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What should I do??

(45 Posts)
Ships699 Wed 13-Nov-13 19:39:17

I'm torn between what I think I want to do, and what the rest of my family want me to do.

I've been married for 13 years and have two DDs, 9 and 5.
I don't love my DH anymore. We've never been very affectionate and live separate lives in the same house. We have separate bank accounts and never spend time together.
DH is financially much better off than me and is careful with his money. We have a central account for direct debits and we pay the same amount in each month.
We have drifted apart and I always thought I could never have the confidence to go it alone. I've lost a lot of weight and am getting fed up of not feeling loved or appreciated. He collects the kids from his mums and comes home with them and cooks the tea for when I come in from work. We don't argue but don't have any affection or time for each other.
I've tried to reignite things as have tried hugging him and having sex.... Thinking the more I do this, the more I will love him, but just end up feeling empty. I feel so sad at how things have turned out.
My parents think I should put up with my lot and stay married. I'm scared of the financial consequences and the effect a separation will have on the DDs, but I feel like I can't live forever like this. I feel lonely but selfish for wanting out. I've told him about a month ago that I want a divorce and he was hysterical and told our eldest DD, and she was hysterical too. I keep thinking I only have one life.... And im crying as I type this as I feel so desperate.

Lulu1083 Wed 13-Nov-13 19:42:45

He told a 9 yr old? How disgustingly manipulative. Poor you. I think you should do what feels best for you, and do it now for the sake of your dd, at least she'll only have to go through it once instead of everything settling down then happening again in say, a year.

Have you talked to him about making any changes?

CinnamonShortcake Wed 13-Nov-13 19:44:28


don't waste your life. Dc Will understand later on life . you've given it your all. You've tried. X

Madamecastafiore Wed 13-Nov-13 19:47:57

Think about 20 years in the future. You are sitting watching your DDs with their husbands. There is no joy, no causal laughter, no stolen kisses, no brushing of hands when passing each other or pats on the bottom and cheeky winks. You never catch them embracing, they don't hold hands walking down the street.

Now where did they get the idea that this soulless relationship is the norm???

FluffyJumper Wed 13-Nov-13 19:56:31

I can't believe he told your DD. That is beyond the pale!

Cabrinha Wed 13-Nov-13 20:12:11

Madamecastafiore that what such a big part of why I recently left when I did! The timing, rather than the reason. I had been convincing myself that although he was a nasty prostitute using sack of shit, it was nice for my daughter to have her parents together. Then I thought about just that scenario, cried my heart out. That made me cry more than what my bastard of an ex did.

OP, everyone needs affection. It's OK to leave if you want to.

ruddynorah Wed 13-Nov-13 20:15:59

Leave him. I left my utterly dull unhappy marriage and now have a lovely new life. My ex lives just a few streets away and sees the children a lot so they don't miss him as such. You have one chance in life.

Vivacia Wed 13-Nov-13 20:16:09

When I read this bit, I've tried to reignite things as have tried hugging him and having sex I was going to ask if you'd tried to talking to him, and if you had, what was his response?

However, when I read this, I've told him about a month ago that I want a divorce and he... told our eldest DD I changed my mind.

Corygal Wed 13-Nov-13 20:19:15

He's a nasty little bitch. LTB.

Joysmum Wed 13-Nov-13 20:44:42

I can relate to this, but from the point if view of the child.

My mum stayed with my dad for my sake. She left him when I moved out at 18. I knew she'd leave and when she did my dad called in a right state and told me there wasn't any point in going on anymore. I moved back in with him (mum had moved out) to get him through as I was so worried but within 6 weeks he'd got into a relationship!

I was always aware she was unhappy. I felt guilty for a long time that she'd stayed for me and not had much of a life. She was so happy after she left but in hindsight I realise she stayed because she wasn't ready to leave, whatever she said at the time.

If she'd have been ready to leave she should have gone. I don't believe in staying together for the children because the parent marriage is what the children see marriage as. I certainly wouldn't want my daughter seeing a loveless marriage as normal or acceptable for her. She deserves better.

Ships699 Wed 13-Nov-13 20:47:02

He says he loves me when I explained how I feel but I feel miserable and I know if it wasn't for the DDs, I would have left years ago. I know he doesn't deserve to be heartbroken and I feel awful for putting him and the DDs through a separation and moving home. I need to look into the legalities of who moves out etc. as I think he will play it very awkward and refuse to move to make things harder for me as I will be "the bad one" in all this. Sometimes I think I'm just being selfish and should put up with this forever, but then I panic as I know I want more from my life. What a mess :'(

Vivacia Wed 13-Nov-13 21:26:20

He says he loves me when I explained how I feel His actions don't sound very loving.

