Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Struggling to keep the family home together

(22 Posts)
Flora5 Mon 18-Nov-13 13:58:17

I have a smallish house in London with mortgage. My adult son and partner live with me and my younger son lives away but returns to stay as and when he feels like it. The point is - I am paying for everything. Partner pays £250 a month towards living costs, resident son pays nothing and I am self employed and only earned 14k gross in the last tax year. The sums are not adding up. I have nothing to spend on myself unless my own mother gives me a little hand out then my older wealthier,retired brother objects so now I have to give him half, and I am getting frightened. Partner is still married to his wife, separated for 10 years and keeps his flat going though have only been there a handful of times. Should I kick them all out and sell up? - that way I could be mortgage free. What would anyone here do? Thanks.

DashingRedhead Mon 18-Nov-13 13:59:28

Kick them all out or make them pay a fair share. How old are your sons?

Flora5 Mon 18-Nov-13 14:00:12

22 and 28!!

sleepyhead Mon 18-Nov-13 14:01:44

Downsize. If they don't want you to then they'll have to stump up the cash to change your mind.

Thurlow Mon 18-Nov-13 14:04:25

Kick them out!

Seriously, if your adult son is earning then he should be paying some form of rent/housekeeping. Ditto your partner. It's his choice if he wants to keep a flat yet live with you full-time, and none of that makes the electricity, heating and water he uses in your house any cheaper!

peppapigmustdie Mon 18-Nov-13 14:05:35

Tell them you need a realistic contribution or you will sell.

Fairylea Mon 18-Nov-13 14:06:42

Definitely kick them out!

They are really taking the piss. Im angry for you.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Mon 18-Nov-13 14:09:25

Jesus!! Yes definietly kick them a out and look after yourself! If they want to be in your life/home then they'll bloody well pay to be there. Why on earth should fully grown adults get a free ride in life at your expense?

Snoozybird Mon 18-Nov-13 14:15:17

As resident DS is 28yo, this isn't the "family" home, it's your home that he should be contributing towards if he wants to live there. Same goes for your DP.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 18-Nov-13 14:24:05

Have you ever heard the term "cocklodger"?

Minnieisthedevilmouse Mon 18-Nov-13 17:00:14

Ok so you are a normal person, reasonably intelligent, passed normal kinds of exams, holds down a job, why please why are you putting up with this from the men in your life?

I'm aghast. And genuinely confused. Have you led people to believe you could afford things? Is it pride? Are they feckless? Or just not looking/thinking? This hasn't happened overnight. Op I'm so sorry, how did things get to this?

How can we help get you out?

Minnieisthedevilmouse Mon 18-Nov-13 17:01:11

Btw maybe it's just owning up the figures and asking for realistic help/finance/support from them? But for some reason you haven't already. Why?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 17:06:56

You could get rid of both partner and son and a lodger would pay you £250/month plus a decent share of the bills hmm These men are taking the piss and I'm sorry you're being treated with such terrible disrespect. You need a family meeting where you tell them their future i.e. 'chip in or ship out'.

SleepyFish Mon 18-Nov-13 17:07:06

You are being a doormat, kick them out, sell up and get your own life back. And giving your brother money your mum has lent YOU? Wtf! They are all taking the piss.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 17:08:17

Partner pays for his wife's costs but not yours? He's taking you for a fool.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Mon 18-Nov-13 17:21:17

Op are you alright? Reading this must be hard. Look sometimes things happen. You've noticed that's GOOD. Honestly it is.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 18-Nov-13 17:47:04

Op you have set this up for yourself. Why are you allowing all of them to rely on you to provide for them. Each one of these adults are massively taking advantage. Time to put yourself first.

Matildathecat Mon 18-Nov-13 18:18:30

Why isn't your partner renting out his flat and then contributing properly? Equally why isn't he divorced? Sounds lazy tbh.

Your sons, well that's different. Does the eldest work? Mine is on a lowish grad salary and gives me £150 a month which is a token rent but is allowing him to save to move out.

Time to lay down some rules. Write out the outgoings and divide three ways.

Either that or invite them to find alternative accommodation.

LovesBeingHereAgain Mon 18-Nov-13 18:20:39

Do it

Flora5 Tue 19-Nov-13 12:24:57

Thank you for all your replies. I am going to review things as I can see this is a pattern of behaviour in me, ie I just 'do the family thing' even though I am on my own with it, particularly paying for it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Nov-13 12:33:27

Good luck.

Jan45 Tue 19-Nov-13 17:33:16

But you're not doing the family thing, families support each other and you're not getting that from anyone - you don't owe your partner or your working son any favours, they are grown ups now, stop being a martyr, you deserve some happiness and to be able to buy yourself something from your money and not have to use it so they leaches can sponge off you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now