Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
The final nail in the coffin? Found text from OW.(150 Posts)
NC for this. 6 months ago I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right with DH. Being secretive and protective of his phone which he never has been before. I checked his online account and there were hundreds of texts to and from one particular number over a 6 week period. I checked his phone and there was only one text from this number, a female work colleague. The text mentioned them "overstepping the line."
I immediately confronted him and he said that it was a friendship that had got out of control, he was sorry, he'd been stupid but he was flattered by her attentions etc. he would tell her that it had to stop and he'd been a twat, he didn't want to lose me and DD.
I have checked his bills and there has been no further communication other than the odd sporadic text/brief call which could be work related, who knows?
He went out on Friday night with some work colleagues. When I asked who was there he reeled off a list of names and tagged her name on the end. I wasn't happy but he says as they work together she's going to be at those functions and there's nothing he can do about it - he says he barely said 2 words to her. But instinct told me to check his phone again this morning. She sent a text very late last night which was unopened, so I read it:-
"I have been thinking about this all day. I think it's only fair that I am totally straight with you, so you know exactly where you stand. I can't allow myself to be friends with you and I will continue speaking to you in work as little as possible. This is as a result of you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side. I admit I still really care for you but I deserved better and I won't be used again."
I threw the phone at him and watched the colour drain from his face as he read it. He says that she is infatuated with him, they had a massive argument when he told her they couldn't be any more than friends and that she is bombarding him with texts which he ignores and deletes. He maintains nothing physical happened, but she asked him to leave me for her on several occasions (she must have been bowled over by his charm and witty banter)
He's gone to work in tears saying that he only loves me and that she is trying to wreck his marriage because he's told that he doesn't want anything to do with her.
We've been together for 14 years and have a 3yo DD. I have resigned myself to the fact that he did have an affair which I think I can handle, but only if I can get him to admit that it actually happened which he won't do.
It must be devastating. Sorry no words to describe it amply. You sound determined and I hope his tears were because he realised what he's jeopardised.
"I can't allow myself to be friends with you and I will continue speaking to you in work as little as possible."
Sorry Op, I don't mean to make it worse, but I must say that that bit above, does suggest that he has been mooning around her, going, 'why won't you be my friend? why won't you talk to me? etc, etc."
He has behaved very badly.
He's been shagging her.
Her text reads as totally genuine and full of hurt and anger. He fucked her and he fed her a load of bullcrap about wanting to be with her when she was nothing but a cheap shag to him.
He screwed you over for a shag with someone who meant nothing to him.
now he wants to be friends with her or something? While getting you to swallow his horsecrap so he can have business as usual on the home front?
And at the same time trying to convince you that he's a victim?
He is vile.
OP, I think it would be delusional at this point to believe his story. That text very clearly states what the situation is. She has tried to draw a line under a full blown affair that was definitely sexual, to protect herself. Your husband potentially would wish to carry it on, at least emotionally, as long as he wasn't found out. As awful and insanely temporary as it is, she is on your side here, she doesn't want to have an affair with your DH. Only he has been pushing that. Also, considering her mention of 'leaving your wife' I would suspect this is serious and that has been discussed and even considered and she has been disappointed. She sounds rational and sensible in the text, if hurt and foolish.
It is not even the affair so much as the ridiculous 'she is infatuated with me' line that would be totally deal-breaking for me. He is tap dancing desperately and minimizing. Until he exhales and tells the truth you should detach from him. This is not the truth.
Get the whole truth if you can. Mull it over. If you are in any doubt about whether you can trust him again, leave him. If you are sure you can handle it, give it a another go although remember you can change your mind at any time!
She has the whole truth.
He had an affair with this woman that involved a full sexual relationship and a promise that he would leave his wife for her.
She thought he loved her. He presumably said he did.
But he's a liar, so nobody should believe anything he says.
Never trust a man who cries in these situations....classic deflection technique and one to make you feel
Sorry for him rather than yourself.
There is no point debating it. He has clearly slept with her. Cheaters will only ever tell you the minimum.
Sounds to me like a woman who has been fed the line "My marriage is over, we argue all the time, my wife doesn't understand me like you do, I can't leave her at the moment because of blah blah yack yack but I definitely want to be with you, I will leave her when the children are old enough/the mortgage is paid/hell freezes over". She got emotionally involved and obviously something has brought things to a head where she has realised that he's just another lying, cheating weasel.
