Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

(249 Posts)
20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 15:35:06

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him sad

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 06:29:34

I know and it's gutting to go from being swept away by all those emotions to come to earth with a bump. But I know it's not reality. Suppose I will just have to see how it pans out as unfortunately although I sort of " recognised" something about him when I saw him first, like I " knew" him, it took me longer to fall for him, but now I have. He's saying he knew the first time he saw me there was something. Don't know what to believe really

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 06:33:31

I know and it's gutting to go from being swept away by all those emotions to come to earth with a bump. But I know it's not reality. Suppose I will just have to see how it pans out as unfortunately although I sort of " recognised" something about him when I saw him first, like I " knew" him, it took me longer to fall for him, but now I have. He's saying he knew the first time he saw me there was something. Don't know what to believe really

wakemeupnow Tue 19-Nov-13 06:34:53

The fact he isn't into penetrative sex and has seemingly cooled off a bit since he knows you are really into him suggests to me that he has a fear of intimacy. This doesn't mean he isn't into you but could explain his behaviour.

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 06:39:30

He is fine with penetrative sex now he told me he has problems at the start of relationships. He has been hurt and let down badly in the past a couple of times. I think maybe he has a bit of a protective barrier up now

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Nov-13 06:46:54

Whatever you do, keep your eyes open and a bit of yourself back. I'm struck that in just 8 short weeks he's been very in your face about his feelings to get you to fall for him (quite a campaign) and, now that you're sold on the idea, he's not only easing off the gas romantically but he's also going in for this slightly cruel teasing business, keeping you guessing one minute, making plans the next. I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship feeling like I was waiting for the other person to decide my fate.... it's a vulnerable position... and especially not one that short.

So keep a bit of yourself back, set the bar high and retain your self-respect. Don't be one of those pathetic types waiting for him to whistle so you can go running.

EirikurNoromaour Tue 19-Nov-13 06:56:44

His behaviour indicates that he has been quite manipulative - assaulting you with declarations of love whilst holding back himself. Men who 'see something special' in you are often narcissistic, what they are seeing is a reflection of themselves that they like. That's what the excessive flattery is about, it's a way to get more positive affirmation from you for their ego.
When it comes to your feelings, Beware! Don't give so much away so quickly. Guard yourself better. 2 months is no time, you barely know him. You don't love him, not really. You can't love a person you barely know.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 19-Nov-13 07:02:47

Christ, this is hard work isn't it ? How do you find the time, or the inclination ?

ImagineJL Tue 19-Nov-13 10:47:30

I have been in several relationships like this. Often I'd meet men who seemed to fall head-over-heels in love with me within the first week, and eventually after a couple of months the flattery and adoration would get to me, and I'd start to feel keen too. Then they'd back off and dump me, by which time I'd be a hopelessly devoted adoring puppy. Of course I always got over them pretty fast, because it was never real in the first place.

I'm not saying that's how it'll be for you OP, but that's my experience.

If you value the potential of this relationship, and want to give it a chance, my advice would be to step back a bit yourself, try to demonstrate that you're not a needy puppy like I was.

I hate game-playing though, so I never managed it!

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 11:02:31

I must say, I agree with Mist it does all seems like very hard work. And after this short a time it shouldn't be.

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 15:35:49

It's not hard work really, it's my mind, I always over analyse and not just in this relationship but at work and everywhere.

I'm trying my best not to appear too keen, I rarely txt him phone only with a reason and I definatly don't run round doing things for him. I do cook if he's at my house but we share the cost and equally he takes me out to eat as well.

I'm just uncomfortable because he's got under my skin and I feel vulnerable but honestly i think it's too early days to tell him this

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 09:04:21

Ok it's not me overanalysing. I don't believe he cares for me now. Taking everything I've said previously into account and comparing it to how he used to behave to me, last night proved it as far as I'm concerned

I probably shouldn't have said anything and I've put the final nail in the coffin now. I just said " what are we doing about seeing eachother the rest of this week?" ( I've just started working shifts so needed to know ) TOTAL SILENCE from him so I repeated it and he said " well your on lates, wel see eachother the weekend" ( I do have one eve off before then)

Before all this he wasn't as huggy hadn't kissed me hence me worrying. Anyway it all came spilling out, how I felt he wasn't as keen, that I didn't know what he wanted anymore because he was behaving differently. He kept making jokes or staying quiet didn't seem concerned I was thinking this way. I asked him why he told me he loved me so much at the beginning, again TOTAL SILENCE, asked him why it had all stopped. He didn't seem to be trying to convince me he did care and want me. When asked directly he said a couple of times " of course I do" with his back to me

I feel I should have ended it but I couldn't because I really care about him now and it's like there's this glimmer I'm holding onto. I did say I thought he should go ( we were in bed) and leave it as I got the feeling he no longer wanted the relationship, but he didn't go.

I also said I felt like I'd been played from the start to draw me in and now he thought he'd got me he'd changed again he kind of said I was being stupid and it was in my head.

