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Tips for improving DW sex drive

(63 Posts)
guynotagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 15:14:58

Hi all, new here.
Just would like a woman's view on this please.
I'm not a typical guy that's believes I am entitled to sex whenever I want. we have 2 DC and my DW is also studying whilst holding down a full time job etc etc. so I fully understand that we are both tired most of the time but I clearly have a higher sex drive than she does yet she says she does fancy me and wants to have sex.
I try to help with the housework and with the kids but they want her a lot of the time so she feels she does most of it. I just would like any tips to help get her more relaxed and in the mood so to speak.
I don't want her to do it just because she thinks she has to.

Lazyjaney Fri 08-Nov-13 20:45:59

"OP, speaking generally, I think what you might best off seeking a man's view not a woman's"

Or just read the reverse threads about men who wont perform, and see the difference in suggestions. Not quite so much on the tolerance, space and understanding there......

The truth is it could be anything from the OPs failure to be a domestic God all the way through to someone else being into her, and no one here knows because we don't know the people to form a judgement.

The only way the OP is going to find out is by trying different approaches because IMO you seldom get a straight answer talking to people about these sorts of things.

IMO as well, different approaches means not just handing out carrots, but making it clear that there are medium term consequences too.

Summerworld Fri 08-Nov-13 20:40:04

in fairness, guynotagirl, very few couples with young children have a fantastic sex life. Women tend to work in the house more, so they are inevitably the ones feeling more shattered, while husbands "help". Especially if your wife is studying as well, and working full week. It is a lot to manage. The only way out is for her to take a break more often and let you get on with it. Not always easy to do, but men do learn (tongue in cheek) and get better and kids LOVE spending time with their Daddy. I am a much happier person since my DH has taken a greater share of childcare. We probably do close to 50/50 now, although housework is still mine predominantly. Greater involvement on DH's part has also had a positive effect in other parts of our life IYSWIM.

Fairenuff Fri 08-Nov-13 20:17:29

local to where?

QueenQueenie Fri 08-Nov-13 19:19:04

So did I. And...?

olathelawyer05 Fri 08-Nov-13 18:55:31

I think it's a fact that most of the locals are women. I referred to "many" of the locals, meaning not 'all' of them. I'm not really sure whether you're trying to make some kind of point. I said what I meant.

QueenQueenie Fri 08-Nov-13 18:49:46

Are you not a "local" Ola? Or did you mean to write "women"?

olathelawyer05 Fri 08-Nov-13 18:43:21

OP, speaking generally, I think what you might best off seeking a man's view not a woman's (ie. a man who has experienced this with his wife or partner, and has actually solved it. I am not such a man - the issue is not and never will be relevant to me personally). Such a man might be quite difficult to find, but he'll probably get you closer to a solution than asking in a forum like this, where every ambiguity will just tend to be interpreted against you by many of the locals, as you have seen. Best of luck.

QueenQueenie Fri 08-Nov-13 18:32:11

Have only read the op and suspect this may well have been said already... I think a change of atitude / behaviour on your part is your best bet.
By the way your ideas about what a "typical" man thinks are depressing and if typical of your friends doesn't reflect well on you...

ToTheTeeth Fri 08-Nov-13 18:19:05

I think "does she fancy you" is a completely legitimate question.

Look, I get stress and tiredness take their toll, but unless I'm doing it wrong sex isn't that taxing. If you want it you can squeeze it in at some point. It's good for relaxation and there are plenty of non-athletic ways of doing it.

Sexuality is a muscle and you have to use it or lose it. I think the mistake a lot of people make is they think they have to be gagging it before they start. Few people walk around in a state of arousal, but if you start being intimate, cuddling, touching etc it's easy to warm into it. The point is you have to start with the baby steps and want to - which isn't going to happen if you don't fancy your partner.

I also hate the housework queries. Yeah, someone isn't going to want sex with someone they resent, but I hate framing sex as a "job" that women do and can do more off if other chores are taken off their to do list.

MissRee Fri 08-Nov-13 18:09:02

I was all set to jump on OH's head thinking this was him posting but I'm not a size 8 and you have too many children grin

I work full time (long commute), am a part-time student and have 2 kids. My OH makes the same complaint you do in that we don't have enough sex.

