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How do you deal with no one looking after you?

(25 Posts)
Vampirecella Mon 11-Nov-13 01:31:46

iyswim. When you do all of the day to day stuff and there isnt a... well anything at the end?

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 11-Nov-13 01:33:48

Err what are you expecting at the end exactly what? Sorry, I'm confused by the post.

MummyBeerest Mon 11-Nov-13 01:45:08

...I don't follow.

FestiveEdition Mon 11-Nov-13 01:51:38

You gradually learn a lot about self worth. About managing your life to suit yourself. About self reliance, and knowing who you are as a person and what you want from life.
It takes some time, but it is a very positive thing.

Only when you have learned to live with yourself, are you really able to go into a new relationship as a choice, because it is right for you, rather than as a default because you don't like being alone!

MistressDeeCee Mon 11-Nov-13 01:59:08

We all want to feel looked after in some way as people, and its a difficult thing when you feel there's no-one close and personal to you at all, sharing life love and care. Most of us don't cope well at all with 'its just me and no-one else', when living life and dealing with all the day-to-day of it. Be the best that you can be, do what makes you feel happy and contented, learn to appreciate and enjoy your own company. If you feel the need to be more sociable, get out there and meet people, perhaps taking up a hobby you've always wanted to. Everything else comes in time.

& I agree with FestiveEdition

NettoSuperstar Mon 11-Nov-13 02:59:30

I'm trying to come to terms with this atm.
I lost my Dad last month.
The daft thing is, he always took a back seat in parenting, my Mum died 12 years ago and I'd not lived at home, or had her look after me for years anyway, but something about losing your last parent hits home, and makes you feel you have to be an adult.
It's scary, and I'm not doing too well with it.

BillyGoatintheBuff Mon 11-Nov-13 04:04:02

(((hugs))) Nettosuperstar

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 06:48:09

If you're a lone parent (which I am) or a widow/er and you feel this way, you take the day to day responsibility on the chin and then go develop a social life so that you have friends you can call on if you need a bit of company. If you're in a relationship and you feel this way, chances are it's a bad relationship

SpringyReframed Mon 11-Nov-13 06:49:39

OP, I suppose you just learn to look after yourself. That is what I feel I have done.
Nettosuperstar I am in the same situation. My Mum died two weeks ago. I am completely fed up with friends saying to me that they know what I am going through when they dont as they all had DP's to support them through it. I dont. I got the call from the hospital at 4am to say my Mum had died and I had to wait till a reasonable time before I called others to let them know. I coped as I have done a lot of counselling but it is hard.

WillIEverBeASizeTen Mon 11-Nov-13 07:05:13

Netto I empathise with you..I lost my Mum September 2012. I am a lone parent too and we were incredibly close. I relied on her enormously.

At the ripe old age of 52 my safety net/comfort blanket/buffer and ultimately best friend was gone...I had to be a grown up. I wake up every day with an emptiness. I manage well and even though I have a boyfriend, nothing will replace the unconditional care and love Mum gave me and mine.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 11-Nov-13 07:05:21

Op, I identify with what you're saying in as much as my situation as a lone p. I quite often treat myself to coffee and cake when I'm out as its nice to have a hot drink made for me!!

I second what cog said- surround yourself with a good friends network. I'm lucky that I have my parents who look after me. Hugs to netto and must be going through a very hard time at the moment. flowers

If as cog said, you feel like this in a relationship then that is an indication that you need to consider things. Do you want to say a bit more?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 11-Nov-13 07:07:27

ladameauxcamelias Mon 11-Nov-13 07:31:28

I've never posted before but know what you mean. I'm a lone parent and badly sprained my ankle at the weekend. I had to rely heavily on a friend to get me to the walk in centre then the hospital for an x-ray. DS is nearly 4, friend had to be at my house when his dad picked him up. Yesterday at drop off, depite being aware I'd had an accident, he didnt ask if I was ok or needed any help with ds. I really feel vulnerable and hate asking others for help. It's when something like this happens that you realise how much you are trying to cope with and sometimes a hug and tlc would be appreciated.

Ursula8 Mon 11-Nov-13 08:38:22

I understand OP. My DF is dead, DM is a narc so I am NC with her. I am a single parent and am not in a relationship.
I do have wonderful friends but sometimes I feel like I have nobody to protect me. At the end of the day, it's just me and it's a lot of responsibility sometimes.
I think because of my pretty fucked up childhood I feel this more as I never had a loving mother and so there has always been a "hole" there. I try to treat myself really well and have had counselling to help build my self esteem.
Now I find if I feel as you describe it is usually because I am either very tired or feeling a bit ill. HTH.

singlemedicmum Mon 11-Nov-13 09:59:27

Ursula I'm in the exact same position as you. Single mother, horrendous relationship with mother and siblings (so I don't bother with them now). And my dear father is deceased. I do feel very isolated, often. But whilst I only have a very small group of genuine friends (about 2!) I do have a bit of a safety net as a result. The positive is that I cope with most things by myself, and reserve asking for help from friends for genuine/serious reasons I.e hospital trips.

It's really tough. I've tried to employ a few strategies to deal with the isolation. These include making time for a relaxing bath at the end of a day, buying myself treats (this sounds particularly sad I know), and trying (often unsuccessfully) to have a social life (I will pay a childminder occasionally, without guilt, for an evening of child free socialising).

My first MN post. Can't bring myself to use the other acronyms yet sorry!

Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Nov-13 10:45:35

Cats! Cats are the answer. For very little trouble or expense (depending on the cat...) you can adopt one or two loving, cuddly housemates who rely on you for the basics but mostly look after themselves, who will be there for you on a chill evening, warming your lap and making soothing purring sounds instead of wanting to rant about their day or hog the remote control. OK, they sometimes bring you bits of dead birds, but blokes bring in oily parts of engines. They sometimes throw up on the carpet, but they don't leave skiddy marks in the toilet. You have to clean out the litter tray, but not do their laundry. It all balances out.

Flippant, but for me, also true.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 11:09:31

@Anniegetyourgun... my cat brought me a rat a few weeks ago and dropped it somewhere in the kitchen. I then had LOTS of people looking after me... mostly from pest control. <sigh>

BitOutOfPractice Mon 11-Nov-13 12:04:02

Oh OP can I first of all say how sorry I am for your loss. I know exactly what you mean about how it feels when you lose a parent. YOur position in the universe seems to shift a little

And yy I also know what it's like not to have anyone to take care of you, even to do something little.

FWIW if you were my friend I would come round, run a bath and pour you a drink and while you relaxed I'd cook you a nice dinner. I realise that makes me sound like some lesbian stalker but I hope you know what I mean

MsMoose Mon 11-Nov-13 13:12:09

My DM died when I was 39 and my DF 4 years later. A year after that I discovered my partner was having an affair while I nursed my dad through terminal cancer. In the space of 5 years my whole support system crashed. I'm very much a lone parent now and it's bloody hard. DS2 is having major surgery soon to remove a benign tumour and his father has offered zero support. I don't know how I function some days but I do. It's actually made me very proud of myself. There are probably a couple of people I could phone in the middle of the night but it would have to be life or death. It's made me very resilient but I would dearly love someone to give me a cuddle every night. Or even just once a week.

One of my problems is that being acutely aware of the damage a negative person could have on my life I have set the bar very high with regard to who I spend time with. That has advantages because the people that are in my life now are all really good eggs but the downside is that there aren't many of them.

<feeling sorry for myself today>

BitOutOfPractice Mon 11-Nov-13 13:17:11

Oh MsMoose what a whole heap of shit you poor thing sad

I know this is really frwoned on here but here you go ((((MsMoose))))

MummyBeerest Mon 11-Nov-13 16:11:34

I am so sorry OP. Having read over the thread I can completely sympathize with what you mean.

I know society really values independence, but without support from others it's a very sad and lonely life.

I certainly don't have the answers, but I have found that being kind to strangers has been massively helpful. I have found time and again that people surprise me.

flowers to all. Loss in the family ia devastating to say the very least.

TwoPeasOnePod Mon 11-Nov-13 17:29:54

It's well worth showing consideration and having sincerely kind words for people. You never know how much it could mean to them, how much it can improve a crappy day/week year
When I split from EA ex, and became an LP to three kids 5 yrs to 5months old, it was sometimes the small gestures from randoms/strangers which enabled me to carry on through a horrible time. Sadly a few former 'close' friends have shown that they aren't close friends material.

3mum Mon 11-Nov-13 19:34:18

I agree with both those who say put effort not developing your friendship network and those who say get a pet. I was married for about a hundred years, but was never ever looked after. When I was in hospital I had to get a friend to come and collect me as he couldn't be arsed to visit. So having a bloke is not necessarily the answer.

I only have my mum left and she has profound dementia so no support there. Rather the opposite in fact.

However, my female friends have been a long running source of support. I don't have masses, but those I do are utterly supportive (in different ways, its a bit horses for courses). I also have pets. In the evenings when the kids have gone to bed, I love a cuddle with a dog or cat, or both. They are always pleased to see you, welcome you home, always want a cuddle, give unconditional love and never ever criticise. A huge improvement on men!

More seriously, on days when you just can't face getting out and about, if you have pets you have to get up and if you have dogs you have to walk them. I always feel better for getting out and even just saying hello to other dog walkers is a mood lifter.

OnceAgainForLuck Mon 11-Nov-13 20:13:55

My DM died earlier this year. She was the one who gave me unconditional love, was always interested in what I was up to, noticed if I was sad/troubled, loved me whatever. There's a gap in my life now that I don't know how to fill.

My DCs are almost grown up and very occasionally show me some affection, and I have one good friend who would always help me if she could, so I know I have more sources of love/affection/care than some, but sometimes I feel absolutely alone.

I agree that cats and dogs have a lot to offer to us.

something2say Mon 11-Nov-13 20:22:13

I can relate to a lot of this. Here is my story.

About 7 years ago I made the monumental decision to cut off my father. We had an abusive family and he told me he would never apologise. I decided to never see them again because I could not fathom breaking bread with people who did that to me and then would never apologise. I reasoned, what's the point of having a family if they are not 'family?' So I ceased contact.

I immediately went into a huge grief and was really scared. What if I had a car accident? Who would bring my knickers to the hospital etc? It was scary. I bought a flat by myself without my Dad to ask about it all. I used to go out after work on a Friday and then drive out to Surrey where I live and no-one even knew if I got home alright.

Now things are different. Here's what I recommend -

Maximise your girlfriends. Men come and go, but girlfriends can stay forever.
Save money. If you need a quick hundred or few grand, have it saved up ready. No-one will do this for you.
Make sure you have top notch insurances - car rescue - home insurance etc.
Stash spare keys in case you lock yourself out.

XXXXX You are not alone. XXXXX

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