Do bachelors ever want to live with a woman again??

[sharesinNivea]

When a grown man is settled into his bachelor life with his Xbox and Ikea anglepoise lamps and talks about possibly buying the flat he currently rents one day, and has already been in a very long term live-in relationship, he is probably never going to want to lose all that freedom and shack up with a woman with two young kids whose everyday natural exuberance (also known as Screeching!) makes him wince painfully?

We have been dating for around 16 months and he stays over every weekend and might see eachother inthe week for coffee.

Lately I cannot get this idea out of my head that I feel ready in the next year or so to possibly live with a man again (my financial situation depending) , but as he has 'been there,done that ' already, and this is the first time he has lived by himself, my romantic balloon is heavy as lead I suspect :( It's not looking like a possibility inthe future is it?

[maypoledancer]

:(
Maybe your feeling like you might be ready to live with someone again would be better poured into a feeling that you should probably find another partner?

It sounds really mean but if you get together with someone and you are both battle scarred then a 'once or twice a week while maintaining my own space' is ideal. But you can't hope or expect that the other person will reach the point where they want something more at the same time as you do.

I've been living as a single mum for a year and enjoy the solitude rather than fear the loneliness (it wasn't like that at the beginning). I can't imagine wanting to share my precious space with a live-in partner.

I've been having a very enjoyable, sporadic recreational relationship for a while. It wouldn't work on a different footing because it suits both of us. But recently, once or twice, I have found myself thinking that while it's exciting and passionate as it is, I wouldn't mind having someone to go for a walk on the beach with or plan a weekend away. I know the man in my life wouldn't be in the market for that, and nor would I, until recently.

So I take this as a sign that I am getting ready to move on, and intend to be open-minded about that. But I don't think in any way or expect that my shift in emphasis would be matched by this man I am seeing, and I accept that.

It's great when it works and fits, but sometimes that is only a matter of being in a particular time and space and expectations and needs change - usually on one side.

I don't know you or your partner, but I wouldn't be hugely optimistic about this one.

But that may not be a bad thing, you would be better off with someone who embraces and loves your 'natural exuberance' rather than wants to keep it, and you, contained and at arms' length. x

[maypoledancer]

Ugh, I meant 'you're' in the first sentence, sorry!

[maypoledancer]

Actually no I didn't. I meant 'that' rather than 'like', digging myself into a hole here. I hope you know what I mean

[MiniMonty]

OP - you hunch is correct - you are on a hiding to nothing here.
Men past a certain age who have financial security and a fulfilling (or just fun) life will never give it up - and if you think about it - why would they?

I have more than one divorced (or never married) male friend in exactly this situation and they're having a great time with random recreational sex now and then, their own pad with everything just how they want it and a "mistress" type relationship with a woman who harbours a belief that he will one day want her to move in - but it never happens. He just goes on grinning in what is essentially a dream life for a man-child and she goes on mistakenly believing that he will one day miraculously see the richness and rewards of family life - but he won't. He has gone as far as he emotionally can - and will never go further.

After 16 months "staying over at weekends" should tell you the whole story - if anything more was going to happen it already would have.
Grown ups get on with it and, like many men in this pattern, he's got on with it and set you up as the mistress for fun, sex and coffee without having to have any more responsibility or commitment.
For him - perfect. FOr you - well, you're posting it on here as an issue...

It's for you to choose how you go forward but I'll tell you this, I have many more friends, divorced and otherwise, who long for the rewards and richness of family life, who are good fathers, who are good men and who, after sixteen months would want a lot more than "staying over at weekends" .

You're being taken for a ride by a stereotype.
Run...

[sharesinNivea]

It's not that generalised though Monty, I don't think.
He lived with someone for a very long time from 24 to 40 - never married them or had children (her choices) - and I've come from a 7 year DV relationship. We both had 4 years on our own before meeting
eachother.

He's a Good Man, that is consistently agreed by everyone who knows him - both our families, friends, work colleagues, everyone.

And it's nice that he's enjoying a bachelor lifestyle as he has never lived on his own before, I'm glad he has this experience.

But I'm under no illusion we'll ever live together. I can't see he'd want to give the bachelor thing up and repeat history by living with another woman with two children. I'd marry him in an instant, I love him that much. But I just need people to remind me I'm romanticising and not being realistic, I can take it .

[MistressDeeCee]

Well - I'm happily settled with an ex so-called confirmed batchelor. He was single for 4 years before we got together. We did 3 years of staying with each other alternate weekends - he mostly came to me tho as my DDs were younger then. We'd also make sure we met up at least once during the week even if just for a coffee and chat.

The thing is, everybody's different. I did have what I called my 'moments of thoughtful panic' in terms of how future commitment would work. But essentially, we were both looking in the same future direction. Just,in no rush. I realised for me that whilst I loved him, I liked having time and space to devote solely to my DCs alongside that. There's no way I'd have been ready to live with him after 16 months. I need a longer lead-in period than that. As said, everyone's different; that might be too long for some. But I was still ready before he was. I don't feel he was wrong to not want commitment at the exact same time as I did, tho. It worked out ok for us in the end after a lot of talking and soulsearching, and we're happy enough.

There's no 'right' way to do things, really. But if there's no mention at all of a future together then that would be a red flag for me. As well as him wincing painfully when your DDs are noisy..

You've been together for a while now - ask him how he feels about commitment, even if you ask in a roundabout way if that would make it more comfortable for you. When you have his answer, that might make the way ahead clearer for you. Its always better to ask than assume or second-guess, in any event.

[bragmatic]

Possibly not, but it doesn't mean you can't have a lovely long term - maybe lifetime relationship.

Were my husband and I to split (ok, unlikely in the foreseeable future) I can't see myself cohabiting again, particularly with my kids at home.