I feel mildly sorry for her and exceedingly sorry for you.
He won't ever tell you the truth. How can you live with someone who only puts himself first. He doesn't care about you or he would have been honest from the start. It's up to you whether you can live with that. Good luck op and I'm really sorry you are having to go through this.
Thank you for all the messages.
I earn reasonable money and have some savings I can draw on until the financial side of things are sorted (if it comes to that). The house is in my name. I am not financially reliant on him in any way. He is the one that will walk away with nothing except the knowledge that he has let his DD down in the biggest way.
It sounds like you are in a good position, unlike many women who are dependent on these cheating fucks for a roof over their head
I would still get proper legal advice though and make it certain that he is unable to withdraw large amounts of money from anywhere
When I first got together with my now husband, I was caught up in the tail end of a horrible and abusive relationship. The ex was controlling and wretched and manipulative, but I still allowed him to convince me to sleep with him on a couple of occasions. This was in the first six weeks of knowing my now husband.
When the ex showed his true colours, again, I finally finally let him go. I cut contact completely. Then I wrote my now husband a letter outlining everything I had done- every text, phone call, blow job, etc.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I gave him the time and space he needed, and slowly, we overcame that awful situation together. We are now happily married and I know that we trust each other implicitly.
The point is that, even though I was in an abusive relatio ship with a controlling and scary man, I still had enough respect for my partner and my relationship to own up to my role in everything. I expected to lose him. Luckily I didn't.
Your husband seems to want to do the opposite. To me this is not okay. If he was sorry, he would want to give you the respect you deserve by giving you all the information and space you need to make an informed decision.
Get him out of the house until he fesses up, and keep him out of the house until you have clarity about what to do.
You seem very willing to forgive him his I fidelity. Might I ask why?
My parents divorced when I was 8. I never saw my father again. Over 30 years ago. That kind of trauma leaves a lifetime of issues which I still haven't worked through. It's the main reason I am not reliant on DH financially - I saw how much my mum struggled just to keep a roof over our heads on money from her part time cleaning work (no child tax credits in those days!) and vowed never to rely on a man for money. Having said all that I would move heaven and earth for DD to have the life I didn't - a mum and dad who genuinely love each other and I feel I owe it to her to say we tried to work it out but couldn't (if that's what happens).
I have sent him the following text:-
You need to have a good long think about what you are going to tell me tonight. I want the truth. All of it. No fucking waffle about just being friends. Nobody talks about leaving their wife for a 'friendship'. I know you've had an affair with her, I've got it in black and white. If you don't tell me the truth I'll get it from her and believe me it won't be pretty, so you'd better man up and tell me what you should have told me months ago. Then I can decide what I want to do. If you persist with this fantasy that nothing happened, we're definitely finished. You owe me the truth at least.
I am not braying for her blood - she's not the one who made vows to me, but I could make life very uncomfortable for them both at work - I took a photo of her text on my phone and he knows it. My phone is PIN locked now so he can't access it. Fucker.
What a wimp, even when faced with the truth he's trying to make out the OW is stalking him and is unhinged - you'd have to be half daft to believe him, the truth is there in her words.
I agree though, that unless he admits to this there's no way forward for you.
good luck timestoodstill what a wanker.
same happened to me only I didnt find out, ow/bestfriend told me. I got rid of both of them.
hope tonight goes well.
Really sorry, OP. He has lied to both of you. I wouldn't be giving him a second chance personally.
Best of luck.
Delurking here op, just wanted to wish you luck, and hope you get the truth you deserve
Have you got her number? I'd ring her for the truth, you've both been lied to.
Good luck op. don't give anything away. Keep your cards close to your chest.
I understand that you don't want dd to go through what you went through but you are not your mum and he is not your dad. You can't make your decisions based on them.
In 30 years time, you don't want your daughter saying, 'my dad pursued other women and my mum just put up with it and she was miserable,' either.
IMO that is a bloody good text, TSS. Good luck. Your DD is lucky to have you for a mum.
You sound very strong and sensible OP.
Good luck, stand strong to your principles. Remember you don't have to make any decisions tonight, take all the time you need and don't feel under pressure from anyone - on here or in RL - to make a decision that isn't right for you.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.