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Would you throw away a 10+ year friendship if your friend called your child the R-word?

(282 Posts)
EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin Sat 16-Nov-13 09:25:27

Might cause offence, sorry.

Last night, I uploaded a daft video of my 5yo singing the Fox Song. She absolutely loves the song, and i wanted to share it with my friends and family.

She has HFA and speech/language difficulties. So many of the words weren't clear, she was looking at the side instead of at me/the camera, sounded very monotone (except for the ringdingdingdingdingdering partgrin), was flapping her hands throughout etc.

Anyway, i'm under no false illusions that it was fantastic. It was just a 5yo girl having a sing song.

One of my friends was out at the pub at the time i posted it. She has no kids, nor do the others in my circle of friends, so i doubt this will 'out me'. She commented on it with this (i've fixed the spelling, because it was all text speak which would take me forever to type out):

"Fucking hell. What is this all about? She sounds even more retarded than usual lol (i hate that 'word' almost as much as the R one!). Get this taken down before Facebook remove it for child abuse reasons haha. Check her wee hands out. She's looks like she's going to fly back to Mars any second. Only kidding. But seriously has she been down the pub tonight? She sounds pished! haha!"

I didn't notice the comment for several hours. So it was up there most of the evening. I feel mortified. Lots of other people commented saying she had gone too far etc, but she never replied again. I removed it as soon as i saw it.

Anyway, she phoned me this morning to apologise. She said she was very drunk and it was supposed to be a joke. She said that i should know how much she loves my dd and that i'm seriously over reacting. And DD will be heartbroken if i stop them seeing each other etc.

Basically, i felt like the whole time she was apologising out of duty (not out of guilt) and was making out how much i was over reacting.

We've been good friends since school. We don't get to socialise much nowadays, however, due to me being the only one in the group with a child. But i text her every few days, and call 1-2 times a week for a chat.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I almost feel betrayed. I despise that word. And her whole comment was just vile.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? She's keeps texting me stupid things like 'Hellllooooo, are you receiving me?' She's fairly immature tbh most of the time, but i think she's still drunk as well.

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 23-Nov-13 17:46:18

what a horrible manipulative friend

horrible to use the R word, against your dd and publically as well

manipulative to threaten suicide - having lost my dh to suicide just under 3 years ago sad, she is making empty threats as you said, to make you feel guilty - most people, tho obv not all, threaten for attention - those who feel that down/sad/etc just kill theirselves with no warning

glad you have decided to cut her out of your life and give your dd a special cuddle from me smile

GrandstandingBlueTit Thu 21-Nov-13 08:29:47

You've handled yourself with amazing maturity, Ewe.

I lost my Mum in my 20s, and I have to say that there is something pretty awful about using your own Mum's death as an excuse to be a total arsehole 4 years after the event.

I'm sorry for her loss, but this is clearly not about this in the slightest.

Don't let her manipulate you.

MurderOfGoths Wed 20-Nov-13 20:31:17

She's a manipulative piece of shit isn't she? If she does self harm then it's her fault, no one else can make her, she has to decide to do it, and can't blame anyone but herself.

Glad you are getting away from her, sounds like life will be less drama filled without her!

ItsBiggerOnTheInside Wed 20-Nov-13 20:28:26

Really, really pleased to read your latest update and that you are not being dragged into backtracking by her old tricks.

CookieDoughKid Wed 20-Nov-13 00:36:01

Op have faith that there are decent people around who would never act like that if drunk. Its simply disgraceful. Let her be and you get on with her toxic behaviour.

BlinkeyBlimey Wed 20-Nov-13 00:23:01

Also 'wow, just wow'.

Well done for getting rid. She needs help.

TheGonnagle Tue 19-Nov-13 22:01:20

Wow. Just wow.
Your dd sounds ace and your ex friend sounds like a difficult, manipulative loon.
Well done you!

Mumrose Tue 19-Nov-13 21:07:51

If I was in your shoes I would end the friendship. Drunk or not What she did was vile ! I am not big hearted enough to forgive someone who said that about my child !

