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Whatnext074 - thread continued

(1000 Posts)
Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 19:57:08

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

redundantandbitter Thu 26-Dec-13 21:38:11

Don't feel ashamed! , they are your feelings, thoughts and emotions. They have value. BUT too much dwelling just reinforces negative thinking. What you need now are new positive thoughts. Push him out and move some new thoughts in - imagine you are refurbishing your thoughts. Yeah - I appreciate that sounds a bit shit but I know what I mean....

Whatnext074 Thu 26-Dec-13 21:32:53

Regarding my previous post. I don't have the right, I know that and my DS means so much to me. I just want the pain to end (quickly). I'm trying everything. I'll be okay.

Baby steps

Whatnext074 Thu 26-Dec-13 21:19:30

Thank you so much walkingthedogs, that has made me feel a bit choked up. So many people have helped me on here that I forget that others gain advice from here too.

You're right, we can't get any lower. I'm ashamed to say though that I have recently thought that I don't want to be here again and have spent a lot of time with my amazing DS to get thoughts out of my head. I am ashamed.

R&B - I will read the book, I know where you were just a couple of weeks ago and it's heartening to hear that it is helping you.

My thread is nearly full, just when I need extra advice. I might name change and start another xx

walkingthedogs Thu 26-Dec-13 21:03:54

I too am with you, my dp of 16 years went on holiday in October with ow to a place we always said we would go to, she now spends a lot of her time in our house but that will change when I move back, I have also gone the "1 step forward and 10 back" but reading all the comments on here has helped me so you at the moment, I see no future but we cant get any lower, so I am hoping that the only way is up...please keep up with this thread as it helps so many other people in ways you would never of thought of

redundantandbitter Thu 26-Dec-13 21:02:21

Stop that what! You don't KNOW he's having a good time, or looking forward to new year with ow. For all you know they could be fighting like cat And mouse, or in tears remembering last year or any number of things. The fact is you don't know. He's on holiday, that's all. There's a section in the book about separating feelings and facts. Don't imagine his life - I guarantee it's not as you think. And you're wasting your time focussing on him - you should be concentrating on something you can influence - yourself. Forge yourself some new ways if thinking, leave the old thoughts behind. Too damaging xx

Whatnext074 Thu 26-Dec-13 20:11:08

Thank you R&B

walkingthedogs - I'm so glad that this thread and my others has helped others too. The advice I have received has been invaluable and I feel bad that as I had moved forward so much after the great advice that I am now seemingly going backwards.

I want to be strong and I want to get back to where I was. Still finding it very hard knowing that my H is somewhere on holiday with his OW and has spent a much better C/mas than I did and is looking forward to spending new year with her and making plans for their future. It should be me having a great time, he should be suffering - not me, I don't deserve it.

walkingthedogs Thu 26-Dec-13 19:56:37

I have been following this thread as well as your other but have never commented, so many of the replies to you have helped me so much and I wish to thank those who have don't just help the op but many others who read but don't comment
I am with you in the way of its also been 3 months for me and I myself as others think "I should get over it" but its harder said than done, Christmas day was a bit of a strange one as I spent it with his family and he spent it alone with our dogs for company

redundantandbitter Thu 26-Dec-13 19:36:50

What - I know what you mean. My DM is here and not once yesterday did she mention my exp. last Christmas wS the first time he managed to spend Xmas day with me - even though he arrived at 11pm after work . It was the thought .

Everyone thinks you are 'over' and it just doesn't work like that. You go forwards and then backwards, and people just don't bring it up in conversation any more. Their lives have moved on. This is why I go to counselling sessions at relate. It's only once a week/fortnight but you get to discuss your feelings. I've not had a session (yet) where I haven't been in tears but one day I will be ok. Have you thought about organising someone up talk to? - or chase your GP for counselling waiting list update? You think it would help you before you go into mediation?

The grieving is a long process ... You slip Into the dip but eventually you will Come out the other side . But it takes time.

You are doing well, small steps . The way i see it is The more work you do now the less it will come back to haunt you. Unlike our ex's who have skipped away into the sunset without addressing the REAL issues. More fool them.

Whatnext074 Thu 26-Dec-13 19:22:23

Thank you babycow and I'm sorry to hear that it was/is so hard for you too.

Nobody mentioned my H, nobody asked me how I was doing. I'm sure they just didn't want to upset me but part of it is because they don't want to talk about it, so they don't.

But, this is my life and this is my loss and both me and my DS were feeling it and trying to put a brave face on. People think that as it's been over 3 months now, I should be 'over it', I've been told that and I was told that again today.

I find it hard that now I'm not in a couple, I don't get a double bed anymore when I stay with family - I know it's a little thing but it has affected me. Instead, I'm 'coupled' with my 20 year old son which I don't think is appropriate. Last night wasn't the first time that has happened.

I don't talk about what I'm going through anymore, some people almost seem angry with me if I do talk about it.

I am back to basics, small steps, every day. Need to get my strength back for mediation in January and divorce soon after.

