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What now?

(6 Posts)
Bigbird01 Wed 06-Nov-13 22:59:43

So, about 2 weeks ago I finally summoned up the courage to tell my DH that I wanted out - it's taken a long time (I can't tell you how many times it has stuck in my throat), but the idea of spending time with him filled me with dread and now the words are out there...
He took it remarkably well. This is a man well known for his over-reactions. But he was calm and understanding and (so far at least) we have found an amicable way of agreeing how to move forward. I can afford to buy him out the house and he has found a house he has decided to buy, but now he has asked that he stays in the house until he can move into his new place (so that he can see our two young children and so that he doesn't have to 'throw money away' on rent). The problem is I now feel that I am trapped in a no-mans-land. When the kids are around we play act that everything is normal, when they are asleep he seems to spend the majority of the time trying to convince me that I've made a stupid mistake. He suffers from depression so I feel like I need to try to do this as gently as possible, but I feel more tied down and restricted than ever now. I know that (assuming the purchase of his house goes through ok) there is only so long this can drag out for, but it's like I've made this huge step by making the decisions and it has come to nothing...

Tonight I asked him if he wanted me to order some Christmas cards for him from the kids school and he acted really surprised. I suddenly realised he thought we'd be sending cards together - I thought he'd be moved out well before Christmas...

Sorry - starting to ramble now. i just need to get this off my chest. Thought I'd done the hardest part :-( Any thoughts or similar experiences out there??

tightfortime Wed 06-Nov-13 23:23:49

No, this is the hardest part.

I had to share a house too until he found somewhere else and after that, it finally sold. What's worse is that we worked together and he spent his time flipping between trying to persuade me to change my mind or going nuts at me.

It was a very long few months. I went to the gym, rekindled friendships I had let go, saw my family a lot and arranged nights out with sleepovers to stay apart as much as possible.

Don't do stuff for him while under one roof, including Christmas cards. He needs to realise this is actually happening. My ex dragged it out until one night he was appalling, I was scared, flipped and told him he had to be out by end of the month. Kept repeating and not discussing anything with him at home.

But get him out ASAP, even if it's wasted rent. The images of him blocking a doorway and begging me for sex while screaming that I must be having an affair when all I wanted after exhausting day was to go to bed (in spare room) still haunt me.

It's not fair on you or him. Out. Soon as.

Dahlen Wed 06-Nov-13 23:24:22

If he's being unreasonable I can see why you wouldn't want to appear heartless and cruel, but I think you have to insist he moves out, regardless of the financial cost. It's not fair on you that he is constantly questioning your decision, and it's not fair on him to be under the impression that he's in with a chance.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Nov-13 07:01:03

You have to explain to him that this arrangement isn't working and that either he stops trying to convince you you've made a mistake or he'll have to get his own place a lot quicker. Have you actually seen this house he's buying? Does he genuinely accept the marriage is over?

Bigbird01 Thu 07-Nov-13 21:48:47

The house he is buying is for real (thankfully). He asked me to view it with him and I've seen the correspondence with the surveyor (today - all looking good - phew!). He is pulling at the heart strings a lot but I am standing firm. I don't believe he is deliberately trying to manipulate me - he's just trying to protect himself.
How long does a house purchase take with no chain? (It's 13 years since I've bought a house).

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Nov-13 21:49:36

Last one I bought took 10 weeks and that was going some.

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