioned all of this to him exactly once and has been ignored and stood up all weekend for voicing her concerns a grand total of once. This says to me that she was probably right in feeling that his affections were waning. If you really do have no doubts in your mind about a relationship, when your partner voices a concern that you're not that into them anymore the normal and natural reaction is to make them feel secure, not freeze them out and ignore them for several days!

As I've said in this thread before, if someone sets a tone for your relationship (declarations of love, loads of affection and commitment) and then that tone suddenly starts to change then it is perfectly natural to question things, especially when it happens so early in the relationship. OP I think that this guy has made you feel insecure with his behavior for legitimate reasons which made you feel very stressed out. I know what that sinking feeling of 'something isn't right here' feels like and I've never, ever been wrong when I've felt it. Another relationship might not necessary pan out this way as little things can make all the difference in making you feel secure and loved etc.

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