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False Friends? Or is it me?

(94 Posts)
mummymummymillionmillion Mon 04-Nov-13 19:28:09

When my son was born 3 years ago I made four friends, who I met in different places. We all live in the same area so only a few doors from each other. I got us all together. We all met up at least twice a week until the kids went to pre-school in September. We then tried to meet up once a week. This started to get difficult for me as my son started classes on the day we met up and this was the only day his key worker was working so I could not change it. I suggested other dates and they were not accommodating - so they carried on meeting without me. I still saw them every now and again but they started cancelling on me. A few months ago I fell pregnant I found out my baby had a problem due to my age, and was told it had a 50% chance survival so I had to have an amnio.

I then got a text message outlining a date, place and time for my birthday meal -a month before the actual date of my birthday. I said I could not make my birthday meal because it was a day of the amniocentesis, alas, my birthday meal was not changed and I was told they will carry on without me.

Two days before my amnio I got a message to say it had been moved to another date, I let one of the friends know. This meant I could have made the meal but did not go because I was under so much stress about the baby.

The day before my amnio, I invited them over. When one of them left, I noticed a phone on the table. I pressed the button on the phone to see who’s it was – to be honest I was not really thinking of what I was doing. On the screen was an awful text about me. It said i was lying about the change of date of my amnio, because I did not want to go for the meal with them, that one of the girls would not come to my house because they cannot put up with my stress or lies. I burst into tears.

When the friend turned up to collect her phone I was honest and said what I had seen. I even rang up this friend later that evening to apologise for reading the text – she just said she will not socialise with me anymore.

I then went round to one of the girls houses in tears, she was honest and said that they had all been bitching about me, including her. I have since text her to ask if she wants to meet and have had no response. I have tried to meet up with the other girl (who had nothing to do with any of it) she has ignored me. Not even willing to hear my side of things.

So I have been dumped by them all - after three years of friendship. No-one has contacted me, not even to ask if my baby is ok. When my son says she misses playing with their children it makes me sad.

For the sake of my son, and my mental well-being I tried to make the peace.

I wrote them each a letter. Even though I strongly think that their behaviour has been un-supportive / horrid. I was going to go round each of their houses, they were out so I wrote them each a letter. Basically saying I failed as a friend for reading the text, that it was out of character and I did not know what I was doing as I was under so much stress – I said I could not even remember what the text said. In essence I was begging them for forgiveness. I said that if I could turn back time I would and is there anything I can do for their forgiveness I would. I was sorry for reading the text as I know this was wrong, but don't think it is a crime of the century!

Well today I got a letter back saying that they supported me through the baby problems (like yeah sure! - from the friend that avoided to see me once she knew I had problems with the baby) That she will not tolerate lying (I did not lie!) and that reading someone’s phone is unforgivable. So that is that. They are going to hold this grudge and there is nothing I can do about it!

I feel the best course of action is now to leave them to it, but this situation has kept me up all night with the stress of it.

In addition, one of the friends drove me to farm park, to meet the others last year. My son was very poorly and screaming. He was so poorly I was also crying and ended up sitting in her car. They did not offer to drive me home when I said I wanted to get a taxi. They just sat and had a picnic and we went home after they finished. Later that evening I found out my son had meningitis. This made me think at the time that they were not real friends.

What do you think? Why do I still keep thinking about this? What more can I do? Am I in the wrong that much to not accept my apology?

Love to know your thoughts.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Nov-13 19:35:36

First thing you can do is never read other people's texts. There's a saying that eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves and it's very true. Next, give all these people a wide berth. I don't know what the basis for the friendship was in the first place but they have turned out to be nasty bullies of the playground variety. Not friends at all.

maddy68 Mon 04-Nov-13 19:36:17

I think that initially they thought you were backing off from them. They started to bnd more, then you were the afterthought.

Don't bother with them, get new friends.

RevelsRoulette Mon 04-Nov-13 19:38:30

I think you should stop begging for friendship from people who are not your friends!