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Tue 19-Nov-13 21:03:55


GuybrushThreepwoodMP Tue 19-Nov-13 21:03:42

You sound really lovely OP. Well done you for initiating the uni meet up too- really good idea.
Obviously it's not a surprise that your friend was dragged into it and I think you responded exactly right. Even if more of that happens, don't ever think that your friends are appealing to you because they think you're in the wrong. They just know there is no point appealing to her because she is completely irrational.
She needs to sort herself out and she is not your responsibility. If she ever did come to you having realised just how terribly she had behaved, both in her original action and, perhaps more importantly, her selfish outlook, threats and lies in the aftermath of that- perhaps then it might be worth attempting to salvage something. But until then, stand firm. You are doing the right thing. In the long run, perhaps you will be doing her a massive favour and she will begin to look onwards for the real cause of her problems.

retiredgoth2 Tue 19-Nov-13 21:02:43

The wine goes in and the truth comes out.

She's toast.

ArtsyLady Tue 19-Nov-13 21:00:49

wow I my nephew has HFA and what your friend did is so shitty, I don't think I could forgive that. sad

rhetorician Tue 19-Nov-13 21:00:42

Vile. Your lovely, wonderful dd does not need this person in her life, and neither do you. But please be sure to tell her why you are calling time on the friendship (if that's what you decided). My own dd is almost 5 and if she made fun of someone in this way, she would be in very big trouble.

tribpot Tue 19-Nov-13 20:55:01

Do all young, childless women get drunk and post hateful remarks about children on Facebook every weekend? Not noticed that myself.

The question of her alcohol abuse is not relevant to the problem she has caused - I wouldn't get drawn in to the question of whether she has an alcohol problem or not (although she clearly does have one, no-one's going to thank you for pointing it out). And she doesn't need any excuses, she needs to own the amount of damage she has caused.

Your friends need to accept that times change. Your paths really diverged long ago, when you had your dd, and good friendships will adapt to change, not reject it.

PacificDogwood Tue 19-Nov-13 20:41:05

Oh, I hope you'll have a lovely time in the lead up to Christmas smile with lots of true friends around you.

She's making all this about herself, isn't she? hmm
I'd try hard not to make mutual friends 'chose sides'; just state that you wish to distance yourself a bit.
Wrt alcohol - alcohol can be harmful well before any kind of full-blown physical addiction. Her alcohol consumption has just cost her a friendship which makes her a problem drinker. And, no, not every child-free, single woman in her 20s drinks regularly to excess...

Onwards and upwards, I am sure you and your DD will have a lovely Christmas x.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 19-Nov-13 15:59:29

"She's simply doing what all young, childless women do at a weekend. Go out and get drunk." What a load of crap. Most of my closest friends were never big drinkers even in their teens/20s.

I admit I myself was quite a big drinker in my late teens/early 20s/late 20s (grin),usually with work colleagues; I would go as far as saying I had a bit of a drink problem, and yes i could be a bit of a self-centred arse at times, but i would never behave like your ex friend. The alcohol is no excuse.

perfectstorm Tue 19-Nov-13 15:20:48

Good for you for sticking to your guns. You really don't need this nonsense - nobody does!

Bant Tue 19-Nov-13 14:19:51

well done Ewe

and if a mutual friend does express concern about her saying she'll harm herself then you can reply

'I don't want her to harm herself, I'd feel terrible if she did. Same way as I would have felt terrible if she harmed herself after her mum died, she lost her job, she got dumped, she had to buy a round.. etc etc' But she's not my responsibility anymore.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 19-Nov-13 13:00:35

Shocking behaviour. Well done for standing up to this 'friend'. A 25 year old should know better.

As GuybrushThreepwoodMP predicted, the mutual friend got dragged into this. Don't let anyone tell you that you're overreacting.

wannaBe Tue 19-Nov-13 12:57:46

these friends sound like teenagers anyway and you are well rid. threatening to harm herself? seriously she needs to get a grip.

KatoPotato Tue 19-Nov-13 12:51:47

Hey Ewe.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. It is better to get rid of the toxic people in your life.

I recently did the same, some friendship 'gardening' and chucked out a lot of weeds! I no longer have the same circle of friends but can say in all honesty have never been more content!

Are you in Scotland by any chance?

Jarlin Tue 19-Nov-13 12:50:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnyossity Tue 19-Nov-13 12:47:57

I 'm not surprised at the mutual friend's response. Groups of old friends are often like that, you are just expected to put up with the mouthy one or the drunk one because that is how it has always been.

Pennythedog Tue 19-Nov-13 12:41:24

That's great news! Don't feel bad about your former friend. You definitely have enough going on in your life without all the drama.

coppertop Tue 19-Nov-13 12:40:54

Well done, Ewe.

The mutual friend doesn't sound so great either. Expecting you to put up with the insults just so that people aren't inconvenienced at Christmas.

I hope you have a good night out. smile

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