Unfortunately I don't have the magic answer for you. All I want to do when it fall into bed at night is sleep. That is no reflection on my OH - I still fancy the pants off him and want to have sex with him, I just can't find the energy! When we do, it's bloody amazing and I resolve to make more time for it... and then the absolute exhaustion kicks in again and that resolve goes out the window.

I don't expect it will last forever - DD is only 2 so I hope that it improves very soon for both our sakes.

TheFabulousIdiot Fri 08-Nov-13 16:53:30

How often do you have sex?

Sorry if this has already be mentioned, I can't see it.

Loopyloulu Fri 08-Nov-13 16:49:22

But it could be true....

sometimes the most obvious causes are overlooked.

fromparistoberlin Fri 08-Nov-13 16:46:42

Have you ever thought she just might not fancy you any more

all heart there, all heart....uncalled for !

kickassangel Fri 08-Nov-13 16:35:26

You see, you're focusing on trying to get her in the loving mood, which is what you want. But you should focus on trying to help her relieve her stress, which is what she needs.

I'm not a doctor, so don't know any true remedies, but try to think of what could de-stress your lives. It sounds like she's in that crazy, 'i must get on, I must get on' mode where she can't switch off to relax, not even for a minute.
Does she sleep/eat well?
Does she get wind down time?

You need to look at the fundamental basics of how to make life less pressured before anything will change. Of course, it may not be something obvious that is causing the stress, so time management won't fix it if the cause is something different. (e.g. my daughter has special needs. no amount of free time will stop me stressing over that, only a magic cure will, so there will always be a certain amount of stress in my life)

Look at ways to relieve stress/pressure in your lives, but also try to talk to her about why she is stressed and what can be done about that, either to eradicate it or learn how to manage it.

Maybe it is something that talking to an outside person would help? This could be a chat with friends/family, or a professional. Be careful, though. Sometimes I start talking about my daughter and I just can't stop crying, so it can be pretty emotional.

Loopyloulu Fri 08-Nov-13 16:33:04

Have you ever thought she just might not fancy you any more or be harbouring resentment over something other than housework? Or she may keep busy to avoid having a space in her head when she is forced to think about all of this-is the busyness a displacement activity for talking to and being close to you pre sex?

guynotagirl Fri 08-Nov-13 15:38:58

kickassangel & Congnito
she is most definitely stressed and I have tried so hard to lift this stress from her but she seems to pile more stress upon yourself and has to have a million things to do even when they don't need doing.
miltilathecat she does love yoga but rarely gets to do it with the kids around a lot.
DD is 9 (she is my SD) sees her dad on Saturdays, DS is 5 and then we have my other DS from previous relationship on sundays, so 3 kids on the sunday isn't exactly relaxing lol
it doesn't help that I get frustrated and feel insecure and we argue and she is insecure, even though she is a size 8 and gorgeous.
I have actually put notes in her study books and ran her baths etc and we are always close and kiss cuddle etc but it never leads to being intimate

Granville72 Fri 08-Nov-13 13:53:08

OK here's a thought for the chaps who need to ask or not sure what needs doing and when.

How about drawing up a rota as to who hoovers, puts a wash on, cooks dinner, kids baths etc. every day? There's no question then as to who or what needs doing and when smile

I might even do this of my OH who needs to ask me as he can't seem to think for himself.

Oh, and do online grocery shopping. Why waste your time trawling round a supermarket fighting up the isles when someone else can do it for you and deliver it to your door. Takes me about 5 minutes to do my weekly shop.

And I'm not a stay at home mum in that sense. Yes I do stay home with my son, but I am a childminder and work 45 hours a week as well as running a house and caring for my own child.

Faerieinatoadstool Fri 08-Nov-13 13:27:16

I've actually copied sections of this to show to my dh.
Oh mners you are so wise... Maybe he will listen to you

nancerama Fri 08-Nov-13 13:24:25

How old are your DC, and is your DW breastfeeding? Mums who have recently had a baby and mums who are still breastfeeding toddlers have hormones all over the place.

I adore my DH and fancy him rotten, but I've only just started feeling normal and relaxed enough up start enjoying being intimate around him during the last few months, and DS is 2. Until very recently my altered oestrogen levels made things downright painful still.

