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My wife just had an affair

(662 Posts)
Upsethusband Tue 12-Nov-13 14:33:04

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p****.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.


Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 16:54:52

Poor you! sad

What a shit your wife is being.

Don't let her get away with saying its not an affair. Of course it bloody is.

I wouldn't believe they haven't had sex.

It was disrespectful of her to throw her phone away and ruin your chances of ever getting to the truth. She had no right to do that to you because you deserve the truth.

Her actions with the phone would tell me that the truth is BAD! If there was nothing to hide she wouldn't have thrown it.

QuintessentialShadows Tue 12-Nov-13 16:57:07

I am so sorry to read your posts.

Your wife is not grieving what she has done to you and her family, but the loss of her new exciting relationship, coupled with shame and embarrassment and the worry of what you are going to do next.

Dont feel sorry for her. She has chosen to seek excitement outside your marriage, with her boss and your friend. Not a great friend, and not exactly a great wife either!

I am sorry to say that I think you need to play hardball here. She has been deceiving you for a long time, and now she is continuing to manipulate you by trying to top herself. Regard this as her acting to an audience: you. Rather than being angry with her, she wants you to worry about her. She is really very attention seeking, isnt she?

I suggest you ask her to leave while you sort your head out. Why should YOU have to leave the family unit? She caused this. Let her stew a little and ponder her actions, while you work out whether you still want to remain married to her.

TheFabulousIdiot Tue 12-Nov-13 16:59:05

They probably were having sex. They usually are.

If you don't love her any more then I would leave.

TheFabulousIdiot Tue 12-Nov-13 17:00:42

just read your second post. I would suggest counselling.

Don't let her make this your fault. She is the one who cheated, there is probably more you don't know and will never know. Throwing the phone into the river is not the behaviour of someone who wants to offer full disclosure.

QuintessentialShadows Tue 12-Nov-13 17:01:21

I would also ask that she goes to the GU clinic with you for some STI tests. You both need this. sad

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 17:06:09

She's crying because of the shock of being found out and the panic of not knowing what you will do about it.

Definitely send her for sti checks.

Hissy Tue 12-Nov-13 17:07:58

The only way you can even begin to work through this is if she sees what is at stake here.

She needs to leave.

Where to? Not your problem. But it has to be open ended so that YOU get to say when you feel ready to try again.

Meantime she has to be whiter than white.

She won't be. She's been having sex with him for sure, the fact that they haven't actually booked a room together that you know of is at best irrelevant, and at worst, makes it worse as they'll have probably snatched moments.

This is not your fault. She needs to leave, the children stay with you. Get child care to cover.

Phalenopsis Tue 12-Nov-13 17:08:34

She's only sobbing hysterically and threatening overdose because she has been caught. She's not remorseful. She's probably worried about the future.

Like I said, someone who throws a phone into the river to prevent their husband knowing what had been going on is not 'just' flirting and does not want to heal their marriage. She needs to be totally honest with you.

She'll do it at first through drip feeding - yes, we had oral sex once. It'll then change to: we had sex once, then it'll be we had sex more than once. And you'll feel worse and worse OP.

Hissy Tue 12-Nov-13 17:10:50

You WILL meet someone better. It'd be hard to meet a worse and more treacherous woman as this.

don't believe a word of her supposed remorse. she is lying through her teeth, actually though, are even her teeth her own?

The only way of regaining this situation is to make her leave and make her see the consequences of her actions. If you let her stay, it's carte blanche to this time and the next, and the next.

ohlalala13 Tue 12-Nov-13 17:11:18

Im sorry I have no words of wisdom but I hope you find someone who loves and respects you enough to stay faithful.
And your welcome here anytime.

Hissy Tue 12-Nov-13 17:11:45

Would the Not Just Friends book be a good suggestion? I've not read it, but it's usually cited in times such as these.

cupcake78 Tue 12-Nov-13 17:12:31

You both need your own space to digest what has happened and your future path. Being together muddys the water. It makes your heart rule your head and at the moment you need to find the balance. Your children need balanced parents more than they need dad living with mum!

Your wife needs to leave to give you the space you need to come to terms with what's happened.

The phone went in the river because there is something on it that she is afraid you'll see. If she is telling you the whole truth surely she would want to prove to you that what she is saying is everything there is to know.

Hotels do indeed have corridors but the facts of what happened really don't matter when its obvious she's hiding something from you. She's admitted kissing, cuddling and touching, there is only one thing left to hide. Whether they had sex or not is actually irrelevant when they were planning behind your back to do this.

She needs to leave and take her guilt, misery and threats of suicide with her.

