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i feel like im the one in the wrong...

(15 Posts)
wontletmesignin Thu 14-Nov-13 21:19:45

Sitting thinking about everything. myself, my kids and my relationships.

I am in my 20s and have 4 kids. I love them all dearly!
I had a shitty upbringing. Had many issues in my younger years which ive sorted out in my adult years.

What is it with me and relationships though.
My first main one, i had two kids with him. He was physically and emotionally abusive. It was on off on off for 5 years. Me trying to leave and him threatening until i went back.
5 years and i left, finally. He wants nothing to do with his kids now. After a 7 year battls trying to get him to see them, i give up.

Theb i met someone else. He was great, we got engaged and everything. No problems at all. Until i fell pregnant - which was planned. I was awful, in the end i told him i couldnt do it anymore. I dont know why. My head was messed up.
We have a good relationship stil to this day. He just never got answers out of me as to why i ended it. I honestly dont know!!

Then i met my ex...warning signs from the start. Going in huffs with me, argumentative, aggressive. Every red flag you can think of. Yet i continued...thinking i could help him. His mother was dianosed with cancer and i felt sorry for him. When he was nice he was lovely. But the huffs...ahhhh.
As some of you know, we broke up the way we did. He was emotionally abusive.

Why do i do this...why? Why do i keep picking the abusive ones and why did i kick the one who treat me right to the curb?

Maybe my ex is right. Maybe i am the one with the problems.

I dont feel as though i am, but wouldnt i be in denial if it was me

BillyBanter Thu 14-Nov-13 21:27:32

Perhaps you've just been unlucky.

On the other hand you say you had a shitty upbringing but you've sorted yourself out in adulthood, but maybe you haven't sorted it out fully? Sounds like the good guy didn't provide the drama that you associate with a relationship. He didn't display the abusive behaviours that, sub-consciously, you associate with love?

something2say Thu 14-Nov-13 21:32:45

I work in DV and see this is a lot.

Could it be around what you know to be normal?

If you had a shitty upbringing, it may be that you are only comfortable when things are like that even to this day. Shitty, controlling, chaotic, ups and downs. That feels right to you.

Something stable and loving will throw you. Or, you are finally safe enough for your baggage to realize it can come up and there would be the safety to deal with it.

My advice.

Create that safety yourself. With yourself and when someone new comes along. Slowly slowly get used to it. You'll be alright. Flowers always grow towards the sun, for it is natural and so too will you grow towards the light and comfort of normal life.

Just don't wait too long xxxx

wontletmesignin Thu 14-Nov-13 21:36:33

I think i have sorted myself out during my relationship with my ex. Confronted my parents and things, had therapy and changed my way of thinking. I think thats how i ended up seeing my ex for how he really is.

As for the good guy, what you say makes a lot of sense. I was still scarred from the physical abusive relationship when i was with him. I couldnt understand his niceness - even though that is what i want/ed!!

My parents werent nice to me, and so i suppose i wouldnt associate his niceness with love. I would associate it with my parents and PA relationship.

Hopefully now that i feel i have sorted my issues, i can only move forward. Hopefully.
It doesnt stop me feeling like a bad person though. Especially where my kids are concerned.
How messed up have i made it for them.
Although they are all happy and content, not one of then live with their father. Ultimately, that is all my fault!

I really tried to make the wrong relationships work - i really did. I feel like such a shit

something2say Thu 14-Nov-13 21:40:19

You are beating yourself up, and that is probably a pattern from your parents and abusive exes?? So stop x

You are not a bad person. You did make lifelong choices tho, from a place of not being healed, by so we all do and you sound like you are trying to make a go of things. Your children will definitely benefit from your honesty and growing capacity to love. It is a shame about their fathers tho. Do you have any other male role models for them?

And vow to always listen to your instincts. I know of nothing more likely to lead you in the right direction as you go thro life x

wontletmesignin Thu 14-Nov-13 21:45:51

You are right, i suppose. Im not really going to get anywhere by beating myself up about it. Best off trying to learn from these things. Finding out how, however...

The male role models my kids have ismy 5 year olds dad. They see him often when he picks up ds. He has been steady with it since day one.
They also have my dad. Who isnt really a bad person. I can keep him in check around my kids. He has a lot of good traits that they can learn from. Its my mother who drags him down.

Other than those two though...i dont know anyone else

wontletmesignin Thu 14-Nov-13 21:48:47

Thank you for your words and advice. I will be sure to listen to my instincts from now on.

