I'm so so sad

[qualitytoffee]

And i can't figure it out, i.ve got my period today, so maybe thats why.
Right i'm a single ma, with the most lovliest 17 year old son that any mother could wish for. I've raised him on my own since ex husband walked out when he was 3 months old, and i haven't heard from him or his family since.
I feel like i've failed in some way, i don't know why, i mean, he's happy, doing a college course that he loves, and he works (he's there at the moment), hence my self indulgent moan,
But i feel rubbish and i've failed him, haven't i? Its like we stick out because i'm the only lone parent where i live, and i'm fed up with it all
sorry for this x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If being a lone parent and spending 17 years of your life raising a decent human being single-handed makes you a failure, I'd like to hear your definition of success. :) Where do you live that a) you're the only lone parent and b) lone parents still stick out?

Maybe what's getting you down is that he's now independent, and you realise it won't be long until you've lost your closest companion?

[qualitytoffee]

But its not that, its because i feel worthless, unlovable and tired, i work full time to pay the bills, and i wish that my child had better. Don't get me wrong, when he was younger, we would have fun days and spend loads of time together, and i appreciate that hes 17 now and needs his space, but he didn't deserve a tearful mummy who he depends upon, and i'm a wreck at the moment, how and why were we deleted so casually and cruely
I need to get a bloody grip don't i? and loads of chocolate.
Thanks for listening x

[Terrortree]

Sounds to me that you're being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. Bringing up a responsible and kind lad is a huge accomplishment. Meeting a great partner in life is a lot more about luck and not an accomplishment. I imagine those around you wonder how you managed to do it and they are probably a little bit in awe.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you're stressed out because you're chief cook, bottle-washer, bill-payer and so on, it's OK to shout 'help'. He's 17, not some bit of a kid that needs Mummy... he can shoulder a bit of the burden these days.

Did you mean to say 'deleted' so casually and cruelly? Who deleted you?

[Olddear]

You're wonderful!!! Pat yourself on the back!! You sound like you've done a fantastic job, sadly your ex and his family have missed out on knowing a great young man! Their loss, doesn't sound much of a loss for you and your son

[qualitytoffee]

His family did, no word or acknowledgement in 17 years, like their grandson never existed, i guess its their choice, and i tried, i sent them photos but got no acknowlegment or a call. I'm from Northern Ireland, and i met him at university in England. His family were cold fish and never really accepted me because i was irish, we were together for ten years, married for 3, but hey ho.
That big son of mine does his work around the place, he has to! And personally, as much as i love him, the most natural thing in the world is to let him be independant and move out to make a life for himself, thats all i wish for him, and to be happy.
Thanks again xx

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's clearly not suffered in the slightest from being without his father or that side of the family. In fact, would you have even been happy sending him to stay with a bunch of pig-ignorant racists? He's had 17 years (so far) of unconditional love and thrived on it. I think he's been a really lucky lad.

Are there really no lone parents in Northern Ireland?

[qualitytoffee]

And i know there are lovely ladies out there, who have and are suffering much greater trauma than me, and i wish i could help, but i'm so sad and so sad. (tears)
Hands meslf a fucking grip

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You do seem excessively upset. Do have any friends or family that you could pick up the phone to? Meet for a drink? Do you think it's temporary and stress-related or might a visit to your GP be wise?

[qualitytoffee]

Not where i live cognito, its a lovely place and the morgage isn't too dear, and i know i am and i wish i knew why. I have a fab family and a good network of friends, but i'm always the strong one, and today for some reason, i cracked and cried and cried (still crying)
Och, its a hormonal thing, i'll be grand xx
Thank you pets for your words of encouragement, i'm not the worst, i suppose. thank you again

[RandomMess]

Sounds like another life stage, your lovely ds is a young man, soon to go and make his own way the world, your role as a Mum of a teen is changing.

I find change very emotional, could it just be that? Hugs x

[Wishfulmakeupping]

Sounds like your a fantastic mum please be proud of what a great job you've done and are still doing :)
It's ok to have down moments once in a while we all have them- do something nice to perk yourself up like someone suggested upthread go out for a drink and a natter or just have a nice soak in the bath (my preference when I'm feeling down)

[ArgyMargy]

Toffee, sometimes it's good to indulge in a big old cry-fest and what better way than in the company of MN? I'm sure you've done the best you possibly could, and your DS loves you. I hope things look better for you tomorrow. As you say, you'll be grand, but if not MN is always here for you.

[TheGinLushMinion]

A good cry every now & then is no bad thing.
Sounds to me like you've done a cracking job of raising your son-he didn't need people like your ex & his family.

Now dry your eyes & have a or a &

[qualitytoffee]

Thank you. xx

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

I think what you're experiencing is a recognised response to pressure and responsibility being lifted. Suddenly the stress has reduced so you can let out the sadness and worry which you haven't had time to do before.

As a drastic, real example, I have a friend who was a Vietnamese boat person. She and her husband left on a boat but were captured and imprisoned separately. He and a few others broke out and set off again on another boat which sank, no survivors.

She meanwhile had realised she was pregnant.
When she was released she worked, made a home , and educated her daughter. Fifteen years later she met my English friend and married him.
And fell apart. It took two years for them to process what she had been through and why she could finally release all that grief and emotion at a time when everyone expected her to be blissfully happy.

You sound very lovely, your son is lucky to have you, well done.
Cry when you need to, you deserve it.

and some (((hugs)))

[TondelayoSchwarzkopf]

Couldn't read and not post. You're a wonderful mother and you are fully entitled to a good (but not too prolonged) self-pity session after 17 years.

and listen to Cogito

[Hayleychopper]

Toffee, your DS sounds lovely. Be proud of him and what you have achieved in bringing up a well rounded young man. Dont be sad, the ones who should be sad are the ones that have missed out seeing your boy grow and mature and for not having him in their lives.

[qualitytoffee]

Oh FFS, you lot are lovely, am i allowed to say that? Thank you again x
bewitched and cognito and all the bloody lot of you
I'll get past this

[Nanny0gg]

Can I be rude and ask how old you are?

[gettingeasiernow]

I think you sound wonderful too and your post really resonates with me. What I hear is that you've done a brilliant and dedicated job raising a lovely son, he's been your focus and you've been strong throughout, for him. But the transition now to thinking a little more selfishly, now that he's almost grown up, causes you to compare your life to others and you feel you stick out.
I think you can hold your head high. The nuclear family isn't really the standard anymore, there are lots of variations of normal. Your boy has been loved and you've provided his stability, and that's pretty much all he needed. It takes a while to visualise the future you want to have now, but I see no reason at all why you can't make such a great job of it as you have of the last 17 years.
Massive pat on the back.

[qualitytoffee]

i'm old Nanny 46 x, and i've been for blood tests, and everything is grand.

[piratecat]

oh qualitytoffee, your post has resonated with me and my situation.

sending you lots of toffee and a bloody big hug, you are not unloved or unlovable.

xx

[piratecat]

i had a moment (lasted two weeks actually) this year when i suddenly realised how many yrs had gone by and I'd done it on my own, no help, and i am single still too.

I am 44, and it was like a sudden realisation of time having passed.

You are not alone and need to have times like these, it's how we reassess and move along. xx

[Nanny0gg]

Not old at all (you whippersnapper you!) I did just wonder if you were starting the peri-menopause as that will send your hormones all over the place.

Maybe just accept that sometimes we have 'down days', even though there is no particular reason. Your DS sounds a fine young man and you can take all the parental credit!