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Please tell me honestly, is it me being out of order here?

(156 Posts)
BikerMiceFromMars Wed 06-Nov-13 23:47:52

NC for this post.

Dh and I have been together 10 years, married 5. We have two dc - one 2years old one 10 weeks.

For as long as we've lived together, he has always gone out drinking with friends after work. Up until 18 months ago it was 3-4 times a week, but since life has got considerably harder for me (went back to work full time pregnant, looking after toddler and newborn, do all the housework, 90% of parenting, handle all finances, and will be returning back to work again FT very soon), I have asked him to cut back going out to once a week.

Money is very tight at the moment as it is and even if it wasn't a money issue life's very tough for me atm I've got pnd a trying to struggle through each day, so really look forward to his home time to get a bit of help at bedtime. If he's not out drinking he comes home around 8pm and out from 7am, so out the house for long hours.

When he's put drinking hell drink until 1-2am and roll home steaming drunk maybe 3-4am.

The biggest problem I have is that he'll text or call that he's on his way home and bringing dinner with him, then I'll wait, wait and wait and by 9/10pm I realise he's out drinking and order a takeaway and he'll come home in the early hours and there's always an excuse as to why he had to go out.

He'll never call to say he's staying out as he knows I'll get angry and always switches his phone off so he's not contactable. This really upsets me as I feel with two small children we should always be contactable to each other - either keep your phone on or let me know the bar you're in at he very least. What if I had an accident, or one of the dc had to go hospital. We have no car and not family nearby so I think it's important we should be able to rely on each other.

We had row after row about this behaviour, he always apologises but does it yet again.

I never ever EVER get time to myself, I don't get to haveax pram fom night out, or even go to the gym as he's never home early enough for me to go out int he evening to the gym for an hour or so, and one the weekend he's usually too hungover to look after dc.

This has gone on for so many years now, I'm beginning to think am I being the one that's out of order? Is it totally normal a nd accept ale for him to go out drinking to the point of falling in the street whenever he fancies it, and not tell me and leave me waiting for him.

I could understand if it was every once in a while say once every other week, but it's whenever he feels like it. Literally. He acts like a single man instead of a father of a toddler and baby.

I really am doubting myself now as to whether I'm being unreasonably by asking him to be home every night at least for the next month or so while I'm struggling so much and then maybe go out once every other week until life gets easier for me. I understand if he's late back because of work, but it's just hurtful when he says he's on his waxy home then turns his phone off and stays out til 3am.

Just so I don't leave anything out, he's had a weeks holiday away with friends 3 weeks ago, which was nonstop drinking so it's not like he's not gone out in years.

Me n the other hand, I can't remember even going the toilet alone without my toddler following me or baby screaming.

CalamityKate Wed 06-Nov-13 23:49:45

No. It's not you being OOO. It's him.

BikerMiceFromMars Wed 06-Nov-13 23:50:28

Sorry for all the typos.

Clobbered Wed 06-Nov-13 23:52:20

How can you possibly believe that is you who is out of order here? Your other half is behaving in a very selfish way, pissing away family money and leaving you to bring up his kids. What exactly is he bringing to the relationship? Sorry but he sounds like an inconsiderate arsehole. YABU for tolerating his nonsense.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 06-Nov-13 23:52:46

He's a twat.

He has a toddler and small baby and a wife with PND.

This is the time that a proper man steps up and looks after his family.

Why on earth did he take a week's holiday away with friends at a time like this?

That is not remotely normal.

Why did you accept that?

He's a shit husband and a crappy father.

showtunesgirl Wed 06-Nov-13 23:53:54

I'm confused. Exactly what do you get out of this relationship? confused

Shellywelly1973 Wed 06-Nov-13 23:55:10

Bloody hell!

Im wondering why your even with him! He sounds such a selfish piss head!

Seriously this is a ridiculous & unsustainable existence.Why are you still with him? What are you getting out of this 'relationship'?

footflapper Wed 06-Nov-13 23:55:30

He's taking the piss sad

BikerMiceFromMars Wed 06-Nov-13 23:59:37

It's been going on for so long and all his friends in the industry we both work in, are exactly the same, that it's got the point where I can argue anymore. I literally don't know if I am the one being unreasonable anymore. He makes me feel like it's his right to go out when he chooses. Because he goes out with workmates he says he has to go out to "network" but I do the same f_ing job as him.

We've rowed so badly about this same argument time and time again a nd he always promises he wont. Do it, he'll be contactable etc, but after say 3-4 days he slips back to old behaviour.

I can honestly say he has never gone one full work week without being home every night to help with bedtime. The most he's managed is 3 days.

