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Need perspective urgently! Seriously thinking of leaving 'H' and 4 DCs and running away!

(38 Posts)
WantToRunFarFarAway Sun 17-Nov-13 22:33:44

I would imagine the DCs will not be far behind me but I can't think of any other option to get out of my current situation.

Been with H for 20 years and he has turned into an utterly nasty arse. Emotionally abusive and terrible temper tantrums. We have had the kind of bad luck during those 20 years that you would not believe including the bereavement of a child and which has badly affected my mental health (anxiety) and H hates me for being 'pathetic' . We had a major financial catastrophe 7 years ago which culminated in us losing everything financially including our own home and have no hope of ever having enough for a deposit for our own home again.

We have been living in council accommodation which is a tiny 2nd floor flat with no garden and no lift for the last 2 years after privately renting and it is so hard to cope with day to day stuff but H will not move back into private rented as this is cheaper. The council housed us here after our 3rd landlord in 3 years gave us notice as he wanted to move back into his house. We went to the council for help as I was unexpectedly pregnant with DC4 and I could not bear having to keep on moving. We were told we had to move here but would have higher priority to move into a house after a year. Now the council will not move us and have recently changed the priority banding which means that we don't have any so we will be stuck here indefinitely.

H has decided we HAVE to stay in this flat. He has his job here and he will not countenance moving anywhere where it is cheaper to rent even though he can ask for a transfer up north where we could get a 4 bed for £700 a month!

I have decided that if we can't afford the to rent a decent home here (£1200+ pm) then we have to move somewhere we can.

H feels I am to blame for our financial predicament as it was my idea to emigrate abroad which is how we lost all our money (too much stuff happened out there to go into). He has recently told me that before I got pregnant with our 1st DC he had already decided to dump me but then he couldn't, he does not love me and I have ruined his life. I suffered an extremely abusive childhood which I have had therapy for and he has told me that he understands why my family hated me sad.

I literally want to through myself over the balcony most days. I have had the downstairs neighbours calling my DCs 'cunts' due to the relatively normal kids noise they make. I get unreasonably angry with them for making any noise due to downstairs neighbours hearing sad. I have nowhere to dry clothes, have to carry heavy shopping up 2 flights of stairs and sometimes DC4 if he refuses to walk up them resulting in a prolapse due to heavy lifting (according to my GP). I worry about getting the DCs out if there is a fire, worry about DC4 falling off the balcony (I have put netting over it) or out of a window etc. The area is very rough with screaming in the street and loud parties a common occurrence. I will not let my older DSs play outside so they stay in as we have no garden and don't get me started on the prepayment gas/electric meters which are OUTSIDE the building so when it eats £10 of gas up in a day and I have no hot water when I am naked in the shower, I have run down the aforementioned 2 flights of stairs to put on the emergency credit. We also have mould and the place is freezing.

It is an utter nightmare and I can't live like this any more with him eroding my self esteem as well and I don't want my DCs to live like this. H seems to think he is in control (I used to be a higher earner than him and made all the decisions because he wouldn't) and he is using this to control me.

H has said that he will not allow me to take his DC's away from him so I have told him I will move out then on my own. He will not be able to do his precious job without me there as he works until late at night. He has admitted he would rather work than be at home with the DCs. He will not quit his job so the DCs will come with me anyway but I want it to be in such a way that it's his decision so he can't say I took the DCs away from him iyswim.

I have found a 4 bed cottage in the Somerset for £650 pm (we are in the South East) and will have enough money saved to pay 4 months rent up front and deposit. Financially I will be better off as a SP until DC4 starts school next September and I can start work again. I really would rather H would come with us so the DCs have their dad but I will not live with his blame and vitriol. The DCs will probably be relieved.

Can I do this? Am I mad?

Ledkr Sun 17-Nov-13 22:43:13

Do it. Make a fresh start. No reason to stay as far as I can see. Waste no more time.

DevonFolk Sun 17-Nov-13 22:44:18

Don't leave the children with him if he's a horrible man with no desire to care for them. Take them with you but make it clear that lines of communication will be open. Good luck.

eightandthreequarters Sun 17-Nov-13 22:45:52

Hi OP, I have no experience in this area and just did not want to read and run. I do know that you should never leave the DC, as that decision will be incredibly difficult to defend should all this end up in court one day.

CardboardRole Sun 17-Nov-13 22:46:56

I have never been anywherenear your situation, but my god, yes, go. Your H sounds abusive, and you have the strength and wherewithall to get out, so go for it. Deal with the other stuff as it comes up, but get out now while you can. My heart goes out to you.

eightandthreequarters Sun 17-Nov-13 22:48:07

Oh, and of course you should leave him!! The Somerset plan sounds great. No one is taking the children away from anyone - if you two divorce, then contact arrangements can be sorted out via a solicitor, and he can be fully involved in his children's lives.

belledejour Sun 17-Nov-13 22:49:18

Could you move close to family or friends who might be able to help you with your 4 DCs? Also while you have enough money for rent and deposit what about living, eating, heating etc? I agree, don't leave the children with him. I think it is likely that you will bitterly regret it and he might make it very difficult for you to move back in.

minstaral Sun 17-Nov-13 22:51:50

leave make a new start here in the west country,good luck

Ruprekt Sun 17-Nov-13 22:55:01

Just do it.

Life is too short to be in such awful conditions with such a horrible man.

Your children will be so much happier too. smilesmile

killpeppa Sun 17-Nov-13 22:55:36

OP your situation sounds horrible.
Ring womens aid, it sounds scary but they are so so lovely & helpful.
They helped me leave an emotionally & financially abusive relationship with two young children.
Even if you cry down the phone they wait until you are ready.

