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i am gutted the doctor wants to call social services

(273 Posts)
superdry Thu 14-Nov-13 14:04:19

i have posted previously about problems i have been having with my dh, he is abusive and threatens violence, although so far has never hit me but has pushed me, threatens to chuck me out of 'his' house etc etc.

Following advice on here i contacted womens aid, following their advice i went to see my doctor to report it, so it is officially logged - i guess for future reference if need be and also to talk about my options in terms of counselling etc.

Now doctor has just rung me and informed me they have discussed my case and the protocol is to report to social services because i have young children in the house, although i have explained they are in no way in any danger, i am absolutely gutted and bitterly regret involving the doctor.

anyone have any experience of this, or any advice much appreciated, but please not a chorus of LTBs, i can't cope with that right now and i am trying to convince DH to go on a course to sort out his issues

LifeofPo Thu 14-Nov-13 14:05:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superdry Thu 14-Nov-13 14:07:11

yes i am that someone, my children are completely safe!

LifeofPo Thu 14-Nov-13 14:08:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madlizzy Thu 14-Nov-13 14:08:10

You doctor is dead right here, as you children will be suffering from your DH's abuse of you. They are in danger of emotional and possible physical harm. So sorry, but you may find that you'll be given a stark choice between your H and your children.

HouseAtreides Thu 14-Nov-13 14:09:18

They can't just go on your word though. Much as you want them to, they can't.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 14-Nov-13 14:09:43

Please don't panic. You have been pro-active in talking to your GP. You have asked for help from the GP and WA. Social Services will not look badly on you for seeking help. They are not going to be so charitable towards your abusive DH.

AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers Thu 14-Nov-13 14:09:54

Any abuse of a mother abuses the children, because it not only traumatises them in that moment, but damages them for life. There is no course that can change your Dh - no normal, decent person has to taught how not to be abusive. If he wanted to treat you correctly, he would be doing so already. I know it is so hard to leave when you are stuck in the stressy, scary cycle that abuse creates, but, by staying with this man, you put your children in danger, even if it is not physical danger. You have a choose to stay in that situation, they don't. However sympathetic and understanding your GP or Ss are, if you choose to stay with an abuser, you become collusive in the damage his abuse of you causes them (which is so unfair on you, but it is true), so they have to act.

QuintessentialShadows Thu 14-Nov-13 14:10:29

The doctor is doing the right thing, and I am really glad you have involved him. Especially if you are living with an abusive man and wont consider leaving him to keep your children out of an environment which will harm them.

Not sure what you want anybody to advice you really, when you are stipulating you wont hear of leaving your man.

We see too many cases in the news of children harmed or neglected by their parents, and hopefully your children will not be part of that statistic if the ss is involved and you accept their help.

Anger management courses rarely work. Abusive men have a choice, it is not an illness they cant help.

MrsWolowitz Thu 14-Nov-13 14:10:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frumpypigskin Thu 14-Nov-13 14:11:37

You may not think he will physically harm them but they are watching their mother be abused.

I think your doctor did the right thing. I agree with Lifeofpo - if you are not safe, they are not safe.

Thurlow Thu 14-Nov-13 14:12:27

Your doctor is right. I'm very sorry that you are going through this, but if you're DH is violent towards you there is a chance you could be hurt badly and be incapacitated and not be able to look after the children. Even if your DH wouldn't hurt the children, he is still 'hurting' them through them witnessing you being hurt.

I am sorry, but SS is sadly the way forward.

Floggingmolly Thu 14-Nov-13 14:13:48

they are in no way in any danger. Yes they are; and doubly so because you won't admit it, and take any steps necessary to ensure their safety sad

GiantSnailFeelers Thu 14-Nov-13 14:14:32

I'm really sorry but if you are not safe then your children are not safe

They are suffering emotional abuse seeing their mother being abused

The doctor has done the right thing

but you are being proactive so that is good

make plans to leave, make sure you have cash/money somewhere, every little bit helps, tell or hint to some of your friends about the situation, so they can over help or a place to stay, get an appointment with CAB….

don't want for it to get worse, don't wait for a "real" reason to leave.

His behaviour is not at all normal or in any way acceptable.

I think you did the right thing talking to your GP, and he is doing the right thing too. Involving SS does not mean they could take kids away from you, you see, it is about keeping you AND kids safe.

If you cannot keep yourself safe (and you say you feel you have a level of control, so I assume you know how to behave so as not to piss him off…, he has got YOU under control) someone else has to (SS).

hellymelly Thu 14-Nov-13 14:16:45

I am sorry you are in such a dismal situation, but you will get a chorus of LTB and that is because it is the only sensible way forward. Maybe your DH can go on a course and change , but frankly i doubt it. I have never heard of an abusive man changing completely, and the time that would take, even if it did happen, would be time that your dcs cannot afford to give. You do need to seriously look at why the GP has had to refer you, and to think of at least having a break while your DH attemps to change through counselling. I know how hard it is when you are in the thick of a situation, and how you can become so ground down it is hard to take on any more stress, but the situation can't be good for your dcs if it is so awful for you.

superdry Thu 14-Nov-13 14:17:46

is there no-one out there who is not going to take the moral high ground on this and give me some practical inside advice, ie someone who has gone through this and what actually happens when ss are called?

kinkyfuckery Thu 14-Nov-13 14:19:00

Why will you not leave him? Why are you willing to put your children through this life, teaching them that this is acceptable?
How will your husband react if/when SS get involved?

kinkyfuckery Thu 14-Nov-13 14:19:48

I have not been through this myself, but would imagine that the best course of action is to be cooperative and honest with SS at all times.

Madmog Thu 14-Nov-13 14:20:06

I think you Doctor is obliged to report the matter. Under Child Protection I understand it's considered to be abuse (and I know you have no easy control over this) if children as in the house at the same time while there is physical or mental abuse going on as it causes can cause trauma for them.

I know you're not in an easy position. Fingers crossed your husband will agree to give the course a try. Have you tried discussing with him (when he is calm) what makes him feel like he does. Sometimes understanding can help. It might be worth speaking to Citizens Advice or Womens Aid again and asking what your options are though in case this continues. Also, if Social Services do get in touch, they are there to help not judge.

Madlizzy Thu 14-Nov-13 14:20:25

It's not about taking the moral high ground, it's about the safety of you and your children. Honestly, people aren't having a go at you, just concerned that you don't see what the problem is here.

Fairylea Thu 14-Nov-13 14:22:20

Ss will expect you to be able to prove the children are not at risk and to show that you are putting them first. This will mean removing yourself and the children from any contact with your dh while investigations take place .... and quite rightly so.

How can you be so sure he would not hurt the dc when he is hurting you? He should love and protect all of you. Surely you can see that you cannot trust him.

You need to leave. If you don't ss will see you as failing to protect your children. They should not have to live in a violent household.

QuintessentialShadows Thu 14-Nov-13 14:22:38

What do you think SS is going to do when you insist on standing by your man, instead of protecting your children?

AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers Thu 14-Nov-13 14:23:09

It's not the moral high ground, it's the TRUTH. If you won't leave an abuser, you are both putting your children at risk. If you want to know what will happen if Ss get involved, well, know that if you won't eave an abuser, they may well have no other recourse but to remove your children from you. Your loyalty should be to them, not your Oh, and not your own fear.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 14-Nov-13 14:24:00

What were you hoping would happen when you spoke to your GP exactly?

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