I don't know what else to do. It breaks my heart to be treated this way, but we love each other, he loves the children and I don't want to break us up. But I can't continue this way. This is the toughest my life has ever been and if he can't be here for a month when I need him the most when will he be.

wontletmesignin Thu 07-Nov-13 00:01:06

if you were doing something similar, and he expressed to you on a number of occasions how much your actions were bothering him. would you continue doing it?

wontletmesignin Thu 07-Nov-13 00:03:13

he has no respect for you what so ever.
you would be far better off without him. he is bringing nothing to your relationship right now, apart from negatives.
without him, the negatives would go and you could build on the positives without a selfish git dragging you down.

you will then be able to create a better life for your kids and yourself

wontletmesignin Thu 07-Nov-13 00:04:48

you are worth so much more than that! you deserve so much better than that!

BasilBabyEater Thu 07-Nov-13 00:07:52

Er, why are you still living with this parasitical drunk?

He doesn't love you, he's using you as a convenience.

He is a shit husband and a shit father.

What on earth are you doing with him?

What will happen if you decide tht you need to get pissed 3 nights a week "networking" when you go back to work?

This bloke is taking the piss and it's astonishing that you can't see that.

Ring Al Anon. Describe his drinking to them. See what they've got to say about him. He's prioritising his drinking over you and his children. That's a fucking major problem.

It's not you, it's him. You're being treated like shit here. You deserve better.

MoominMammasHandbag Thu 07-Nov-13 00:09:16

He is treating you appallingly. It really doesn't sound like any definition of love I've ever heard.

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue Thu 07-Nov-13 00:10:47

My guess is he is in the Police.

Do not put up with this.

BikerMiceFromMars Thu 07-Nov-13 00:13:41

Thank you its good to know its not me over reacting or beibg a nag as he says.

I will call al anon and see what they say. He refuses tp admit he has a drink problem but he drunks every single day even if its just 2 beers its still everyday.

My other worry is whether he could be hsving sn affair. He said he would never do that but hes hardly home and when out switches his phone off.

do you think it could be an affair?

wontletmesignin Thu 07-Nov-13 00:17:31

dont concern yourself over an affair - seriously. he isn't worth your time or worry over that matter.
he is a selfish twat, and you need to get you and your kids away from him asap.
it will be difficult, but it will be worth it in the end.

Shellywelly1973 Thu 07-Nov-13 00:17:49

I think its your dh lack of care for you that I find the hardest to understand. Has been like this before when you've really needed him?

If the drinking & networking are part of the job-will you be doing the same when you return to work?

You know the old saying of whats good for the goose& all that!

MyNameIsInigoMontoya Thu 07-Nov-13 00:18:40

Honestly? He doesn't love you. Or at any rate, not more than he loves going out on the piss. Nor does he love the kids. If you love someone, you want to see them - not go half the week without setting eyes on them cos they were already in bed. If you love someone and they're struggling, you are there for them and do your best to help. You don't leave them stressed, hungry and upset while you fuck off drinking, and then make them feel bad about even trying to contact you.

Put that together with the fact you have been/soon will be working FT again, and are doing everything else as well - and why exactly are you with him? You are literally not getting anything from this relationship. You are nothing to him except the facilitator of his lifestyle. (Yeah, he probably would be sad to lose you - but for that reason only).

Sorry, I know that sounds really harsh - but to quote Maya Angelou, "If someone shows you what they're like - believe them" sad

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 07-Nov-13 00:18:57

Yes, it could be an affair if he's barely ever at home and uncontactable when he's out.

Whether it's an affair or not, he's a total prick and he treats you like shit.

OvaryAction Thu 07-Nov-13 00:20:18

In what ways does he enhance your life?

You sound like you'd be a lot better off in the long run without him.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 07-Nov-13 00:20:53

And he's too hungover at the weekends to EVER look after his own children?

You are effectively imprisoned by his drinking.

It's a ridiculous situation.

And your children will not thank you if you make them grow up in a home with a father like this in it.

nocarsgo Thu 07-Nov-13 00:22:49

You do not have a problem.

He has an alcohol problem, and is a selfish, irresponsible arse with no love or respect for you.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Viviennemary Thu 07-Nov-13 00:24:35

He does sound a complete waste of time whichever way you look at it. What is the point of having a partner like this. He doesn't seem to be contributing anything at all to the family. Phone switched off and not contactable. I don't think many people could put up with this without being driven mad. He needs to be told shape up or go.

Vakant Thu 07-Nov-13 00:24:50

YANBU. To be honest, if my husband was like this, I would divorce him.

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