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Partner won't provide for our family

(84 Posts)
goldilocksuk Thu 14-Nov-13 08:59:23

Hi everyone,
I am a regular reader of this forum but have finally plucked up the courage to post. Sorry it's a long one:

My partner and I have two children together (twins) who are under 1yr, and basically my issue is his refusal to provide for our family. He works for himself, as he always has done, and makes next to no money doing so these days, at one point he was earning good money (when I met him) but not for a long time now. From the day I was first unexpectedly pregnant, I have begged for him to pack in his self employed work and get a job that brings in a steady income for us, to which he ended up agreeing this needed to be done, and even sat with me whilst I wrote up his CV and applied to jobs for him (I had to do it as he said he had no idea what he was doing). Long story short, calls and emails came in from agencies etc. but he never told me about them and instead said he’d not heard back from anyone, until one day I saw him open his emails and there was one from someone offering him an interview, which by then he had missed the deadline to attend.

All I can say is he’s too proud, lazy and has been spoilt, he went to a top UK university and his parents paid his way, and his father worked 6/7 days a week to provide him with a good life. He was never forced to get a job like I was, he doesn’t know what it’s like to have to get up early in the morning to go out and earn. Even now caring for our children rests on me whilst he has a lie in until 12pm each day, he ‘works’ late with his business so that’s his excuse for lying in, and I prefer him out of the way so give up trying to get him up in the mornings with us. He is also very proud and hates to admit that his self employed business that he has bragged about doing to jealous friends whilst they slogged away in their jobs is now not a viable option any more. He has never had to work a proper day in his life. He had it good at one point, when it was only him to provide for, he'd make enough money to have a good lifestyle and he could wake up whenever he wanted and choose what days he worked (if any) each week. His work is now dwindling, he makes next to no money any more and as he’s worked for himself and it’s not a real career he doesn’t really have any real experience to get a job with, so going into a job now he doesn’t have much to show what he’s done for the last X amount of years, and he’s almost 30.

I feel ridiculous writing something like this and asking for help. I never pictured myself being with someone who would not do anything and everything to provide the best life for their children. My dad was such a hard worker and provided for 4 children and a wife. Now I know I’ll probably get responses telling me to get rid of him, etc. and it does cross my mind a lot in moments of anger and frustration. But there are children involved who love him, and he is a fantastic father and I do love him, even though at the moment our relationship is severely strained – there is no intimacy between us, (we dtd maybe twice since I gave birth Dec '12), and it is rare we do anything together, even though we are under the same roof 24/7.

To add to that strain we moved back in with my parents in May 2013 as I knew we couldn’t afford to keep renting and he promised me it would only be for a few months whilst he earned money for us to move out again. Now it’s nearly December and we are still here and with no signs of moving out, I have managed to save but he has saved nothing. I buy everything our children need with the child benefit I get whilst he pays for shopping with the little money he earns each week from his work, and sometimes delves into our joint account so our savings are diminishing (I do have separate savings though). I have been job hunting for him as I have told him he has to work now, and I found one job the other day that basically paid nothing and was part time, and he said that sounded like the ideal job for him as it was part time and when I said he'd be earning practically nothing he didn't seem bothered, which to be honest angered me so much. Why does he have no drive to provide for his family? We will never be able to get a mortgage if he doesn’t work- a while back he said to mutual friends how once I went back to work I could get a mortgage in my name for us! I feel like I’m expected to work but not him! As for marriage, there is no way we can have the wedding I dreamed of unless I pay for it when I’m earning again, which I refuse to do.

I’m so fed up I don’t know what to do any more, every time I approach the subject he just sits there as though he’s deaf and doesn’t respond, or says he will do something about it and doesn’t!!! I know once I return to work, I will not be able to be with him if he doesn’t also provide. I also know I will have to apply to jobs for him or it won't happen, which is tiring when you've got twins to look after too.

Any ideas how I can get it through to him that I’ve had enough?

Thank you for reading if you got this far! smile xxx

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX Fri 15-Nov-13 21:58:17

Most business men and women spend years doing full-time jobs in order to survive whilst they are building their business on the side. They do not give up full time work until the business is sustainable or that they need more time to concentrate on the business once the ground work has been done. They will also do all sorts of jobs when money is tight just to keep their families going. It is not an either or situation. If he is serious about his business tell him to read Robert Kyosaki (think that's how you spell his name) Rich Dad Poor Dad. If I remember correctly RK sold photocopiers on commission. The idea was the more photocopiers he sold the more money he could invest in his business.

Having said all that, I still think he is having an affair.

CookieDoughKid Fri 15-Nov-13 12:21:50

Please pm me if your dh would like to speak to another man who has been in his shoes. It might help to speak to another businessman or woman to get a sense of perspective. There are numerous definitions of vocational success of which having a business or being self employed is just one. It took 3years for my dh to cut his losses and lose best part of a house deposit in business debt. The only only reason why he changed was because he lost something meaningful to him. His family. Not money .

CookieDoughKid Fri 15-Nov-13 12:15:30

Hi OP. I think you need to realise you're enabling his behaviour and his lifestyle. Yes, he's not taking responsibility but he's still and is getting away with not bringing the bread in.

There is nothing you can say or do to change HIM but there's a lot you can do to change your situation. These entrepreneural types are too proud and selfish and tbh, they do not get it. He is stuck in bachelor lala land. I have posted b4 here on my situation and have been with a partner who he did not provide income for 3years and fell pregnant exactly as you.

This is what I did whilst living with my partner and subsidising him:
I went back to work and became the breadwinner.
I got a full-time aupair in and two nurseries and i was fortunate enough to be earning and paying for really expensive childcare and all the bills etc.


Because he could have got a job any Paying job or he could have. been a sahm dad which both be refused to do.

It was only THEN when be lost everything he came to his senses (and got a proper job and a really really good one at that!!!).

You're in for long rocky hard road. I have posted before my husbands comments but basically he was too tunnel vision at the time in saving his business to even hear me or see me let alone see the neglect on his family.

I believe this is what's happening with you.

Good luck OP.

AnandaTimeIn Fri 15-Nov-13 11:57:28

I sometimes go to bed around 4 a.m. Still up around 9 in the morning though.....

I really wonder how your parents put up with him lying in his bed till midday in their house.

HelloBoys Fri 15-Nov-13 11:39:25

oh someone else I know (friend of stepdad) - their family helped the husband out and wife's family helped DW out - they never had a high standard of living but there was support. husband worked contracts, bit work here and there specialist etc.

BUT that only works if there is other family willing to support financially etc - these people have a house (bought, mortgage or mortgage paid off etc) BUT the husband has to work now at say 60 whereas my stepdad is retired at 60 (civil service). The family on both sides (but wife's) were willing to help both ways (financially and morally and IRL) but they'd both agree IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY. do you really want that?

flippinada Fri 15-Nov-13 11:34:34

She does make reference to returning to work so I understood that to mean she has a job to go back to?

HelloBoys Fri 15-Nov-13 11:32:12

oh and one of the people I know - dad is scriptwriter that is what he WANTS to do and has done in spare time but he has a well paying or decent paying job because he HAS TO PROVIDE for his family. wife has her own business but supports her DH re the scriptwriting.

and I think deep down the DH in this case (my friend) knows his other career won't really take off but he does it in spare time.

HelloBoys Fri 15-Nov-13 11:30:19

Have skim-read through this - I know a few people who are in almost similar positions but in the end (not sure how it happened) either the mother/father isn't working/semi working and scraping along OR the mother/father has a proper job and the pipe dream is a pipe dream.

I think in a sense Relate would help (if he'd do it) and a time limit of maybe IDK a year or so? this is if OP's DP/DH agrees to this. if after that things are still not improved then tell him to sling his hook and OP gets on with things herself. It sounds as if she's fed up already. I'd actually be FURIOUS with him missing interviews etc and living in cloud cuckoo land.

Also from my experience of people like this - they do not change. ever. just carry on (like he's done) in their own merry way. I don't know as she's not married what rights she'd have re maintenance but then again he doesn't work. thank god they don't own a house together.

I'm almost tempted now to backtrack and say kick him to the curb.

Lweji Fri 15-Nov-13 11:29:26

Actually, nothing was very clear, and I think I asked her about her job situation earlier on, but she didn't reply.
Somehow I assumed he was working at home, but it's not clear at all either.


flippinada Fri 15-Nov-13 11:28:02

Are you reading a different thread to everyone else Blossom?

She makes reference to her work at least once in the original post.

Blossomflowers Fri 15-Nov-13 11:23:04

There are a lot of assumptions going on here, if OP came back to the thread then it would be clear. Not saying her DP does not sound like an ass and irresponsible, but in my mind it should not just be down to the man to earn. I know nothing about maternity leave, went back to work when my DS was a few weeks old as had no choice.

QuintessentialShadows Fri 15-Nov-13 10:51:23

OP says "He was never forced to get a job like I was, he doesn’t know what it’s like to have to get up early in the morning to go out and earn. "

I assume she has a job.

wellieboots Fri 15-Nov-13 10:24:31

blossom the OP has 2 babies who are under a year old. No, I don't think she specifically mentions the words "maternity leave" but given the age of her babies and the fact that she mentions returning to work several times in her posts, I had assumed maternity leave.

Regardless of the semantics OP, I cannot BELIEVE that your DP is so uninvolved in your and your DC's lives. My DD was 1 this week so a bit older but my DH gets her up every morning, does her breakfast, before he goes to work. We are both up from whenever she is up. The idea of him staying in bed until 12 is just crazy to me. And I only have 1 baby. My DB and DSIL have twins, who have just turned 2 this week. My DB is very hands on with the girls and I think if he wasn't my SIL would have a lot to say about it!

chalkythecat Fri 15-Nov-13 10:14:05

He's not adding a lot of value is he really?

I'm sorry, I would find it easier on my own (as I would probably end up having to kill him).

He has responsibilities and needs to start earning enough money to keep you all afloat/in your own property. Yes, he is lazy and I know someone exactly like him who just whinges that he never earns enough but never does anything about it. I ignore him now.

flippinada Fri 15-Nov-13 10:10:44

She does Blossomflowers. In her first post, towards the end - "when I return to work". She also mentions savings.

Blossomflowers Fri 15-Nov-13 10:01:50

I don't think the OP ever said she was on maternity leave and she seems to have left the thread, possibly a bit shocked that people are not laying the blame at her DP's feet. If I am wrong then sorry.

wellieboots Fri 15-Nov-13 09:49:36

Joymum I don't think the OP is a SAHM, I think she is on mat leave (she has twins who are 1 in December so that is a reasonable assumption and it fits with what she has said.

Joysmum Fri 15-Nov-13 09:45:43

Ah, my sincere apologies then to the op blush

flippinada Fri 15-Nov-13 09:35:56

I think the op mentioned that she was on maternity leave Joysmum. So she already has a job.

Joysmum Fri 15-Nov-13 09:05:53

Why wouldn't you look for work? There's a lot about what he's not doing but you don't seem to be willing to shoulder any if the responsibility yourself.

I am a SAHM because that's how it worked out for us but when we first got together I did 60 hours in a factory to fund his apprenticeship (as an investment in our future) despite having great qualifications. He has supported me in going to uni as a mature student. We both take the hit in household income for me to not be in paid employment and support our family.

If we were in the shit now then we'd BOTH look for work to support the family. Being a SAHM is not a right, it's something we can do if circumstances allow. The circumstances didn't allow either of my parents to not go out to work, in fact my dad worked 3 jobs with shorter hours and my mum worked long hours for her career until things got more manageable again. The onus is not on the man to provide.

So you can moan about your hubby or shoulder some of your responsibilities other than being a mother.

bringbacksideburns Fri 15-Nov-13 08:25:38

I think instead of making excuses for him you should be thinking what affect this is having on your poor parents. You have now been living there for six months with twin babies. So not only is he taking the piss out of you he is now taking it out of them aswell.

Have you rung his father or family and asked them to have a word? Where is his pride? He may have massive self esteem problems yada yada but at the end of the day you also say he has been spoilt and it shouldn't be you organizing job searches and applications for him.

Your options are he goes to live with his family and you have a spell apart so he realises you won't put up with it any more and your parents get a breather too.
You get him to care for his children whilst you go back to work.
He gets a job and finds you all a place to live.

I'm incredulous you've put up with this for so long. I think there is nothing more deeply unattractive than a lazy partner who doesn't really work.
I wish you luck because you are going to need it. You would think having twins would have been the kick up the arse he needed to grow up but sadly it doesn't sound like it.

Onefewernow Fri 15-Nov-13 08:24:17

He is a third baby in the house. Subsidised by your parents now, instead if his.

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX Fri 15-Nov-13 08:16:04

I was assuming something in nightclubs.

IDontDoIroning Fri 15-Nov-13 08:12:39

Something with IT

IDontDoIroning Fri 15-Nov-13 08:12:06

What is his job ? What job entails staying up till 4 am unless it's online gambling, share dealing ( both unlikely to provide a steady income) or doe thing with it and remote working etc which should. Or web cam work which I don't know if men do and if it pays well.

It sounds or me as if his job is more if a hobby which he could still do while working a proper job. The truth is he prefer to do this because it gives him the excuse not to get up in the morning with your dt etc etc.
I suppose while you are living in your dps house he is insulated from the reality of running a household and all the costs so he needs a dose of reality to discuss how your are going to be able to finance running a house of your own.
have you had a conversation about what you are going to do about childcare when you return to work ?

I have lost count of the posters who describe their total waster / cocklodger partner as a good dad because the children "adore him" wake up OP they are going to do that anyway he's their dad. If he really cared about them he would step up. It takes more than making an odd meal or playing with them once on a while to be a good dad.

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