Minime85 Wed 13-Nov-13 21:41:52

you need to sit down together calmly and have a sensible adult conversation about all on this. I you sure this is what u really want? just be sure before that's the final decision and things are said that can't be taken back. sometimes the hurt that is caused by them is too great.

oneofusisright Wed 13-Nov-13 22:09:39

Shipps699, I feel just like you do, I met my dh when I was 19 and I have cried so much over the last 4 years when I think of how much we were in love and how distant we are today. I have two boys 9 & 11 and feel that I cant keep living with the loss of love and affection or the way dh makes me feel unattractive. I nagged him to get a book on romance, which he did but admitted that he couldn't be bothered to read it. We don't share a bed and like you, I have tried to be intimate but its like we are more like brother and sister. Do you find that dh would be happy to carry on even if he knew the relationship was over, mine would because of the kids, which I understand but feel that if I felt happy then life would be better. Like you I feel empty and at 32 I feel like all my good years are behind, I use to be stronger. My dh was my first love and that's why I know how I should be feeling, and in the beginning he made me feel attractive and like I was wanted and he would be ready to do anything to keep me happy, the way he looked at me. But I have to ask him to buy me flowers which he says he wont because I ask him to, I waited a year before I asked again and he said the same thing and I cried. What has given me more confidence to think about ending my relationship is that last week a guy came to fix my washing machine, I had on old jeans and baggy top, no effort to look good and this guy was flirting and when he was leaving asked if I would like to go out for a drink, this made me feel high and good about myself. DH told me that I need to buy sexy nightwear to get him in the mood. I want to feel alive and be in love, go on dinner dates and laugh. I cant sleep with all this internal emotional upheaval and I am glad that I am not alone but sad also.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Wed 13-Nov-13 22:18:40

I had already made my mind up which way you should jump with your first sentence. Never do something to please someone else.

Then I read some more and I think you should start making your plans to end it right now

Ships699 Thu 14-Nov-13 22:26:14

Now it's a continued rant from DH.... You are throwing this all away.... You need to get some antidepressants.... At least I remember our wedding vows...... I can't believe you want to do this...... Screaming in my face etc
I'm getting more and more mad with the responses I'm getting. I look at him and feel sorry I am putting him though the hurt and stress but I know I don't love him and feel I have to move on.
What a stressful time this is going to be :'(

MistAllChuckingFrighty Thu 14-Nov-13 22:38:22

Just keep on moving through it

Close your ears and your mind. He's had his chances, right ? Why are you engaging with it ?

Nagoo Thu 14-Nov-13 23:04:53

I am the bad one who left. once you tuck your kids into bed and lock your front door, that's easier to deal with.

good luck x

dollius Fri 15-Nov-13 05:10:13

Well, if he's keeping all his money for himself, then he's not respecting his marriage vows either, is he?

EirikurNoromaour Fri 15-Nov-13 07:37:47

'All that I have I share with you'
Remind him of that particular vow while he sits on his fat bank account and you're left with pennies eh?
If you split he'd have to pay maintenance. You might even be better off!

Lweji Fri 15-Nov-13 07:44:30

Ah, wedding vows. My violent, threatening, lazy, name calling husband also came with that one after I left him. Sorry, mate.
And blah, blah, blah about god. The person who hardly ever set foot in a church, apart from the wedding.

Lweji Fri 15-Nov-13 07:47:16

What you describe in the OP doesn't sound like a marriage.
Mentioning "his" money alone, is bad enough.
Do you share expenses 50-50, or do you pay for the children?

He's probably more upset that he'll have to share "his" money with you when you split. grin
Make sure you have details of all "his" accounts.

SlicedLemon Fri 15-Nov-13 07:56:14

He sounds a right selfidh idiot. The day he dragged your eldest dd into this would have been the day I left.

You do realise that was a form of emotional blackmail don't you? The lowest form involving his own childsad .

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Fri 15-Nov-13 16:09:23

I think what you are doing is very brave. And I think you will feel loads better once it's done, so keep your focus on that to get you through the stress now.

He sounds horrible.

Ships699 Sat 16-Nov-13 08:44:45

Today has brought him crying hysterically.... Saying if me and DDs aren't with him, he may as well be dead, and that the whole separation/divorce will "kill the kids".
Last night as the kids sat on the settee under a blanket and having cuddles with me, watching TV and he sat on the other sofa, I felt sad that I am plotting to upset the home, but it's not a happy home in my eyes and now the emotional blackmail has started sad
I just feel so sad :'(

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