Thank you for your kind words and much as I don't want anyone else to go through this, it helps to know I'm not alone xx

babycow38 Thu 26-Dec-13 18:26:32

Hi What, just wanted to let you know you are really brave for gettig through the last few days, Christmas is the worst time to have to deal with splitting up, it just emphasises everything and thats what i keep telling myself ass well, just doing everything i can to get through and then it will be a new year. I had xmas day with my girls and at my sisters family and although i was glad pf the distraction and the kids enjoyed it ,it was physically and emotionally painful for me,i had to go to the loo at one point and just lay on the floor, it was seeing my sister with her partner ,all loved up and seemingly unaware that even though its been 4 months for me i was hurting. People do not really understand how long it takes to get over losing your family life to OW. My exDP is dropping the DC off in an hour and going straight to hers to spend "XMAS DAY" with her and her daughter. I just dont understand how they can compartment their lives so easily. Its agony , know and just wanted to say you are not alone on here, also your thread has also helped me as well, so you are amazing,keep going love xxxx

Whatnext074 Thu 26-Dec-13 16:39:40

mrsmciver - I'm so sorry to hear that, I really am. How are you today? Do you have a thread?

I'm home early, my DB and SIL place was near to flooding as the river burst it's banks so we all had to evacuate and I stayed at my DSis. I cried myself to sleep literally as I slept in bunk beds with my DS (he wasn't in the room at the time). Nobody saw me crying on C/mas Day.

Today, I felt back to square one and sobbed in the bathroom most of the morning and then made my excuses and came home. It has been so terribly hard and I am starting to wonder if I will ever, ever get over this.

I can't have my H back and he wouldn't come back but all the familiarity has gone and I just feel so lost. I miss my marriage, I miss my future that we had planned.

springysofa Thu 26-Dec-13 00:49:51

Dear me, your mum does seem to say the most inappropriate, unhelpful things!

this time of year is just pants if there's even a twinge of heartache, let alone what you've had to face. If it helps at all, I've been sobbing at the most ridiculous things on telly today - the properly sad bits had me practically on the floor.

Lovely, be kind to yourself, look after yourself. Don't apologise to your mum - please! You have nothing to apologise for . She may not be able to cope with severe emotion but that doesn't mean you can't, or shouldn't. It's her bad if she can't handle it, not yours.

HOpe you've had a decent day today with people who are sensitive xxx

skyeskyeskye Wed 25-Dec-13 23:12:21

What next, it takes time, no matter what your mum says. She probably means well. But get over it, oh if only it were that easy!

Mrsm - hope you are ok, here if you need a chat.

It is always hard hearing news but nothing can ever be as bad as the first initial shock. You are strong enough to keep on keeping on and I hope that you have enjoyed your Christmas Day, both if you.

mrsmciver Wed 25-Dec-13 11:35:17

Oh Whatnext. I feel your pain. I finally found out yesterday that my husband is definitely with the other woman. He is spending all the hols with her. I am bereft. I was a total mess yesterday. I spent all day crying and it is my little granddaughters first Christmas too. My girls are just devastated.
Everyone on here that is going through this, my heart goes out to you. I am so broken. I have wailed like an animal all night. I feel like I am back to square one. xxx

redundantandbitter Wed 25-Dec-13 10:53:22

Here's a snog... And a playful slap on the bum... these meds are bonkers!

Are you seeing family today? X

whyme32 Wed 25-Dec-13 10:33:46

Merry Christmas Whatnext! Thinking of you are wishing you well. Onwards and upwards from hereon in. This will be your biggest milestone then you can accomplish anything x x x

itwillgetbettersoon Tue 24-Dec-13 23:28:24

Keep looking forward What. Your lovely new nephew, your DS and DB. Ignore your mum- they say the most inappropriate things. Christmas Eve is nearly over and in 24hrs Christmas will nearly be over.

2014 is is close. A new year and a new start.

redundantandbitter Tue 24-Dec-13 23:16:18

Yeah, you know your mum loves you what
But she's not exactly helpful in the dark moments is she? She's worried about you - and your DS is. They want you to stay intact but its hard when you've been shattered to keep
It altogether all the time. Of course you'll slip, like tonight, and there doesn't always seem to be a reason. It just sneaks up on you and before you know it you are sobbing in your dinner.

Come on, least you know you've had a low moment and hopefully the next one will be about further away. You are one heck of a tough cookie - get that slap on tomorrow and tells everyone you HAVE had work done!

mamma I'll swap my DM for your any day driving me round the bleedin bend

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 22:41:25

Honestly- mums just worry...a lot!!! She's thinking back to the darkest're not the are you?

25???? Omg....I wish. Girlfriend..I wouldn't be sat here alone on Xmas eve if I was 25...believe me!!!!!!!!


Whatnext074 Tue 24-Dec-13 22:39:16

She's just text me again after I text her to ay sorry for crying. She said again that I will kill myself and my DS needs me. I'll just leave it now. I only had one glass of wine.

I feel a tiny bit better after my hysterical sobbing.

Mamma - I thought you were 25 now.......x

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 22:32:08

That's 'when I was 26...'

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 22:31:41

Listen, if ignore your mum. Seriously, they say the oddest things.

Even I was 26 I slit up with the love if my life. He ends it very, very brutally. I loved him more than life itself. My mum told me i needed to face up to the fact that I might never find live again. At 26!!!!!!!!!!! Wtf!!!!!!! That was her advice?!

Whatnext074 Tue 24-Dec-13 22:25:46

Thank you again. My DS is okay but told me he doesn't want to see me get upset tomorrow. My Mum told me to pull myself together as my H doesn't want me and he left me months ago (I know). I'm just struggling tonight and it hit me very unexpectedly. I just completely crumbled over my dinner, didn't realise my DS was standing there and he asked if he should call an ambulance.

I've just cut his hair (hope it's okay) and we had a chat.

Haven't wrapped a single present, am going to do that now.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 22:24:20

That's so funny. I'd like a bit if time to myself too...

redundantandbitter Tue 24-Dec-13 22:11:53

Could you tell my DM that I need time by myself please!! wink

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