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"You'll never find anyone with two children"

(104 Posts)
NickysMam Mon 11-Nov-13 23:48:40

Said soon to be exH.

I posted a thread (or was it a reply?) that I left H when I was 17 weeks pregnant with my 2 year old DS due to emotional and physical abuse.

So I'm pregnant with DC2 and naturally we talk but only to do with DS and the pregnancy.

Today out of nowhere, he said on the phone "well, I'm laughing because I know for a fact that you'll never find anyone with two children. No man would go there, so enjoy the single life! And don't think you can crawl back to me either *hangs up*"

I will admit, I felt like absolute shit. I've never really thought about it as it's too soon after leaving but the fact may still remain.

Am I really destined to a life of loneliness (well not really I have my beautiful children, but you know what I mean)?

SatinSandals Wed 13-Nov-13 11:36:39

I had that once 'you will be 40yrs and finished, alone and lonely'. At 40 yrs I was happily married with another child. I have no idea what happened to him and don't care enough to find out. Ignore.

NickysMam Wed 13-Nov-13 11:23:59

oh no I lost my response..!

Basically, I appreciate all that's been said. I definitely agree, he said it to exercise his attempt to control me. Desperate man. Is it wrong for me to feel slightly sick at the thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with that man?

I just don't understand why he's bothering with all this since I'm a "stupid rebellious woman"? Surely he should be rejoicing at his freedom?

Thank goodness for MN, I'd be feeling like crap up until now I'm sure. I've definitely lost my self confidence over the years and I'm working on getting it back slowly buy surely!

Polynomial Wed 13-Nov-13 10:13:28

12 years ago my ex-boyfriend shouted that I'd never have a relationship again.

He recently tweeted that he hadn't had a girlfriend for 12 years! Yes, posting that is going to have the ladies flocking to him - not! grin

TwoStepsBeyond Wed 13-Nov-13 09:53:49

Dahlen your BF sounds lovely!

I liked Iris' point a while back too:

I think that having children takes the pressure off finding a man when you are a certain age

Times not ticking, you can be much more choosy and you will be as you have dc to consider

I specifically put on my dating profile that while I have DCs I wasn't looking for someone to play dad, they already have one of them, I wanted to meet someone for myself.

A lot of the men put "my children will always come first" which can be a bit off-putting for me. It goes without saying that when you have DCs they will be your priority, but there's nothing wrong with wanting some fun and a relationship purely for yourself, as a woman not a mum.

I would say that juggling the parenting styles of 2 different families is the main source of disagreement for me and DP, so getting together when you have DCs isn't as simple as it was first time around, but we work it out - mainly because he is a thoughtful and considerate man who weighs up the 2 sides to any argument.

I think the other benefit to meeting someone after you've both had kids is that you're more mature and and settled in general (well, most people are!) I would've hated DP when he was younger, sounds like he was a bit selfish, he smoked weed and wasn't really my type at all. However, since having DCs he grew up and is now exactly what I want in a man. (Interestingly it seems that his ex didn't really grow up when she had kids and is now with a man without DCs of his own who treats her quite badly by all accounts.)

tribpot Wed 13-Nov-13 09:47:50

Utter bollocks. My mum was not much older than you when she became a single parent of two small children. In an era before internet dating, or even before dating (for single mothers, I suspect!) she met and married my fantastic step-father - set up by a friend of hers who was buying his house.

Never look back - a much better life is waiting for you.

borninastorm Wed 13-Nov-13 09:42:34

Words are are so very powerful and your ex knows this. He has chosen to say the one thing that he knows will pile more insecurity on you.

We rarely really hear the good things that people say to us - we're too busy fixating on the bad things. And he's hoping that you'll fixate on this so much that you'll be unable to move on.

Don't fixate on this, don't give his words the power he wants them to have.

How your life goes from now on is your choice, choose to have a great one.

TwoStepsBeyond Wed 13-Nov-13 09:30:57

I haven't read the thread yet as I'm supposed to be getting ready for work but as I'm sure plenty of people have already said, he's just saying that to hurt you and make you feel like he's the best you can do. He isn't. Well done for blocking him, make sure you only communicate about things to do with the DCs from now on, what happens outside of that is none of his business.

