Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My husband admits to joining adult work ??

(41 Posts)
4434natasha Thu 14-Nov-13 22:40:36

Hi I've been reading all different feed backs of husbands /partners being caught out on porn sites etc .. But mine has admitted to joining adult work to view the pictures and videos but assures me that he has not messaged anyone or interested in meeting, or enquired about escorts .
The difficult thing for me is that we've been married for just 2 weeks and have a baby on the way but still have a good sex life almost every day we have sex yet he still has to watch porn is that - normal ?? I don't have a problem with him watching poem it was just the website and the reviews I'd heard was what was worrying me ! I not sure what to think !? ��

EirikurNoromaour Fri 15-Nov-13 06:47:22

I believe that adult work is a lot more than porn. I wouldn't accept it myself. Nobody has to look at porn, it's a choice he's making. If you aren't happy with porn you have the right to say so.

RevengeWiggle Fri 15-Nov-13 06:53:30

If he wants to look at porn it's freely available all over the Internet, he doesn't need to sign up to escort websites to see it (apologies if I've misunderstood, I don't know what adult works is but am guessing from your OP!) so do you really believe that's all he was after?

Lweji Fri 15-Nov-13 06:58:38

Assuming you're ok with him watching porn or looking at pictures. I'd definitely draw my line at joining a site where he can contact people to have sex with. You cannot be sure of what he's doing there.
On the other hand if you tell him not to, can you trust him to stay out of it? That is the key factor.

Then be warned that porn desensitises men. They will need more and more and bigger thrills (not my opinion, a scientific study). So, you have to ask yourself if you are prepared for him to want less sex with you and rely more on porn or for him to start wanting to meet these people, new people.

ohtobemeagain Fri 15-Nov-13 10:36:31

Adultwork is a website for booking prostitutes - I know from bitter experience.

4434natasha Fri 15-Nov-13 10:36:36

To be honest I don't believe he was looking to meet up with anyone and he doesn't hide what he's been doing so surely if he was planning on meeting up with someone he would be a little more discreet. I say our sex life is usually every day but I'm on the first trimester of pregnancy and not felt too great just lately and so it was strained and looking at the account there is just pictures and videos on there no other evidence of speaking to anyone.. I have talked with him and told him that I'm not happy about the site he's on but don't have a problem with porn so has agreed to stop that site and only went on it as that's what he was on before ! I'm not really sure what to think or do now .. But I should at least give him the benefit of the dought that he says he'll stop an see if he does :-/

Jan45 Fri 15-Nov-13 10:57:12

If he's having sex with his partner practically every day then I'd say the porn use is a concern, why the need - unless of course he's looking for something more sexually, only he knows that. As for signing up to an escort site, well that's another concern really isn't it. It would definitely not be for me and would definitely make me feel mistrustful of him.

Hawkmoth Fri 15-Nov-13 12:17:46

Married for two weeks? Well it's certainly not my idea of honeymooning. You must feel crap. I hope he realises how shit his behaviour is.

HowlingTrap Fri 15-Nov-13 12:21:43

adultwork is prostitution and escorting, get yourself tested asap before you do anything else.

4434natasha Fri 15-Nov-13 20:05:08

I've read all the comments and feel myself finding excuses for him .. I actually feel like crap an don't know what I'm doing sad. I know he wouldn't have paid to have sex as were both a little strapped for cash an we have joint account an I would notice money going from there..
He says that normal porn sites are fake I'm being in denial I think and want to believe him I'm at my witts end with no one to talk to sad

Twinklestein Fri 15-Nov-13 20:55:16

What does he mean normal porn sites are fake? It's real porn.

I googled Adultwork - it seems to be a directory of sexwork from escorts to webcam & phonechat sex.

I don't see why 'pictures and videos' from that site would be more real than any other kind of porn? Perhaps he's into webcamming/phonechat?
That would be live I guess...

You say he's def not using escorts because you have a joint account. How much money he spending on this website? Does it tally with only watching films?

4434natasha Fri 15-Nov-13 21:32:20

God knows what he ment by real porn I seem to have jumped the gun in asking I should have found out more about it and got more details from it before confronting him. All money we have is accounted for and there's no sign of anything being paid onto it as far as I can see and he's just downloaded some videos and pictures onto his idownloader on the iPhone which is how I noticed this in the first place! There's not sign of him chatting to anyone or webcam an he's been a member since long time before we met .. I feel like I'm making excuses for him maybe I'm in denial :-/

perfectstorm Fri 15-Nov-13 21:40:14

OP, if he's been a member of a prostitutes' website from long before you met, and you're pregnant - did you both have STI checks before you stopped using condoms? Sorry to be blunt, but it seems like a sensible question I'm afraid. sad

4434natasha Fri 15-Nov-13 21:42:47

Yes both of us have been checked we went to the clinic together and and all results came back as negative

4434natasha Fri 15-Nov-13 21:43:09

Or should I say clear

mcmoonfucker Fri 15-Nov-13 21:57:03

You are uncomfortable with what he is doing, possibly even disgusted. It's more than likely he is paying for extra sex, but even if it's excessive porn use, I personally would find that odd if he's having sex with you every day.