Take it slowly and gently. Lots of cuddles and very gentle kisses to help her to start awakening those feelings again.

fromparistoberlin Fri 08-Nov-13 12:53:16

this is an odd thing to say

but reading this thread, I kind of have penis envy!

mens libidos are just so.....constant!

OP hope you did not get a battering

I am not going to share my advice as (a) sure you have loads and (b) feel a bit yukky giving sex advice to a man, call me a prude

Keepithidden Fri 08-Nov-13 12:44:01

Sorry, should add. It wasn't an automatic distribution of tasks we did talk about who would do what. E.g. the meal planning/shopping side of things. Once upon a time I did the weekly shop, but with the advent of Internet shopping DW has taken over the reigns.

Keepithidden Fri 08-Nov-13 12:42:10

Granville - In a lot of cases it is more the FTWP (Full Time Work Parent) 'helping' the SAHP. Certainly in my case I know what needs doing, but I don't know what is planned in DW mind until I ask her. Hence finding out what meals I should or shouldn't cook, what particular washing load I should put on (towels, sheets, pale or coloured). Hoovering, tidying, bed/bathtime routines etc... are pretty much stand alone so there's no problem there, but for the stuff that requires planning there needs to be a bit of communication and essentially someone who leads and someone who follows, hence the helping.

It is probabaly semantics in some cases, rather than pure mysoginy, hopefully it is in my case anyway.

OP - Sorry, no advice I'm afraid. You'll pick up the posting style here sooner or later and it's an eye opener to the general low level gender stereotyping that happens all the time in our lives.

Granville72 Fri 08-Nov-13 11:41:17

Why do men think they need to 'help' with housework? You know what needs doing to run a house so get on and do it.

My OH doesn't help. He thinks I should have to tell him or ask him to get the hoover out or dust or something. Fecking annoys me.

We have a 15 month old. I do 95% child care, plus the nights. I work 45 hours a week (child minder so from home) all the house work, the garden, chickens and cooking, shopping and on and on. And he wonders why I'm too knackered to even contemplate sex confused

TwoStepsBeyond Fri 08-Nov-13 09:52:01

For me its about the gestures throughout the day, the unprompted kisses and cuddles, the bar of chocolate that show he was thinking of me while he was out, a text message saying he misses me. DP will often come up to me while I am cooking or tidying and tell me how sexy I am and that he can't keep his hands off me. Its not leading anywhere at that point (usually) but its a little reminder of what will happen later.

Also snuggling up together in the evenings, being physically close while watching TV means that we are already in that intimate place by bedtime. With XH we would sit on different sofas, him on his laptop, me watching TV, so neither of us would really talk as it would interrupt what the other was doing.

If your DW is working in the evenings rather than connecting with you then you won't have that closeness that leads to sex when you go up to bed.

Whatever you do, DO NOT be tempted to buy her sex toys or lingerie - my XH thought that gadgets were the answer to everything, he didn't realise (despite being told several times) that respect, thoughtfulness and general intimacy would improve our sex life. He thought that sex would improve intimacy etc. I didn't want sex with someone who was virtually a stranger to me, it most often happened after he'd had a weekday off work, we'd spent some time together, maybe I hadn't had to cook and we'd got a takeaway etc. Its not rocket science.

ninilegsintheair Fri 08-Nov-13 09:36:33

As a mum who is working full-time (day off today before anyone asks!) and studying as well as doing everything a house involves, I can honestly say sex would be the furthest thing from my mind. The studying thing in particular is an added burden - I imagine your wife doesn't get much down-time OP. Totally agree with the 'spread-too thin' theory, that's certainly how I feel, and it's impossible to relax.

It'd be helpful to know what she's studying and how far she is into the course. Date nights out etc might simply give her more pressure as at the back of the mind, the need to study is always there.

Have you asked her what would help the most? For example, does she need a day to herself to study while you take the kids out? You say she feels guilty, and I get that, but she's being a bit unrealistic if she thinks she can be career-woman, supermum and student of the year all at the same time - she'll burn out, and I speak from my own experience.

Little things, little shows of love to her, like cups of tea, a bar of chocolate, can do a world of good when she's feeling under pressure. There is nothing sexier than a supportive, caring partner. This current situation won't last forever, but if she's feeling under pressure to have sex I doubt she'll forget it.

Hope things pick up for you both, OP. smile

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