Im so sorry for your lose & hope you can find true happiness.

keep us updatedthanks

WantToRunFarFarAway Sun 17-Nov-13 22:55:56

I don't expect it to get to the point where I actually 'leave' the DCs. He needs to see that I am serious. He makes me out to be a crazy woman and when the doubts set in, I believe him!

Thanks for the support thanks.

omuwalamulungi Sun 17-Nov-13 22:56:56

Take your children with you and leave. Their home environment sounds so unpleasant (not through any fault of yours) and you'll be so much happier that they will be happier.

I can't believe the vile things he has said to you. You ruined his life by loving him and giving him his children?

Go and don't look back. My best wishes to you.

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Nov-13 23:13:22

Never, ever leave your children. Don't even think of it for one second. Please. They are your children. They would be devastated. Yes, leave your husband, but please, please don't leave the children.

cestlavielife Sun 17-Nov-13 23:25:44

How will you pay rent after the four months?
How will contact work will you drive the dc to stay with h or will You put them on a train?
Is there a way for you to move locally even if small flat if it has outside space ground floor etc ?

Have you talked to your gp and /or counsellor ?

You should not make threats you don't intend to follow thru.. But do call women's aid and if poss see real life counsellor to talk thru realistic options.

MadBusLady Sun 17-Nov-13 23:33:30

I want it to be in such a way that it's his decision so he can't say I took the DCs away from him iyswim.

I think this is the bit you have to let go of.

He is an abusive, controlling arse, as you say, who grinds you down and references your terrible childhood experiences in the most wicked, vicious way.

He's never going to obligingly act in a way that would make the decision to leave and take the children easy for you. He's never going to "see" that you are serious.

It is to his advantage that you are tied up in knots over not wanting to be the one to "take" them. It would also be to his advantage if you left them with him.

You already have some savings and a plan flowers. Call Women's Aid and talk it through with them.

MadBusLady Sun 17-Nov-13 23:35:25

Another small point, have you considered the job market in the area you are planning to move to?

HeartVHead Sun 17-Nov-13 23:48:15

Do it. You really do have nothing to lose.

Take the kids with you, you have been brought up in an abusive home and you know your kids deserve better than that.

From what you've said, your (D)H is abusive towards you because it makes him feel better about himself to blame you for everything but he will probably fall apart and be crying like a baby for you to go back.

Make a fresh start, change the outcome for your kids and let go of this notion that you can make him thinks he has controlled the situation. Show him what you're made of and never look back.

Bogeyface Sun 17-Nov-13 23:56:05

The only problem I see with your plan of leaving is your four months rent. Do you have a good credit rating?

If not, could you save enough for 6 months rent up front? Most tenancy agreements are 6 months and if you have a crap credit reference but can pay the full 6 months up front then you will be accepted.

Also, dont forget furniture, white goods etc. You will need to be sure that when you leave you take everything you need (and are entitled to take), otherwise you need to make sure you have money in place to buy it.

I am not saying dont do it, I am saying do it, but with you in control.

This man is awful, and I think that he was probably always like this but because he was living on your higher earnings he reined it in in order to not lose his nice life. Now he is in the more powerful position, he using that to his full advantage.

sweetiepie1979 Sun 17-Nov-13 23:58:47

Just go! Do it , what a shit way to live, you have a way out. Go! With the kids

Weegiemum Mon 18-Nov-13 00:00:55

Do leave, if it's that bad.

Please don't leave your dc.

I'm actually quite glad in retrospect that my mother left me and siblings with my Dad.

But it didn't stop it fucking up my teens and twenties!

WantToRunFarFarAway Mon 18-Nov-13 00:09:49


This man is awful, and I think that he was probably always like this but because he was living on your higher earnings he reined it in in order to not lose his nice life. Now he is in the more powerful position, he using that to his full advantage.

You are correct. He was an illegal immigrant when I met him (I had no idea). He deceived me and told me he was from a different country to the one he was actually from. I had no idea of the culture (sexist) or customs in his country. I had such low self esteem from my childhood I could not believe he wanted me. I helped him get 'permanent leave to remain' here then of course a British passport when we got married. Spent hours dealing with UNHCR to get his parents out of a refugee camp and took them into my home. Was the main earner, dealt with all bills, paperwork, childcare, shopping, cleaning etc. I used to be so grateful he was with me hmm.

I always had high level jobs until we lost DD2 and then I went to pot, full of anxiety over DD1 (who also nearly died from a serious illness 3 months after we lost DD2) and did not care about a career after that. I still did everything even finding him current job. He would not even consider looking for another one in an area we can afford to live in.

It has taken me a long time wake up! I am not going to worry about the 'afterwards'. I just need to get past the moving out. Nothing can be any worse than what I have already been through and what I am going through now <<something I must telling myself>>.

WantToRunFarFarAway Mon 18-Nov-13 00:15:32

Oh god no, I will not leave my DC. That was a stupid thing to write. I would hope me leaving would make him see sense and put some importance on my role in the family. I kind of hope it would force him to come with us as I really don't want my DCs to live separately from their dad if he stays here.

Whatnext074 Mon 18-Nov-13 00:20:12

It might be an idea to request this thread is deleted and start another one for advice OP as you will continue to get responses regarding you leaving your DCs as it's in the title.

MadBusLady Mon 18-Nov-13 00:21:17

I think you need to give Women's Aid a call. I'm puzzled by why you want this man to come with you. This is about a hell of a lot more than the flat, surely. If things are as bad as you say, and you think your DC will be "relieved" by leaving, why do you think it's so important they live with their dad?

Whatnext074 Mon 18-Nov-13 00:21:52

I wish you and your DCs lots of happiness by the way after such a terrible time.

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