Find people who deserve your friendship.

mummymummymillionmillion Mon 04-Nov-13 19:46:14

Thank you. Yes, unlike them who only have each other, I have many many other "mummy" friends who I met before them at various groups / NCT etc, and it has given me a chance to reconnect with some and meet others more now. Every day I meet up with someone different. I am spending more time with others which is turning out a wonderful experience. It just annoys me that people just cannot forgive. I think they are bullies.

Eliza22 Mon 04-Nov-13 19:46:44

What a nasty, childish bunch of women they appear to be. Are they grown-ups? Unless I'm missing something, they don't sound like the sort of people who can offer you friendship.

Let it go. You've enough to deal with and must put yourself first and foremost.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Nov-13 19:49:33

You really don't need the forgiveness of people who admit to bitching about you behind your back.

CaptainSweatPants Mon 04-Nov-13 19:51:01

It sounds like they didn't believe your child had meningitis sad
& they've used that as a foundation to think you're lying about the amnio

How did it go ?

Writing letters, contacting them etc made you look needy & desperate

You don't need these people in your life

nuzzlepad Mon 04-Nov-13 19:52:25

They are horrible people. Cut your loss and make new friends. If they wanted to be your friends they would have made space for you not made you beg for it.

You invested lots of times with them and you thought they were genuine, of course you can't stop thinking about it.

It would have been better if you hadn't mentioned you saw the texts. But I caught a friend who was going through my phone and I wasn't this mad at her. I just told her playfully don't do it again. They are extremely mad because they were doing something wrong.

OTOH I had another friend who had a habit of going through everything I had. Phone, computer files. it only offended me because she was sly and repeated the behavior despite my discomfort.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 04-Nov-13 19:59:24

What a bunch of bitches.

nuzzlepad Mon 04-Nov-13 20:06:29

Just saw your new post OP. Glad you have other friends.

mummymummymillionmillion Mon 04-Nov-13 20:25:11

Thanks everyone for your replies. My new baby is fine, ended up having the harmony test in London, rather than the amnio. I feel like moving house :-(

SoleSorceress Mon 04-Nov-13 22:13:06

You had a lucky escape, very immature bunch of cunts!


Retroformica Tue 05-Nov-13 07:32:51

I think reading the text is bad but its not exactly the unforgivable crime of the century! They sound like a bunch of vile unsupportive bitches. I can't believe they have put your offence of reading a text higher then their offence of intentionally isolating you. Yours was a crime that lasted two seconds, theirs was a crime that involves on going manipulation and bullying.

Really the date for your birthday celebration should have been decided by you or in consultation with you from the start. They should have been supportive in relation to dates/your baby. Their bad behaviour really highlights the type of people they are.

Why on earth do you want these women to be your friends. Move on. Make nice new friends. Make no demands of these gross creatures. Stop begging.

lisad123everybodydancenow Tue 05-Nov-13 08:02:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper Tue 05-Nov-13 08:09:28

I am not sure why you kept writing letters etc, they have made it plain for whatever reason(s) that they don't want to be friends with you and are now using this text/phone thingy as an excuse to say you are a lying bitch type person. Which you are not - you sound understandably stressed.

Draw a big thick line on this now. You cannot alter their minds and its a waste of energy trying to.

You have nice other friends, concentrate on them.

catsmother Tue 05-Nov-13 08:33:16

I don't get why reading that particular text is such a crime ? It wasn't as if you snuck off with a phone and went through all the texts - it's entirely understandable to switch a phone on to see who it belonged to, and you say this text came up on the screen.

I agree they're lashing out because you've basically caught them in the act of being bitches. Sounds like, that for whatever reason, they all decided long ago they didn't like you, didn't want to see you - and have latched on to stuff which can be conveniently twisted in order to justify their nastiness. Also seems the girl who didn't have anything to do with it but who's also now refusing to speak to you is probably scared of being "dumped" herself and isn't mature enough to speak to you before deciding you're "guilty". I wonder if there's a "Queen Bee" type amongst these so called friends whose word everyone else hangs on, and that's why all this has happened - i.e. on her say so.

