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Tips for improving DW sex drive

(63 Posts)
guynotagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 15:14:58

Hi all, new here.
Just would like a woman's view on this please.
I'm not a typical guy that's believes I am entitled to sex whenever I want. we have 2 DC and my DW is also studying whilst holding down a full time job etc etc. so I fully understand that we are both tired most of the time but I clearly have a higher sex drive than she does yet she says she does fancy me and wants to have sex.
I try to help with the housework and with the kids but they want her a lot of the time so she feels she does most of it. I just would like any tips to help get her more relaxed and in the mood so to speak.
I don't want her to do it just because she thinks she has to.

fromparistoberlin Fri 08-Nov-13 16:46:42

Have you ever thought she just might not fancy you any more

all heart there, all heart....uncalled for !

Loopyloulu Fri 08-Nov-13 16:49:22

But it could be true....

sometimes the most obvious causes are overlooked.

TheFabulousIdiot Fri 08-Nov-13 16:53:30

How often do you have sex?

Sorry if this has already be mentioned, I can't see it.

MissRee Fri 08-Nov-13 18:09:02

I was all set to jump on OH's head thinking this was him posting but I'm not a size 8 and you have too many children grin

I work full time (long commute), am a part-time student and have 2 kids. My OH makes the same complaint you do in that we don't have enough sex.

Unfortunately I don't have the magic answer for you. All I want to do when it fall into bed at night is sleep. That is no reflection on my OH - I still fancy the pants off him and want to have sex with him, I just can't find the energy! When we do, it's bloody amazing and I resolve to make more time for it... and then the absolute exhaustion kicks in again and that resolve goes out the window.

I don't expect it will last forever - DD is only 2 so I hope that it improves very soon for both our sakes.

ToTheTeeth Fri 08-Nov-13 18:19:05

I think "does she fancy you" is a completely legitimate question.

Look, I get stress and tiredness take their toll, but unless I'm doing it wrong sex isn't that taxing. If you want it you can squeeze it in at some point. It's good for relaxation and there are plenty of non-athletic ways of doing it.

Sexuality is a muscle and you have to use it or lose it. I think the mistake a lot of people make is they think they have to be gagging it before they start. Few people walk around in a state of arousal, but if you start being intimate, cuddling, touching etc it's easy to warm into it. The point is you have to start with the baby steps and want to - which isn't going to happen if you don't fancy your partner.

I also hate the housework queries. Yeah, someone isn't going to want sex with someone they resent, but I hate framing sex as a "job" that women do and can do more off if other chores are taken off their to do list.

QueenQueenie Fri 08-Nov-13 18:32:11

Have only read the op and suspect this may well have been said already... I think a change of atitude / behaviour on your part is your best bet.
By the way your ideas about what a "typical" man thinks are depressing and if typical of your friends doesn't reflect well on you...

olathelawyer05 Fri 08-Nov-13 18:43:21

OP, speaking generally, I think what you might best off seeking a man's view not a woman's (ie. a man who has experienced this with his wife or partner, and has actually solved it. I am not such a man - the issue is not and never will be relevant to me personally). Such a man might be quite difficult to find, but he'll probably get you closer to a solution than asking in a forum like this, where every ambiguity will just tend to be interpreted against you by many of the locals, as you have seen. Best of luck.

QueenQueenie Fri 08-Nov-13 18:49:46

Are you not a "local" Ola? Or did you mean to write "women"?

olathelawyer05 Fri 08-Nov-13 18:55:31

I think it's a fact that most of the locals are women. I referred to "many" of the locals, meaning not 'all' of them. I'm not really sure whether you're trying to make some kind of point. I said what I meant.

QueenQueenie Fri 08-Nov-13 19:19:04

So did I. And...?

Fairenuff Fri 08-Nov-13 20:17:29

local to where?

Summerworld Fri 08-Nov-13 20:40:04

in fairness, guynotagirl, very few couples with young children have a fantastic sex life. Women tend to work in the house more, so they are inevitably the ones feeling more shattered, while husbands "help". Especially if your wife is studying as well, and working full week. It is a lot to manage. The only way out is for her to take a break more often and let you get on with it. Not always easy to do, but men do learn (tongue in cheek) and get better and kids LOVE spending time with their Daddy. I am a much happier person since my DH has taken a greater share of childcare. We probably do close to 50/50 now, although housework is still mine predominantly. Greater involvement on DH's part has also had a positive effect in other parts of our life IYSWIM.

Lazyjaney Fri 08-Nov-13 20:45:59

"OP, speaking generally, I think what you might best off seeking a man's view not a woman's"

Or just read the reverse threads about men who wont perform, and see the difference in suggestions. Not quite so much on the tolerance, space and understanding there......

The truth is it could be anything from the OPs failure to be a domestic God all the way through to someone else being into her, and no one here knows because we don't know the people to form a judgement.

The only way the OP is going to find out is by trying different approaches because IMO you seldom get a straight answer talking to people about these sorts of things.

IMO as well, different approaches means not just handing out carrots, but making it clear that there are medium term consequences too.

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