I've wreaked it all now anyway, he left this morning with a quick kiss as I was going back to sleep. I just couldn't hold it in any longer, should I have kept quiet? I'm really hurting today. I shouldn't have let him know I was unhappy, can men take it they think your disappointed in them?

How do I stop feeling like shit?

wannaBe Wed 20-Nov-13 09:15:10

chalk it up to experience and move on.

don't contact him again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 09:15:22

You shouldn't have kept quiet at all. Your mistake is not to have left (or made him leave - I can't work out the location) when he wasn't very convincing. All the time you say 'you're treating me badly' but do nothing about it because you're hanging onto this 'glimmer', your stock is going down and down and taking your self-respect with it.

If you feel like shit it's because it's not working then end it. Nobody's fault, no need for blame, you've had an eight week dating run, it didn't work out.... nice knowing you. That's life.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 09:21:01

Why do men do this? It's like they enjoy playing with your mind or they are too gutless to say what they think. How dare he make all those plans?
HE was the one all serious and lovey dovey to start with

cog the location was my house. Is he treating me badly? He's just not acting as keen. I also hate not knowing what has changed his mind, I feel like there's something wrong with me, he saw the real me and didn't want me so much, I feel a bit worthless

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 09:31:23

He's not treating you badly but, if you put someone on the spot, tell them you're not convinced that they are enthusiastic about you and they can only say 'course I love you' with their back turned..... if they don't say the right thing.... then you have to follow through. Not just swallow the hurt.

Your worth should not be determined by the reaction of others. I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with you. But some relationships work out, some don't, there's no real reasons or blame in most cases, and that's just the way life rolls.

I once dumped a guy I'd been dating because he lined up some ornamental boxes on a coffee table a bit too neatly.... Something inside me said 'prissy' and all the attraction I felt for him dissolved. He'd done nothing wrong either. Love isn't a rational business.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 09:36:19

I think I swallowed the hurt because I realise nothing is ever perfect and am hoping I'm wrong in thinking the way I do. He said leave it till the weekend and see how it goes and that he doesn't understand where I'm coming from as last weekend we had a great time

stubbornstains Wed 20-Nov-13 09:37:54

That back-turned thing speaks volumes. I think you should keep your dignity and not contact him again.

You didn't "wreck" anything- everybody has a right to discuss with their partner how the relationship is going, and expect some kind of reasonable response. If you hadn't raised the subject he might have strung you along for weeks, making you feel more and more miserable.

To declare your love for someone so soon and then cool off is a sign of emotional shallowness and immaturity- you've had a lucky escape.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 09:40:46

I think I will have to contact him to end it as he thinks we are seeing eachother on Friday for the weekend. It's going to be very hard I do like him.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 10:30:00

I don't know if I should suggest a break of say a week to see how we both feel about eachother. All I can see is he's in no hurry to do what he must by now realise I'm asking for at the moment. I don't know of I'm wrong comparing but I know previous BF would have sent me a little txt asking if I was ok and saying he loved me after what happened last night. I've not heard a thing from him though

EirikurNoromaour Wed 20-Nov-13 11:11:35

Did you read my previous posts?
He doesn't love you, he's all about himself. I doubt he even cares how you feel. He used you to meet his needs and now he's not getting what he wants from you and is pulling away.
There is nothing wrong with you, you could be anyone in respect of meeting his purpose.
Break it off with him, lick your wounds and learn from it.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 11:40:21

eirikur I just re- read your previous post. Horrible as it seems I think you may be right. I am so tired of meeting men like this, I felt my last BF also was more about himself than me although we were together 4 yrs. how do you break it off with someone you still care about? What do I say? Phone, text, email?

I feel so totally led up the garden path tbh, I told him this last night and he reassured a bit but to me it doesn't seem right

I think a lot of my self doubt comes from my family. When I told my sister her response is " well you want more than people are prepared to give" when I pointed out he made all the declarations to me until I fell for him, her response was " well you shouldn't have believed it" so I can never win really and it's always me at fault in some way

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 11:42:30

Maybe sister is right I'm just too demanding

EirikurNoromaour Wed 20-Nov-13 12:00:11

Well there may be a drop of truth in what she says in that you are looking for a lot of reassurance of his love at a point where love should not be part of the relationship. However you were seduced by his full on approach and let your guard down.
Do bear in mind though that you don't really love him, you love how his attention made you feel. And that's sadly easy to fake.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 12:08:00

Yes that's true I do seem to be looking for a lot of reassurance of love too early on and I feel shitty about it and like I've lost my pride. But yes I was seduced by the full on approach because he seemed so genuine, not your typical player, just someone who thought hed really found someone he could be with

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 12:11:13

'Demanding' is in the eye of the beholder smile You're you. That's all there is to it. If you like things a particular way and others don't meet your expectations, compromise will make you unhappy. And it's not wrong for wanting to believe 'I love you' ... although your Dsis has a point. It is one of the most fake phrases in the lexicon and should be treated with caution.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now