You can still be in a committed relationship.

[Eastpoint]

A friend of mine was in a relationship like that & enjoyed keeping her own life/home. They did marry in the end (after 11 years) as he became ill and decided in fact they would like to make that commitment. Even after they married they kept their two properties, they also bought a weekend house together to share. After he died she sold the other properties & continues to live in her original home.

It sounds from your posts as if you would prefer a more conventional set up.

[Lazyjaney]

"He just goes on grinning in what is essentially a dream life for a man-child"

I don't think that's entirely right. In my experience many men who are divorced or have been in long term relationships before also reach a stage where they don't want to live with someone else. Also if they have had their families they often don't want to take on another one.

It's not just men who are like this btw, I know a few divorced women who like their independence and are not at all in a hurry to shack up again.

[Horsemad]

I'm not sure - I commented to DH only the other day that I know more women than men who are single (talking 30-50 age range, who've been married/ltr previously). DH thought that was rubbish, but it's true!

Most men I know don't remain single for long, with the exception of one I know who is probably a marriagephobe even though he lived with someone for 15yrs. He's had a few relationships since, but the women all bin him off for some reason.

I think maybe men don't leave unless there's another woman to go to? Also, some men are not good at being on their own like my step FIL who took up with my widowed MIL within months of his wife dying.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Just because "some" men or "most men" one poster knows is like that, doesn't mean your guy is, OP. We don't know your guy, do we, and all the generalisations in the world don't actually answer your question.

The thing to do, see, is ASK him where he sees things going long-term. I think after that amount of time, that's perfectly reasonable. And then you decide whether what he wants or sees in the future fits in with what you want or sees in your future.

I think it's not unreasonable for a guy, if he has never lived on his own before, to want to spend a few years living on his own. Doesn't mean he's playing the field. It's actually, in my opinion, a good thing - means he is comfortable in his own skin and in his own company and doesn't jump straight back into living with the first woman that comes along because he can't cope being single.

[Suelford]

Maybe you should ask him instead of us, we don't know him.

[Dahlen]

Why not just ask him? He could be unwilling to change his situation. He could be just living in the moment (many people do). He might feel he can't ask because you're the one with children (and therefore more to risk) and he has chosen to be led by you on this. You won't know unless you ask. Guessing is a recipe for misunderstandings and resentment.

Asking him how he sees your future panning out is not needy in any way. You're not proposing to him there and then on the spot; just asking a question that any normal person who wants to know if there's a future in the relationship long term is perfectly reasonable to ask.

[BurtNo]

I'm a man and i think Jessica makes an excellent point - not all guys who live alone are playahs or anti-social and it sounds like your guy (OP) has demonstrated reliabilty in the context of the taking it slowly

i think the independence is a good thing - certainly relative to certain friends of mine who are incapable of looking after themselves and just dive into LTRs for the home comforts

its for you to decide whether he is taking it slowly or just doesn't like sharing his space but your regular entire weekends together suggest to me that there is good potential for living together - most men like walks on the beach and Xmas and holidays with a romantic partner who they get on well with - and for those that don't, well, you can spot the avoidance tactics or lack of team ethos pretty easily

[Dahlen]

How much of this is you selling yourself short?

I can't see he'd want to give the bachelor thing up and repeat history by living with another woman with two children.

Why are you assuming that life with you and your two DC is something any man would be mad to choose over a life of confirmed bachelorhood?

My DC make me wince when they scream. They come with responsibilities that are sometimes burdensome. I still think that I am worth putting up with that for. I also know I am capable of doing just that if the situation is reversed (I have done) and that it is, therefore, not an unrealistic way of thinking. The family life element is part of the package that is me and often highly enjoyable in its own right. I would consider any man I let into my way of life to be privileged rather than some latter-day saint who deserves a medal for taking on me and my baggage.

Some childless men actually feel the same way about having relationships with women who have children already.

How do you know your man doesn't feel the same? You won't unless you ask him. OTOH if he wants to remain a confirmed bachelor and tells you that, better to know sooner rather than later.

Ask him.

[JaceyBee]

Isn't 'confirmed bachelor' euphemism for gay?

[Dahlen]

Now that really would be a barrier to them having a relationship.

[sharesinNivea]

Thankyou everyone. These views are exactly what I hoped for and have helped make things clearer for me.

I certainly don't feel ready to live with someone again just yet, it probably wouldn't be for at least another year as I don't even have a job at the moment so my financial situation would need to drastically improve in order I could be on an equal footing in that respect. We'd have to all move into a bigger house too and I don't feel ready for the stress of house moving again just yet either.

As I said before, I also like the fact he has opportunity to live on his own as he's never experienced that, moving straight from his Mum's in his early Twenties into a very long term live-in relationship. I remember that lovely feeling pre-kids of having your own pad, so I'm happy for him.

My relationship history has to been to move in with my 3 prior boyfriends after six months and er, the same day we met, so I think I'm still getting used to this idea of 'long term dating'.

I do like the idea of conventional living arrangements with a boyfriend, my children's father is totally absent by choice - totally- from birth with the youngest, so if we did ever live together he would probably take on the stepfather role, which is another huge responsibility for him as well as just moving in with someone, so I could see it would be a massive consideration for him, even if he has been a stepfather before (to young teens as opposed to my two under 6 though).

I'm very much in love with him and I hope one day we might all live together as the appeal of a happy family life with him ever after is massive, but this post has made me see that practically, financially and probably emotionally at this point, it isn't feasible.
Which is probably a good thing, better not to jump into living with someone because of circumstance I suppose, and tread water like that.

He is worth waiting for and it gives me something to look forward in a year or couple of years perhaps.

[sharesinNivea]

JaceyBee ooh no, he's definately not gay!