XH also thought nobody else could possible want me - I believed him. I have stretch marks and a mum-tum, grey dyed hair and the odd wrinkle. I have 3 DCs aged from 6-13 who stay with their dad once a week, but are with me the majority of the time, written down it doesn't sound too appealing for a new man to walk into that!

However, I now have a gorgeous DP who is 5 years younger than me, absolutely beautiful, my ideal man, full head of hair (unlike XH!) and he thinks the world of me and my kids.

He has 2 DC of his own and we usually all spend one evening a week together, but when he doesn't have his kids he is more than happy to hang out here with me and mine. They love him, he is funny and a bit immature and brings them sweets and toys on a regular basis, as well as bringing me flowers and nice things to eat too grin

He's a bloody treasure and it scares me to think that I might never have met him if I'd stayed with XH.

Plenty of lovely men are looking for a comforting home from home with a new partner, not a wild, free party animal with no ties. Anyone who you'd want to have around (for yourself as well as your kids) at this stage of your life won't be phased by spending some time with you and your kids.

Get yourself straight, find your confidence and when you're ready you can enjoy the fun of meeting new people who will value you more than that tosser obviously did.

TorchesTorches Wed 13-Nov-13 09:11:33

Although it's a bit of a different situation, i felt like this once. I had just handed my resignation in to my boss, to go to work for a more prestigious firm. My boss who up to this point had been really nice took it very badly and snarled "you won't last 5 minutes in that place." I was really upset and told my mum. She just laughed and said "he's a man who isn't getting his own way....this is how they react". I was in the new firm for 10 years and flourished. This is just a man who isn't getting what he wants!

SatinSandals Wed 13-Nov-13 08:41:06

Tell yourself that you haven't heard the last of his jibes and be prepared next time. Treat him like a toddler with a tantrum. Keep calm, if you get chance for a final word, which you probably won't, just say, without any emotion and in normal chatty tone, 'well, we are all entitled to our opinions' -and you be the one to put the phone down.
He is playing a game, don't play it. Ignore or get some 'broken record' type responses, said lightly as if he is irrelevant.

OldTomFrost Wed 13-Nov-13 07:07:02

Rubbish, utter rubbish. All that is left for him to do now to hurt you is say vile things to you. He's lost the control in the relationship so he's pissed off. And he can't hurt you any other way than to say horrible things to you.
I have 3 children and a Grandchild who is here more often than not - I have found a man... I didn't want the man (another story completely smile ) But he did not see three kids as a barrier. Lots of men don't.
Twoddle - all of it.
Concentrate on yourself and your kids for a while. Get your life all sorted out. Ignore this idiot and when you are ready, you will meet another man if it is what you want. I promise you. DO not listen to this fool.

wallypops Tue 12-Nov-13 20:34:38

I think my kids are probably my biggest selling point!

cloudskitchen Tue 12-Nov-13 19:36:46

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but that was clearly meant to manipulate you and totally not true. I know several people with 2 children that are now with other partners. one of my friends has 3 kids and this summer just got married to a man with 2. now one big very happy family

exoticfruits Tue 12-Nov-13 19:19:39

I know lots of people who find someone second time around, with children.
He is abusive because he is very good at it, as proved by his phone call!
A stupid statement anyway as he has 2 children.
I also agree with Jesus. Hold that thought!

NickysMam Tue 12-Nov-13 19:16:58

Mistall I am indeed and I'm grateful for them!

Glad I posted wink

JesusInTheCabbageVan Tue 12-Nov-13 19:08:37

What everyone else said.

Plus: people who feel the need to tell you that they are "laughing" are never really laughing. They're usually feeling small and insecure and casting around desperately for something to make them feel and look as though they have the upper hand. grin

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 18:44:02

Some lovely replies on here, OP, I hope you are taking them on board and believing them.

Blondie1969 Tue 12-Nov-13 15:56:24

From a male perspective. Separated nearly 18 months ago. have two aged 10 and 6. When it came to meeting someone knew my fist thoughts was someone with one or two kids as that would mean they would understand my priorities with regards to me looking after my kids fifty per cent of the week.

For eight months now i have been going out with someone with three children.

I would never envisaged myself dating someone with three kids 18 months ago but I am not attempting to father her children but like her for the values and qualities she has shown.

So do not worry about no one wanting you. Why would someone not want to be with you? You are not an alcoholic or an unkind person so anyone who ends up with you is lucky you are letting them into your lives.

