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Getting back in contact with MM

(138 Posts)
talksomesense Sat 09-Nov-13 11:38:26

I was in an intense, loving two year relationship with a married man. It ended a month ago when he told his wife and she asked him to try again. He decided to stay and I was devastated. He claimed this was due to his dcs and told me he loved me so much but could never contact me again.

One month on, and a few ignored Phonecalls from MM that soon subsided, I still love him and think about him every second of the day.

I am wondering wether I should go out on one last limb and email him my feelings - how much I love and miss him and ask him for one second to reconsider. I know it's seriously stupid.

KouignAmann Sat 09-Nov-13 11:49:41

NO! Don't do it ... post here instead. this is an addiction and we can help you break it. You know you need to be NC to recover. Be strong!

HeartVHead Sat 09-Nov-13 11:55:18

Definitely do not contact him. You will be straight back at square one. He has made his choice and somehow you need to let go. Remind yourself that your relationship was built on lies and deceit and that you deserve a relationship with someone who can offer you more than that.

BasilBabyEater Sat 09-Nov-13 11:57:32

Why do you want him?

He's been engaged in an emotionally abusive relationship with his DW for 2 years. The reason the relationship with you was "intense" was because it was hidden and not "real" like his marriage is. He will have been engaging in the most appalling psychological and emotional abuse of his wife, gaslighting her, denying her reality, making her doubt her perceptions and feelings. She will have thought she was going mad, questioning herself, wondering if she's imagining things, asking herself if there are any serious problems she's overlooked, doubting herself, wondering if there's anything like illness or money worries he's hiding from her - he's put her through psychological torture so that he can have the excitement of this "intense" relationship with you.

He's then lied to you that he loves you and it's "only" for his children that he's staying with his wife. He's staying with his DW because he's calculated that the deal he gets with her and his DC's, is better than the deal he gets with you.

Don't you deserve a better man than this one?

RandomMess Sat 09-Nov-13 11:58:58

You deserve better and their marriage deserves to either recover or end without 3rd party involvement.

A month on is still early days, give yourself a long time to get over it ending.

HogFucker Sat 09-Nov-13 12:00:40

What the others say. Plus do you really want to be responsible for shattering the lives of his children.

LifeofPo Sat 09-Nov-13 12:05:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suchatwat Sat 09-Nov-13 12:09:42

I shall watch this post with interest, I am exactly the same position, hence the user name :-( can't believe how I got here

That is a great post Basil, it is easy not to see the stark truth when you only see the romantic side of it and not the calculated, heartless way that the MM is treating everyone, including his children.

Vivacia Sat 09-Nov-13 12:22:45

It's a good but harsh point. If he cared so much for the kids he wouldn't have had an affair. He dumped you because he got a better deal elsewhere.

Putitonthelist Sat 09-Nov-13 12:36:45

If he does it with you, he'll do it to you

You already know he is a liar and a cheat, why would you want to be with a man like that? You deserve better and you need to move on.

Capitaltrixie Sat 09-Nov-13 13:56:13

Good advice above. Aside from the devastation it will cause to his wife and DC (and it will), you will feel TERRIBLE.

Someone on another thread aptly referred to it as 'leaving your dignity and respect at the door'. It's true. Why would you be happy to settle for a relationship with a MM (and all that entails..), when you can have a decent loving man all to yourself?! It's a no brainer, regardless of how you think you feel about him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 09-Nov-13 16:19:48

"He claimed this was due to his dcs and told me he loved me so much but could never contact me again."

There's been a gay man on these boards recently asking exactly the same thing. You may even be him, I don't know. I'm sorry but you've been sold a load of old tripe. He hasn't gone back to the DW 'because of the DCs.' He's had his fun and moved on. It's depressingly common. All lies.

Retain your self-respect, lose this man's number and move on with your life.

Upnotdown Sat 09-Nov-13 16:21:32

He wanted you out of the picture -please don't believe that he's only there for his kids. It's something MM say to get them out of their predicament. Damage limitation and nothing more.

The longer you believe that shit, the longer it will take you get over him. You'll imagine him miserable, pining for you, sacrificing his own happiness for theirs...But he isn't. He won't be casting you a second thought as he's sat on the sofa, cuddling up to his wife and telling her how sorry is and how easy you were.

Go find an unattached man that doesn't treat you like something out of a Christmas cracker. If this man wanted to be with you, wild horses wouldn't stop him - don't be a sap. Leave him be and get a hobby or something. Skydiving or bungee jumping if you need excitement...

LadyVJJ Sat 09-Nov-13 16:47:27

Cog I thought exactly the same about the OP being the gay man who has posted a few times recently asking the same question in a few different ways.
Whether you are him or you are someone else, stay away and do not contact! Put the betrayed family before your own want. He'll never be yours 100%. Concentrate on yourself, away from him.

Leverette Sat 09-Nov-13 16:52:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mattissy Sat 09-Nov-13 16:54:53

He's dumped you, simple. He was too weak to tell you the truth. He's made his choice, he's staying with his wife.

It's the age old "it's not your fault, it's mine and the decision is out of my hands", what bollocks!

Lweji Sat 09-Nov-13 17:24:25

Don't degrade yourself by contacting him now, particularly to tell him about your feelings.
He never loved you btw, and he can probably only love himself too.

suchatwat Sat 09-Nov-13 17:30:18

Why do you think they do it? Especially when you give them every chance to make their life less complicated by saying if you want to stay with your wife, I will leave you alone, but they don't want to finish it. My life has been completely ruined by a MM, I left my husband and son, moved country , family fallout and in the end he was just a cowardly lying piece of shit. I can't get my head around why he put me through all that if he didn't mean to leave. Wrongly or rightly I told his wife, cos I would want to know, she took it really well, which now makes me suspect it wasn't the first time. Lesson learned, I will never ever get involved with a MM again or sadly trust another man.

RosaParksIsBack Sat 09-Nov-13 17:39:40

you left your son?????? shock

Putitonthelist Sat 09-Nov-13 17:44:17

Lweji is spot on. The only person this man loves is himself. I talk from bitter experience. Carry on moving forward with your life and don't look back.

Monetbyhimself Sat 09-Nov-13 17:51:28

He's probably shagging some other sad fool who fell for his 'my wife doesn't understand meeeeeeee' line. Closely followed by 'She doesn't give meeeeeee enough blowjobs sad '

You'll get over it OP. but next time try not to be complicit in ripping the lives of another woman and small children apart.

cjel Sat 09-Nov-13 17:59:57

Stay away. Hes just not that into youx

Rosencrantz Sat 09-Nov-13 18:01:42

He sounds gross. You are better than that.

If you're not, go back by all means.

suchatwat Sat 09-Nov-13 18:07:46

My son is 20.
Reading all the replies I realise I wasn't so special after all, nor was he! I get angrier by the day thinkin how he has treated me, I have no wish to contact ever again, just tryin to build up my broken life
Sorry to hijack but thought I was the only one in this sad stupid situation

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