Anyway - it's their loss. You know that genuine friends would have been properly supporting you through your pregnancy worries, and you also know that if they'd really wanted to see you they'd have found a compromise rather than rigidly sticking to a day they knew you couldn't make. I know this must all feel very shocking - probably because if you're a nice decent person yourself it's beyond your comprehension how "friends" could behave the way they have - but it's good that you have lots of other friends. Whilst we can't all get on with everyone, that does rather indicate that you're a perfectly nice, likeable person, and that you've been treated unfairly.

Agree that you shouldn't write to them anymore unless it's to tell them how utterly selfish and pathetic they are. Wouldn't surprise me if you hear some time down the line that another in the group has been ostracised - they all sound like nasty bullies, and I think perhaps you were seen as a soft touch they could exercise their bullying and bitching tendencies on.

Eliza22 Tue 05-Nov-13 15:42:56

Catsmother, I agree. This nasty bunch have been caught in the act, tittle-tattling like school girls in the yard at break time ! They have, in short, shown themselves up. OP, do nothing more. Walk away, head high!

mummymummymillionmillion Tue 05-Nov-13 18:32:13

Yes Catsmother, that all makes sense now. There is a queen bee is the friend I was pregnant with, she has unfortunately not been able to have another baby and I think even though I totally sympathize with her situation she may be rather sad about that, additionally she miscarried at 5 weeks. I do still feel for her as it must have been so tough, but I don't know why she has gone out of her way to ensure i am isolated when she has been through similar times. The sad thing is that I have known her for 10 years. In the letter I wrote her, I apologised if I came across insensitive and that I wished I had kept my baby news / problems to myself. But my other friend said that if she was a true friend I would not need to apologise, and that true friends are there for each other. This "queen bee" was the one who wrote me the letter, which I just fealt was her "having a go" at me". Ironically, she has bitched about all the other girls to me, in which I never replied as I am not that kind of person. She said some of their houses were dirty, blond bimbo because she is a nurse, , one gets in hired help and said she is fat and lazy, one is a cleaner and she belittled that saying she is thick---- oh the list goes on. What annoys me. I know she is to blame for most of my treatment. It took me 10 years to see her true colours. I hope they see them much sooner. How I would love to write a letter but I think I will take everyone's advice and just walk away. I was never bullied at school so all this is a bit of a shock to me, especially as a 35 year old women! Oh well. thanks for your replies they have helped me so much already x

mummymummymillionmillion Sat 09-Nov-13 15:13:49

I need advice please. I just got a text inviting me to one of there kids birthday parties i think that this is a mistake I am going to send this back, is this ok:

" As I have been ignored, bitched about and socially excluded for looking at a phone to see who's it was for two seconds I think this text is in error. Ive apologised to no avail and my friends think my treatment by you all is far worse than reading a text. I caught X bitching about me! It's apparent that it was decided long ago that you all did not like me due to the inflexibility of meeting up with me and non consultation of my birthday meal and the bitching about me. I feel sorry for Y who misses his friends. He was the reason I apologised. For the child's sake. Delete me from your contacts."

PlatinumStart Sat 09-Nov-13 15:32:25

Oh for goodness sake don't respond - just draw a line under this and move on

comedycentral Sat 09-Nov-13 15:36:08

Don't respond at all

blue2 Sat 09-Nov-13 15:36:59

I'm with Platinum - just don't reply. Don't go down to their level.

Move on.

mummymummymillionmillion Sat 09-Nov-13 15:50:27

Thanks, I will not respond. :-)

mummymummymillionmillion Sat 09-Nov-13 15:53:24

Just one last piece of advice. If I see one of them what do I do? Ignore or say hello? Never been in this situation before :-) thanks for your advice.

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