Just make sure you start carrying a big stick to beat all those admirers off with!!

Dahlen Tue 12-Nov-13 15:55:20

Your STBXH has just demonstrated that you were absolutely right to leave him. wink

No is going to claim that having children doesn't affect the development of a relationship, but it's an effect of timing and style. It's not a barrier to actually having a relationship.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's an excellent way of screening out the twats like your STBXH - since men who consider someone else's children as "baggage" tend to be selfish - looking at relationships much more in terms of what they will receive rather than what they can offer. They are exactly the sort of men who will treat you like shit in the long term no matter how charming they appear on the surface. Also, some men are very good at maintaining a facade for a surprising length of time. Children, with their ability to behave completely inappropriately and unpredictably, are really very good at wrong-footing such people and exposing them for what they really are.

IME the sorts of men who are willing to "take on" someone else's children and develop a genuine bond with them in their own right tend to be the sort of men who have a fair amount of emotional intelligence and are likely to behave in a thoughtful and considerate way.

My BF hasn't been put off by my DC and he doesn't even have children of his own! In fact, he rather enjoys the family life side of things. The only remotely negative spin he's ever put on my having children is that he can't whisk me away for a surprise or impromptu romantic weekend because the childcare situation means everything has to be planned in advance. Meanwhile, my DC give him ample opportunity to indulge his inner child and he is forever looking at things and saying "do you think they'd like this?".

Obviously my DC are separate to me, but he sees the three of us as a unit - one he's been privileged to be allowed to enter. He considers them part of the reason I am who I am, as motherhood has shaped my personality. Therefore, how could he possibly consider them "baggage"?

janajos Tue 12-Nov-13 15:32:34

I have been with my now DH for 10years, he has not only wanted me with 2 kids, he brings them up with me full time, pays for school fees (not boarding!) for one of them and has replaced their absent (--feckless--) father. What rubbish your ex is talking!

TwoPeasOnePod Tue 12-Nov-13 15:08:59

Also never think of it as a man 'taking on' your kids like some kind of Saint hmm

It would be the other way around. Any man would be honoured and rated highly if you allowed him onto your kids' lives. You should always be empowered by that thought, it helped me when my exP wss being a knob. Fwiw he's now back at his parents 2bed terraced house. Loser

TwoPeasOnePod Tue 12-Nov-13 15:05:53

My EA exP said the exact same thing to me. "No one will want you with three kids"

Fastforward to now. Me and my new (respectful, caring) DP have been approved for a mortgage and we are moving into our home by January. With my three DC aged 6 and below grin

Your exH knows fine well how you will certainly move onwards and upwards. Hes a knob. Ignore except for matters pertaining to the kids. And best of luck in your freedom infused new life smile

hellsbellsmelons Tue 12-Nov-13 15:02:24

Well I have 2 half sisters from my mums side - my dad loves them as much as he loves me.

I also know someone with 3 kids and she has a lovely partner!

He's talking utter crap - but you know that anyway.

You're well rid and you will be happy, in time, when you are ready!

Mollydoggerson Tue 12-Nov-13 14:59:45

It's bollox, people with children from previous relationships get together all the time. Utter nonsense.

ZombieMojaveWonderer Tue 12-Nov-13 14:56:14

I found the love of my life and I have 3 children smile
It's not really something you should even be thinking about right now but when you do I assure there is a man out there who will love you and your two children grin

Hissy Tue 12-Nov-13 14:51:53

I would say that pretty much ALL abusive arseholes say this.

it's to try to scare you and make you feel bad, and kill of whatever self confidence you have.

Look at the posts above and you will see that time and time again that people DO find other people WITH children.

there is no reason why on earth you wont.

What I will say though is that you need to be prepared to work hard to get over the abuse you have suffered.

Getting OUT of an abusive relationship is not the END, it's the beginning of a journey for you to find out what PUT you in that relationship in the first place.

You have made the first step, you left this terrible man. Now you have to look at what happened TO you and why you were vulnerable. Then you look at strengthening yourself in those areas to not allow that to happen again.

Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? Have you thought about looking into doing The Freedom Programme?

I did all of that and more and by God it's worth it.

I would LAUGH in the face of my former abuser now, he would COWER in front of ME by the time I'd finished with him nowadays.

You are exactly this awesome, which is why he had to destroy you... think about it!


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