Sorry op

WarmFuzzyFuture Tue 12-Nov-13 17:15:10

Get her to move out. (If you are concerned that she might attempt suicide then inform her GP, family and friends)

Your focus needs to be your feelings and what you want to do next.

Don't let this situation be brushed under the carpet because you are afraid to deal with the enormity of what has happened, or because of your wife's crying etc. Do not be rushed to decide and move on, take your time.

The only thing that stopped the secret relationship was you finding out.

Please tell someone you trust and who can support you in real life.

Whatever you do, please, please make sure you are not manipulated you into staying in the relationship because of the children. She did not consider their well being when she was having an affair.

You deserve better.

Upsethusband Tue 12-Nov-13 17:16:01

Thanks so much again, some or you are certainly a little more matter of fact than I am. Also I do have a feeling she was manipulated, I know what this bloke is like, he has a track record.

She said she threw the phone because she was so embarrassed by the messages that she couldn't bare for me to see them, messages discussing what they would do to each other, even leaving their partners for each other.

This is without doubt the worst situation I have been in and the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. Thank you all for your support.

OneMoreChap Tue 12-Nov-13 17:17:45

"I do have a feeling she was manipulated" to paraphrase Mandy Rice-Davies (?) Well, she'd want you to think that, wouldn't she?

muddylettuce Tue 12-Nov-13 17:17:56

Ultimately you need to try and forget about how 'remorseful' she's being, you shouldn't have to worry about her right now. Think about what you need, if it's space, take it- whether you decide to get through this together or to separate. You need to be sure either way for the sake of your children and dealing with her guilt as well as your hurt probably won't help you.

WarmFuzzyFuture Tue 12-Nov-13 17:19:47

She is manipulating you. The bloke did not force her to engage in a relationship, she is responsible for her actions.

Yes she was 'embarrassed' by the messages because they would have revealed the true extend of her involvement and you would not be falling for her soft focus version of the truth.

TheFabulousIdiot Tue 12-Nov-13 17:20:03

Hope you manage to make a decision you are happy with. I can't imagine that continuing the relationship will be easy but perhaps counselling will help.

RE "messages discussing what they would do to each other" it sounds very much like they were both willing participants so even though you know what this man is like there is still evidence that she was very happy to go along with it until she was found out, so beware. she has form too.

QuintessentialShadows Tue 12-Nov-13 17:20:34

Well, if he has a track record, I presume she knew about his track record too, and could that perhaps be why she chose him? She knew she would not risk some love struck man coming running to set up home with her?

bleedingheart Tue 12-Nov-13 17:23:38

Your wife does sound very manipulative with the faux overdose and the uncontrollable tears.

Asking her to leave for a bit isn't ending the marriage, it doesn't have to be final.

I strongly advised you get STI tests, especially if he has a track record.

Throwing the phone in the river speaks volumes, I'm afraid.
You do seem to be indulgent of her, as though it isn't her fault. It is your relationship she has cheated on and you she has betrayed. She wasn't forced into it. Credit her with more autonomy.

cupcake78 Tue 12-Nov-13 17:25:37

It is a horrible situation and your decision making will be extremely hard which is even more of a reason to have space from each other.

cupcake78 Tue 12-Nov-13 17:30:22

Please also remember that we are all human and we all make bad decision, mistakes and get wrapped up in escapism. None of us are perfect! It's what we do afterwards that shows the real person.

It is a case of can you ever trust her again or is the hurt to much. If you decide to make a go of it or go your separate ways she will always be the mother of your children. It will take years to overcome so pace yourself and don't do anything to rash. Good luck op

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Nov-13 17:31:07

OP... quite a few of us have been right where you are now. It hurts like hell but you can't imagine life without her. You want to believe she's remorseful, nothing happened in the hotel and so on. You desperately want to think she was an innocent party, lured away by some Svengali character. Betrayal like this operates on a visceral level, the grief is overwhelming and you'll be thrashing between 'I can't do this any more' and 'I want to forgive' for a while. Again.... you need space. You are not going to make good decisions while you're in this acutely stressed frame of mind.

FolkGirl Tue 12-Nov-13 17:32:00

Is she a child?

No. She wasn't being manipulated by this man. Even if she was flattered by him initially, she didn't need to respond and have an affair with him.

She didn't come to you upset about what he was doing/saying did she?

I know at the moment you are just trying to rationalise what this woman you love has done, but seriously, she knows exactly what she was doing.

bleedingheart Tue 12-Nov-13 17:33:09

Totally agree with cupcake78, pace yourself. There can be such a temptation to solve things, paper over the cracks and act like it never happened but actually you don't need to do anything yet. If you hide it away it might come back to bite, harder.

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