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Husband just admitted cheating. What now?

(74 Posts)
BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 07:54:41

Early hours of Saturday my husband came in, admitted he's been cheating on me on and off over the last two years. We have two kids a toddler and a baby. We live oversees so no family around us and a few friends. He's been lying to us all. I don't want this for my kids, but I don't know how to try to work it out.
Am I weak and giving a bad example to kids if I don't walk away.

Jan45 Wed 18-Dec-13 15:43:49

Get yourself back to the UK to people who actually care about you really. This is one vile disgusting human being, if I read right he's been at it for at least 2 years, which probably means double that.

Stay with him and I guarantee you it will all start up again once he thinks he's out the woods.

This man has no respect or love for you, go find someone who does, there's plenty nice men out there.

kittenzzz Wed 18-Dec-13 12:35:36

I followed this thread with interest as I went through something similar in the same region of the world. We're working on things. Just wondered if you LTB or are managing to work things out, OP?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sun 17-Nov-13 22:49:39

I would rather do laundry 12 hours a day than find a way to stay with a man like this

That's all there is to it really, surely ?

Laquitar Sun 17-Nov-13 18:47:19

Sorry about all the typos. I dont know what happened.

Laquitar Sun 17-Nov-13 18:45:33

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

beaglesaresweet Sun 17-Nov-13 18:35:31

I think she meant that if OP wants to stay for the sake of keeping the good liestyle, it's not worth it with a husband like this, but it came out quite abrasive.

Ahole Sun 17-Nov-13 18:31:40


That isn't really necessary is it? The references to ops maid and how op isn't paying taxes in the UK! What's your problem?

Laquitar Sun 17-Nov-13 18:12:37

'I m sorry that you dont have someone to do your laudry too'.
Oh dear. Do you think that im bitter about doing my laundry? I dont think anyone would envy you, sorry to say this.
And no need for the anger and sarcasm.

I would go back to uk and build a new life.
But thats me.
You can do what you like. You can come back to uk or you can stay there pretending that everything is ok, he was just a bit of 'silly man' .

Upsethusband Sun 17-Nov-13 17:30:31

Okay I am in a similar situation right now though my wife had an affair over a 6 month period with a work colleague who is also a good friend of mine.

I can't say what will happen to you because we're all different but we spent 4 days discussing and arguing before she went to her parents. I wish she had gone immediately. I am personally going through a wide range of emotions and feelings which change on a daily basis, you need space to get a clear head, if you can somehow do that then it might help.

beaglesaresweet Sun 17-Nov-13 17:12:50

I very much doubt that he will break the habit of 2 yrs (or more) of going to prostitutes. A one off could be realistic but it's now his way of life. So it's either the end, or an open marriage option.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 17:11:39

Oh Bk, you must be feeling all over the place.

Have you got people you can stay with in the UK?

beaglesaresweet Sun 17-Nov-13 17:11:08

what does he want though? did he say he wants to save marriage?
if not, what's there to discuss! If he wants marriage only to be with his kids, then would you be willing to have open marriage and have affairs yourself?

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 16:32:54

Laquitarthanks for that constructive criticism. I'm sorry that you don't have someone to do your laundry too. That's not really the reason we moved here...
My husband is from another country, I moved away to be with him 10 years ago in his home country. Since then we've moved with his work. It's not that I don't want to be in the Uk...and really, that's not the point here.

KatOD Sun 17-Nov-13 16:14:23

Different people find different things helpful Vivacia, I know I find like-minded venting helps me if i'm furious about something that shouldn't be belittled. That said, you're right in that he's probably not siting at home dreaming up ways to torture puppies! However, consistently deceiving your family and putting your wife's health at risk is pretty low.

Anyway OP, I hope my vitriol on your behalf wasn't distracting and I really hope you can find the support and headspace to try to navigate what's right for you.

1974rach Sun 17-Nov-13 14:39:37

bk big hug first and foremost.

Get out while you can honey. You and your dc deserve better. Your H Is not a man - he's a snake. Lowest of the low.


Lizzabadger Sun 17-Nov-13 14:39:35

It doesn't sound like there is anything there for you in the Far East.

Come home and have a think from there how you would like your life to be.

I am sorry your husband turned out to be such a total shit.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 14:38:37

Your husband is an absolutely evil, selfish, misogynistic bastard.

You see, I don't think that comments like this are helpful. "Evil"? He's probably a fairly normal person - kind to kittens, cries at The Snowman, is great with the kids and cooks a delicious curry. Labelling him as "evil" will make it very difficult for the OP to be objective. She'll be too busy thinking, "he's not evil" and focusing on the evidence for his good points. This is dangerous if it distracts her from acknowledging the damaging, hurtful aspects of his character.

ChasedByBees Sun 17-Nov-13 14:34:45

I would come back to the UK now for some thinking time. If things do get bitter between you, there is the chance he may refuse to let you return with your children.

Ahole Sun 17-Nov-13 14:29:19

What an absolutely despicable way to behave and to treat you, the mother of his children, the woman who has moved abroad for him and given up everything. This must be such a massive shock.

To me this is so much worse than an affair because he has been seeking out woman to use family money to pay to have sex with (half that sex money was yours!), and has chosen women who will put your health at risk, has disrespected you by blaming it on you and your weight gain and personal appearance and on top of that is having an affair as well!

How can a sti check when this started two years ago have protected you when you have a baby? You must have conceived after it started? I assume you didn't use contraception when pregnant? Had oral sex? How on earth can he pretend he hasn't knowingly put you at risk?!

I am sorry that you are married to such a despicable and disrespectful (not just of you but of women in general) cunt op.

What a shock to find out that not don't know your husband at all!

KatOD Sun 17-Nov-13 14:27:36

Wow, no more advice than what has already been said.

Your husband is an absolutely evil, selfish, misogynistic bastard.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 14:26:24

Paying for sex is the absolute pits. In a few days time, when the shock has worn off, Im sure the op will see there's clearly no way back from this.

Please confide in your friends too, op.

Laquitar Sun 17-Nov-13 14:22:51

yy probably the status. He buys the 'married status' wirh one woman and he buys the sex with another woman. Oh the power of money!

LIZS Sun 17-Nov-13 14:22:16

Not much help but I'd see paying for sex as just about sex Even so he voluntarily stayed all night on at least one occasion . That isn't "just sex".

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 14:18:25

Not much help but I'd see paying for sex as just about sex I see it as a damning indication of his views about women.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 14:17:46

Vivacia, i dont think op does his laundry.

Good point, but I was really trying to identify why he'd want to be in a sexless marriage with his wife who he doesn't respect. Home comforts seemed to be an obvious one.

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