Can this work?

[violet123]

I have been in a relationship for just over 2 years. We don't live together but spend all our free time together. The issue is that we both have children from previous relationships, but they don't live in the same area. Every other weekend, we spend (separately) with our children. He goes to visit his children who live 2 hours away and stays for the whole weekend.
My problem is that I can't see how things can work out long term if we can never have any family time together with all our children together. They are 12 and 14 and have their own lives/interests where they live, and do not want to spend weekends where we live.
I would never want to stop him seeing them but can't see how this relationship could work if we and our children are never able to spend time all together, especially at christmas/birthdays etc.
AIBU? is there a way to make this work? Or should I accept that nothing is perfect and accept it for what it is?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I don't really see a problem here.
Is it working right now?
Are you OK with the way things are?
So you don't spend every other weekend together. This is what happens with lots of relationships in this day and age.
You many want a blended family but on average 50% of these don't work.
Why can't things stay the way they are?

[Andy1964]

If you want it to work, it will.
don't forget, the children are getting much older too so it won't be long before they would rather be off doing their own thing rather than hang out with mum and dad/step mum and step dad.
"Your just soooo embarrasing" lol

Go for it it you want it bad enough and don't spoil what you have

[violet123]

OK. I will be honest. It is actually me that has the children that live 2 hours away. I don't usually say it, because it is a complicated situation and I don't want to explain. The fact is that I am happy with the situation but he is not. It is ok at the moment, but he says if we get married he won't want me going away for weekends/days over christmas etc. I do understand his point of view but feel it is ureasonable.

[Blondeorbrunette]

He will just have to lump it won't he. You see your kids every two weeks and unless that's going to change he really had no point.

Your kids come first right.

He spends time with his children so it's a bit rich.

[Cabrinha]

I think it won't work.
I started off thinking that it could, especially as you're only a few years away from the kids flying the nest anyway.
What makes me think it won't work is his attitude, not the situation.
Really? He doesn't want you spending every fortnight weekend with your kids?
I think it's fair if he says on some occasions he'd like you all to be together with him - Xmas maybe.
But if he can't cope with a fortnight weekend off for something this important, I just don't think he's worth it, overall.
And hugs to the complication. I know several happy kids who don't live where you / with whom you might expect.

[violet123]

Thank you Cabrinha. I don't think that it is me spending time with the kids that is the problem exactly, just that it won't include him. It is partly for practical reasons - we don't have enough space for all of us together. and my children have had a difficult time recently for lots of reasons and I don't want them to have to deal with any more changes than absolutely necessary. I have a great relationship with them now and I can't risk that for anything, as much as I love him. We had a discussion about it last night and he said a marriage/relationship couldn't survive one person being absent like this - it just wouldn't work but I am not sure if it is something he could come to accept. Like you said, it won't be forever, they will soon be grown up (which of course, is another reason I want to spend as much time as possible with them!) I just can't understand why he doesn't get that of course they are more important than anything/anyone else!

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I think it would be very strange to marry a man that had no relationship with your children.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

IMHO relationships can thrive on some separation, it keeps you two separate people who have more to say to each other and enjoy their time together more.

Is there no way to include him, at least some of the time? If he is an important part of your life, I don't see why your DC shouldn't see that for themselves.

[Dahlen]

Has he met them?

[hellsbellsmelons]

He can't deal with every other weekend you being away?
Many families have one or other parent who spends the entire week away working and staying somewhere else and they cope!
I had 2 years of it and for many it's totally normal.
I think there's more to this than meets the eye.
He's sounding controlling to me and I'm not liking it.
As long as you stand your ground, which you sound as though you will, he will have to suck it up or bugger off - quite frankly!

[violet123]

Yes, he has met them. They got on well, but I am a bit reticent about them building up more of a relationship if it is not going to work out - does that make sense?

[Dahlen]

That makes perfect sense. You don't want your children forming a bond with someone who may not be part of their lives long term. I think that's very sensible and protective of you.

However, you've been together two years now. From his POV if you're unwilling to let him get to know your children better I can see why he'd feel you were excluding him from an important area of your life. Regardless of who your children live with on a day-to-day basis, they are one of the most defining and significant parts of who you are. Keeping them separate from your BF is like keeping a huge part of you separate from him.

It is more difficult because you're not the residential parent. I understand completely why you don't want to share your time with your DC with a third party, although to me that says a lot about how you feel about your BF. If you were convinced he was right for you I think you'd be exploring ways to involve him more while also trying to keep some mum-and-DC time separate.

Do you share Christmases with your X? If so, what is to stop you following the normal separated parents pattern of you each taking turns to have the DC at Christmas? Then your BF could be involved alternate years. Or is the pattern that they stay there and you visit them in their home on Christmas Day?

[violet123]

Thanks Dahlen, that is great advice. I think I had been hesitant, but obviously if this is going to work out long term he does need to feel included. I need to put some thought into how to do it now!