I think km just going through a bad patch. Im usually in positive spirits. Hopefully it passes soon

passedgo Thu 14-Nov-13 21:53:13

Another thing is that the guy you kicked to the kerb, he may have been nice and everything but perhaps he still wasn't THE one. I think when you were in recovery you finally saw how it could be and went with this man who was nice to you, but perhaps you didn't truly love him and the relationship wasn't right anyway.

There are plenty of nice men out there, most people are nice - go and find them. Just because it didn't work out with the first nice man you met, doesn't mean it won't work for others.

something2say Thu 14-Nov-13 21:55:02

Don't worry about bad patches, they are like wounds and they show themselves for a reason. When they knock, let them in. Learn what to do to feel better. Let them come as often as they need to. They will go when the need goes. You have to not ignore what is wrong or when you are upset or angry, this is what normal people do.

I like the sound of the nice man by the way.

wontletmesignin Thu 14-Nov-13 22:07:13

I think with the way my relationships go - if i did find the 'one', id probably send him away anyway!

And yes, something. There will be some lesson in the way im feeling, and im sure ill find out what it is. All in good time, i suppose.
He is a really good person, something. I feel awful for how bad i was

ShedWood Thu 14-Nov-13 23:07:23

I have a theory about life which may explain your circumstances (or may just be a load of b*llocks!) but when you're feeling broken there's an inherent need to fix things.

In the same way that we can easily see faults in others whilst overlooking our own, I think that sometimes it easier to pick a person who seems to be "broken" in some way and attempt to fix them, rather than attempt to heal our own wounds.

You picked guys who were clearly no good and tried to make them better whilst pushing the decent man away, have you ever stopped to think about what kind of relationship may "heal" you?

There's a high you get from making a "bad" person "better" but it's no match for the high you get from feeling whole yourself.

Why not take some time to work on you rather than other people and see where it gets you? (and please excuse the liberal use of quotation marks, I just want to ensure that no one thinks I am insinuating that people can be entirely broken/bad/healed etc it's just an easy way to demonstrate my theory).

wontletmesignin Thu 14-Nov-13 23:20:09

Makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
I am definitely going to focus on me and my own for a long while now. I think it is needed.
I will just let things, in that sense unfold on their own.

The good guy was the one who made me feel like me. I could be myself, i had no pressure. Where as the others filled me with pressure, and i had no way of even considering being myself as it just wasnt allowed or accepted.
Maybe with the good guy, at that time, i didnt feel i deserved to be myself and so fought against the goodness that was brought about.

I dont know. Its possible. Makes sense. Would also explain why i stayed in the bad relationships, as i felt i deserved to be treat that way. Even though my mind fought against that. It was possibly an easier battle to face at the time.

Thank you for your theory :-)

Joysmum Thu 14-Nov-13 23:36:12

Maybe you don't think you deserve happiness, maybe you deliberately pick ones that won't work because you don't want it to work somehow?

Not the same thing, but this was my some of my reasons for getting and staying fat. When I realised it I was able to confront and challenge it so lost the weight and mostly kept it off as I stopped using it as a defense mechanism.

wontletmesignin Thu 14-Nov-13 23:54:08

Oh i definitely want it to work. I want to settle down. I thought i could have with my ex. For years i put everything he done down to his problems, and i was the one who was to help him. I thought it could work. But i couldnt take anymore. Perhaps, subconsciously what you are saying is right?

But would i really feel like i want to settle down, if subconsciously i didnt?

It is a very good way to look at things, whether it is the case or not.
It can only bring positivity if i work on that.

The funny thing about what you said is that i am anorexic. My eating is affected when im down or stressed.
When i am happy, my eating is fine.
So points toward what you are saying as a big possibility.

So maybe if i confront and challenge this, i will be happier and my eating will improve.

My eatinf has improved - but its still not 'normal' and that could be down to the work i have been doing. I may already be on the right track.

This whole break up thing is starting to affect me now i think. Wondering if im in the wrong. Im filled with my self doubt. Hopefully tomorrow i will be feeling better about it all

sparklysilversequins Fri 15-Nov-13 00:03:53

I think many people ARE abusive in relationships and I don't think it's necessarily anything about you except that you didn't know these behaviours were abusive and when you did you accepted them because that's mainly the relationships you've seen modelled.

I've had quite a few relationships and most of them are what would be termed abusive on here and they were but I just didn't realise it. I think it's more about making sure you are informed and emotionally healthy enough to recognise an abusive fuckwit and get rid.

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