Do you want to be married to a porn addict?
Are you completely comfortable with how porn makes you feel?
Say he's watching porn the day you've just had your baby and feeling very unattractive, would that be ok?
Does he want to 'give it up'? Or is he just saying for you to shut up and put up?
Out of interest, what is he like if you don't feel like sex?

Twinklestein Fri 15-Nov-13 21:59:32

Does he have a credit card? If he doesn't and he doesn't have another account, then perhaps he's telling the truth that he's only downloaded stuff...

4434natasha Fri 15-Nov-13 22:13:50

To be honest I think the majority of men watch or have watched porn so that wouldn't bother me so much .. . I have in the past watched porn myself! But yes your right I do think it's odd that he still watches it even with having had sex so often so maybe he does have an addiction! If I'm not in the mood for sex he does seem pretty frustrated an tends to get moody! When I confronted him about having this on his phone he didn't see what he had done wrong he said I just view the pictures and download some videos.. He said if I'm not happy with it then he will deactivate it am delete off his phone which is what he did .. He couldn't apologise enough and Aparantly didn't want to upset me! Obviously I'm telling myself what he's saying is the truth but at the back of my head and after reading advice about the site I'm still left thinking there's got to be more to it! He may have met up with people before we met .. I'm sure he hasn't since we got together we car share and I take him to and from work and we do things together in the evenings n days off! But the intensions is there sad

4434natasha Fri 15-Nov-13 22:18:07

He does have a credit card but it's maxed out and the payment he makes once cleared is withdrawn by us.. Yet the statement is always in our joint paperwork box so surely if he's doing something wrong then it would show up in the statement and there's nothing on them :-/

Twinklestein Fri 15-Nov-13 23:18:09

If you can't find any payment then he may well be telling the truth.

But if you don't like him being using that site, (& I certainly wouldn't) then he should stop whatever he uses it for.

Porn may be an addiction, but it may just be a choice...

LucyInTheSky78 Sat 16-Nov-13 08:15:20

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know exactly how you're feeling because I've been through it. Still am going through the fall out.

My H was not only constantly lying about watching porn, but was also looking up prostitutes online. I hated the poem but I couldn't help feel a new line had been crossed.
After a year of everything settling down and me believing the problem of porn had gone away, I discovered he'd been viewing prostitutes on Twitter, a woman in a city he is due to visit soon.

To cut a long story short, after constantly demanding the truth in order for our relationship to be saved, he first admitted that years ago he and his friends used to go to a brothel. The women would dance and they'd pick who they wanted.

He said it happened 6 times and the only reason he still looked at P's online was because he was curious (& also now saying he has a porn addiction). This didn't make sense to me because surely his curiosity had already been satisfied.

I continued on my demand for truth. He admitted that he looked up the website to the brothel to look for the girls he slept with in the past (in a different country where he use to live). He admitted that he used to use sites like Adult Work, would hook up with a girl on advice of others and be fascinated with linking up what others had said about her.
He admitted that he had considered going back to the brothel if he was ever back in his country visiting.

I continued down the line that I felt there was more to it and that I needed the truth before I could move on (I was lying to get the truth out of him). He then admitted to returning to the brothel when we were engaged and we were applying for a fiancé visa. He swore he didn't sleep with anyone because he loved me too much & didn't want to put my health at risk.

He lied.

I finally got him to admit he slept with a P while we were engaged. That's when I threw him out, about 2 weeks ago. I'll never know for sure if he slept with anyone here but it doesn't matter. He tells me he's a changed man. A changed man doesn't spend his time looking at prostitutes. He has no true remorse, he can't, or he wouldn't have kept looking.

I don't know your situation fully but when I posted here about my problem (before I knew he'd cheated on me when engaged), a very wise woman posted to say that the only people who look up P's are the ones using them. I didn't want to believe her but she was right.

You have a sense that there's more to it. Trust your instincts. And NEVER underestimate their ability to lie. I have been absolutely blown away at my H's lies that eventually unravelled.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this, I really am. Just be very careful. Only you can decide what to do next, whether it's to confront him again or wait until you have more evidence. My H had gotten very good at hiding his trail and was very careless at the beginning so don't take that as a sign of innocence. But eventually he slipped up.


Vivacia Sat 16-Nov-13 09:07:42

I think the majority of men watch or have watched porn so that wouldn't bother me so much Would it bother you if you knew that the majority of men don't watch porn? I don't know what proportion of men watch porn, but my partner doesn't and I wouldn't accept it if he did. I couldn't care less if he was one of a tiny minority.

I'm not sure what Adult Work is so I can't see the problem here. You're fine with him paying for sexual services, watch porn yourself, and this is more of the same.

4434natasha Sat 16-Nov-13 09:18:27

Vivacia at some point in men's life they would watch porn , clearly I'm not 100% sure of w
Hat he's doing all the time but neither are you so you can't say 100% yours don't.. I'm looking for advice not criticism !

Thankyou Lucyinthesky78 I'm sorry that you went through that ordeal and Thankyou for your advice .. It's crazy how many people are in or have been in the same boat ! Men grrrrrr sad

mcmoonfucker Sat 16-Nov-13 09:26:00

So what are you going to do about it OP?

4434natasha Sat 16-Nov-13 09:35:14

I really don't know what to do ? sad

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: