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Partner won't provide for our family

(84 Posts)
goldilocksuk Thu 14-Nov-13 08:59:23

Hi everyone,
I am a regular reader of this forum but have finally plucked up the courage to post. Sorry it's a long one:

My partner and I have two children together (twins) who are under 1yr, and basically my issue is his refusal to provide for our family. He works for himself, as he always has done, and makes next to no money doing so these days, at one point he was earning good money (when I met him) but not for a long time now. From the day I was first unexpectedly pregnant, I have begged for him to pack in his self employed work and get a job that brings in a steady income for us, to which he ended up agreeing this needed to be done, and even sat with me whilst I wrote up his CV and applied to jobs for him (I had to do it as he said he had no idea what he was doing). Long story short, calls and emails came in from agencies etc. but he never told me about them and instead said he’d not heard back from anyone, until one day I saw him open his emails and there was one from someone offering him an interview, which by then he had missed the deadline to attend.

All I can say is he’s too proud, lazy and has been spoilt, he went to a top UK university and his parents paid his way, and his father worked 6/7 days a week to provide him with a good life. He was never forced to get a job like I was, he doesn’t know what it’s like to have to get up early in the morning to go out and earn. Even now caring for our children rests on me whilst he has a lie in until 12pm each day, he ‘works’ late with his business so that’s his excuse for lying in, and I prefer him out of the way so give up trying to get him up in the mornings with us. He is also very proud and hates to admit that his self employed business that he has bragged about doing to jealous friends whilst they slogged away in their jobs is now not a viable option any more. He has never had to work a proper day in his life. He had it good at one point, when it was only him to provide for, he'd make enough money to have a good lifestyle and he could wake up whenever he wanted and choose what days he worked (if any) each week. His work is now dwindling, he makes next to no money any more and as he’s worked for himself and it’s not a real career he doesn’t really have any real experience to get a job with, so going into a job now he doesn’t have much to show what he’s done for the last X amount of years, and he’s almost 30.

I feel ridiculous writing something like this and asking for help. I never pictured myself being with someone who would not do anything and everything to provide the best life for their children. My dad was such a hard worker and provided for 4 children and a wife. Now I know I’ll probably get responses telling me to get rid of him, etc. and it does cross my mind a lot in moments of anger and frustration. But there are children involved who love him, and he is a fantastic father and I do love him, even though at the moment our relationship is severely strained – there is no intimacy between us, (we dtd maybe twice since I gave birth Dec '12), and it is rare we do anything together, even though we are under the same roof 24/7.

To add to that strain we moved back in with my parents in May 2013 as I knew we couldn’t afford to keep renting and he promised me it would only be for a few months whilst he earned money for us to move out again. Now it’s nearly December and we are still here and with no signs of moving out, I have managed to save but he has saved nothing. I buy everything our children need with the child benefit I get whilst he pays for shopping with the little money he earns each week from his work, and sometimes delves into our joint account so our savings are diminishing (I do have separate savings though). I have been job hunting for him as I have told him he has to work now, and I found one job the other day that basically paid nothing and was part time, and he said that sounded like the ideal job for him as it was part time and when I said he'd be earning practically nothing he didn't seem bothered, which to be honest angered me so much. Why does he have no drive to provide for his family? We will never be able to get a mortgage if he doesn’t work- a while back he said to mutual friends how once I went back to work I could get a mortgage in my name for us! I feel like I’m expected to work but not him! As for marriage, there is no way we can have the wedding I dreamed of unless I pay for it when I’m earning again, which I refuse to do.

I’m so fed up I don’t know what to do any more, every time I approach the subject he just sits there as though he’s deaf and doesn’t respond, or says he will do something about it and doesn’t!!! I know once I return to work, I will not be able to be with him if he doesn’t also provide. I also know I will have to apply to jobs for him or it won't happen, which is tiring when you've got twins to look after too.

Any ideas how I can get it through to him that I’ve had enough?

Thank you for reading if you got this far! smile xxx

Roussette Thu 14-Nov-13 10:36:24

Hmmm.... does he play online poker or something till 4am... that's all I can think of..

I am sure he does love your twins and spend time with them, and so he should! Does he really really have low self esteem about getting a job because your original post suggests otherwise. Surely being offered interviews would boost his morale? (but then ignoring them doesn't sound like he is engaged in wanting to find a job). Well... the dream of working for himself might be just that... a dream. He needs to get out into the real world and see what it's like doing a regular day's work... day in day out... then when he has learnt the work ethic he could think again on working for himself...

Sorry to sound harsh but honestly, it's ridiculous... my DCs have had jobs since they were both 15 and you have to learn a work ethic and it sounds like he hasn't.

Thumbwitch Thu 14-Nov-13 10:38:58

Of course your twins love him! Children usually love their fathers, even when said fathers are utter shitbags! that's why the poor things get so upset when said shitbags don't pay them any attention or, if separated from their mum, don't bother to see them regularly or let them down over and over again.

Please don't measure how good or bad a father he is on how much your babies love him.

Jan45 Thu 14-Nov-13 10:41:32

God, his parents did a good job on him huh, does he actually take responsibility for anything in his life - if he can't now step up to the plate with twins and a wife I'm afraid you're flogging a dead horse, he will never change, unless of course, you make it quite clear you've had enough and mean it, and stop doing job applications for him, if he can't do a simple thing like that then why are you wasting your time, do you want a third child cos that's what he is.

bestsonever Thu 14-Nov-13 10:46:52

While he does come across as a hopeless case in many ways and ultimately you may need to end things for the good of your family, it has not escaped me that you seem to have a very traditional attitude yourself towards the man being the one who provides for his wife and family. Surely, in this day and age it is eaqually both parent's responsibility to provide for their children. I don't hear you mention working yourself yet apart from to say that it would be wrong somehow for you to do so and provide for everyone else. Is that not what you are expecting of your DP though?
Sounds like you grew up in a traditional family where dad worked hard to provide, as did I, but times change and we all need to adapt. If women are to be seen as equal, then they need to take on the traditional male working role model, much as men need to find a new love for housework so that we have time for more work.

ThePost Thu 14-Nov-13 10:50:44

But what's the point of working til 4am each day if he's not actually earning anything? Unless of course it gives him a great excuse to be out of the house and not helping or contributing to family life.

Jan45 Thu 14-Nov-13 10:57:57

Having traditional values, like most of us do have because that's our history does not equate to a lazy ass lying in bed every day until midday, nor does it equate to a partner earning pretty much nothing from a business that is not making any money.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 14-Nov-13 11:26:33

Go back to work and swop your dp for tax credits.

He can look after the twins while your at work.

Viviennemary Thu 14-Nov-13 11:31:02

I think you should live apart for a while. He needs to understand that he has to contribute towards household costs and he isn't doing that at the present time. Is the problem because he is quite happy with the way things are and you're understandably not happy. But if you come to an agreement that he will be a SAHD and you will work then that's different. But it has to be agreed between you both.

Blossomflowers Thu 14-Nov-13 11:43:52

If he such a good dad then what is wrong with you going to work and earning the money OP. He could also continue his hobby/job part time. You chose to have kids so one of your needs to support your family.

LadyInDisguise Thu 14-Nov-13 11:54:50

When in a couple you talk about one partner being a SAHP, it has to be a joint decision.
Culturally we are very much used to have the dad being out at work and providing whilst the mum is the SAHP. It doesn't gave to be that way As long as both parties are happy about it.

However it looks like your DH isn't really taking responsibility for being a dad and responsible for 2 little people. Unfortunately it's not just about him anymore. It's also about you, the dcs and the family. So his dreams of being self employed might have to wait until you are financially more stable.
Did he say why he never went to the interviews? Is he scared? He just doesn't want to?

Twinklestein Thu 14-Nov-13 11:56:40

He's a lousy dad OP. Playing with the children when he's at a loose end & sometimes making meal does not make a good father.

He's basically a spoilt entitled child whose behaviour you are enabling.
He is expecting you to bankroll his lifestyle for life.

Why do you want to live like this?

Twinklestein Thu 14-Nov-13 11:59:49

A father should be a role model. Your children's relationship model is a ligger sponging of their mother...

kennypowers Thu 14-Nov-13 13:47:32

A bit of perspective from a dad (one DS aged 6) for you...
I work full time and am currently due to be made redundant mid-December.
I'm first up every morning, make breakfast/packed lunches for us all while my wife gets ready for work. I take DS to school and then go to work myself (luckily I have flexible working hours).
In addition, I take my son out every weekend to various activities (anything from going to the park to drum lessons to visiting family and friends).
I started looking for a new job in the summer because I had an idea redundancies were coming up.
I've seen my redudancy package today and it is very generous - enough for us to not have to panic (if I don't get anything new) until March time next year.
As well as permanent positions, I've been applying for temporary work, well below my pay grade, over Christmas 'just in case'.
I have an interview this afternoon and potentially two next week. Even if I get the job today, I'm still planning on doing the other two interviews - I could potentially have the choice of three jobs.
I'm not looking for praise about my efforts to find a job, or the time I spend with my son, or sympathy for my redundancy because...
...THIS IS WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING IN ORDER TO PROVIDE FOR MY FAMILY. And it's what you're other half should be doing too.
Best of luck to you and your kids.

gigglestar Thu 14-Nov-13 14:03:11

He has no drive to provide because he has always been provided FOR. He sounds like a lazy,spoilt,entitled brat who needs to man up!

If he's led an insulated life and never HAD to work (i.e 'work' is just enjoying a hobby) then he literally has no idea of what it means/takes to look after and provide for others. His life has always been about him-and looks like it will continue to be.

You need to stop enabling him. I know you think you're helping him by doing his job search for him-but you're only feeding that 'yea,let someone else take care of it' attitude he's got. Funny how his 'pride' stops him seriously looking for employment but doesn't affect him living at your parents house!

Not much chance of him changing,not when his attitude is 'OP can take responsibility for a mortgage etc when she goes back to work'!!! He has no desire to be a parent or a partner-he just wants another mummy-figure to look after and provide for him.

Sorry-but i'm with the majority,he needs to ho and sort his head out. He won't do it whilst you keep providing for him.

Catnap26 Thu 14-Nov-13 14:10:44

I don't necessarily think kicking him to the curb is the answer not defending him because he does come across as being quite lazy but he clearly had a dream of working for himself and is actually probably finding it very difficult to give up that dream particularly as it went well for a while.he is likely waiting and hoping (wrongly so) for things to 'pick up' therefore putting the 'job hunt' off.

I would say that you sit down and have a very stern talk to him expressing your concerns and explain that as a family you can't carry on like this.

gigglestar Thu 14-Nov-13 14:12:10

Oh-about the lack of expperience in jobs etc....a lot of STAHM have been out of the workplace for a long time and have no 'relevant' skills/experience-but they manage to find jobs and build on them! Your dp has the advantage of running his own 'business',so it will be interesting to see what skills it has taught don't need special skills to file papers and flip burgers. There is nothing that you cannot learn how to do.

He knows he's going to inherit a lot of money when his parents pass on so he's not worried about his future. You should be worried about yours and your childrens...cos i have a feeling he won't be sharing that inheritance with you once he gets his hands on it!

Blossomflowers Thu 14-Nov-13 14:14:51

BUT giggle several people have asked if the OP if she is working but she has not responded. To me it sounds like either of them have much pride. There is no reason why OP cannot work and he becomes a SAHD. It seem some people on here think we are living in the 50's. Woman have worked hard to become equal.

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 14:42:21

Yes the OP can go back to work and her P can be a SAHD....if he can be bothered to get out of bed in the morning.

Blossomflowers Thu 14-Nov-13 14:46:46

flip he would not have much to choice to get out of bed with 2 little twins jumping on his head grin

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 14:47:48

Goldilocks apologies if you've already answered this one, I may have missed your answer - how do your parents feel about subsidising your partner?

gigglestar Thu 14-Nov-13 14:49:46

I agree-OP could go to work...but is her dp fit to be a STAHD? Doesn't sound like it.

In OP's shoes i would tell dp he either mans up or moves out-i would refuse to mother him.

I can't understand why OP seems to want to stick to the 'traditional' way of doing things when she went the non-traditional route in having a family. Those babies need a responsible parent so it's time to suck up that pride and get on with the job of providing for them.

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 14:50:41

That's true. But he doesn't seem to be very responsible, does he (going on what op has written)?

He can barely look after himself, is he capable of caring for two babies.?

Kewcumber Thu 14-Nov-13 15:07:31

As for marriage, there is no way we can have the wedding I dreamed of unless I pay for it when I’m earning again, which I refuse to do.

You dream of marrying this prince who doesn't want to have sex with you?! shock

As a single working mother I would say you aren't any better than him. Neither parent seems to be trying to earn a living wage. One of you needs to step up to the plate and start acting like a grown up and provide for their children. If it wasn't for your parents I guess you'd all be living in one room in a B&B.

Stop looking at him and sit down together like adults and discuss how to manage your lives, share teh childcare and share the money earning.

Noregrets78 Thu 14-Nov-13 16:46:00

OP just be careful of going back to work and deciding that your DP will be a SAHD. Bear in mind the future - if you're unhappy now, how will you feel if you subsequently split up, and your DP is deemed main carer? I think I'm right that you're currently on maternity leave - that makes you the main carer at the moment.

cestlavielife Thu 14-Nov-13 16:53:20

he cant stay up til 4 am with twin babies to look after. unles s it is as you say proper job earning proper money
no reason why you cant be th main earner - if he also pulls his weight.
if you chuck him you wil have to earn money anyway

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